“Make it right, Drew. Be there with roses in hand when she walks out of those doors sober. Show her you love her more than you love holding on to something you have no business holding on to. If I were you, I wouldn’t take this little thing here too far. She doesn’t want you. She wants a divorce, Drew.”
“No she doesn’t. She’s just saying that. She’s just confused and upset. Morgan would never leave me. She wouldn’t,” I assured Nicole. She didn’t know anything. Everything I thought before about maybe it being time to call it quits was bullshit. I didn’t want that. Not at all. Not for one second. Morgan didn’t want a divorce. She was lying.
I dialed Morgan’s number, walking away from Nicole.
“Drew, she doesn’t have her phone. She’ll get it back in five days.”
“I have to talk to her. I have to see her,” I assured her in a panic. They couldn’t tell me I couldn’t see her.
“You can talk to her in a few days. The best thing you can do for her right now is take care of her babies. That’s all she’s worried about right now.”
“Did she cry?” I asked, trying not to tear up. “When you left her, did she cry?”
“She’s fine, Drew,” Nicole lied. The thought of her being taken there by Nicole and not me hit me like a ton of bricks. Every fucking time. I fucked up every fucking time. The thought of her crying, knowing she wasn’t going to see the boys crushed me. I couldn’t imagine going ten days without seeing or talking to them.
“She can’t go ten days without seeing them,” I said with an alarmed tone.
“Five days. You can take the boys to see her Tuesday. Come on. We have a competition to win. Morgan told me your theme. It’s brilliant.”
“Nah, I think we’re just going to head home,” I said, declining the traditions. Morgan was right. It didn’t matter where I dragged her to live. We could have a million houses and not one of them would be a home.
“Oh, no you’re not. I promised Morgan I would make you go. You’re taking those boys to decorate a tree. They really want that blue ribbon. Now move it. If I don’t go back to that clinic in the morning with a photo of Nicholas and Tadpole in front of their tree, Morgan will kill me. Oh, here. I almost forgot. I’m supposed to give you this for the boys. Pull yourself together and let’s go decorates some trees,” Nicole said, punching my arm. I took the brown paper sack she pulled from her purse and opened it.
This is why I loved Morgan. This is why I had to fix this. “Beef jerky,” I said out loud. Only Morgan would think to send them beef jerky. I was beginning to feel like I was two people. One wanted his wife more than anything in the world, and one was the ass that left her alone in a strange hospital.
“Is Mommy helping, too? Mommy has to come too, Dad,” Nicholas said, stumbling a little from his new best friend crossing in front of him. I grabbed the back of his hood to keep him from wiping out in the muddy half green, half brown path to the park.
“No, Mommy’s still at the doctor. She has to stay there for a few days,” I explained.
Despite the fact that Morgan wasn’t there with us, we had fun. I’m sure I would have been more competitive and joined in on the bickering the guys shot back and forth had Morgan been there. Nonetheless, it was fun, the boys had fun and we took second place. We didn’t get the blue ribbon, but it was fine. Tadpole traded our second place green ribbon for the first place red one anyway. He didn’t like green.
I gave it to Nicole and told her to give it to Morgan when she showed her the pictures of the boys standing in front of our beach covered tree. Looking around at my little guys fitting right in with these people, I felt a little sad because things didn’t work the way I’d planned them to work.
“Let’s get going, guys,” I called to both of them playing with Trevor and Trenton. Nicholas walked toward me right away with Dasher right by his feet. I had to coax Tadpole with a Slim Jim. He wanted to wait until the snow fell on our second place tree. It had just started again, and at the rate it was falling, it would be covered in an hour.
As soon as both boys were bathed, I turned on cartoons and made hotdogs and Easy Mac. Couldn’t go wrong there. I left them in front of the cozy fire in the oversized beanbag chairs and prepared their supper.
