There was my father, staring down at me in great surprise. All I can now remember of that frightful moment is his face glaring down at me, topped by his black, curly brimmed, stove-pipe hat. He seemed to be as tall as a mountain.
V
My father was not a man who saw the merit of short, sharp punishment, and I lived under the cloud of my misdeed for several weeks.
I felt that I had done what I had done in all innocence, and that the price I had to pay for it was too high; in our house, however, there was only one kind of justice, and that was Father’s.
Although I had been in the future for only about an hour of my subjective time, five or six hours had passed for my family, and it was twilight when I returned. This prolonged absence was the main reason for my father’s anger, although if I had jumped thirty-two years, as my companion had informed me, an error of a few hours on the return journey was as nothing.
I was never called upon to explain myself; my father detested excuses.
Salleen and Therese were the only ones who asked what had happened, and I gave them a shortened account: I said that after I had jumped into the future, and realized what I had done, I explored the Park on my own and then jumped back. This was enough for them. I said nothing of the youth with the lofty sentiments, nor of the young lady who sat on the bench. (Salleen and Therese were thrilled enough that I had catapulted myself into the distant future, although my safe return did make the end of the story rather dull.)
Internally, I had mixed feelings about my adventure. I spent a lot of time on my own—part of my punishment was that I could only go into the playroom one evening a week, and had to study more diligently instead—and tried to work out the meaning of what I had seen.
The girl, Estyll, meant very little to me. She certainly had a place in my memory of that hour in the future, but because she was so fascinating to my companion I remembered her through him, and she became of secondary interest.
I thought about the young man a great deal. He had gone to such pains to make a friend of me, and to include me in his private thoughts, and yet I remembered him as an intrusive and unwelcome presence. I often thought of his husky voice intoning those grand opinions, and even from the disadvantage of my junior years, his callow figure—all gangly limbs, slicked-back hair and downy moustache—was a comical one. For a long time I wondered who he could be. Although the answer seems obvious in retrospect it was some years before I realized it, and whenever I was out in the town I would keep my eyes open in case we happened to meet.
My penance came to an end about three months after the picnic. This parole was never formally stated, but understood by all concerned. The occasion was a party our parents allowed us to have for some visiting cousins, and after that my misbehaviour was never again directly mentioned.
The following summer, when the time came around for another picnic in Flux Channel Park, my father interrupted our excited outpourings to deliver a short speech, reminding us that we must all stay together. This was said to us all, although Father gave me a sharp and meaningful look. It was a small, passing cloud, and it threw no shadow on the day. I was obedient and sensible throughout the picnic…but as we walked through the Park in the gentle heat of the day, I did not forget to look out for my helpful friend, nor for his adored Estyll. I looked, and kept looking, but neither of them was there that day.
VI
When I was eleven I was sent to school for the first time. I had spent my formative years in a household where wealth and influence were taken for granted, and where the governor had taken a lenient view of my education. Thrown suddenly into the company of boys from all walks of life, I retreated behind a manner of arrogance and condescension. It took two years to be scorned and beaten out of this, but well before then I had developed a wholehearted loathing for education and all that went with it. I became, in short, a student who did not study, and a pupil whose dislike for his fellows was heartily reciprocated.
I became an accomplished malingerer, and with the occasional connivance of one of the servants I could readily feign a convincing though unaccountable stomach-ailment, or develop infectious-looking rashes. Sometimes I would simply stay at home; more frequently, I would set off into the countryside on my bicycle and spend the day in pleasant musings.
On days like this I pursued my own form of education by reading, although this was by choice and not by compulsion. I eagerly read whatever novels and poetry I could lay my hands on: my preference in fiction was for adventure, and in poetry I soon discovered the romantics of the early nineteenth century, and the then much despised desolationists of two hundred years later. The stirring combinations of valour and unrequited love, of moral virtue and nostalgic wistfulness, struck deep into my soul and made more pointed my dislike of the routines of school.
It was at this time, when my reading was arousing passions that my humdrum existence could not satisfy, that my thoughts turned to the girl called Estyll.
I needed an object for the stirrings within me. I envied the romantic poets their soulful yearnings, for they, it seemed to me, had at least had the emotional experience with which to focus their desires; the despairing desolationists, lamenting the waste around them, at least had known life. Perhaps I did not rationalize this need quite so neatly at the time, but whenever I was aroused by my reading, it was the image of Estyll that came most readily to mind.
Remembering what my companion had told me, and with my own sight of that small, huddled figure, I saw her as a lonely, heartbroken waif, squandering her life in a hopeless vigil. That she was unspeakably beautiful, and utterly faithful, went without saying.
As I grew older, my restlessness advanced. I felt increasingly isolated, not only from the other boys at school, but also from my family. My father’s work was making more demands on him than ever before, and he was unapproachable. My sisters were going their own separate ways: Therese had developed an interest in ponies, Salleen in young men. Nobody had time for me, no one tried to understand.
One autumn, some three or four years after I started school, I surrendered at last to the stirrings of soul and flesh, and attempted to allay them.
