It has been a year since Tommy passed. We live one day at a time and sometimes it is so difficult to see where the future will lead us. My husband, Harry, is always subdued, he never laughs anymore and just wants to stay at home and watch sport. Occasionally he will smile, but it never quite reaches his eyes and it disappears quickly. He shuns our old friends and finds it difficult to engage in a conversation. I can’t talk to him about Tommy, it is still too painful for him.
I’ve started exploring spirituality. I want to know what happens when we pass on. What happened to Tommy, did he just die and that is it? Or did he go to Heaven or somewhere else? Is he happy? Is he being looked after? Can he see and hear me? I have so many questions that I need to explore…and no answers. Most people I know grow up in a house where the whole family goes to church, so those people have belief and faith. I don’t have that. I’m forty-four and I still don’t know. Before Tommy passed it never really worried me, but with him gone, I need to know.
Jack told us that Tommy visits him. This may just be his imagination…young boys have huge imaginations. He seems to have an imaginary friend. I sometimes hear him talking when he is playing in his bedroom. And maybe it is just his way of dealing with losing his big brother.
Harry doesn’t want me to investigate the afterlife. He says that we’ll find out when we die. But I just think that is being like an ostrich, he wants to bury his head in the sand. I’ve signed up for a class called Explore the Beyond and I’m hoping Ella will come along too.
Jack
My whole family is sad. When Tommy died, they cried and cried. I didn’t feel sad because I can still see Tommy. He visits me in my bedroom. He sits on the end of my bed and we talk. Tommy told me that the others, Mom, Dad and Ella, can’t see or sense him. I am the only one. We talk about kindy, my friends and our family. I’ve just started playing soccer and Tommy wants to know all about it. He doesn’t come often, usually only when I am sad or upset. He seems to know when I need him.
I tried to tell Mom and Dad that Tommy visits me. Mom burst into tears and Dad got angry. “Don’t be silly Jack, you’re upsetting your mother,” he said, giving me a dark look. I guess they don’t want to know. So now I keep Tommy’s visits a secret.
On Tommy’s first birthday after he passed, Mom made a cake for him. She didn’t decorate it with candles or special icing and she didn’t say it was for Tommy. But I knew. Tommy had told me it was his 19th birthday. Mom was about to cut it without singing Happy Birthday. “We have to sing Happy Birthday,” I demanded. She just looked at me and said it wasn’t a birthday cake. “It is a birthday cake and we HAVE to sing Happy Birthday!” I yelled. Dad got up and walked into the laundry. Mom followed him. Ella quietly said, “Stop it Jack, you’re upsetting them.”
They came back and sat down. “Can we sing Happy Birthday now?” I asked. The whole family joined in. They sounded strained and sad, but I sang it as brightly and happily as I could. Tommy gave me a big smile and a wink. He loved it.
Ella
Taylor and I were hanging out together at the beach today. His phone notifications kept going off and he was really secretive about answering the messages. “Who’s calling?” I asked. He stammered that his friend, Sean was trying to arrange a gathering. He didn’t look at me and changed the subject straight away. “Come on let’s go for a swim,” he said throwing sand on my stomach. Cheeky boy, I chased after him and we splashed around in the waves.
I went back to the towel first, I was freezing and Taylor stayed in the water to catch a few more waves. The sun’s rays quickly dried my skin and I began to relax. Taylor’s phone was going off, messages were coming in constantly. I leaned over to see who it was. Tiffany’s name appeared with a series of love hearts and several question marks. My jaw dropped. I scrolled through his phone, Taylor had been talking to her all morning. There were at least 50 messages. He had lied to me, Sean wasn’t messaging him, it had been Tiffany.
Now, I’m not very experienced with relationships, this was my first. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Maybe I was wrong, Maybe Sean had messaged him earlier. I decided to play it cool. Taylor eventually returned and flicked water all over me. Sitting next to me, he looked at his phone and smiled. “Who has been sending all those messages, Taylor, your phone has been going crazy!” I said, hoping for an honest answer. Taylor, threw his phone down and replied with a sweet smile, “It doesn’t matter, nothing matters when I am with you Ella, you are so beautiful and I love you.”
