That was the first night in a long time Drew and I didn’t have sex. We lay worlds apart in the same bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, lost in thought. The normal physical vibes that I usually felt were missing and I didn’t like it.
“Drew?”
“Hmm?”
“Are we okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. Are we going to split up?” That got his attention. Drew turned and pulled me close to him.
“No, Morgan. We’re never splitting up. We’ve only hit a rough patch. We’ll be okay. Don’t ever think we won’t work through something. We will.”
As much as I wanted to believe him, I really couldn’t. Yes, we had climbed over many hurtles in the past, but this was different. It felt different. For the first time in our marriage, I didn’t know if we were going to be okay, and now I was worried about Nicholas. Was there really something going on with him, or did he just need both of his parents on the same page?
“Promise me we’re never going to get to that point,” I requested, feeling all the apprehension in the world.
“I promise, Morgan. Do you think that? Do you really think we’re at that point?”
“Sometimes. I don’t want to fight with you all the time. That’s all we do, Drew. I hate it.”
“We’ll start back up with Deidra. We’ll do a phone session like we were once a week. Let’s stop. Let’s make a promise right now that we’re done with the bickering back and forth.”
“What if something really is wrong with Nicky? Maybe we should get him evaluated.”
“No, there is nothing wrong with Nicky. He’s the smartest four-year-old I know. We’ll come up with a plan and both follow through with it. Okay?”
I agreed, knowing he was probably right. Nicholas acted like any other little boy besides the fact that he didn’t have any rules and he made them as he went. Nicholas was smart and he knew exactly how to play Drew and me against each other. Maybe he was right. Maybe we just needed to me more consistent with him.
I called Deidra from my office downtown. I could tell Morgan wasn’t really into doing phone therapy with her again, but I thought we needed it. I can’t really explain it. It’s like you know it’s broken but not enough to stop working yet. Like a car with no oil. Eventually it’s going to stop and something bad is going to happen. That’s what I felt. That’s where I thought Morgan and I were.
“Hey, stranger, how are you?” Deidra asked.
“Eh, you got room for us once a week?” I asked.
“Maybe, why didn’t you call the office? What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. A lot.”
“Like?”
“I don’t really know. Things are just strained between us. They’re not good.”
“How’s the move? Alicia told me you guys moved to California. You bought another store? Is that the problem?”
“I don’t think so. I mean, Morgan didn’t want to come here at first, but she seems to like it now. She never wants to go back to the other house now.”
“Where is she?”
“Who knows? Out with her friends? It’s Monday. I’m sure she’s with her high-class girlfriends.”
“Hmm, and you don’t like that?”
“I don’t like who she has become here.”
“What does that mean? She’s different?”
“Yes, Morgan hated shopping before. She did it online. She walked around barefoot, and in shorts and tank tops. Now she’s dressed like we’re going to dinner all the time.”
“Around the house?”
“No, not so much. Just when she goes out mostly.”
“Do you trust her?”
“I don’t know.”
“Call the office and set up an hour session next week. You might have to do an evening appointment.”
“Can’t you do that?”
“No. I’m in the middle of something.”
“Well, can’t you just call us when you get home from the office and we can talk?”
“Sure, Drew. I’ll work at home just for you. How about tonight? We’ll start tonight.”
I knew Deidra was being sarcastic, calling me an ass, but I played it off and let her walk herself into a corner. “Sure, I’ll be home by six. The boys are usually in bed by eight. Any time after that should be perfect. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up before giving Deidra time to respond. She did call me a dick in a text message, though. I needed a laugh.
I dialed Morgan next. Knowing she was more than likely out with Chelsea, I used our appointment with Deidra as an excuse to call her. Yes. We were there too. We felt the need to have a reason to call one another.
“I’ll call you back in a minute, Drew,” she answered. She wasn’t with Chelsea. I could hear Nicholas crying in the background.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, we’re just having a moment. I’ve got it. Give me a few minutes to calm him down.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Drew, let me call you back.”
“Okay,” I agreed, letting her take care of Nicky. He was going to be a big part of our conversation with Deidra. I knew I had to do something different with him, start making him mind more, but he wasn’t that bad. He was just Nicholas. Nicholas liked things a certain way, and when you messed with his routine, he got upset. There was nothing wrong with that other than he had to learn that things weren’t always going to go his way. He’s a Kelley for God’s sake. He’s supposed to want things his way.
I tried to turn my attention back to the client on my computer. This was a major deal, and with the film festival coming up, my name could be mentioned a couple times. I couldn’t focus on anything but my family. I felt like we were crumbling and I couldn’t do anything but watch.
“What was that all about?” I answered Morgan on the first ring.
“I don’t know. He was just upset because he didn’t want me to leave him with May’s substitute. She’s on vacation.”
“Well, you shouldn’t leave him with a total stranger.”
“Yeah, well don’t worry, Drew. I’m home. I’m not out having a life or anything.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“She’s not a stranger. She’s from the agency. Chelsea has used her a lot, and she even took her on vacation with them.”
“You can’t just expect the boys to be okay with leaving them with someone they don’t know.”
