Honolulu Police Department hires own psychic! City shocked.
by Jasmenni Kolopowawski
Professional psychic Grandira Iilodray, age 13, was hired on Monday by HPD to aid in future crimes. To determine who Grandira would partner up with, HPD officers played a friendly game of karate. Lt. Krill Bardow successfully punched and kicked and threw his fellow officers to become the victor.
Lt. Hatter Quiokert, a police officer with a bloody bandage over his face, argued that Lt. Bardow was a cheater.
“He bit me!” Lt. Quiokert said. “This isn’t the first time. Sheesh! He thinks he’s Conan! It’s no way for a cop to act. Where are we? Is this the Dark Ages? Seriously though, where are we? He gave me a roundhouse to the head pretty good. Dirty scallywag.”
Lt. Bardow paraded Grandira around town on a long leash. They signed autographs at Jungle Fun and attended the reopening of the Honolulu Zoo, closed down two months ago for renovation. A zoo spectator, Hansoned Jakoby, was ecstatic.
“What better way to reopen a zoo than with the arrival of a psychic? I honestly can’t think of anything.”
Lilla V. Vavoop, a janitor at the zoo, was not so ecstatic.
“She is the devil’s spawn,” she said, gripping her mop. “What an embracing day for Hawaii when we embarrass a witch. Wait. I mean…what an embarrassing day for Hawaii when we embrace a witch. And this Grandira is a witch, believe you me. I mean, look at her. Look at those fat, blue eyes. Those are witch eyes. Am I wrong? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to mop myself to death. I regret nothing.”
Lt. Bardow had hope for the future of not only the police department, but the state of Hawaii.
“Soon, the islands will come to understand all of this,” he said. “It is about time we come to terms—not just with my partner’s amazing ability—but with the extrasensory ability within us all. Mahalo.”
Grandira was gracious enough to give this reporter a psychic reading. She took my hand, looked at my palm, and told me that I was going to have an infant boy. I told her that I didn’t want a boy, that I wished to have a girl, and if Grandira could do something about it. Lt. Bardow proceeded to push me out of the zoo. No amount of weeping or screaming for mercy stopped him.
Lt. Xanadu, Bardow’s unpsychic partner, could not be found for questioning. Sources claim he had been sacked days ago by Lt. Bardow in favor of Grandira.