Chapter 14
The sound of the birds singing outside and the sun streaming through her window woke Ashley. The forecast was clear skies, warm weather and a gentle breeze in the afternoon. Ideal for a garden wedding.
She went downstairs and was greeted by Jane and her Aunty Rhonda. Rhonda and Jane looked nothing alike. Where Jane was slender and tall with blonde hair, Rhonda was short, plump, and had curly auburn hair. Rhonda lived by the coast with her husband Richard.
“Oh, Ashley. Welcome home, baby girl,” Rhonda said. She held out her arms and squeezed Ashley so tightly Ashley was worried she might be crushed to death.
“Haven’t you grown?” Rhonda said looking her up and down. “You’re the spitting image of your mother, but you have your father’s nose, that’s for sure.”
Ashley smiled, still trying to wake up.
“Coffee’s ready if you want some,” Jane said. “The hairdresser will be here around eleven, then makeup afterwards.”
Jane had already told Ashley all of these details, but Ashley nodded in acknowledgement anyway. She was still wearing her bathrobe and had borrowed a pair of her mother’s fluffy pink slippers. After she had poured herself a cup of coffee, she yawned and simultaneously tried to smooth down her hair which seemed to have formed a knotted mass at the back of her head during the night. She stirred her coffee and raised it to her lips, glancing out the back window. Jay stood there, staring straight at her. He gave a broad smile and a quick nod and Ashley froze to the spot, silently willing the earth to open up and swallow her whole.
She had completely forgotten he was delivering the gazebo this morning and felt foolish for not making an effort to brush her hair or get dressed before coming downstairs. And now he was coming towards the back door. Awkward. He knocked twice and slid the door open.
“Good morning.” He smiled.
“Uh, good morning,” she replied, tucking her hair behind her ear.
Jane walked into the kitchen. “Oh, I thought I heard you, Jay.”
“Good morning Mrs Harper,” Jay said. “Just wanted to let you know the gazebo is up and ready to be decorated whenever you’re ready.”
“Oh, wonderful!” Jane clapped her hands together. “Would you like a cup of coffee? It’s fresh.”
He checked his wristwatch. “Uh, sure, thank you.”
Rhonda walked into the kitchen carrying a large box which appeared to be full of ribbons and a soft ivory colored fabric.
“Where do you want these, Jane?” she asked.
“In the spare bedroom, I think. Ashley, could you pour Jay a coffee? I'll be right back.” Jane and Rhonda walked into the other room, leaving Ashley and Jay alone in the kitchen.
She got him a cup and poured the hot coffee. He was watching her, and she felt herself flush. After their public display of dancing yesterday—if you could even call it dancing—she hadn’t thought she could get any more embarrassed. Wrong.
“Um, do you want milk or sugar?”
“Black is fine.” He smiled. “I like your slippers.”
Ashley looked down at the fluffy monstrosities on her feet. “They’re Mom’s, not mine.” She handed him the cup.
He was still smiling, evidently amused by her dishevelled appearance. They stood in silence, sipping their coffees. She coughed and cleared her throat
“So you dropped off the gazebo?”
He nodded, swallowing a mouthful. “Yep, all done.”
She nodded and they went back to standing in silence.
“Did you want to have a look?” He raised his eyebrows.
She didn't want to risk going outside dressed like this, in case anyone else saw her. She scanned the backyard through the window.
“No one’s out the back. You look a bit worried.” Did he read minds as well?
“Me?” Ashley asked, “I don't care if anyone sees me.” She lowered her eyebrows and pushed her lips to one side.
“So?” Jay asked.
“Yes, I’d love to see the gazebo.”
She finished the last of her coffee and joined him outside. They walked to the rear of the garden in silence. She couldn’t help but gasp as she saw the gazebo. It was truly stunning, a perfect centrepiece for the garden. It was large, with six strong spiralled pillars which were ivory colored. The roof was domed, made out of a rust-colored metal with intricate details of leaves, vines, and birds.