“I’m not stupid, Drew. I wasn’t planning on just opening the door for her and leaving. She’s been here for six hours. Tad was fine with her. Nicholas wouldn’t say one word to her, not one. He watched her play with Tadpole, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with her.”
“Just because she was around them for a few hours doesn’t mean she’s not a stranger. So are you staying home today? You’re not going out with your friends?”
“No, Drew. I’m not going anywhere. I am going to stay home with your mini. I’ll just keep giving everyone what they want. That’ll make it all better. What would you like for dinner? I’ll have that on the table for you, too.”
“Morgan, don’t be like that. I talked to Deidra. She’s going to call us tonight.”
“Great, I’ll see you tonight, Drew. I’m going to take the boys down to the beach for a while.”
I could hear the irritation in her tone, but didn’t know what to say or do about it. I didn’t know what she wanted. “I love you, Morgan.”
“I love you, too. I’ll see you later.”
Morgan’s I love you’s were so obligatory now. I fucking hated it. They weren’t full of love like they once were. They were monotone and forced, and I could almost see her eyes roll when she said it.
After closing a deal I was certain I didn’t have a chance in hell at getting, my mood lifted. Thanks to one of the oldest tricks in the book and Celeste, I closed him on the spot. Celeste was an expert at being a fake negotiator. Deciding I wasn’t letting Morgan have a bad night, I texted
her, walking down the sidewalk with a smile on my face. Texting was safer than calling. I didn’t want to hear that tone. I wanted to hear the one that was happy and playful, not the one that had a stick shoved up her ass all the time.
Drew—you have no idea how much I am in love with you.
Morgan—Um…okay?
When did that happen? When did Morgan stop messaging me funny, cute responses?
Drew—Have my boys ready in suites and ties. I’m going to take you guys out tonight.
Morgan—Out where? I have a roast in the crockpot.
Drew—We’ll eat it tomorrow. It’s not an option, it’s an order.
Morgan—Drew…
Drew—Please, Morgan.
Morgan—Can’t we just go to Chuckie Cheese or something?
Drew—No. This place is formal. I want you guys looking like a million bucks.
Morgan—Drew…
Drew—Be ready at by five. I <4 you.
Drew—Oops, I <3 you.
Morgan—LOL I <5 you too.
Drew—Always got to up me one.
I smiled, knowing my clumsy thumbs brought a smile to her face, maybe even a snicker. Crossing the street, I wondered when the last time she really laughed was. I mean, she laughed at the silly things the boys did all the time, or something on television, but those were just laughs. I tried to explain it to Morgan once. She said I was nuts, and she laughed the same way all the time.
We’d been arguing about how she never seemed happy anymore. I called it her Drew laugh. The one she shared with only me. I wasn’t crazy, and I missed that laugh. I was going to do everything in my power to pull that from her tonight. I was determined to take my family out and have a great night.
I skated through the rest of my day and left the store by four, eager to see my family. I’d been floating on a cloud the entire day, and entering my house lifted me higher. Nicholas and Tad were sitting side by side on the sofa, engrossed in the demolition of the James Town Bridge in Rhode Island. Nicky was sitting on the edge with his feet planted on the floor and his little brother sat against the back, both in matching black suites. My little businessmen.
My mood was lifted even higher when Morgan looked at me through the mirror. She smiled while fastening the clasp on her earring. That made me extremely happy. I was happy to see her in that mood.
“Jesus, I have got to be the luckiest man alive,” I said wrapping my arms around her waist. She leaned into me and I kissed her neck. Damn she smelled good. Why did I want to go out again? “Did you see those two good-looking boys out there?” I teased, running my hand along her waist. She wore red for me. Maybe we just needed to get back to the silly things in life, and forget real life.
“I did. They’re very excited. This better be good.”
“Oh, it is, my love. I want to grab a shower and clean up a bit, too. Give me ten minutes,” I said, kissing words to her neck.
“It’ll take me that long to finish my makeup.”
“You’re makeup is perfect just like this,” I assured her. Her eyes were outlined in dark blue, almost like blue smoke and her cheeks were a bit rosy. I hated it when she overdid it, like plastic. Of course, I didn’t argue too much about that. She would just throw it in my face and tell me I made her look like that for seven years. She knew that wasn’t the Morgan that finally sank me. It was the rambunctious, playful Morgan. That didn’t keep her from reminding me of our forced marriage.
Morgan was truly happy, the boys were happy, and I was a proud peacock. The kids’ dinner theater was the perfect getaway for all of us. The place even served wine for the mommies and daddies. Although the dining room had a kid’s vibe to it, it was done in elegance. Princesses served our meals, and knights came around and poured our drinks. Nicholas and Tad got sword spoons for their gourmet mac and cheese. They both thought that was the coolest thing ever.
Everyone was happy and having a good time. Nicholas was even chosen to be king of dessert for being the best little boy there. The plastic gold crown was proudly worn with a smile the entire night. And my wife smiled. A lot. Not only at our handsome little guys, but at me as well. Her eyes lit up when she smiled at me, we held hands, and snuck in quick kisses. This was what I missed. This was what I wanted every day for the rest of my life. In a perfect world, right?
