that," said Lincoln. "I can make a dozen generals in aday, but mules cost $300 apiece."
* * * * *
Two men were riding together one day through Paris. One wasexceedingly bright and clever, while the other was correspondinglydull. As is usually the case, the latter monopolized the conversation.The talk of the dullard had become almost unendurable, when hiscompanion saw a man on the street far ahead yawning.
"Look," he exclaimed, "we are overheard!"
* * * * *
One afternoon Mrs. Murphy appeared at the settlement house, alldressed up in her best bonnet and shawl. A huge black and blue spotdisfigured one side of her face, however, and one eye was nearlyclosed. "Why, Mrs. Murphy, what is the matter?" cried one of theteachers; and then, realizing that she might have asked a tactlessquestion, she hastily turned it off, by saying, "Well, cheer up, youmight be worse off." "Sure an' I might," responded the indignant Mrs.Murphy. "I might not be married at all!"
* * * * *
A young woman in Central Park overheard an old negress call to apiccaninny: "Come heah, Exy, Exy!"
"Excuse me, but that's a queer name for a baby, aunty?"
"Dat ain't her full name," explained the old woman with pride; "dat'sjes' de pet name I calls for short. Dat chile got a mighty grand name.Her ma picked it out in a medicine book--yessum, de child's full nameis Eczema."
* * * * *
Sir Richard Bethell, afterward Lord Westbury, with a suave voice and astately manner, nevertheless had a way of bearing down the foe withalmost savage wit. Once, in court, he had to follow a barrister whohad delivered his remarks in very loud tones. "Now that the noise incourt has subsided," murmured Bethell, "I will tell your Honor in twosentences the gist of the case."
* * * * *
The resemblance of the Rev. Robert Collyer to Henry Ward Beecher wasoften remarked. One day, when walking through Central Park, hat inhand, as the day was hot, at a sharp turn in the path he came upon anold lady seated on one of the park benches. At sight of him she jumpedto her feet, exclaiming:
"Goodness me! This is not Mr. Beecher?"
"No, madam," Dr. Collyer answered, "it is not. I hope Mr. Beecher isin a cooler place."
* * * * *
It is not necessary that a lawyer should be eloquent to win verdicts,but he must have the tact which turns an apparent defeat to his ownadvantage. One of the most successful of verdict winners was Sir JamesScarlett. His skill in turning a failure into a success was wonderful.In a breach-of-promise case the defendant, Scarlett's client, wasalleged to have been cajoled into an engagement by the plaintiff'smother. She was a witness in behalf of her daughter, and completelybaffled Scarlett, who cross-examined her. But in his argument heexhibited his tact by this happy stroke of advocacy: "You saw,gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her hands. What mustmy client have been?"
* * * * *
He was a young man--a candidate for an agricultural constituency--andhe was sketching in glowing colors to an audience of rural voters thehappy life the laborer would lead under an administration for thepropagation of sweetness and light. "We have not yet three acres and acow, but it will come. Old-age pensions are still of the future, butthey will come." Similarly every item of his comprehensive program wasendorsed by the same parrot cry. Then he went on to talk of prisonreforms. "I have not yet personally," he said, "been inside a criminallunatic asylum." Then there was a voice from the back of the hall,"But it will come."
* * * * *
The judge had had his patience sorely tried by lawyers who wished totalk and by men who wished to evade jury service.
"Shudge!" cried a little German in the jury box.
"What is it?" demanded the judge.
"I t'ink I like to go home to my wife," said the German.
"You can't," retorted the judge. "Sit down."
"But, shudge," persisted the German, "I don't t'ink I make a goodshuror."
"You're the best in the box," said the judge. "Sit down."
"What box?" said the German.
"Jury box," said the judge.
"But, shudge," persisted the little German, "I don't speak goodEnglish."
"You don't have to speak any at all," said the judge. "Sit down."
The little German pointed at the lawyers to make his last desperateplea.
"Shudge," he said, "I don't make noddings of what these fellers say."
It was the judge's chance to get even for many annoyances.
"Neither can any one else," he said. "Sit down."
* * * * *
A parson, diminutive in size and his head covered with hair of themost fiery hue, officiated one Sunday for a friend in a collieryvillage near Nottingham. The old-fashioned pulpit had a high desk overwhich the parson's red head was hardly visible. This was too much fora burly collier seated immediately under the pulpit, who when he heardthe text, "I am the Light of the World," exclaimed to the clerk, "Pushhim up a bit higher, mate; don't let him burn in the socket."
* * * * *
"Biddy," said Pat timidly, "did ye iver think o' marryin'?"'
"Shure, now," said Biddy, looking demurely at her shoe--"shure, now,the subject has niver entered me mind at all, at all."
"It's sorry Oi am," said Pat, and he turned away.
"Wan minute, Pat," said Biddy softly. "Ye've set me thinkin'."
* * * * *
From a French journal comes this little anecdote of a tutor and hisroyal pupil.
The lesson was in Roman history, and the prince was unprepared.
"We come now to the Emperor Caligula. What do you know about him,prince?"
The question was followed by a silence that was becoming awkward whenit was broken by the diplomatic tutor. "Your highness is right," hesaid, "perfectly right. The less said about this emperor the better."
* * * * *
The following copies of queer advertisements have been collected andprinted by club women:
"Bulldog for sale; will eat anything; is very fond of children."
"Lost--Near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentlemanwith a bent rib and a bone handle."
"Mr. Brown, furrier, begs to announce that he will make up gowns,capes and so forth, for ladies out of their own skin."
"Wanted, a herder for 500 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently."
"For Sale--House in good neighborhood, by an invalid lady threestories high and heated with furnace."
A contemporary contains the startling news that "A carload of brickcame in for a walk through the park."
* * * * *
An error for which nervousness may have been responsible was that madeby the boy who was told to take the Bishop's shaving water to him onemorning and cautioned to answer the Bishop's inquiry "Who's there?" bysaying, "The boy, my Lord." Whether from nervousness or not, the boymanaged to transpose the words of this sentence with ludicrous effect,and the Bishop was surprised and perhaps alarmed to hear in responseto his inquiry the answer, "The Lord, my boy."
* * * * *
Tailor--"Do you want padded shoulders, my little man?"
Willie--"Naw; pad de pants! Dat's where I need it most."
* * * * *
Dr. Tupper does not hesitate to take examples from his own profession,as witness his curious story of the young clergyman who, afterpreaching a funeral sermon, wished to invite the mourners to view theremains, but became confused and exclaimed:
"We will now pass around the bier."
* * * * *
"Wossatchoogot?"
"Afnoonnoos. Lassdition."
"Enthinkinnut?"
"Naw. Nothninnut 'cept lasspeechrosefelt's. Lottaro
t."
"Donsayso? Wosswetherpredickshun?"
"Sesrain. Donbleevetho. Funthingthiswethernevkintellwossgunnado."
"Thasright!"
* * * * *
President Eliot of Harvard recently visited a hotel in New York, andwhen he left the dining-room the colored man in charge of the hatspicked up his tile without hesitation and handed it to him.
"How did you know that was my hat when you have a hundred there?"asked Mr. Eliot.
"I