Damn, I missed Morgan. I didn’t know if I would make it ten days. What if she really didn’t come back to me? What if she was serious about all of that? I didn’t understand how the tables got turned. I was the one who should have been mad, not her. I would never even think of doing something like that. But now, she was the one wanting out. Did she really want out? The snow covered the deck in no time and the thoughts of my wife covered my mind just as quickly. I missed her. I wanted her.
“Tadpole!” Nicholas screamed. I walked down the one step and pulled his naked butt off the dog.
“What are you doing? Get your jammies on,” I ordered, picking up the warm PJs from his beanbag chair that he never put on.
“I a wrestler, see,” he said showing me his puny little arms.
He may not have been a wrestler, but he sure was a cute little thing. “You can’t wrestle Dasher. He’s dog. Put your clothes on.”
“When my mommy come home?”
“Mommy has to come home for bedtime, right Dad,” Nicholas chimed in. Great. I picked up the warm pajamas and commenced to dressing Tadpole myself.
“A few more days. I’ll take you to see her on Tuesday.”
“How many days is that?” Tad asked, pushing his foot into his Spiderman pajamas.
“Today’s Saturday. How many days is it?” I asked whoever wanted to answer.
“Seven!” Tadpole called.
“No, it’s not, Tad. It’s on three. I don’t want her to stay there for three more days. Let’s go get her, Dad,” Nicky suggested.
“We can’t, buddy. We have to wait until Mommy’s all better. Come on, let’s eat. Nicole sent home a jar of her applesauce you like,” I added, hoping to get off the mommy subject. It didn’t work. Mommy warmed the applesauce up in a pan first. Mommy didn’t make them eat the bun. Mommy didn’t cut Tadpoles hot dog like that. Blah, blah, blah. Sigh.
This was only the second night and they wanted their mommy. How was I supposed to do this alone? Why would I ever want to? The missing mommy charade continued until both their eyes were closed. Of course, I let them go to my bed with the dog. I turned on the television and we watched Rudolph. That helped until Tadpole had to pee.
“No, Tad. You have to go potty down the hall. Mine’s not working.”
“That’s because Mommy fell through the glass. Right?” Nicky asked with no expression. None. He didn’t look sad or frightened, but thanks to John, I knew he was. He just didn’t know how to show me.
“Come here, buddy,” I said, pulling him to my lap while Tadpole ran down the hall. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know what to say to him like Morgan did. Morgan always knew what to say.
“Mommy’s going to come here tomorrow.”
I didn’t even try. I was just going to have to explain it again in the morning. Tadpole saved me by flying into the room naked from the waist down. Why he did that I would never understand. Why did he think he had to remove every piece of clothing to sit on the toilet?
Once he was dressed again, I settled into my routine and sat in front of the fire. Dasher joined me once the boys were finally asleep and once again, I fell asleep sitting up. Morgan woke me a couple hours later, only I wasn’t here.
She looked so young then. She was so pretty. I was in Atlanta, trying to scarf up a failing jewelry store when I flipped on my laptop to see what she was doing. My stressful day of meetings was instantly erased when I watched her slide down the hall in her socks. No wonder my boy’s acted like they did. I laughed again, watching her skate to her ringing phone in her socks.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Um, what do you think I am doing? I’m trapped down in this rabbit hole.”
She always did that on the phone when I was a million
miles away from her. “You know if I was there, I’d bend you over my knee and beat your ass, don’t you?”
“Of course I know that. You’re going to do it anyway. Was there something you wanted? Can I help you with something?”
“Yeah, you can show me your pussy. I’ve had a long day.” I smiled, watching her roll her eyes.
“Where? Which camera?”
I’m sure I repositioned my cock in my sleep. My eyes watched my young wife pleasure herself through a security camera. I think the throbbing in my dick was what woke me. The flickering fire replaced Morgan’s lustful expression, but nothing was replacing this hard-on.
I opened the bathroom door with the broken shower door and stepped around the glass. John had a guy coming to take care of it on Monday, but I supposed I should clean it up. I made a mental note to do that when the boys laid down for their afternoon nap.
