“Enough.” His voice was cold, filled with anger. “And far more than he deserved to hear.”
49
Marcus looked in on Julia when he returned to the villa. When he saw Azar standing on the balcony in the moonlight, her hands raised to the heavens, a sharp stab of pain struck him. He watched her for a moment, trying to calm his emotions. Shaking his head, he turned his attention away from Azar and approached Julia’s bed.
He frowned. Even in sleep, Julia seemed troubled. Perhaps it was because death was so close. He leaned down and lightly brushed some of the tendrils of dark hair from her pale face. Sadness filled him. How was it possible that the sister he had adored had come to this? How was it possible he had thought he didn’t love her anymore?
She stirred at his touch but didn’t awaken.
Straightening, he went out to Azar who now stood with her hand lightly resting on the wall. “She seems to be sleeping soundly,” he said, standing beside her.
Hadassah’s heart beat like the wings of a trapped bird. She had hoped Marcus would leave the room after checking on Julia, rather than come out to her. “It’s the mandragora, my lord. She won’t awaken until morning,” she said, looking out over the city because she couldn’t bear the heartbreak of looking at him. Whenever she did, she thought of the beautiful young girl who had come with her father to see him.
Her fingers whitened on the wall as she struggled against her turbulent emotions. She was still in love with Marcus. She had known it the first time she had seen Marcus again. She had tried to will herself against it, but her love only grew stronger each day. When she had seen Taphatha looking at him with the eyes of love, she had wanted to flee the pain that swelled within her.
Only later during her prayers had it come to her how cunning Satan could be. Her love for Marcus could become a tool against her, for when her heart and mind were on Marcus, Julia lay forgotten.
Nothing must distract her from her mission here. And no one. She mustn’t waste time mourning what might have been with Marcus or being overcome by sorrow that he might marry another. It was right and natural he marry. God had said it was not good for man to be alone. And Marcus was alone.
So are you, came the insidious thought tapping at the door of her mind. She refused to open herself to it.
O God, help me not to waste a single moment of Julia’s time thinking of myself and the things that might have been.
And yet, pain had gripped her heart again as the man she loved came to stand beside her.
“She’s close to the end, isn’t she?” Marcus said grimly.
“Yes.”
“She’s set her mind against believing in a Savior, Azar, any savior.” He knew what that was like. Hadn’t he done likewise during all those months he had traveled through Palestine?
“I won’t give up on her.”
He looked out at the dark, sleeping city. Despite its affluence and grandeur, he sensed it was dying of its own corruption, just as Julia was dying of hers. Yet, he had seen the same hunger in her that he had felt. Why hadn’t he recognized it earlier for what it was?
Marcus shut his eyes. How much of Julia’s refusal to accept Christ now was due to his own unforgiveness? Sometime during the last weeks she had moved from rebellion and self-defense to self-loathing and acceptance of her fate. But salvation required more than remorse. It required repentance. It required Christ. Julia had to keep moving along the road, but she was so close to the end now, she seemed unable to comprehend any other avenue open to her but the one she had paved for herself. Death.
O God, how much of this is my doing because I wasn’t willing to forgive her as you forgave me?
“Oh, my lord,” Azar whispered softly. “If only I could make her see.”
Her words stilled Marcus’ thoughts of himself. He wasn’t sure if she was praying or speaking to him. “You’ve tried, Azar,” he said, wanting to comfort her. It was he who hadn’t done what God sent him to do.
She bowed her head. “I want Julia to know that death is not a sunset but a sunrise. O God, how do I do that?”
Hearing the tears in her voice, Marcus put his hand over hers. Her head came up, and she withdrew her hand from beneath his. Though she didn’t step away, Marcus felt the yawning distance between them. “Why must it be like this?” he said hoarsely, not even sure what he was asking or of whom.
“You must help with Julia,” Azar said, her hand clenched against her heart. “You must help me.”
“How?”
“Forgive her.”