I felt so mean, doubting my boyfriend. I smiled and opened my arms and we lay on the beach snuggling. Taylor nuzzled into my neck and playfully nipped me on the ear. All thoughts of Tiffany and her crazy text messaging had disappeared, I felt totally in love.
Aiden
Let me explain to you how the Angel world works. I am not a human, I never have been. There are an infinite number of angels watching over all of the Creator’s creatures. We all look different, some of us are male, others female and we don’t look alike. I have never slept or eaten. I can’t smell or taste. However I can hear peoples’ thoughts and I can see into their soul.
Humans are such strange creatures, they are all so different. We angels are not supposed to judge, just observe and help them when it is time for their spirit to pass on, but sometimes this is difficult.
Every passing is different, this morning I sat beside Grant Smythe, a 63 year-old man who had a massive heart attack the night before. He struggled with dying, fought it until his last breath. But it was his time to go, so I patiently waited. This man had a very dark aura, it was muddy with his negative thoughts about everyone and everything. He had been totally self-centered during his life, not really caring about his wife and children. An alcoholic for most of his life, he could only think about getting his hands on his next bottle of rum.
They sat around him watching him in his last hours. His daughter cried when he passed. She mostly cried for the loss of a father she had never really had. His wife just sighed. When she stood, I could see the burden lifting off her shoulders as her back straightened. And his son was angry, it was radiating from him. He had both loved and hated his father and he silently swore that he would never be like him.
When Grant’s spirit lifted from his body, he looked terrified. He was jittery and about to flee. I told him everything would be fine and that he was returning home. His parents came to meet him. As soon as he saw them, his spirit softened and relaxed. They greeted him with absolute love as they embraced him and then we all went towards the light.
Sometimes the really dark ones refuse to come, they howl and run. I can’t force them to go into the light. Just like in life, spirits have free choice. Some decide to stay Earth-bound, they roam the Earth wishing to be mortal again, trying to make contact with humans.
That is why it is foolish for humans to invite spirits into their home. They don’t know who is going to come in.
Then there are the beautiful souls who pass peacefully and embrace their journey. Their passing room is often embraced in a pink mist, full of love and acceptance. These souls come out smiling and they move towards the light with their arms open and their eyes shine with acceptance.
Most humans can’t see us. Some seem to be able to sense us when we stand nearby. You can see the hairs on their arms raise and they often turn around to see if someone is there. The only people who can truly see us are ones who have opened their hearts and minds to look beyond their human world. Often young children will see us and they usually smile. Have you ever seen a baby turn their head and smile at nothing? Or heard a toddler talking to an imaginary friend? Not only can the little ones see angels, but sometimes they see spirits. Children who have passed on at a young age often go back and visit their family. I’ve watched them playing with their siblings in their bedrooms. As children get older they mostly lose this ability and it is forgotten. Perhaps this is what the Creator wants, so as not to confuse the dimensions of life.
Sometimes I envy humans
. To have someone love you so much they would sacrifice their own life to save you. To feel the touch of fingertips lovingly trace over your body. To laugh so hard you cry. To cuddle someone and feel so secure you fall asleep in their arms….
And sometimes I just don’t understand them. They can be so foolish. Lying, cheating and violent; stealing and hurting the ones they love. Power seems to be a dangerous emotion that many humans desire and lust after. It causes wars and conflict, both large and small.
I find this frustrating and disappointing. As I said earlier, angels are not supposed to judge or interfere. This is something I struggle with.
Ella
Today I had my final fitting for my prom evening dress. It looked fabulous, so elegant and flowing. My Mom had tears rolling down her cheeks, “Ella, you look stunning, I can’t believe my little girl has grown up to be such a beautiful young woman.” This was one of those special mother daughter moments I will never forget. We decided not to show Dad until prom night.