“What do you think?” Jay asked as they approached the gazebo.
“This is incredible.” Ashley ran her hand over the smooth timber pillar. “I can’t believe you made this, well, I mean, I can, after seeing your house, of course you could build this.”
“Well, to be honest, I only made the base. The roof I had designed by my good friend in Portland. I sketched a rough draft of what Jane had asked for, and she crafted it out.” Jay looked up at the beautiful domed top.
“What’s this?” There was an inscription on one of the posts: Martin. She looked at the other posts. They all had names etched into them too: Thomas, Ashley, Bryan + Jess, Meika + Coco + Harley and God.
“Your mother wanted this to be space where she could sit and reflect on her life, surrounded by love,” Jay said, looking at the names.
Ashley was astounded. What a perfect addition to the garden. It was then that she noticed the small anchor pattern at the top of each post.
“An anchor?” Ashley glanced over her shoulder at Jay. “What is it with anchors? Seems to be a running theme with you and my mom.” Ashley looked at the anchor tattoo on Jay's forearm.
“Everyone needs an anchor wouldn't you say? Something to hold to when the storms hit.”
“Like an anchor for your soul, right?” Ashley pointed at his tattoo.
Jay nodded. “Firm and secure.”
Ashley swallowed hard.
An anchor? Lately she had felt like a rusty old boat, filled with holes, adrift at sea with nothing secure to cling to. She desperately wanted her own 'anchor'.
“So do you like it?” Jay asked.
She cleared her throat and blinked a few times. “I love it! It’s so beautiful—I wish I had one.”
“I could build you one.”
Ashley laughed. “I don't have anywhere to put it. I live in an apartment, so no backyard—or frontyard, for that matter.”
“Ah, the concrete jungle.” Jay sat down on one of the side rails that connected the pillars, watching as Ashley made her way around the gazebo, observing the handiwork.
“Do you ever miss this?” he asked. “Living out here in the country?”
“Sometimes,” Ashley admitted. “I do love it here. It is beautiful, but . . .” She sighed heavily. “There are so many painful memories that are conjured up everywhere I go in this town. Things I’d much rather forget.”
Jay didn’t press her. He knew more about her painful past, her father’s death, than Steven did. In fact, she had told Steven very little about the passing of her father and of her heavy drinking habit, fearing he would reject her and think less of her.
“I should probably get back in. The hairdresser and makeup artist will be here soon and they’re going to have their work cut out for them.” She looked down at her gown, fluffy slippers and general untidiness.
“I doubt that,” Jay said, rising to his feet. “You can’t improve on perfect.”
Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel that unflattering shade of red returning.
“I’ll see you in a few hours.” Jay smiled and walked away, leaving her standing in the gazebo feeling both flattered and confused.
She needed to have a shower and wash her hair before the hairdresser arrived.
After she got out of the shower, she found she had missed two calls from Steven. She smiled and closed her bedroom door, still dressed in only her bath towel.
She quickly called him back.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Hi stranger.” Ashley was glad to hear his voice again. “How’s everythin
g going?” She didn’t want to let on that his father called her yesterday and informed her that things weren't going according to plan—whatever that meant.
“Not good,” Steven replied, shortly.
“Not good? It can’t be that bad, surely.”
“No, really, not good. The deal fell through. They’ve signed with another firm.” She could hear the disappointment in his voice.
“Oh, Steven, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”
He laughed. “Yeah, how about you fly over here and make them change their minds!”
She was stunned by his aggressive tone. She was only trying to help. “I'm sorry.”
“Pretty stupid thing to say, don’t you think?” he said. “How the hell are you supposed to help?”
She didn't know what to say.
“My dad is angry and now who knows what's going to happen with the supposed promotion.”
Best to just stay quiet, listen, and let him vent. No matter what she said, he was likely to be angry anyway.