VII
I selected the day with care, one when there were several lessons at school where my absence would not be too obvious. I left home at the usual time in the morning, but instead of heading for school I rode to the city, bought a return ticket to the Park at the railway-station, and settled down on the train.
During the summer there had been the usual family outing to the Park, but it had meant little to me. I had outgrown the immediate future; Tomorrow no longer concerned me.
I was vested with purpose. When I arrived at the Park on that stolen day I went directly to the Tomorrow Bridge, paid the toll, and set off through the covered way towards the other side. There were more people about than I had expected, but it was quiet enough for what I wanted to do. I waited until I was the only one on the bridge, then went to the end of the covered way and stood by the spot from which I had first jumped. I took a flint from my pocket, and scratched a thin but deep line in the metal surface of the bridge.
I slipped the flint back in my pocket, then looked appraisingly at the bank below. I had no way of knowing how far to jump, only an instinct and a vague memory of how I had done it before. The temptation was to jump as far as possible, but I managed to suppress it.
I placed my feet astride the line, took a deep breath…and launched myself towards the bank.
A dizzying surge of electric tingling, momentary darkness, and I sprawled across the bank.
Before I took stock of my surroundings I marked the place where I had landed. First I scraped a deep line in the soil and grass with the flint, pointing back towards the mark on the bridge (which was still visible, though less bright), then I tore away several tufts of grass around my feet to make a second mark. Thirdly, I stared intently at the precise place, fixing it in memory, so there would be no possibility of not finding it again.
When
satisfied, I stood up and looked around at this future.
VIII
It was a holiday. The Park was crowded with people, all gay in summer clothes. The sun shone down from a cloudless sky, a breeze rippled the ladies’ dresses, and from a distant pagoda a band played stirring marches. It was all so familiar that my first instinct was that my parents and sisters must be somewhere about, and my illicit visit would be discovered. I ducked down against the bank of the Channel, but then I laughed at myself and relaxed; in my painstaking anticipation of this exploit I had considered the possibility of meeting people I knew, and had decided that the chance was too slender to be taken seriously. Anyway, when I looked again at the people passing—who were paying me no attention—I realized that there were subtle differences in their clothes and hair-styles, reminding me that for all the superficial similarities I had indeed travelled to the future.
I scrambled up to the tree-lined pathway and mingled with the throng, quickly catching the spirit of the day. I must have looked like any other schoolboy, but I felt very special indeed. After all, I had now leaped into the future twice.
This euphoria aside, I was there with a purpose, and I did not forget it. I looked across to the other bank, searching for a sight of Estyll. She was not by the bench, and I felt a crushing and illogical disappointment, as if she had deliberately betrayed me by not being there. All the frustration of the past months welled up in me, and I could have shouted with the agony of it. But then, miraculously it seemed, I saw her some distance away from the bench, wandering to and fro on the path on her side, glancing occasionally towards the Tomorrow Bridge. I recognized her at once, although I am not sure how; during that other day in the future I had barely seen her, and since then my imagination had run with a free rein, yet the moment I saw her I knew it was she.
Gone was the shawl, and the arms that had been wrapped for warmth about her body were now folded casually across her chest. She was wearing a light summer frock, coloured in a number of pastel shades, and to my eager eyes it seemed that no lovelier clothes could have been worn by any woman in the world. Her short hair fell prettily about her face, and the way she held her head, and the way she stood, seemed delicate beyond words.
I watched her for several minutes, transfixed by the sight of her. People continued to mill past me, but for all I was aware of them they might not have been there.
At last I remembered my purpose, even though just seeing her was an experience whose joys I could not have anticipated. I walked back down the path, past the Tomorrow Bridge, and beyond to the Today Bridge. I hastened across, and let myself through the exit-turnstile on the other side. Still in the same day, I went up the path towards where I had seen Estyll.
There were fewer people on this side of the Channel, of course, and the path was less crowded. I looked around as I walked, noticing that custom had not changed and that many people were sitting in the shade of the trees, with the remains of picnic meals spread out around them. I did not look too closely at these groups; it was still at the back of my mind that I might see my own family here.
I passed the line of people waiting at the Tomorrow toll-booth, and saw the path continuing beyond. A short distance away, walking slowly to and fro, was Estyll.
At the sight of her, now so near to me, I paused.
I walked on, less confidently than before. She glanced in my direction once, but she looked at me in the same disinterested way as she looked at everybody. I was only a few yards from her, and my heart was pounding and I was trembling. I realized that the little speech I had prepared—the one in which I introduced myself, then revealed myself as witty and mature, then proposed that she take a walk with me—had gone from my mind. She looked so grown-up, so sure of herself.
Unaware of my concentrated attention on her, she turned away when I was within touching distance of her. I walked on a few more paces, desperately unsure of myself. I turned and faced her.
For the first time in my life I felt the pangs of uncontrollable love. Until then, the word had had no meaning for me, but as I stood before her I felt for her a love so shocking that I could only flinch away from it. How I must have appeared to her I cannot say: I must have been shaking, I must have been bright with embarrassment. She looked at me with calm grey eyes, and an enquiring expression, as if she detected that I had something of immense importance to say. She was so beautiful! I felt so clumsy!
