An Accidental Pirate
The Adventures of Captain Pigtail McQueue
By J.A. Sprouls
Copyright J.A. Sprouls 2012
Cover Design Copyright J.A. Sprouls 2012
My Grandfather Is One Heck Of A Mummy
Mace of Spades
Kamikaze Pigs
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Dedicated to my Mother and Sister
For always being there!
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Epilogue
About the Author
Prologue
~~~~~~~
Where the wind had been calm just minutes before, there was suddenly a vicious storm sweeping across the Gulf of Mexico. Rain and wind pounded every vessel in its reach, including the mighty pirate ship The Flummery. The ship was thrown from side to side, almost rolling over at times. The sails were splitting from the sheer force of the wind. The captain was struggling at the helm with two deck hands in the process of tying him to the helm to keep him from being swept overboard. It was taking the two deckhands longer than it might any of the other crew hands simply because the captain had the unfortunate luck of choosing the two very deckhands that failed the knot-tying test. As the rain pelted them and the wind whipped the rope they were using to tie the captain down with, there ensued a bit of an argument.
“I’m thinking a reef knot will be best at a time such as this. To insure that it doesn’t come untied. The last thing we need is for the captain to be swept overboard,” Deckhand Wicket said to Deckhand Tally
“Don’t be ridiculous. We need a granny knot. ‘Cause my dear old granny said that there’s nothing like a granny’s knot. So I think that should be the knot to use to insure the captain will stay with the ship.”
“Granny? Are you kidding me? This ain’t no woman’s work, it’s a hardy man's manly work. We don’t need no sissified granny in this knot. And a reef knot would be perfect simply because it’s got to do with the ocean. And what do ships sail on? Oceans. So it’s the perfect knot to use,” Wicket said in disgust.
“Well if we’re gonna go by that, then why not use a midshipman’s hitch knot? That’s got to do with sailing so that would be a good knot to use,” offered Tally.
“Don’t go being ridiculous. We’re simple deckhands. We go and use a midshipman’s hitch knot then we’re dragged up on charges of impersonating a ranking person's knotting. Then we get keelhauled. I don’t know exactly what that is, to be keelhauled, but it can’t be good, now can it? So forget about the midshipman’s hitch. I still say we should go with the reef knot,” explained Wicket.
“But that’s just a stinking uppity name for a simple square knot and it ain’t gonna hold in this weather. How’s about a sailors knot? I realize we’re not sailors but they can’t keelhaul us for impersonating a sailors knot. Now can they?”
“Sometimes simple is the best answer to things. If we go and try thinking of advanced knots then we might let it go to our head and we might start thinking we could do better knots and that can only lead to us using a midshipman’s knot and I already done told you we can’t use that knot. I guess we could go with a waterman’s knot because we are men and we are on the water. They can’t go and keelhaul us for using that knot. What say we go with that one?”
“Okay, fine but I think the sailor knot would be better. So just you remember that was my suggestion,” Tally certainly didn’t want to be blamed for anything that might go wrong.
It was about that point when the whole conservation became moot because the captain went flying past the two deckhands and went over the starboard side. The two deckhands might have been just a bit overly sensitive because they both thought the captain gave them a dirty look as he went over the side.
With the captain gone, they did the only thing two deckhands could do, while being the only ones in position to take over the helm. They panicked. They started running around and around the helm screaming and flinging their hands over their heads. Since they had forgotten to pick up the rope, they ended up tripping over it and falling to the deck. It was then that the first deckhand pointed out that in the tangle and struggle with the ropes they had formed a rolling hitch.
“Now that was the knot we should have used. I mean look how good and tied up we are. There’s no way we’re gonna get out of this rope without a knife to cut it with. Hand me your knife so I can start cutting so that we can get back to our uncontrolled panic.” Wicket held out his hand and waited for the other deckhand to give him his knife.
“You know darn well I lost my knife in the card game last night. I did win a nice tea cozy but I don’t see how the heck that’s gonna get us outta this mess,” confessed Tally
“Well, that’s just great. You realize that we can’t properly panic if we’re tied down, don’t ya?”
“It’s not my fault I lost my knife. What about your knife? Where’s yours?”
“I don’t believe in violence and knives can only lead to violence on a ship full of hardened seafarers, most particularly when they hit the rum. So I divested myself of that knife the moment I got on board.” Wicket hated to admit that he lost it right after he got on board.
“You mean you got it stolen from you when you weren’t looking, don’t cha?”
“No…, okay, so I misplaced it, so sue me. Either way it’s not gonna do us a lick of good. We’re trapped like a couple of hogtied pigs and we’re not going nowhere anytime soon without a knife.”
It was at this point that the ship's cook came topside to see why the ship was veering so wildly. He cringed when he saw the two deckhands, Wicket and Tally, hogtied at the foot of the helm. He thought to himself that all he needed was a couple of apples and then he could have a luau. The ship gave a sudden and unexpected lurch that caused the cook to lose his balance. He grabbed the rope banister and started climbing up to the helm. As the cook huffed and puffed to get to the
helm he thought silently to himself, 'I really should lose some weight.' Tally was thrilled to see the cook coming to rescue them. After all, cooks always had a knife on them, so he could cut them free. Apparently, Wicket had the same thought because he exclaimed, “Oy, here comes the cook and he’s got a meat cleaver in his hand. We’re saved!”
“All right! And it’s about time; the ropes are starting to chaff.”
“Of course, being cut free isn’t gonna save our lives from the raging storm that swept the captain overboard. Now that’s probably gonna kill us.”