“I have,” he said, growing angry in self-defense. “Do you think I want my sister to burn in hell?” And then he looked away, ashamed. Hadn’t he? Up until a few hours ago, hadn’t that been exactly what he wanted?
“Forgive her again, Marcus. Forgive her again and again, no matter what she’s done to hurt you. Do it as many times as it takes for her to believe you mean it. I’ve said and done all I know, and I haven’t reached her. Perhaps God waits upon you to show her the way. Please, Marcus, show her the way.”
She started to turn away, but he clasped her wrist. “Why do you love her so much?”
“Does there have to be a reason?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus asks us to love one another as he loved us.”
“Don’t give me a commandment for an answer, Azar. It should be easier for me to love her. She’s my sister. Yet, it’s been you who has loved her. All the time, it’s been you more than anyone else.” He felt her tension and wished he could tear away the veils, but Democedes’ warning was still fresh in his mind. What of her feelings? What of Julia?
“I can’t give you answers when I haven’t any myself,” she said in a voice softly broken with emotions he knew she wanted concealed. Why? “All I know is that the first time I saw your sister, I loved her as I did my own flesh and blood. There have been moments when I wished God would relent, but he burdened me with love for Julia. And love her I will until God leads me otherwise.”
Marcus released her slowly. Turning away from him, she limped back into Julia’s bedchamber and sat down on the chair beside the bed. He came and stood behind her. She had given him a glimpse of her own struggle. He put his hands on her shoulders and felt her stiffen.
Always she pulled away from him. Why? And why did he so desperately want it otherwise? Confused, disturbed, he backed away. “Send for me when she awakens,” he said and left the room.
Julia wakened only briefly in the morning and then lapsed into a coma.
50
Ezra Barjachin came to speak with Marcus the same afternoon. While they were closeted in the bibliotheca, Alexander Democedes Amandinus arrived at Rapha’s request.
“She’s been like this all day,” Hadassah said. “The mandragora wore off hours ago.”
He lifted Julia’s eyelids and drew back. “It’s unlikely she will come out of it,” he said frankly. “It’s the final stage before death comes.”
“She can’t die, Alexander! Not yet. You must help me bring her out of this state.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. There’s nothing we can do to bring her out of it. It’s over. Finished. Everything’s been done that can be done. Let her go.”
“So she just drifts away like this?”
“Peacefully.”
Hadassah sank down on the chair and wept.
Alexander frowned heavily. For whatever crazy reason Hadassah had devoted herself to this selfish, cruel young woman, she had done it wholeheartedly. He found himself wishing that everything had gone as Hadassah had hoped.
Her tears disturbed him. For her sake, Alexander made another closer examination of Julia. She had wasted away to almost skin and bones since he had seen her last. The lesions were worse, spreading the infection throughout her body. For the first time since he had met Julia Valerian, he was moved to pity. Whatever she had been or done, she was a human being.
As he straightened, he saw the tray of untouched food. “If she awakens, don’t give
her anything solid to eat. Broth or thin gruel only,” he said, unaware the tray had been brought up for Hadassah. “But I think it would be wiser not to hope.”
He took a small drug box from his case and handed it to her. She turned it in her hand, recognizing the carvings. “I still have some mandragora left,” she said, handing it back to him. He took it and clenched it in his hand. With a sigh he dropped it back into his case and set it aside.
“We must talk,” he said, putting his hand beneath her arm and drawing her firmly to her feet. When they were out on the balcony, he turned her to face him. “You have done all you can, Hadassah. You have to let her go.”
“I can’t. Not yet.”
“When?”
“When she accepts Christ—”
“If she hasn’t to this point, she never will.”
“Don’t say that!”
Alexander drew her into his arms, cupping the back of her head. “You can’t save the world, little one.”
She clutched his tunic. “I can’t save anyone,” she said in defeat, her cheek against his chest. She was so physically tired. She felt overcome and heartsick.