Then she smiled, unexpectedly, and I had my cue to say something. Instead, I stared at her, not even thinking of what I could say, but simply immobilized by the unexpected struggle with my emotions: I had thought love was so simple.
Moments passed, and I could cope with the turbulence no more. I took a step back, and then another. Estyll had continued to smile at me during those long seconds of my wordless stare, and as I moved away her smile broadened and she parted her lips as if to say something. It was too much for me. I turned away, burning with embarrassment, and started to run. After a few steps, I halted and looked back at her. She was still looking at me, still smiling.
I shouted: “I love you!”
It seemed to me that everyone in the Park had heard me. I did not wait to see Estyll’s reaction; I ran away. I hurried along the path, then ran up a grassy bank and into the shelter of some trees. I ran and ran, crossing the concourse of the open-air restaurant, crossing a broad lawn, diving into the cover of more trees beyond.
It was as if the physical effort of running would stop me thinking, because the moment I rested the enormity of what I had done flooded in on me. It seemed that I had done nothing right and everything wrong. I had had a chance to meet her, and I had let it slip through my fingers. Worst of all, I had shouted my love at her, revealing it to the world. To my adolescent mind, it seemed there could have been no grosser mistake.
I stood under the trees, leaning my forehead against the trunk of an old oak, banging my fist in frustration and fury.
I was terrified that Estyll would find me, and I never wanted to see her again. At the same time, I wanted her and loved her with a renewed passion…and hoped, but hoped secretly, that she would be searching for me in the Park, and would come to me by my tree and put her arms around me.
A long time passed, and gradually my turbulent and contradictory emotions subsided.
I still did not want to see Estyll, so when I walked down to the path I looked carefully ahead to be sure I would not meet her. When I stepped down to the path itself—where people still walked in casual enjoyment, oblivious of the drama—I looked along it towards the bridges, but saw no sign of her. I could not be sure she had left so I hung around, torn between wincing shyness of her and profound devotion.
At last I decided to risk it, and hurried along the path to the toll-booths. I did not look for her, and I did not see her. I paid the toll at the Today Bridge, and returned to the other side. I located the marks I had made on the bank beside the Tomorrow Bridge, aimed myself at the scratch on the bridge floor, and leaped across towards it.
I emerged in the day I had left. Once again, my rough-and-ready way of travelling through time did not return me to a moment precisely true to elapsed time, but it was close enough. When I checked my watch against the clock in the toll-booth, I discovered I had been gone for less than a quarter of an hour. Meanwhile, I had been in the future for more than three hours.
I caught an earlier train home, and idled away the rest of the day on my bicycle in the countryside, reflecting on the passions of man, the glories of young womanhood, and the accursed weaknesses of the will.
IX
I should have learned from experience, and never tried to see Estyll again, but there was no quieting the love I felt for her. Thoughts of her dominated every waking moment. It was the memory of her smile that was central: she had been encouraging me, inviting me to say the very things I had wanted to say, and I missed the chance. So, with the obsession renewed and intensified, I returned to the Park, and did so many times.
Whenever I could safely
absent myself from school, and could lay my hands on the necessary cash, I went to the Tomorrow Bridge and leapt across to the future. I was soon able to judge that dangerous leap with a marvellous instinctive skill. Naturally, there were mistakes; once, terrifyingly, I landed in the night, and after that experience I always took a small pocket flashlight with me. On two or three occasions my return jump was inaccurate, and I had to use the time-bridges to find the day I should have been in.
After a few more of my leaps into the future, I felt sufficiently at home to approach a stranger in the Park and ask him the date. By telling me the year he confirmed that I was exactly twenty-seven years into the future…or, as it had been when I was ten, thirty-two years ahead. The stranger I spoke to was apparently a local man, and by his appearance a man of some substance, and I took him sufficiently into my confidence to point out Estyll to him. I asked him if he knew her, which he said he did, but could only confirm her given name. It was enough for me, because by then it suited my purpose not to know too much about her.
I made no more attempts to speak to Estyll. Barred from approaching her by my painful shyness I fell back on fantasies, which were much more in keeping with my timid soul. As I grew older, and became more influenced by my favourite poets, it seemed not only more sad and splendid to glorify her from a distance, but appropriate that my role in her life should be passive.
To compensate for my nervousness about trying to meet her again, I constructed a fiction about her.
She was passionately in love with a disreputable young man, who had tempted her with elaborate promises and wicked lies. At the very moment she had declared her love for him, he had deserted her by crossing the Tomorrow Bridge into a future from which he had never returned. In spite of his shameful behaviour her love held true, and every day she waited in vain by the Tomorrow Bridge, knowing that one day he would return. I would watch her covertly from the other side of the Channel, knowing that her patience was that of the lovelorn; too proud for tears, too faithful for doubt, she was at ease with the knowledge that her long wait would be its own reward.