“I’m going to be stuck in my position for the rest of my life. I’ve worked too hard, for too long for this to all fall apart now!”
This was it. This was the moment Ashley needed to step up to the plate and take responsibility in their relationship. He was relying on her to help him. It was like Robert Cole had said, Steven needed her to come through for him now more than ever.
She took a deep breath. “I’ve decided I want to move in with you.”
She waited for him to respond with happiness but instead she got the opposite.
“What? Why? Out of pity? Did my father put you up to this?”
“What? No, Steven. I love you and I—”
“Don’t give me that bull! The other day you were harping on about how ‘it doesn't feel right’, then I tell you that possibly the biggest deal of my career goes up in flames, and now you want to move in with me?”
“I . . . I thought you’d be happy,” Ashley said, scared of what his next response might be. “I thought this was what you wanted.”
He was silent for a long time.
“Steven? Are you still there?” she asked.
“To be honest I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“What do you mean?” A lump caught in her throat.
“I mean, I don’t know if we’re heading in the same direction. You should have come through for me when I first asked you, not now, and certainly not out of sympathy.”
“Steven, it’s not out of sympathy—”
“I think I need some time to think things through.”
Tears stung at Ashley’s eyes and she blinked them back. “Don’t give up on us, Steven. We’ve been together five years. You can't throw that away.”
“Yeah, but if we’re not right for each other, it means we've already thrown away five years of our lives. I don't want to waste another five.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t deal with all of this at the moment.”
How could he do this to her now? On her mother’s wedding day, of all days. She felt like crumpling into a ball on the floor.
“I gotta go,” he said.
“I love you.” Ashley waited, but he didn't reply. The phone line went dead. She sat on the bed, staring at the phone, then redialled his number. He couldn’t just end the conversation like that. Not with everything being left up in the air like that. Her call went straight to voice mail.
Surely he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t. He was hurting because the Tokyo deal didn’t go as he had hoped. There’d be other deals.
She tried to call him again. Still no answer.
Despite the pain and uncertainty, she knew she had to suppress those feelings and press on with the day. She couldn’t let anyone know what had happened. Goodness, she didn’t even know what had happened. This entire week she had felt as though there were so many issues arising that she was struggling to hold below the surface. Trying to appear to be in control, while her whole life was spiralling out of control.
When I return to New York, we’ll sit down and work it all out. It’s going to be OK .
The day flew by. Ashley managed to get a few bites of food in between helping with the decorations and having her hair and makeup done, and she was able to hide the fact that she was still struggling with the upsetting phone call from earlier. She wanted to know where she stood with Steven. But that would have to wait, as he hadn’t bothered to return her phone calls.
Her hair was styled perfectly—romantic and whimsy, the hairdresser called it. It was a messy up-do, with several small braids intertwining at the back in a low bun with a few loose curls.
Her makeup was equally flawless—neutral smoky tones of brown with a dusty nude-pink lipstick. It was drawing nearer to the time to finally see the dress—and hopefully find out what the big deal was all about. For some reason she kept picturing the dress being ugly—really ugly. Layers and layers of taffeta ruffles and big puffy sleeves.
Jane came into the bedroom looking radiant. She had managed to remain patient and graceful all day, on a day where most women would be panicking and anxious—Ashley had done enough of that for the both of them, not that she let on, of course. Jane’s hair was styled simply—hanging down to her shoulders with soft curls. Her make-up was similar to Ashley’s, natural and understated. She already had her dress on—it was white, sleeveless and slim–fitting, with a modest neckline which flowed up and over her shoulders hanging low down her back. It was ankle length, and simply chic. Just like her mother.
“Wow, Mom. You look amazing.”
“Thank you, honey.”
Grace walked in holding a large cardboard box: Ashley’s dress. Grace was dressed in a classy dusty rose dress with a cream-colored cardigan. She wore several rows of pearls and had also had her hair and makeup done.