My dominate right hand slid past the elastic on my sweats and to my aching cock. Fuck, I was hard. I stroked it a couple times before sliding my pants down a little. It didn’t take long at all. My mind instantly went back to that time when Morgan did everything I told her to do, and I beat off, thinking about my hand splattering handprints across her ass. I closed my eyes and spewed into her imaginary lips while I coated the palm of my own hand.
Once everything was back to its normal size, I closed the door and crawled in bed beside Nicholas. He sat up, looked at me, looked around for his dog and laid down. I smiled and rubbed his back. God I missed his mommy.
The first three days were the worst. On top of the withdrawals was Nicky and Tad. God, I missed them so much. It bothered me a lot wondering what they thought was going on, what Drew had told them, and what was going through their little minds when I wasn’t there to tuck them in at bedtime. That’s when it was the worst. I hated it once I was alone in my room.
The facility was nice and homey, unlike the hospital room. I had books, a comfortable chair, and my diet wasn’t as restricted as some of the other women there. I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones. I never made it to the point of shooting it in my veins like a lot of these other girls. Not that I wouldn’t have gotten there. I think I eventually would have had I not had this intervention.
The girl from the group, Carlie, was really having a hard time. I felt horrible for her. Heroine was far worse than opiates. Carlie wasn’t even in the dining room that night. She’s really the only one I had talked to there, and that was only because we arrived at the same time. I guess we bonded a little. Carlie had a seven-year-old little girl. She and I sat in admissions together and shared photos of our babies, and then we cried. So yeah, I would say we bonded a little.
I knew she was in bad shape when I walked past her room after a stampede of nurses ran to her room. They were trying to hold her down and strap her arms and legs down. Five people stood around her, trying to gain control of her flailing body. One of the male nurses kicked the door closed when he saw me watching. I walked down to her room a little later and she was asleep, hooked to an I.V.
Drawing a heart on my steamed window, I watched the white blanket of snow, quickly cover the green grass. Twinkling lights kept perfect rhythm with the music, playing softly behind me.
‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go’
“Yeah, an Underestimated Christmas,” I said aloud to the vacant room.
I spelled out Nicky, Tadpole, and Drew and then watched the watery lines run down the window when I ran my finger through Drew’s name.
It was almost ten. They were sound asleep by now. Were they in their own beds or were they in bed with Drew? I always let them sleep with me when Drew wasn’t there. I thought about the clothes that should have arrived and wondered if Drew washed them first. I hoped he did. Nicky always broke out around his neck if you didn’t wash them first. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it two more days to see them. I was ready to check myself out.
“You okay?” one of the nurses said from the door.
“Yeah, just thinking. How’s Carlie doing?”
“She’s leaving.”
“What? Why? Can she do that?”
“Afraid so.”
“Maybe I can talk to her.”
“Would you? Do you mind?”
“No not at all,” I assured her, following her out.
“Hey, you bailing on me?” I asked, sitting on a chair while the I.V. was being pulled from her arm.
“Yeah, I can’t do this. I miss my kid, you know?” she said, using her kid as a crutch to get out of here.
“Yeah, me too, but it’s almost another day. We almost have four days under our belt. One more and we’re half way there,” I explained.
“I’m not like you, Morgan. You’re a lot stronger than me and you’re not coming off of heroine. You don’t know what it’s like. I will do better being around Carol.”
“No, you won’t. You’ll do better staying right here and going home to her healthy.” I picked up Carlie’s hand and placed it over her heart. “You feel that? That’s your proof of purpose. Don’t tell me you don’t have a purpose. She’s waiting for you to come home and celebrate Christmas with her.”
Carlie dropped her hand and cried. “It’s so hard,” she sobbed. I sat on her bed and placed my arm around her shoulders.
“It is hard. It’s hard as hell, but you know what? It doesn’t matter because we’re harder, we’re stronger, and we’re meaner. This isn’t going to bring us down. We’re walking out of here in a few days to a new life, a new beginning. You understand me? We’re walking out of here together sober. Got it?” I asked, holding my pinky to her. We wrapped pinkies and Carlie nodded, agreeing she would stay.
