“Yeah, I guess I am a little. It’s one in the morning. Why are you still up?”
“Where were you?”
“Building a set.”
“A set?”
“Yeah, for the Christmas play. Hey, I meant to tell you, they’re having the annual Christmas party at the barn on Saturday. It’s formal. I didn’t know if you needed to get the boys new suits, or if you wanted a new dress.”
“Maybe. I’ll look online tomorrow. We need to sit down and order some presents for the boys if we’re planning on Santa delivering them on Christmas Eve,” I offered, watching Drew drop to the recliner in the front living room.
He toed off his shoes and blinked his eyes, trying to focus his eyes on me. “You’re very beautiful,” he said in the most serious tone he could have come up with. I chuckled a little.
“I’ll remind you about the presents again tomorrow when you’re sober.”
Drew pulled on my index finger, drawing me to his lap. Great. This is just what I needed to deal with. Why didn’t I go to bed before he got home?
“We’re not doing that,” he assured me, running his hand up my flannel covered leg.
“We’re not doing what?” I asked confused.
“I’m never going to stop loving you, you know that, right?”
“Will you stay on one subject?” I asked, feeling the chills run up my spine from the heat of his hands up the back of my shirt.
“We’re not buying presents online. We’re going shopping tomorrow as soon after we take Alicia and Christina back to the airport. Sole and John told me about this neat little town that takes Christmas shopping to a whole new level. It’s not far from the airport, about forty miles west, Sole said.”
“We have two kids. We can’t shop with the boys.”
“They have their own agenda tomorrow. They’re very busy these days,” he teased. “First, they have practice for the play, then Nicky has a workshop with John, and then they’re making our presents. I assure you, they don’t have time to be running around with their parents.”
“Yeah, because I have to work on my social skills tomorrow,” Nicholas said, walking toward us.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, pulling him to my lap. This felt right, but was it?
I had no idea if my plan was going to work or not, but I had to try. I’d already told myself that if she still wanted to go after Christmas, I’d let her, but I wasn’t going to let her go without one hell of a fight. She fucked up, so what. So did I. Destroying our family over it seemed like the worse idea in the world.
I didn’t let Morgan talk about anything serious. Every time she tried, I stopped her with some silly magical Christmas blabber. We spent the entire day shopping for clothes and toys. The town we visited was amazing. Main Street. That’s the only place we needed to go. Both sides of the street were made for the Christmas season and yeah, we bought way more than we needed.
The train store was amazing and Nicholas was going to love his new replica of the Tower Bridge in London. I knew exactly where he would put it. He’d just told me a few days before that he needed to make a park with a bridge in his train town. It was perfect. Morgan picked out the train station building for him. It even had the old time scales in front, like you saw in the movies.
“I’m starving, Drew,” Morgan whined after a full vehicle and six hours.
“Okay, what do you want? There’s a pizza shop over there. Do you want pizza?”
“No, Alicia and I made pizza last night. Just something light. I want to make a nice supper.”
“I’ll cook. You don’t have to do anything but enjoy the holidays.”
Morgan laughed and almost took my hand. She stopped herself when she realized it. “I’ll cook. You sort of suck at it.”
“How about a sub? There’s a sandwich shop. Fine, you cook. I’ll play with the boys. I think we should give Nicky his bridge tonight. He’s going to flip when he sees this thing.”
“Will you split a sub with me? And no. He’s not getting it until Christmas morning.”
“No, but I’ll eat your other half. I’m starving. I didn’t think you were ever going to feed me.” Wham. I grunted a little when the back of her hand landed in my gut.
“You could have said something. That’s what I mean about our communication skills. We suck at it.”
I did let the conversation go a little deeper after we sat at a small table with our lunch, only because I felt she needed to be put in her place again. Not in a bad way, more like a reminder way. “Morgan, look out the window. Would you have ever in a million years thought we would be here, where we are right now?” I asked, staring out at the Christmas filled street. It truly was magical.
“No, how could I? You bought it without telling me. You know that communication thing I was talking about back there?” she asked, crunching a chip and nodding across the street. Her tone was playful until I spoke.
“You don’t think coming here is magic?”
“No, I think most people are happier this time of year. I don’t think that’s magic.”
“I ended up in Center Station on accident. Tell me you aren’t afraid of where we would be if we weren’t here, regardless of how we got here. Do you think maybe you would have met your friend Blain again? Maybe you would have taken Nicky with you next time.”
I heard the air enter Morgan’s lungs, before she shifted her eyes to the busy sidewalks and cheerful shoppers.
“I’m sorry, Morgan. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Meh, it’s okay. I deserve it and you have every right to say what you want. What you don’t have a right to do is be sneaky about how you find things out.”
“You would have never told me. That pisses me off about you. I don’t like you hiding things from me. I have a right to know what you’re doing, especially when it concerns my three-year-old son,” I added with importance.
“Like it used to be, right, Drew? Like when you could flip on a screen and see what I was doing every second of every day? Is that what you mean, Drew?” Morgan asked. Goddamnit. Things were going so good. I didn’t mean for it to turn into this.