“This is for you.” She handed Ashley the box.
“Thanks, Gran. Is Grandpa here?”
“Yes, he’s downstairs. He’s fine, back to his usual self.” Grace smiled.
“We’ll leave you to get dressed.” Jane said as they both moved towards the door. “Call us in when you’ve put it on.”
They closed the door and Ashley sat down on the bed, resting the box on her lap.
Here goes. If I hate it I’m going to have to spend the day pretending I love it seeing as they’ve put so much effort into getting it ready.
She had spent so much time already ‘pretending’ everything was OK. One more thing wouldn’t matter too much.
She took a deep breath, readying herself. She took the lid off and placed it beside her.
First impressions were good, really good. The dress was an ivory color and had a romantic vintage feel to it. She lifted it out of the box and held it up to get a better view.
The soft fabric fell and moved easily and the entire length from knee to the top had a thin layer of lace fabric covering intricate beadwork, patterned with diamantes and miniature pearls. The thin straps contained layers and layers of strands of tiny pearls and diamantes. It was incredible.
She undressed and slipped the dress on, careful not to pull on the beadwork. The layers of fine lace and silk fit snug round her waist, cascading to the floor. She couldn’t have picked a more perfect dress.
There was a knock at the door.
“Come in,” she said.
Just as she suspected, it was Jane and Grace. Their faces lit up when they saw her dressed.
“Well, what do you think?” Jane asked.
“This is stunning.” Ashley turned back to the full length mirror and moved from side to side to see the material swish loosely around her legs. “Are you sure it isn’t too extravagant for me to be wearing? It is your wedding, after all.”
“It’s your grandmothers dress.” Jane smiled.
Grace smiled, “It was my wedding dress, I couldn't stand to see it gathering dust in the wardrobe so I asked your mother if we could find some way to use it. She kindly agreed and so we took it to Gina’s and ask
ed her to help us find a way to give it a new life.”
Ashley was overwhelmed. “I love it. I think it may be the most beautiful dress I have ever worn.”
Grace dabbed at her eyes with a tissue and gave Ashley a kiss on the cheek.
“See,” Grace cradled Ashley’s face in her hands. “Even old things can be made new again. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
Grace closed the door as she left, and Ashley felt as though something else was coming.
“I wanted you to wear this,” Jane said and she handed Ashley a long box. Ashley opened it to reveal a necklace.
It was a silver chain, thin and plain, but the large teardrop pendant caught her eye. It was surrounded by a cluster of crystals running around the edge. It matched the dress perfectly.
“Your father gave this to me on our first date.” Jane took it out of the box and opened the clasp. Ashley turned around so Jane could put it on her. “I wanted to hang onto it until your wedding, but if you and Steven don’t want to get married, I thought now would be a good time.” She fastened the necklace and Ashley raised her hand to touch the cool stone.
“Your father would be proud of you,” Jane said, admiring the necklace in the reflection of the mirror.
“I’m not sure he would be.” Ashley felt tears sting the back of her eyes. She blinked them away, fearing that once they started they would never stop. She sat down on the bed.
“What makes you say that?” Jane sat down on the bed beside her.
“I’m so confused. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure.” Ashley was surprised at the words coming out of her mouth. She wasn't one to open up about the deeper issues, but for some reason the words kept coming.
“I don’t know what to do. I thought the only way I could be happy after Dad died was if I got as far away from this place as I could. He wouldn’t want me to waste another moment of my life, and I’d already wasted too much.” She choked on the words, recalling his final days. “He would want me to be successful and happy. To make the most of my life.”
“Oh, honey. Life was never meant to be easy. It’s full of ups and downs. But I think you may have misunderstood the true meaning of success and happiness. They are not always connected. Not in the way the world sees them anyway. Success—from a worldly point of view—doesn’t always bring happiness. You could own all the money in the world and still not be happy. What good is it for man to gain the world, but lose his soul? We were created for a higher purpose. It’s up to us to find our purpose in life. That’s where our true treasure is.” She closed her eyes as if recalling a quote. “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”
Ashley sniffed and fanned her eyes with her hands. “That’s good. Is that from Pinterest?”
