“Well, no. It’s more and more like he shuts himself up inside himself and I can’t get through. Besides, when we do talk, I always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, in the wrong way.”
“Can you talk with your daughters agreeably, at least most of the time?”
“Yes, most of the time we pretty much understand each other.”
“Are you a good nurse?”
“Of course I am. Why do you ask?”
“Because you said you were a bad mother. Are you really a bad mother?”
“I honestly don’t know. Dana and Dorie say I’m not, but sometimes I get mad and let it show…or close up to keep from cracking up…or go in the bathroom, turn the water on and cry my heart out. Most of the time now I feel so frustrated…and helpless and hopeless and ineffective and unnurturing. I can’t seem to get through to Sammy and…sadly I’ve found that even love is not enough…and money is not enough. I went through a stage where I tried to buy him everything and it didn’t work. And I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed…and I’ve failed and I’ve failed and I’ve failed. I want so much for him to be happy and fulfilled and outgoing and all the wonderful things he used to be but…I can’t seem to make him do any of the things that would bring him joy.”
“That is a sad truism.”
“What?”
“That you can’t make him do anything. All human beings are born with free agency, and it seems very easy for some to choose negative paths which can only lead to negative destinations!”
“But I can’t just give up on him. I won’t!”
“You’re right! You must never give up on him, but you can stop beating up on yourself for not being perfect. No one is perfect. Try loving yourself as much as you love him.”
“But I want, I need, him to love me! He doesn’t think I love him or that I care, or understand, or empathize, or want him to be him. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, he doesn’t…well…like me. Often I think he can’t stand me! He has no respect for me.” (Her anguish was almost physical.)
“Shhh. Relax and think about what I’m going to say seriously and calmly for a moment. How do you think Sammy can possibly like or respect you, when at this point he doesn’t like or respect himself? People who are going through a depressed or angry time in their lives see everything and everyone in direct ratio to how they see themselves. Does that make sense to you?”
“A little. I know he’s suffering deeply, and I know it doesn’t help him or me, but I’m suffering along with him.”
“You’re a good woman! And a great mom!”
“No, no, no.”
“Yes, yes, yes. And Sammy does love you. You are his anchor, his foundation.”
“I know your sessions with people are confidential, but did he say that? Did he actually say that?”
“Yes, he said it. Not verbally but nonverbally in many, many ways.”
“That makes me feel a little better. I guess as long as he knows I love him, and I know he loves me, maybe we will survive through this stage of his growth process. It is just a stage isn’t it?”
“In most cases, lost kids do find themselves.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me that! I’ve been so scared, and I’ve tried so hard to be a good mother, but obviously I haven’t made it.” She hunched in her chair. “I did try though, to do my best.”
“I believe you, and if you’ve done the best you know how, be comforted. Let peace rest in your heart and mind. YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH.”
“Actually, I’m not honestly sure I’ve ever really, truly done my…very best.”
“Don’t waste energy on that. In all my years as a therapist I’ve never met one single woman who felt she had done an adequate job as a mother—had felt totally satisfied with her every attitude and action—and that certainly includes me. We’ve all read about Abraham Lincoln and others who talked about their ‘angel mothers’ who never raised their voices, or got short-tempered, or felt ‘put upon,’ etc. I suspect most of those memories were much more nostalgic than accurate. So don’t worry about getting impatient or frustrated, or even raising your voice and ragging once in a while. Those things often show how much you care.”
“I do care.”
“Then raise your mind-set to a level where it’s positive and optimistic, for pessimism and negativism are both literally powerful toxins. They can poison your mind and body as surely as any lethal chemical. Pessimism and negativism are both forms of self-abuse!”
“I’d never thought about that before, but it makes sense. I’m going to start working on putting more positive, optimistic concepts into my life.”
“When?”
“Right away.”
“What about right now?”
“Okay, right now!”
“If you’d like, I’ll give you a positive relaxation exercise. It’s an autogenic type of training that can help you lessen your anxiety, stress, and tension—a form of self-hypnosis which can help you to help yourself both physically and mentally.”
“I can use that.”
My voice slowed down and became softer: (The following is a condensed version of a twenty-minute introduction to hypnotherapy.)
“See that tiny little dark spot on the ceiling. You might want to stare at it. Relax…stare at it…concentrate only on that one small spot. Your eyes may be getting heavy and hard to hold open. If you wish, close them and nestle down snugly into your chair, your head resting comfortably on the back. Invite your unconscious mind to pass soothing messages to your relaxing body.”
My voice slowed even more until each word seemed fluidly elongated. I repeated each phrase three times.
“I feel quite quiet…quite quiet…quite quiet…
“I am relaxing easily…relaxing easily…relaxing easily…
“Breathing slowly and deeply…slowly and deeply…slowly and deeply…
“My right arm feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…
“My left arm feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…
“My neck and shoulder muscles feel unstrained and relaxed…unstrained and relaxed…unstrained and relaxed…
“My right leg feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…
“My left leg feels heavy…feels heavy…feels heavy…
“I am feeling quietly relaxed…quietly relaxed…all over…
“I feel my self-control levels slowly, warmly, and comfortingly, increasing in every molecule of my body and mind…I feel my self-control levels slowly, warmly, and comfortingly, increasing in every molecule of my body and mind.
