Literary Representatives
LOS ANGELES
NEW YORK
TORONTO
LONDON
He likes him?
Gordon, either get yourself some new friends or talk some sense into this one. Just remember—you’ve got thirty million people rooting for Travis. Don’t fuck it up.
If you’re not doing anything for dinner, I’m eating out tonight. Your stepmother’s in another one of her moods. She called here twenty minutes ago to issue the following bulletin: “If I’d had good feet, I could have ruled the world.” God only knows what that meant.
Canter’s Deli, 7:30. Maybe you can explain women to me.
Pop
11
Craig
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Kevin
FROM: Craig
DATE: June 8, 1998
SUBJECT: Couple of Things
* * *
I just got a message from Costanzo’s clerk. They’re going to be in trial next week for at least a month, so they’ve asked if we could move up the Kessler petition to this Friday. That’s only four days from now. If we say yes, it might mean a couple of late nights. Can you swing it? Don’t feel obligated. Just because you’d be leaving us adrift without an anchor while a small child’s welfare hangs in the balance doesn’t mean you’d be missed. Much.
I may be getting a call from somebody named Travis Puckett. It’s a personal matter. If I’m not here, page me. I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. This is a Code 3: highest priority.
I’m sneaking away early tonight because Clayton and I are camping out at Saratoga Lake. (Don’t ask.)
Where the hell is Charleen?
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Craig
FROM: Kevin
DATE: June 8, 1998
SUBJECT: Your Couple of Things
* * *
Actually, I’ve already put the next three nights on hold in case I meet a dazzling Frenchman who (a) looks exactly like Alain Delon, (b) whisks me off to Paris for dinner, (c) feeds me wine and cheese in a barge chugging up the Seine, and (d) rapes me senseless. But if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be here. When have I ever left you in the lurch, you schmuck?
Charleen is getting her hair done again. It seems that Jody’s calling her tonight and she doesn’t want him to see what color her roots are over the phone. You guys must have had one hell of a weekend. At breakfast this morning, she poured coffee on her scrambled eggs. (I promised I wouldn’t reveal what she did with the Lea & Perrin’s. Especially to you.)
I assume I’m not supposed to know that the Democrats want you to run for office. Tough. What do you expect me to do—not read your faxes?
Who’s Travis Puckett? And how personal is “personal”? I need to know immediately. You can’t just give me an instruction like that and keep the details to yourself, especially when it sounds like the page-one lead in a trashy tabloid. Don’t forget that we’re protected by the employer-employee confidentiality statute, so whatever you tell me stays sealed (unless Oprah offers cash).
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Kevin
FROM: Craig
DATE: June 8, 1998
SUBJECT: Omerta: Code of Silence
* * *
Travis was the love of my life. It happened when we were in high school, it ended when college separated us, and I can still taste our first kiss in the rain (Saturday, May 27, 1978, 3:21 P.M. EDT).
We haven’t spoken to each other in twenty years, but certain recent discovery responses indicate that he’s trying to find me.
I know I probably shouldn’t, but nobody ever fit into my arms the way he did. The least I can do is have lunch with him.
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Craig
FROM: Kevin
DATE: June 8, 1998
SUBJECT: Dish
* * *
This is way too good for Oprah. It belongs on Frontline. Hey, if Clayton and Travis get into a Bette Davis–Joan Crawford catfight over you, can I watch?
Just a reminder: You already share the deepest part of your soul with a man who, among other things, might have been the by-product of a clandestine midnight union between Adonis and Dionysus. On top of that, he’s sensitive, he’s real, and he loves you. Haven’t you learned what “rock the boat” means yet?
Actually, something just occurred to me. If Travis succeeds in turning your head, Clayton’s going to need somebody to pick up his shattered little pieces and put them back together again. Does hitting on the boss’s boyfriend constitute a dischargeable offense?
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Kevin
FROM: Craig
DATE: June 8, 1998
SUBJECT: Your Interrogatories
* * *
No.
No.
Yes.
Craig McKenna
Attorney Notes
Clay, wouldn’t it be funny if the Democrats asked me to run for office? No.
Clay, here’s a thought. How about if I run for office? How about if you don’t?
Clay, remember when Lucy tried to tell Ricky she was pregnant and couldn’t figure out how? Yeah. You’re not running for office.
Clay, wouldn’t it be great if we had somebody in Albany who could push through a Freedom to Marry bill? Yep. As long as it isn’t you.
Clay, I’m running for office. Wanna bet?
Whenever my sig oth buys a new chunk of land, we always pitch a tent and spend the first night there ourselves. Kind of like cocker spaniels leaving a scent. The routine is generally the same: we build a campfire, grill a couple of hot dogs, and tackle the thorny questions head-on.
“Honey, who was the one with the cute ass—Snap, Crackle, or Pop?”
“Crackle.”