“Guess you didn’t need me after all,” Nicole said from the door.
“I’m sorry. Did they make you come here for me?” Carlie asked, apologizing for making Nicole leave her family on a Sunday night.
“It’s fine, and no they didn’t. I called in to check on a patient. Her husband wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone until I did,” Nicole explained. I smiled, knowing exactly who it was. Nicole sat at the round table and crossed her legs. “What’s going on? Tell me what you were thinking about when you felt like you were going to snap,” she coaxed.
“I can go,” I offered standing.
“No, stay,” Carlie begged. Nicole thanked the lady who wheeled in the cart of coffee and doughnuts.
“It’s almost eleven o’clock,” I unnecessarily announced.
The three of us sat around the table and ate junk food and drank coffee until two in the morning. A lot of things were said that night. I told them both things about Drew and me that I never told anyone else. Carlie also lived with an abusive husband, but unlike Drew, he was still that way.
“They don’t change, Carlie. You need to take Carol and get out of there,” Nicole pleaded. My eyes shifted to my hands. “What?” she questioned my gesture.
“Nothing, just that Drew changed. He would never hit me in the face now.”
“Yeah, Markus doesn’t do that anymore, either,” Carlie assured me with a bit of an attitude.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. Drew doesn’t hit me at all other than, you know,” I replied, trying to get my foot out of my mouth.
“No, we don’t know.” Carlie coaxed with a nod and raised eyebrows.
“I’m not spelling it out. Drew is doing business with Nicole’s partner. I can’t tell her that stuff.”
“Morgan, does Drew punish you?” Nicole asked concerned.
“What? No. It’s nothing like that. I like it. I want it,” I said, trying to shake the stupid off my hands. Geesh. Being sober made me ignorant.
Nicole and Carlie laughed and I buried my red face. “I hate both of you,” I assured them from behind my hands.
“Morgan’s not the prim and proper little housewife I pegged her to be at all,” Carlie joked.
“Shut up.”
“I bet you’ve even stolen batteries from the remote for all your toys
,” Carlie teased.
“No, we’ve only ran out once and we took them from our son’s toy, but in my defense they were going to disappear before he woke anyway. Drew makes sure we don’t run out now,” I countered. Drew would kill me if he knew I was talking about this.
The chest of toys made me wonder who got them in a divorce. I mean, what did couples do with vibrating dildo’s if they split? You couldn’t really use them with someone else.
I told Nicole not to come back for my eight a.m. session, assuring her this was better therapy than I’d had in a long time. It felt good to talk to Carlie and Nicole, and I already had a mental plan going on inside of my head to help Carlie.
When I sat with Carlie the next day at lunch I felt like that bond was a little stronger. I wanted to help.
“Where’s your Carol right now, Carlie,” I asked, looking down to my two hardboiled eggs. I started to complain until I saw Carlie’s slimy green juice. I’d take the high in protein eggs.
“She’s with Markus’s grandmother. She’s the one paying for this place for me.”
“Really? Where’s your family?”
“They’re in Raleigh, North Carolina. I don’t really talk to them, not since I left after getting pregnant with Carol. Markus got hired as a contractor here. That’s why we moved to Buffalo.”
“I have a house in Rodanthe,” I explained, and then wish I hadn’t. Up until that point, I was just like her. It felt good, and I didn’t want to be judged.
“I knew you had money,” she teased. “I could tell by the way you carry yourself.”
“Shut up, you could not.”
“Oh, yes I could. You’ve either had it shoved in your ass one too many times, or you’ve been conditioned to walk like your shit don’t stink.”
Hmmm. Let it go Morgan…
“Where is Markus? Why isn’t he with your daughter?”
“She’s not his. He wouldn’t take care of her. Besides, I wouldn’t leave her with him for one day anyway.”
“Maybe it’s time to talk to your folks, Carlie. My mom did some pretty shitty things to me when I was growing up, too, but I talk to her, I’ve forgiven her. You have to, Carlie. It’ll eat at you like crazy if you don’t.”