“You may want to take a few seconds to move the muscles in your shoulders and neck and hands and feet slowly before you open your eyes.”
“Ohhhh, that was soooo nice. I wish you could relax me like that many times a day.”
“I can’t, but you can! I am going to give you, as you leave, a complete copy of the SET NUMBER 1 concept that you’ve just experienced. You’ll probably want to silently in your subconscious repeat and comply with each phrase at least twice a day, in a quiet, thoughtful way. You’ll find that the more often you return your body to a state of restful quiet, the higher your energy and self-control will be when you start working again.
“Oops! I almost forgot to ask you to tell me something about Sammy’s father.”
“There’s not much to tell. I helped Lance through school till he became a computer programmer in Silicon Valley, then he decided we were not ‘with it’ enough and unceremoniously dumped us. It’s okay though. He regularly sends money for the kids, and I bought our nice home with the divorce settlement money. I don’t really think there’s much stress in our lives connected with him anymore.”
“What about his relationship with Sammy?”
“Since the divorce he hasn’t been a great part of the girls’ lives, but Sammy has visited him on Christmas holidays and school breaks.”
“You didn’t sense anything different in Sammy’s behavior after
his last visit?”
“I don’t think so, but while Sammy was gone, Lance’s aunt, who was visiting us, fell and fractured her femur. I guess I was pretty busy with her. Should I have noticed something?”
“Not necessarily. For now just quit worrying so much about your kids and start taking a little more interest in the hurting little child within yourself. She needs love and attention, too, you know.”
“It seems like there’s not much energy left for me these days. I’m so concerned about Sammy. He’s on my mind day and night, morning and afternoon.”
“Does that interfere with your work or your relationship with your daughters, do you think?”
“Possibly…probably! But I don’t seem able to control the sometimes stabbing, almost-suffocating fears I have regarding my boy, who has become almost a stranger to me. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I feel constantly guilty because…” She shrugged.
“Are you saying that you’re allowing your fears and negative positionings to take over and control your life in a sense?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Are there physical ways in which your stressors are manifesting themselves?”
“Oh, yes. I, who seldom had headaches, now not only have them in my head but also in my neck. If one can have headaches in her neck. Anyway, it’s the same indescribable black-iron pulsing pressure. I’m ashamed to admit that one day I hurt so much I actually found myself crouched in a fetal position in a corner of my closet, rocking back and forth. It was frightening. In fact, I think that was the incident that convinced me to come see you.”
“You truly need relief from your troubling emotions and pain, don’t you?”
“Yes, but I’m desperately afraid of becoming dependent on meds. You wouldn’t believe the number of women I see and know who are hooked on prescription stuff.”
“Yes I would but let’s not worry about that. For the moment we’re only interested in you. Would you like to try a simple but effective mind-over-matter exercise? I think you will respond very well to the procedure.”
“At this point I’m ready to do anything to alleviate the stress and the pain.”
“At this moment, what rating would you give your discomforting feelings?”
“Rating, like in numbers?”
“Yes.”
“You mean 1 to 10?”
“I mean 1 to whatever number you feel good with.”
“Well, I guess all together today, it’s about a thirty.”
“Close your eyes, loosen your tight, tense muscles. Let peace flow over you in a soft white film. See your number thirty in big red neon figures.”
“I can see it.”
“Can you see it clearly?”
“Yes.”
“Then slowly and carefully will it away from you. Watch it drift farther and farther away for about ten seconds to a minute. I’ll talk you through the exercise this time and when you get home you can allow your unconscious to repeat the process if, or as, needed.”
My voice slowed down and became softer.
“First relax. Quietly, soothingly, peacefully relax. Start with the hair follicles on the top of your head…slowly…slowly…relax them. Relax down the sides of your face, which is becoming smoother and smoother…past your ears…your eyes…your nose.”
As I talked I occasionally reached out and softly touched a part of her body as I referred to it.
“Your face is now totally unlined and relaxed. Your head and neck pains are noticeably lessening. They are fading…bleaching…softening from metal-hard black, tight and taut, to a soft, more pliable, light grey color. You have rated your discomfort at 30—the number is drifting away from you…from a squeezing, metallic tense 30 to a softer, less imprisoning 29…28…27. Watch the discomfort ball being pulled farther and farther away by some unseen force. Relax your hands…relax your arms…relax your shoulders. Your tension is drifting out…26…25…24. As your upper and lower torso relax, your breathing slows down, your head and neck feelings become, not painful but interesting…23…22…21…19. Negative feelings are detaching from your body as you relax your lower back and hips…18…17…16. As you relax your thighs and legs the numbers drift still farther away…15…14…13. When you completely relax your ankles and feet, your whole body detaches from discomfort and negativeness…12…11…10…9…all badness is floating far away from your body. Your toes and the soles of your feet feel warm and comfortable…8…7…6…5. All the muscles, nerves, fibers in your body are relaxed, soft, white, pliable…4…3…2…1.