“That’s what I thought.” Afterward, we unroll our sleeping bags, fight about The Issue of the Day, lock eyes, forget about The Issue of the Day, and make love under the eighteen million stars that jointly decided to call Saratoga Springs home. And when we’re finished, I can usually get him to say yes to anything, provided I remember that I only have a four-and-a-half-minute window of opportunity before the glow wears off.
“Clay?” I began nervously, with my arms wrapped around his perpetually astonishing chest. “There’s something we need to talk about.” Except for the crickets chirping, I heard only silence in return. “Clay?” Unexpectedly, he lowered his mouth gently to mine and kissed me for a good minute and a half before he finally pulled away.
“I was just thinking,” he sighed finally, staring up at the Big Dipper with a dopey smile on his face. “The only two things I could never handle are the Jets winning the Super Bowl and losing you.” Then he nuzzled my neck and kissed me again. “Now what’s on your mind?” he murmured, running a sexy finger up and down my back. His whisper was so amorous, and the caresses so genuine, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Mayday! Mayday! Abort the program! He’s just crashed my hard drive! Which left me with one remaining problem: he was still waiting for me to say something.
“Why—why don’t we go skinny-dipping?” I asked weakly, improvising on the spot. Before I’d even finished the question, Clayton was already reaching for our towels.
“You bet,” he grinned wickedly. “But you go in fi
rst. I want to watch.”
I’m in really deep shit.
NEW YORK STATE DEMOCRATIC COMMITTEE
ALBANY HEADQUARTERS
151 STATE STREET
ALBANY, NEW YORK 12207
June 9, 1998
VIA FACSIMILE
Craig S. McKenna, Esq.
McKenna & Webb
118 Congress Park, Suite 407
Saratoga Springs, New York 12866
Dear Craig:
Per our telephone conference, I’m enclosing a generic campaign schedule for your review. Regarding your responsibilities as state assemblyman, they essentially break down as follows: Drive to Albany, write a bill, kill a bill, go home. If I were you, I wouldn’t quit my day job.
Please don’t feel pressured to make a quick decision. As I said, we don’t need your answer until Monday, so take your time. As long as you say yes.
Best,
Wayne Duvall
* * *
PARTIAL CAMPAIGN SCHEDULE—CRAIG McKENNA
Summer/Fall 1998
July 19. Junior League All-Star game at Ballston Spa—Craig McKenna, plate umpire. (Wear a cup.)
July 28. Hadassah Luncheon, Glens Falls. (Don’t eat for two days prior. When these women feed you, they don’t fuck around.) Speech should stress health care reform for seniors, with emphasis on your victory in Brunswick vs. County.
August 5. Lambda Legal Defense Dinner, Waterford. This’ll be a Q and A about the rocky road leading to a marriage bill. Show them it can happen: bring Clayton.
August 19. Black Tie Ball for PFLAG, Albany. They’ve asked you to be the keynote speaker, so you’ll hit them with your verdict in LaFontaine vs. Clifton Park Unified School District and outline a five-point program to keep the classroom safe for kids. (Note: You’re expected to lead the first dance with one of the mothers, so if you don’t know how to waltz, learn.)
August 30. AIDS Telethon, Saratoga Springs. You’ll staff the phones and look cute.
September 11–13. Rainbow Coalition Liberty Weekend, Round Lake. You have an arsenal here, and they’re all in your corner. (Why not? At one time or another, you’ve represented at least half of them.) You’re chairing three civil rights seminars based on your verdicts in Eller vs. State of New York, Hack vs. Richmond, and Senet vs. Nixon, so pace yourself. Popularity’s a bitch.
September 26. Autumn Carnival, Mechanicsville. This one’s a two-parter. During the day you’ll hand out goodie bags to the kids and read Winnie the Pooh stories dressed as Eeyore. In the evening, you’ll meet with the Saratoga County Children’s Rights Commission and use your victory in Wilcox vs. Roe as a foundation for another of your well-known five-point programs.
October 9. Sixth-Grade Debate, Galway Middle School. You’ll be pitted against their most ferocious 11-year-olds, so watch your ass. If you can hold your own with these brats, Trent Lott should be a cakewalk.
October 31. Halloween Fright Night, Corinth Junior High. (Before I tell you about your costume, I’ll need to prep you first.)
* * *
Noah Kessler
6026 Foxhound Run
Saratoga Springs, New York 12866
June 9, 1998
ATTORNEY-CLIENT COMMUNICATION
Craig McKenna
McKenna & Webb
118 Congress Park, Suite 407
Saratoga Springs, New York 12866
Dear Craig,
Eeyore? They want you to dress up like Eeyore? You better say no. Because if you don’t, I’ll go there myself with a camera and take pictures and then you’ll have to give me money for the rest of my life so I won’t show them to anybody. I mean it.