Whatever was on my side that day, I sure appreciated it. The boys were outstanding and even continued after ice cream, and a quick game of putt-putt golf. I carried Tad to his bed, sound asleep and Nicholas wasn’t far behind him. He even let Morgan help with his pajamas and read to him while I deposited deadweight Tadpole in his bed. He never moved when I removed his shoes and jeans. I covered him up in his T-shirt and undies, knowing Morgan would yell at me for not putting his pajamas on him.
Morgan met me in the hall when she closed his door behind her. That tension that she and I shared was stronger than any force I knew. Our eyes locked, and she leaned into me. We stood right outside Nicholas’s door and made out like we were dating teenagers. It was nice and the passion was real. I never wanted anyone in my life the way I wanted Morgan. Our lips broke stride in smiles when Nicholas called for me.
“Are you coming, Dad?”
“I’ll be right in. Let me tell him goodnight,” I spoke, not wanting my lips to leave hers.
“Hurry,” she pled.
“Wait for me,” I said, not wanting her to be naked. I wanted to savor every moment. I wanted to undress her myself.
“Hey, buddy. Did you have fun tonight?”
“Yes, I want to do that again tomorrow, okay?”
“We’ll do it again, but not tomorrow. Thanks for letting Mommy read to you. She loves reading to you,” I praised Nicholas. I knew it hurt her feelings when Nicholas was quick to crawl up on my lap and push her away when she tried to snuggle with him.
“Well, her didn’t make me stay with that person,” he replied with a grownup, monotone expression. I looked at him peculiar for a second. Did my son just tell me he manipulated his mother by rewarding her for giving him his way? Or was I reading more into it?
“Go to sleep. I love you,” I said, ruffling his hair and pulling the covers around his neck.
“Wuv you, too, night,” Nicholas sleepily replied, rolling to his side and curling into a little ball. When you think you can’t possibly love any more than you already do, have a son. Better yet, have two of them and wife who you would die for. This family stuff was hard.
“Hi,” I awkwardly said, seeing Morgan. She was waiting for me inside the door, feeling just as awkward. When did that happen? Since when did Morgan and I become uncomfortable with each other?
“Hey,” she replied, wringing her hands. Seeing her do that, standing before me feeling so vulnerable, sent a surge right to my cock. There was a time in our marriage that I thrived on that. The memories of me fucking with her flooded my mind. I stared at her, picturing us back then. Me playing with her, or torturing her in some way to make her come just to spank her for doing it. Or getting her there so many times, and withdrawing before she could. Or forcing her to swallow my come while it coated her lips.
The silent stares were broken by her. “You can, Drew,” she offered. I knew what she was saying, but I wasn’t going to admit to it. Not for one second.
“What, baby?” I asked, closing the distance between us.
“You know, I want you to.”
Fuck! I hated when she did this. I hated when she gave me permission. I fought with it enough on my own. And just as I did every time this situation arrived, I crumbled.
“What do you want?” I asked, moving behind her. I couldn’t let her see the lust on my face, thinking about what I wanted to do to her.
“I want you to do what you used to do,” she rasped in heavy deep breaths while my hands explored her hips, her waist, and her ass. “You can punish me.”
And just like that. I let her go, and walked to our closet, never taking my eyes from hers. “Take your clothes off,” I ordered in a strong, stern,
ordering kind of voice. Retrieving the box full of toys, I unlocked it with the keys in my pocket. Morgan slipped out of her shoes and seductively slid her red dress over her shoulders. Fuck. She was so beautiful. Part of me wanted to go to her and pull her lovingly into my arms. The other part wouldn’t let me.
Forgetting all about Deidra and my demanding session with her, I hit the end button and silenced my phone. I would call her tomorrow. I watched Morgan’s breath catch when she saw me pull out my favorite toy. I think she loved it as much as she hated it. I couldn’t help it. Watching the instant pleasure mixed with the moans fucked with me. It fucked with me even more knowing I had the control when the pleasure was replaced with torturous eyes, begging me to let her come. And I would, of course I would. I didn’t take it that far anymore, but I would fuck with her for a while.
Once Morgan was standing naked in front of me, I walked to her and kissed her as passionately as I could. I felt her body relax and melt into mine.
“You sure this is okay?” I asked, tracing her collarbone with soft kisses.
“Yes, I want it,” she breathily assured me.
Sometimes, Drew and I needed to cross that line. This was one of those times. Although, it did concern me. It seemed like we were having more and more of these times lately. Like Drew and I were using the sick, twisted way we used to be to balance out the weight on both our shoulders.
I couldn’t blame it on him any more than he could blame it on me. I wanted him to be that way, too. To punish me and tell me what to do. Psychologically I didn’t need Deidra to tell me it was an escape mechanism for me. I knew I used these times to let Drew have it all. Take the control and give me a break from reality. I presume his need was much of the same. We both got off on the release it brought. Was it normal or healthy? Probably not, but it was Drew and me. It’s what we did.
I really wasn’t expecting our night to end that way. I was happy, and the frustration I was having toward Nicholas, not getting to get out of the house, and letting a four-year-old ruin my plans, quickly dissipated.