“You feel good, secure, comfortable, relaxed, and confident. Thank yourself gently for allowing these sacred, warm, belonging feelings to exist within you. Imprint upon your mind the fact that good feelings are like music: the more you practice, the more skilled you become at doing what you want to do, becoming what you want to become, feeling what you want to feel, and thinking what you want to think. Remind yourself to notice those positive feelings and welcome them.
“As you slowly approach a perfect body-relaxed state you see your complete package of discomforts disappearing over the horizon. Take three big, big, big breaths. Yawn and jiggle all the parts of your body like your kids used to do when they were little and played ‘rubber man’ or ‘Jell-O person.’ Remind yourself that life is wonderful, intriguing, exciting, and that you are willing on occasion, to struggle through a cold, hard, dark, painful, sometimes frightening, valley to get to the sunny, protective, love-filled hill that lies on the other side. Stretch and flex your muscles. Smile. Open your eyes. How do you feel?”
“Great.”
“What is your discomfort ratio?”
“Wow! I forgot about it.”
“Want it back?”
“No, thank you.”
“If it does creep up on you again, do you think you can handle the procedure we’ve just practiced?”
“By myself?”
“No. With your subconscious mind helping your conscious. That is what hypnotherapy is all about when it’s used properly, which means positively!”
“I think…”
“You think?”
“No. I know I can do it! I must! For my girls and my job and my sanity as well as for Sammy. Now, how can I handle the fearful overwhelming thoughts that clutch and claw at me during a lot of torturous, endless black nights?”
“You can practice the two soothing, relaxing, control exercises I’ve given you. Sometimes we think of control as being an imprisoning, inflexible, concrete thing when actually it’s a part of love’s lifting, releasing-from-bondage process. The kind of control we want is the kind that puts you in charge, makes you the master instead of the slave.”
“That is interesting. I’d never thought of control as being a friendly kind of word before.”
“Sometimes you may have to get up out of your warm, soft bed and exercise vigorously to prove to yourself that you control your body as well as your mind! Tell yourself, ‘MOVE OUT LEGS, MOVE OUT ARMS, MOVE UP LEGS, MOVE UP ARMS, ETC.,’ and whatever you do, don’t let the unseen, unreal NIGHT BOGIES get to you till they control you. I suspect most people on earth have, at one time or another, had the tormenting NIGHT BOGIES creep around in their heads, trying to nibble away their brains. Have you ever heard the old spiritual ‘Lord, You Made the Nights Too Long’? Most of us have been visited by the bogies during a death, an illness, a divorce, or one of the thousands of other debilitating traumas, like the one you are now suffering through with Sammy. You are not alone.”
“It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. In some selfish, strange way I haven’t been thinking about anybody else’s problems at all. The starving children in Africa, the people existing in war-torn Bosnia, the Haitians in their leaky boats, the differing kinds of horrendous abuses in our own country—all seemed unimportant, as well as the problems of other moms with wayward, somewhat rebellious sons and daughters. They barely existed until now—only me…selfish, wanting everything my way, self-centered me.”
&
nbsp; I laughed. “I hate to break up your ‘pretty, potent, petty, pity party’ as one kid called hers after she got her life back on track, but remember that negative thinking or talking or doing to or about yourself or anyone else is a form of permanently maiming abuse.”
“Oops, I forgot.”
“That’s okay. We all get a little maudlin once in a while, so forget it. Just think about the assignment you’re going to give yourself to get your life in order so that you can more effectively help Sammy do the same for his, when he gets to the place where he wants and will accept your help.”
“Well, first I’ve got to keep reminding myself that I am not alone! I am not the only one in the world trying to solve major as well as minor problems.”
“And…”
“I’ve got to rely more on my control of myself.”
“How?”
“Through relaxation and positive thinking and not spending so much time dwelling on the worst possible outcome for every occasion, particularly as it applies to Sammy.”
“Another thing you might want to consider adding to your new pile of tricks, Paula, is the concept of learning to be as nice to YOURSELF as you would like to have others be to you. Have you heard the saying from the Bible, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t you think that also means, ‘DO UNTO YOURSELF AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU’?”
Paula thought for a while. “It probably does, but I…”
“You what?”
“I don’t know…”
“You mean you don’t know where to start?”
“I guess.”
“Want me to help you?”
“It sounds really simple, and I sense it would work but I…yes, please, please help me. I’m trying hard not to, but I feel sooooo inadequate.”
“Have you ever put yourself first?”
“Put myself first? I hope not! Not since I had kids, anyway. They are my life, my main reason for living. I’m certainly not going to allow them to go through what I went through all my growing-up years.”
“Have you ever considered what might happen to them if you allow yourself, through neglect of your mental and physical health, to become impaired or incapacitated? You’ve mentioned that your concentration and interest in things have diminished, and that each day you are feeling more tired and unenthusiastic.”