“No, not like it used to be, Morgan. I didn’t mean it like that. I was going to wait to revisit that part of past after you’ve been home for a few days, but I think maybe we should do it tonight.”
“Visit that part of the past? You’ve got this a little confused,” Morgan smartly accused.
“What do you mean? What am I confused about?”
“We’ve already visited the ghost of Christmas past, then we went to my house, the ghost of Christmas future. We can’t go back to the past. Charles Dickens would be very ashamed.”
“I know the name, but you have to help me out here,” I urged, trying to get back to being happy and in love.
“I love it when there’s something I’m smarter at than you,” she teased. Phew. Saved. “The Christmas Carol? Ring any bells. We’ve already been to the past and to the future, we can’t go back to the past. That’s not how the story goes.”
“Let’s Netflix it tonight and watch it.”
“Nah, it’s too scary for the boys.”
“I wasn’t really inviting them. Come on, we’ll sit in front of the fire and wrap presents and watch it. I’ll even make you some homemade popcorn,” I begged.
“Okay, sure. Sounds like fun. Drew?” she quietly spoke with questions in her eyes.
“Yeah?”
“You have every right to be mad. I’m happy we’re here regardless of how things end up.”
“I’m not mad. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because I took a deep breath and let it go. If I want to start a new chapter then I need to learn to stop reading the last one. So do you.”
Morgan looked at me through suspicious eyes. “You don’t read. If you did, you would know who Charles Dickens was. And what is with all the positive affirmations? Do you still want the rest of my sandwich?”
“John,” I snorted. “He
fires off positive affirmations way faster than I can shoot negative ones at him. If he can teach Nicky to be as happy as he is then I will owe him my life.”
“I am glad you found John and Nicole. I sort of owe her my life, too. Drew?” Morgan questioned again. I hated when she did that. It always came out too serious.
“Yes, love?”
“I told her stuff. A lot of stuff,” Morgan said, like she owed it to me.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you did. I told John, too.” I watched Morgan’s eyes widen and her mouth drop.
“Maybe this place is magic,” she teased.
Morgan and I picked up the boys and watched a Christmas movie with them first. That might not have been the best movie for them, either. Tadpole was determined Santa was bringing him a Red Rider BB gun. Morgan made the most amazing chicken potpie ever. She got the recipe from Stacy. Stacy was my new best friend and she could keep recipes like that coming all the time.
Morgan and I watched the old original black and white Christmas movie while we wrapped toys.
“This is pretty darn cute for a doll,” I said, holding up the doll with a red velvet dress. “Christina’s going to love it.”
“Oh, that’s not for Christina. That’s for Carol, Carlie’s little girl. Speaking of her. I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay…” I coaxed.
“Would it be okay to let her go to the beach house for little while, just until she gets her shit together? She’s really trying. I really want to help her. She’s going to go back to school for her degree like she’d planned,” Morgan explained.
“I don’t see why not. Do you want to sell the beach house, Morgan? We don’t have to go there. We can get a room at your mom’s if we want to visit.”
“I don’t know, maybe, but right now, I’d kind of like to use it to help a friend.” She smiled.
“Of course she can. That’s very selfless of you.”
“I kind of invited her here Saturday night for supper, too.”
“She’ll have to eat supper with us at the party. We’re eating there, remember?”
“Do you think it would be okay?” Morgan questioned. “It’s not like Nicole doesn’t know who she is.”
“I’m sure it would be fine.”
“Drew?”
“Stop doing that. What, love?” That laugh again. It was music to my ears.
“You said you wanted to visit the past again. What did you mean by that?” she asked.
I took her hand and pulled her to me. “I don’t want to ruin this. I truly believe that if we’re ever going to have a future, we’ve got to let go of the past.”
“I want to know.”
I took a deep breath and then her hand. “Stay here. I’ll be right back. Put your coat on,” I said and walked away. Morgan stared after me, confused. After starting the fire in the stone fire pit, I opened the garage door.
“Drew, what the hell are you doing?” Morgan asked, coming around the corner. “What is all of this?”
“It’s stuff I had stored at Calloway’s. Celeste just sent it to me. Come on.” I gestured, taking the first box to the burning fire. She watched as I carried a pile of canvas photos of her and me during the first seven years of our marriage.
“Here,” I offered, handing her the one from the very first Christmas party she attended with me. Mr. Calloway made us take it and even at such a young age, Morgan was stunning, but sad. Her eyes didn’t hold the sparkle like I knew they had. They were vacant and lonely.
“What?” she asked, staring at the beautiful portrait.
“Burn it.”
“Why? This is a nice picture of us.”
“No, it’s not. Look how lost you look. You’re only beautiful on the outside. I want you to be beautiful on the inside again, too.”
“Do you remember this night, Drew?” Morgan asked, brushing her fingers over the young girl in the photo.
“Yes, that’s why I want you to burn it. That’s why I want you to leave it in the past.”
“I talked to Mr. Calloway alone that night. You were very mad.”
“I’m sorry, Morgan.”
“You made me bend over your lap in the limo naked while Derik drove us around the city to let you cool off.”
“I remember, Morgan. I remember everything,” I assured her, brushing the tear from the eye I had blacked that night because she forgot to say “yes, Drew.” I jumped a little when she tossed it to the fire.