“Pinterest?” Jane laughed. “Honey, that’s from the Bible.”
Ashley laughed, then stopped, uncertain. “But what if my heart is in one place, but my mind is in another?”
“Well, that is a tough one. One that only you can work out. But I like to look at it this way. You can change your mind, but you can’t change your heart. You’ll make the right decisions. Just have a little faith.”
There she went with the ‘faith’ word. Here was the God talk Ashley had been expecting. Well, she’d had faith before. Faith that her father would get better, and look how that ended up.
“How can you believe in God, after everything Dad went through?” Ashley asked. “I don’t understand.”
Jane sighed. “I know because I know.”
That made perfect sense. Not. No one in this town ever said anything that made sense.
“I never told you this, Ashley. I don’t know why. I suppose I didn't want to upset you further, but in the moments before your father passed I witnessed what I believe to be a miracle. I sat by your father’s bed, holding his hand like I had done every night, watching the clock tick. You know I prayed for him to be healed and whole again, and I thought God hadn't answered my prayer. But I know now he heard me, and he answered my prayer, just not in the way I had wanted.”
Ashley sniffed and dabbed beneath her eyes, trying to prevent her makeup from running.
“We knew the end was near. Your father hadn't been able to move or speak for quite some time, but something amazing happened. He opened his eyes and focused on something. It was as though he was looking at something at the end of his bed. I don't know how to describe it. At first I was terrified and was about to call the nurse in, but then he raised his hand as if reaching out to someone. He smiled—he shouldn’t have been able to do that, but he did. Then, just, like that—” Jane clicked her fingers—“He was gone. It was unexplainable and I know it doesn’t make any sense, but that's how I know that God answered my prayers. Thomas was healed and made whole, but not in this world—in heaven.”
Ashley's chin trembled as her mother continued speaking.
“Our time on earth is temporary, but that doesn’t mean our lives are temporary. God has set eternity in our hearts. Ashley, I don't know why your father had to die, and there are some things I don't think we will ever fully be able to understand until that day when we meet our Maker. But I can tell you this, your father was ready to go and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’ll see him again in heaven. I’m certain.”
Ashley struggled to comprehend her mother’s words. It was a lot to take in and although she couldn’t believe in God, she wrestled with the story about her father regaining muscle control before passing. It was not possible. She had goose bumps.
“I’m sorry to drop this on you now, of all days. But you’re leaving tomorrow and I wanted to tell you face to face.” Jane wrapped her arm around Ashley’s shoulders.
“It’s OK. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry, I’m emotional today and I don’t know why.” Ashley smiled, sniffing again. She did know why: Steven.
“It’s a big day, and I know it must be hard on you and Bryan to see your mother marrying another man. He will never replace your father, Ashley.”
Ashley’s heart ached. She would have given anything to have her father back, to see him again. “I know.” Ashley forced a smile. “Martin is great. I’m happy for you. I really am.”
Jane kissed her on the temple and stood up. “You coming downstairs?”
“I’ll be down in a minute.” She smiled and Jane walked out of the room.
Ashley stood and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red, but that would soon dissipate. She appeared beautiful and composed on the outside but inside she was crumbling like a house built on sand.
Focus, Ashley. Do not let your emotions get the better of you. You know better than to rely on feelings. Fact over feelings. Every day.
She took a deep breath, steadying herself. Ready to go downstairs and make it through the rest of the day. One more day, then she could go home. To her new home. With Steven, if he was prepared to take her back. Then she could return to work and keep herself busy—so long as Stephanie hadn’t taken her position. So many what-ifs. She felt unstable and uncertain and wished desperately she had something—anything—solid to keep her anchored and secure.