“I’ve decided to sail to Rome and offer my services to the Roman army,” Alexander said unexpectedly.
Stunned, Hadassah drew back.
Alexander wasn’t prepared to tell her all his reasons, choosing only those she would easily accept.
“Military doctors have fewer restrictions than I do, and traveling with the legions will expand my knowledge and experience. I’ll be able to learn about and collect new herbs. Think of the possibilities, Hadassah. You know the styptic barbarum was discovered on the frontier. So was radix britannica. It’s been successful in countering the effects of scurvy. We need to learn more, and I can’t do it here in the comfort of Ephesus.”
He gripped her shoulders, and his eyes burned in their intensity. “Your work here is done, Hadassah. I want you to come with me.”
Looking at him, seeing his love and concern, she was tempted. A few moments before Alexander’s arrival she had overheard Lavinnia telling one of the other maids that Marcus was speaking with Ezra Barjachin. She was even more certain now that Ezra Barjachin had come to offer his daughter in marriage to Marcus. And it would be to Marcus’ best interests in finding happiness to agree.
Now that Julia was no longer even conscious of her presence, Hadassah wondered what purpose she served by staying any longer. She wondered why God had brought her here at all.
“Come with me,” Alexander said. She wanted to. She wanted to escape the hurt and sense of failure that washed over her now. What more could she do for Julia? And loving Marcus as she did only brought anguish because nothing would ever come of it. God had plans for him—plans that included a beautiful young Jewish Christian from Jericho, not a woman who was scarred and lame.
“Think of all those you could help,” Alexander went on persuasively, encouraged by the uncertainty he saw in Hadassah’s eyes. “You’ve been here for months taking care of one dying woman when you could’ve helped a dozen or more live during that time. Why stay any longer when it’s so clearly hopeless?”
She closed her eyes, trembling as though standing against a dark wind.
“Come with me.” He lifted the veil and cupped her face. “Please, Hadassah. Come with me.”
Oh God, why can’t I say yes? Why do you hold me here? her heart cried. But she knew, no matter what she felt, no matter how much it hurt, she had made her choice long ago.
Her eyes traveled his face, willing him to understand. “I can’t leave her, Alexander. Until she breathes her last breath, I must remain with Julia.”
Pain flickered across his face. He took his hands from her. “Are you sure it isn’t Marcus Valerian that holds you here now?”
She drew the veils down without answering.
Alexander wouldn’t let her turn away from him. He took hold of her arms and held her fast. “What would you say if I told you I love you? Because I do! Hadassah, I love you! Doesn’t that make a difference?”
“I love you, too, Alexander.” At her quiet words his spirit soared, only to be crushed in the next second as she continued. “I’ll always love you for your kindness to me, for your compassion to countless others, for your hunger to know truth. . . .”
“I wasn’t speaking of brotherly love.”
She reached up and touched his face tenderly. She said nothing for a long moment, then she smiled sadly. “Oh Alexander, I wish I could give you what you want. But I don’t love you the way I love Marcus.” The words pierced his heart, and he would have turned away, but she kept her hand on his cheek, urging him to look at her. He did so, meeting her warm eyes. “Nor do you love me the way you do your medicine.”
He wanted to deny it, to argue. But he couldn’t. He knew she was right. He let his breath out softly and looked away. “You do have a way of cutting to the heart of things.”
“Not always,” she said, thinking of Julia. Had she known the heart of things, couldn’t she have found a way to reach Julia? O God, except for you, Lord, I feel so alone.
Alexander decided to tell her the rest. Letting her go, he said, “Marcus Valerian came to call on me last night.”
Her heart began to drum. “What did he want?”
“He wanted to know more about you. He’s putting the pieces together, Hadassah. Rashid arrived at the wrong moment.”
“Marcus saw him?”