“Always looking on the bright side aren’t ya?” Tally was disgusted with his deck mate. He was always looking on the bad side of everything. This time was no exception. Just like the time they were drinking at the pub. Wicket said ‘boozing it up never comes to a good end.’ Well, okay, so they were snatched and forced to become deckhands for a pirate but at least they have job. That’s more than anyone else in his family could say. And here he was being a pessimist yet again.
By now the cook had reached the helm, grabbed the end of the rope, tied his legs with it, grabbed the wheel, and started to steer her hard to port side to counteract the leaning caused by the tossing sea. This was a struggle for the cook because of his small stature. It's very hard to steer anything when you only come up halfway to the wheel.
“Hey, hand us your cleaver so we can untie ourselves,” Wicket shouted.
“Forget it! I’m gonna have to steer this ship, so you two are staying where I can see you and where you can’t cause any trouble. Besides if I’m swept overboard then I’m taking you with me!”
His brave act of taking over the helm during this storm reflected well in the eyes of the crew. That and none of them wanted to risk their necks to go to the helm. For pirates, they were basically, big chickens. When the storm had finally calmed down, they named the cook the new ship's captain - Captain Pigtail McQueue, as a reward for saving their lives and the treasure on board. As a cook, he didn’t want to get any hair in the food so he tied it up into a couple of pigtails. It was one of the few things that really bothered the cook. He just hated to see hair in food. It grossed him out and he refused to eat anything with hair in it. He even wore a hair net on his beard to keep it out of the soups. Since pirate captains had to have nicknames, and Hair Net McQueue didn't sound right, they went with the next obvious choice. On top of being big chickens, they really lacked imagination.
The two deckhands were promoted to cooks. This was done mainly to keep them out of everyone else’s way. It certainly wasn’t due to their cooking ability, which was pretty much non-existent. Also the fact that they were both skinny as rails meant the crew didn't have to worry about them eating everything, so there would be enough food for everyone.
The Flummery wasn't the biggest pirate ship out there; in fact, it was one of the smallest pirate ships. But despite the size it was a much feared ship, known for the savagery of the crew when overtaking another ship. They were considered the scourge of the Gulf and the Atlantic Ocean. And now Pigtail found himself in charge of the ship and its vicious crew.
Captain Pigtail was still a little shocked but rather pleased by being made captain. He never had been in charge of anything before, let alone a crew and a ship. It wasn’t the same as being a cook. After all, the food was already dead and no one could back-talk you. But he was bound and determined to show them he would be the best and meanest pirate out there. He just wished he had an all-inspiring Sage to help him. The former captain had gone to see the Sea Sage just before sailing off on this trip. He had taken the cook along with him because, well, who would recognize a realistic sage better than a cook? The captain waited until the cook verified that the Sea Sage was, in fact, a bonafide sage before he listened to her. As it turned out, she was dead on in her prediction of the trip. It was just all in how you interpreted it.
She had told the former captain that his next voyage would be ‘rocking n’ rolling and that he was at risk of being carried away. The captain took that to mean that he would collect some pretty rockin’ tunes and that he might collect a few too many. But he figured that with good music there was no getting carried away with it. Needless to say, he had interpreted it all wrong. But then Pigtail thought that the captain hadn’t figured on Wicket and Tally.
Yep, he sure wished he had a sage to ask questions. She could predict his future and warn him. Pigtail wasn’t stupid. He figured that no matter what the sage said, he would assume the case scenario and then he would prepare for whatever happened.
However, not even the greatest of sages could have predicted what was about to happen to the captain, crew and the ship, the Flummery. You see, the storm hadn’t calmed down. In actuality it was a hurricane and they had just been inside its eye. Now the storm was again raging against the ship and its crew. The crew decided that since the captain wasn't a real captain then he would most assuredly sink the ship, so they all went overboard in two dinghies, thinking they stood a better chance of surviving that way. Pigtail held on to the helm for dear life. He was cursing himself for taking the job as captain. But daggum it, he liked the thought of being a captain of a pirate ship. The winds became so strong that it caught up the ship and the next thing Pigtail knew he was flying. He had heard about the ship the ‘Flying Dutchman’ but he thought it had just been a name, now here he was the captain of the ‘Flying Flummery.’ He was starting to get motion sickness and was thankful that he was at least up on deck and not down below. Since that was where everything was stored, he figured everything was being tossed around and smashed to pieces. He was also thankful that he hadn’t untied himself from the helm. He had forgotten to do so when he had finally released Wicket and Tally.
Wicket and Tally were huddled under the prep table in the galley, having decided to take their chances with the captain and the ship rather than going overboard with the rest of the crew. They had no sooner acquainted themselves with all the items in the galley when the ship started rolling all over again. Unfortunately, the knife drawer flew open and all the knives headed straight for the two of them. They dove under the table and made a pact not to come out until the cutlery had stopped attacking them, though Wicket did feel the need to point out one very important thing.
“See I told you knives lead to violence. I think the forty something knives stuck in the table top above us just proves my point.”
The captain was the only one up on deck so he was the only one who realized they were airborne. It seemed like days rather than a few mere hours that the Flying Flummery was indeed flying. Just as suddenly as they had taken off they landed with an extremely hard ‘thunk’ on the hard dirt ground. Wicket and Tally ended up hitting their heads on the table above them but it didn’t seem to knock any sense into them. The captain ended up sprawled on the deck and decided not to open his eyes until everything had stopped spinning, even though that didn‘t seem the captainly thing to do. However it was a good thing because he really didn’t need to be dizzy to see the view that he had over the railing of the ship.
~~~~~