“Some wedding for people I never knew. I was flirting with some random guy that night because he spoke to me,” she said, tossing the next elegant canvas to the fire. I stood silently beside her, handing her the next portrait. “Mr. Calloway’s birthday. I talked to him again that night. Took one for the team over that one. You made me go into an empty room and suck you’re dick,” she said, pitching the next one into the flames. The next one, she was in a beautiful red gown and reminded me of the hotel room where I kept her tied to a bed and fucked with her for hours before coming in her mouth. I did let her get off that night. By the time the nine photos were burned to ash, Morgan was crying and I felt like a piece of shit.
We burned so many people that night, so many memories, and I could only hope that it somehow burned the parts neither of us wanted to remember.
“How do you feel?” I asked, smiling like crazy once there was nothing left to burn. I didn’t know how Morgan felt, but it felt amazing to me. Watching Michael’s face go up in flames along with Derik’s and Skyler’s was weight lifting.
“I sort of feel like throwing you in there now.” She smiled a half a smile.
“Do you feel like hot chocolate? We still have presents to wrap,” I reminded her, taking her hand.
Morgan and I stayed up way later than we normally did. We talked a lot, some serious, some not. We even decorated the naked tree we hadn’t gotten around to, or couldn’t stop fighting long enough to get it done. The boys were going to be so excited when they’d wake up and see their stockings hung and the tree decorated.
“I’m done,” Morgan announced. “I’m going to faint soon if I don’t shut my eyes.”
“Okay, me too,” I awkwardly agreed.
“No.”
“No, what?” I questioned the stern demand with the straight finger.
“I’m not going to bed with you.”
“Good, because I really didn’t want you in my bed,” I said, walking her toward the kitchen. I stopped her and backed her against the bar, separating the two rooms. “I was just hoping for a kiss,” I softly spoke to her lips.
“What if I say no?”
“You can’t. Look up. It’s against the Christmas rules,” I warned, pointing to the mistletoe I’d been waiting to hang. Nicole gave it to me and explained that it did wonders for ice-breaking kisses. I was about to try out my ice-breaking skills.
“I think I was set up.”
“You were,” I confessed and softly spoke the words. Morgan could tell I was about to kiss her. Her chest stopped moving when her breathing stopped. My heart raced a hundred times faster than it should as I leaned in, touching her lips with mine. My conscience was lightened and it was the best feeling in the entire world. Her eyes closed when our lips finally met and arms fell around my neck. I pulled her closer when she stood on the tips of her toes and opened her mouth. Blood rushed to my groin and I pressed it into her stomach when she moaned.
“Drew,” Morgan panted, pulling away. I didn’t want her to pull away. She patted my chest with two taps and ducked under my arm. My body fell to the bar and I groaned, banging my forehead on the cool marble top. She left me. Left me wanting more. Dammit. I was beginning to hate my right hand.
Okay, maybe I rushed into the whole house thing. I couldn’t believe what Drew arranged for me. And to be perfectly honest, I did feel better about the past, and I promised myself and Nicole that I wouldn’t go take it off the shelf and reminisce about it when things got tough. I had to find a new hobby, something to occupy my time. That’s
what Nicole said anyway. The boys were enough to occupy my time.
As hard as it was to spend the days with Drew and the boys, creating Christmas memories of all things, I slept in my own bed downstairs or with one of the boys. We kissed, we held hands, and we cuddled in front of the fire, but that’s as far as it went. It was stupid really, but for whatever reason, I found it extremely difficult to let him go all the way.
I couldn’t believe the progress Nicholas was making with John. Drew even talked him into asking a total stranger in the supermarket if he could take her cart for her. It made him extremely happy to know he helped her. He would have never done that before. I still wasn’t convinced Stacy was going to get him to perform in front of a group of people, but she insisted he was her star student. She wouldn’t let me watch the practice. It was a surprise.
Things felt different between Drew and me, not great, but different. We were making progress and I was happy I didn’t have the weight of worrying about getting high, or when I was going to be able to sneak away to do it. I never realized how crippling it was before.
“You ready Ebenezer?” Drew asked, grabbing Nicky and tossing him over his shoulder. “Have you seen Nicky? I can’t find him anywhere,” Drew teased, holding onto his ankles.
“I’m right here, silly,” Nicky called, trying to look around to Drew’s face.
“What? Did you hear something?” he teased.
“Nicky go get your shoes. We have to get going. Where’s your brother? Tadpole! Come on. We have to go,” I called.
“I pooping,” he called back.
“You wearing those jeans?” Drew asked, setting Nicky to the floor and moving behind me.
“You’re the one that moved me to the coldest climate on the planet,” I reminded him. “Maybe if I was still in California I would be half naked,” I added for the tease.
Drew let go of my hips and walked away. “Hey, where you going?” I asked in a laugh.
“I have to get away from you. I’m going to wipe some ass. Are you ready? We need to go.”
We spent yet another day talking to John about Nicholas, and then we baked cookies. On Thursday, we spent the day in front of the local drug store ringing a bell and well, a lot of flirting.