Craig this is bullshit. The AIDS part works and the Rainbow part and the marrying Clayton part and the old lady part, but what about kids? Just because you get to debate a couple of sixth graders with dorky hair? Big deal. You need to get in classrooms and talk to us so you can find out the important things for real. How come they won’t let you? Just because we can’t vote yet? How skanky is that?
I’m not happy about this. Tell Wayne Duvall to have better ideas and then get back to me.
Noah
P.S. Dad says the hearing is this Friday but I can’t come. But I know where the court is and I have a bike. So watch out. Did anybody think about just yelling at the judge? Because if you’re afraid to, I can do it. Even if it means the biggest time-out in my life.
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Craig
FROM: Charleen
DATE: June 9, 1998
SUBJECT: Camelot—the Sequel
* * *
Just read through Wayne’s campaign schedule. Nice “generic” plan. What happens when they get specific?
We’ll need to take on another partner to cover your caseload. Kevin recommended the alliterative David DeDios, an up-and-coming civil liberties advocate at Matz & Phillips, whose qualifications include “dreamy Filipino eyes, iron quads, and glutes for days.” They met at the gym. In the steamroom. Already this is way too much information.
We might as well give Costanzo what he wants and calendar the Kessler hearing for Friday. (It’s not like we have a prayer anyway.) I finished my half of the petition while I was under the hair dryer, so stop playing Joan of Arc left to burn alone on the pyre. I can’t help it if I’m old-fashioned. Jody doesn’t get to second base until I’ve been tinted. I’m not taking any chances.
Incidentally, this isn’t for general release yet, but he’s quitting the Blue Sox in September and moving back to the Springs. That way he gets to see Noah every day, whether he has custody or not. So there’s half of Costanzo’s argument shot to shit. As to the other portion, it’s not exactly as if Jody’s a pauper. He may only net $32,000 this year, but he still wants to take me to Bermuda. Sigh.
Guenevere
P.S. Not to put too fine a point on it, but when exactly were you planning to share the news of your candidacy with that naked man who lives with you? Any time soon? Or do you intend that he find out about it in the voting booth?
P.S. 2. While I was retrieving the Kessler pleading clip from your office, I couldn’t help noticing the large orange Post-it on your desk—the one that had “TravisTravisTravisTravisTravis TravisTravisTravisTravisTravisTravis” scribbled all over it. It reminded me of your freshman notebook at Harvard. But you’ll notice I’m not asking any questions.
MCKENNA & WEBB
A LAW PARTNERSHIP
118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866
MEMORANDUM
TO: Guenevere
FROM: Craig
DATE: June 9, 1998
SUBJECT: Trying to Keep a Secret Around This Place
* * *
You and our boy toy really need to order up a couple of 1912 hen hats so you can cluck to your hearts’ content. Pickalittle, talkalittle, cheep, cheep, cheep.
Yes, Virginia. In an effort to twist-tie my life even more convincingly, I may find myself with a mild Travis crisis on my hands. Aunt Sheba at the front desk has all the dirt. I was afraid to tell you because I knew you’d kill me.
I’m attaching a letter from Noah, which I just faxed to the Democrats. They’d better do as he says—I’ve just made him my campaign advisor. Go ahead and double-dare me. Does it sound like I’m kidding? By the way, you’ll note that he intends to crash the courtroom on a six-speed Schwinn. One of us needs to remind him that he’s not too old to spank. (Come to think of it, neither am I. But that’s a whole other arena that involves Clayton and a leather jockstrap, and we don’t need to go there.)
I finished my half of the petition before you did (smirk smirk), and K’s cite-checking it as we speak—unless, of course, he’s on the phone with “hunky Tim” at the travel agency, in which case we may end up with plane tickets to Brazil again. Therefore, if the East 68th Street Busybodies can spare
me for a couple of hours, I have an errand I need to run.
Love,
Carolyn Appleby
P.S. I tried to tell Clayton last night. We were lying in a sleeping bag stripped to our butts, and he was licking my entire pectoral group. Somehow the opportunity never presented itself. This isn’t something you discuss with a woody.
P.S. 2. Dave DeDios is one of the most honorable and hardworking civil rights attorneys in the state. He’s also a lot cuter than I am. Thanks for the memory. I’m not even cold yet.
P.S.3. By the way, don’t even think about playing Dainty June with me. Jody only has two guest bedrooms and yours was empty all Saturday night. I know. I peeked. Where did you sleep? On the porch? In the hammock? Sorry, panel. Time’s up.
Craig McKenna
Attorney Notes
Attorney recognized that he had less than forty-eight hours to devise a fail-safe plan for convincing an obstinate judge to let a little boy live with the father he idolizes, when in fact the obstinate judge in question is far more likely to appear at bench in a lavender tutu and perform a medley of pirouettes from West Side Story than grant attorney’s petition.
Attorney recognized that he had less than six days to decide whether or not to run for public office, which would entail—among other things—getting a haircut, ordering new stationery, and reinventing his entire life.