The next week flew by…full of appointments for hair, make-up tryouts and shopping for shoes and accessories. I was the happiest girl in the world and prom night was going to be the best night of my life. Taylor ordered a suit to match my black dress. He has been incredibly busy, but he still found the time to send me several texts a day, saying the most beautiful things.
The night finally arrived and excitement buzzed through every cell in my body. The hairdresser had curled my hair and worked on it for hours to create a loose updo. Then the make-up artist totally changed my face. She gave me the most incredible smoky eyes and perfectly shaped red lips. At first I was shocked…who was this sophisticated woman in the mirror.
Dad cried when he saw me, he told me that I was stunning and how proud he was of me. I almost cried too. The last couple of years had been really hard for all of us. Then Dad took me in his arms and gave me a cuddle. Stepping back, he took a small gift box from his pocket and gave it to me, “This is for you, my gorgeous girl, I am so proud of you.” It was a beautiful silver ring with an S surrounded by purple amethysts. We hugged and didn’t let go. Mum and Jack joined us and we all stood there feeling blessed to have such a wonderful family.
Taylor and his father arrived in a fancy Mustang they had hired. The look on Taylor’s face when he saw me was priceless. He stood there with his mouth hanging open. Dad squeezed his shoulder and Taylor shook his head, “You look so different, you are so hot! I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Bye Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, I have to take Ella to the prom and show her off.”
I could feel my face blushing, but I secretly felt pleased to get such an overwhelming reaction. Taylor held the door open for me and kissed me on the hand before running around to the other door and sitting beside me. “I love you Ella and you are all mine, I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world.” I could feel my heart melting, it was beating fast and I couldn’t stop smiling. “I love you too, Taylor, you look so handsome, all those girls are going to be so jealous.” Little did I know that these words would come back to haunt me.
After all the formalities and some very funny speeches, Taylor and I hit the dance floor. It was like there was nobody else in the room, just Taylor and me. He took me by the hand and led me to the drink table. “I’ll be back in a second,” and off he went towards the toilets. I took a deep breath, smiling to myself, this was like a fairy tale.
Two hands reached around my waist, I turned to see who was cuddling me. “Hey Connor, isn’t this exciting!” I said as I gave him a quick cuddle back. Connor and I had been friends since elementary school. “Ella, you are the best…” And he fell backwards hitting his head with a loud clunk on the concrete floor. Gasping, I leaned forward to check on him and felt my arm being pulled back. Taylor had a firm hold and a stern look on his face. “Keep your hands off my girl, Connor. Next time it won’t just be a shove,” Taylor warned in a menacing voice. Connor sat up rubbing his head, “What’s wrong with you man?” he looked quizzically at Taylor.
“Don’t touch my girl again, if you know what’s good for you!” he yelled while sneering and cracking his knuckles.
In shock, I couldn’t believe what had happened, it was like a bad dream. I looked Taylor in the eyes, “Taylor you could have hurt Connor, why did you do that?”
“He was harassing you Ella, I’m just protecting you,” he hissed while glaring at Connor.
“Connor has been my friend for years, he wasn’t harassing me and I can look after myself,” and with that I stormed off to the bathroom. How could my perfect night turn around so quickly? Tears began to roll down my cheeks, my smoky eyes started to run…I grabbed a tissue and forced myself to get a grip. That was when Tiffany walked in.
“Hi Ella, what’s the matter?” she asked looking concerned.
I shook my head, “I’m fine Tiffany, it’s just Taylor acting like a possessive caveman.” And then I realized I shouldn’t tell her any more, after all, she was his ex-girlfriend. “It’s nothing really, I think I’m just overwhelmed by how exciting tonight has been.”
A few minutes later, I returned to our table. Taylor was sitting by himself and as I approached, he quickly stood and held his arms out to me. Holding me, he apologized. “I don’t know what happened Ella, I’m so sorry, I love you so much.”