“Yes, and there were a few moments when I thought it necessary to remind Rashid of his oath. Marcus will satisfy his curiosity about you one way or another. What he’ll do when he finds out who you are, I can’t tell you. But don’t ever forget these are the same people who threw you to the lions.” He slipped his hand beneath the veils to brush her cheek. “You’d be safer with me.”
“Even so, I must stay here.”
He looked at her, wanting to accept her words and respect her decision. But he couldn’t. He kept pressing, using whatever means he could to dissuade her from staying. Had he stopped to ask himself why he was so determined, he would simply have thought it was his concern for her that drove him. . . .
He would never have imagined or believed that there was a deeper, darker purpose at work.
“And if I leave Ephesus?” he said in gentle challenge. “Where will you go when she dies? If I’m no longer here, what will you do?”
She shook her head, unable to think beyond now.
“You need to think, Hadassah. We belong together. Think of what we could learn and what we could do for others. Once Julia’s gone, you’ll have to leave.”
“When will you be leaving?”
“In a few days,” he said, lying to her for the first time and having no compunction about it because he thought it was for her own good. “I’ll be referring all my patients to Phlegon and Troas.” He gave her a wry smile. “Needless to say, they’ll both be surprised to hear from me. We don’t agree on a lot of things, but they’re still the most skilled and knowledgeable physicians in Ephesus. I’d rather entrust patients to them than have them seek help from the priests of the Asklepion.”
Hadassah shook her head. “I’ve done everything I know to do here,” she whispered.
Alexander wasn’t sure if she spoke to him or to herself, but he sensed her weakening. A force he didn’t recognize urged him to grasp the opportunity. “You’ve done everything known to man. What more can you do but that?”
“Trust in God.”
He moved away in frustration. “I’ll be leaving as soon as I settle the practice.”
“What of Rashid?” she asked.
“He’ll stay and watch.”
“Take him with you.”
He looked at her in surprise. “Even if I wanted him along, he wouldn’t go. You know that. And now that Marcus knows Rashid attacked him, his life might be forfeit. You know what they do to a slave who raises his hand against a Roman.”
“Then he must go with you.”
“He won’t go unless
you do.”
Hadassah was torn; Rashid’s situation seemed to overshadow the concerns she had fixed upon Julia.
It was what Alexander had hoped, convinced he was putting her first. “Send word what you decide.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek through the veils. “You can do no more here. Let the poor girl rest in peace, Hadassah. Let her go.”
Hadassah watched him leave the room, disturbed by what he had said. Let her go? Let her go to hell? Out of habit, she went to the Lord. What am I to do? Show me what is true.
She knew Alexander had spoken out of sincere concern for her and Rashid. Yet as she prayed, she knew something was not quite right in all he said.
And then it came. She saw clearly what lay behind her sense of unrest, for the Spirit within her revealed it to her. All was not lost. Nothing was too hard for God. Even impending death could not keep him from those who were his own . . . and Julia might still be one of God’s own. Were Hadassah to leave now, she would be abandoning Julia when she most needed her.
O Lord God, forgive my doubt, and renew your Spirit within me that I may fulfill your purpose here. Let me not lean upon my own understanding or Alexander’s.
As she rose, she knew Alexander had not recognized the unseen forces at work in what he had just tried to do. He had not recognized the seed of the tare, nor the dark, malevolent enemy who had given him the words to sow and thus weaken her.
It might have worked. Might well have done so. But for the grace of God . . . awed, grateful, Hadassah once again took her place beside Julia’s bed, praising God for his protection.
Lavinnia came in with a tray of food at dusk. She looked at the untouched food she had brought at midday and glanced at Azar. “Was the meal not to your liking, my lady?”
“I’m sure the food is wonderful, Lavinnia, but please take the trays away. I will send for something when I’m ready.” The girl did as she asked, knowing from her words that Lady Azar would fast and pray until the end came. Lavinnia returned and took the second tray. “May I bring you wine, my lady?”
“A bowl of cool water from the fountain would be nice.”