He asked me to dance, but it felt more like a chore to move to the music and keep smiling. There was a certain unease in my feelings and I felt shaky. Then the Principal walked up to Taylor and led him to another room. I could see that Taylor was arguing with him. Then Ann, Taylor’s mom, entered and joined in the conversation. She turned and walked towards the door. The Principal stood there with his arms crossed, staring at Taylor. Taylor shook his head and followed his mom. He stopped before he walked through the door and waved to me and said something to the Principal. I limply waved back. What had just happened? My best night ever had turned into my greatest nightmare.
The Principal drove me home. He wanted to come in and talk to my parents, but I asked him not to, making up an excuse that they were sick with the flu and would be in bed asleep. I walked inside, told Mom and Dad I’d had a great night, took off my dress and crashed into bed. Laying there, staring out my window at the moon, I felt confused. A crushing sadness drifted over my body, enveloping my every thought. I sighed and told myself to stop over-thinking the night and eventually fell into a deep sleep.
Connor
Ella and I have been besties for years, ever since Grade 3. Since we started High School we have drifted apart slightly. You know how it is? Part-time jobs, schoolwork, sport and hanging out with different friends, but that doesn’t mean that I still don’t care deeply about my buddy. When we were ten we promised each other we would be friends forever, no matter what! And when we catch up it is like we have never been apart. Some people think that we are more than friends, but we aren’t. It is more like a brother-sister type of relationship.
Ella has been through some really tough times over the last couple of years. I sat next to her at Tommy’s funeral and held her hand. Her hand was cold and shaking, her hold was so strong that it hurt. When the curtains were closed around his casket, her body went slack, she couldn’t move. We sat there and she cried on my shoulder. Eventually her Dad came in and carried her to their car. My heart bled for her. I cried too, but mostly for Ella, I hated seeing her that way, I wished I could take her pain away.
At the prom party I saw Ella from across the room. She literally took my breath away. I had never seen anyone look so stunningly beautiful. My jaw dropped and I stood there staring at her. My friend, James, slapped me on the back, “Hey Connor, are you okay?” That brought me back to my senses. I looked around and everyone was laughing and smiling at me. James encouraged me, “Go get her tiger.”
But she was cuddling up to that moronic boyfriend of hers, Taylor. What can she possibly see in that jerk! He is so fake and definitely not good enough for Ella. Then Taylor moved away.
“Back soon boys,” I smiled as I race
d across the room to say hi to her. She was so excited to see me, then that ape of a boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and shoved me so violently I fell backwards. My head hit the floor, making the most dreadful noise. I could hear it above the music. Everything went dizzy and my eyes were blurry for a moment. Then the pain started. I looked up and saw Ella bending over me, concern etched on her beautiful face.
That ape threatened me about leaving Ella alone. I hate him with a passion, if it wasn’t for Ella, I would have jumped up and smashed him. But I didn’t want to ruin her night, so I just stood, said goodbye to Ella and went back to my friends. They were all horrified at what had just happened. After seeing the egg-sized lump on the back of my head, James insisted on taking me home. My Mom took me to the hospital’s emergency department. An x-ray and three hours later, I was allowed to go home. The jerk!
When Ella noticed I had left the party, she phoned to check on me and I told her I was fine, just a bit of a headache. She apologized again and I told her not to worry. But in my mind I wanted to scream, GET AWAY FROM HIM ELLA, you deserve SO much better! I told her a joke to break the tension and she giggled. When Ella laughs she lights up everything and everyone around her. Then I told her that tonight she was like a diamond among plastic stones. As humble as ever, she said to me that my head condition must be causing hallucinations. It was my turn to laugh. We said goodnight and promised to catch up the following week.
Tony (Taylor’s Adopted Dad)
My name is Tony, I’m Taylor’s adopted Dad. Ann, my wife, and I couldn’t have children, we tried desperately for several years, but it just didn’t happen for us. For many years we fostered young children…the ones who needed a safe and loving home. Poor kids had been born into some terrible circumstances.