Days went by and I was restless.
I had to get back to what I were before. Worst. I had to get back to what I no longer wanted to be: a priest. I jumped from body and soul in my obligations to cover the wounds made by a woman that I blindly and deeply loved.
I was so furious with what I’ve seen that I confess that I laid my rage on the poor evangelicals performing their cult at the church square. I almost dismissed Tobias, my driver, because he took the car without my permission to help his mother. She had twisted her ankle on the fall of Josias at her feet, when they were leaving the square. Since I had a commitment to make him stop drinking, I let him stay.
I did everything to chase away bad thoughts from my mind with continuous work. To stop her from getting inside the parish house, I was leaving the key on the lock, obstructing it and stopping anyone who tried to open the door from outside, once she also had a copy of the key.
Until one rainy Sunday, about three weeks ago, the church was open until later because several of my followers opted for waiting the rain to stop. Judith was there, and I didn’t even want to look at her. So, I asked for one of the catechists to lock the doors of the church after everyone left, and I went away in a hurry.
In my bedroom I turned the lights off and laid down, sure that this nightmare would eventually end. I was surprised by the lights turning on mysteriously; it was then that I saw the woman that turned my life in a hell laid against the door, as a framed picture.
She was prettier than ever. Her hair wet, lipstick, perfume, light skin, honey eyes, thin nose and filled up checks were attributes to the most perfect face I’ve ever seen in my whole life, and it was an invitation to the burning fire consuming me uncontrollably. However, behind all that beauty, there was a demon. The memory of her betrayal was stronger than my will to make love to her.
The problem is that on that day I forgot to leave the key on the lock to stop her from opening from outside, and she wouldn’t miss the opportunity.
— How could you get in here?
— You are the one that wanted this way, remember? — she said, showing me the huge key.
— I refer to your nerves!
— My nerves are our nerves! — she laughed getting close to the bed.
— Stop!
I got up and put on my robe. She looked at me as if she didn’t understand and tried to give a hug, but I pushed her away.
— What is going on, Lázaro?
— Go away, now!
She pulled a poor girl face and said she was coming every night to see me, but that she couldn’t open the door because of the key in the lock from the inside.
— Why are you acting so rude to me? — she whined.
I turned my back on her, went down the stairs and waited for her by the door on the way out. Judith came walking slowly, sliding her fingers on the rail until she touched the wooden sphere adorning the beginning of the stairs and stopped on the last step. I pointed the way out, however, she didn’t want to go.
So I explained her what I’ve seen at her house at the night I was coming from the party at Magalhães. I told her everything, in detail. Judith was shock and was breathing as if she had just got scared.
— But I was also at the party…
— Liar!!! — I yelled — Because if you were, you wouldn’t allow Tobias to get drunk. I had to get back driving the car, did you know? Many people came to help and, if you were there, you would have seen this.
— I had so many things to do…
— And you think I didn’t look for you? Who was keeping you so busy?
— You are making me nervous!
— You are nervous because you have a guilty conscience. Go away and never come back!
— Please, Lázaro, don’t do this to me!
— You are sick, Judith, go on and live your goddamm life without including me into your adventures.
— You cannot leave me right on the time I need your support the most.
— Support?
— I had an incident with Josias, and he made me weird threats. People say he is a sorcerer and that he put a curse on me. My life is at risk, and I need someone to protect me.
— Go pray! That is what you need.
— This is not fair, Lázaro, look at me! Do you think I have the guts to cheat you?
— You cheated your fiancée with me, that is a sign that you have the guts to do a lot.
— It is different now, my prince charming. I love you too much! You know that.
— To hell your love! And stop calling me prince charming.
— What about our projects about leaving here? Of us becoming husband and wife. What about our children?
— How could you be so cynical?
I grabbed her by the arms and took the key from her hands. I tried to open the door to throw her out, but she freed herself and got away.
— I am not leaving like this. You cannot allow our relationship to die because of a misunderstanding.
— The door will be open, Judith, and I am going up to my bedroom. I want you to leave without taking the key and never come back to disturb me.
I turned my back and started going up the stairs, but she grabbed me by the robe, stopping me.
— I love you, Lázaro!
I freed myself with rough gestures and pushed her away. We started another argument. Judith cried like a spoiled child, saying she was innocent. I remained indifferent and continued going up the stairs without mercy.
— I love you! — she yelled. Her wish to hug me was more than inconvenient.
In the middle of the stairs she grabbed me again by my back, and I, angry, tried to free myself from her arms harshly. It wasn’t easy to get free from her gripe. Judith yelled “I love you” without even taking a breath. When I freed myself, she lost her balance and fell back, hitting the back of her head on the wooden sphere at the beginning of the handrail. The sound of her fall scared me, I turned and saw her body lying down, having a convulsion. The blood started flowing from her head, mouth and nostrils.
I tried to bring her back, but I realized that her neck had broken on the fall. There was no time to take her to the hospital… and the rest, it was exactly as you said, that is, I cleaned everything and left her body at the yard to incriminate the sorcerer.
However, detective, I don’t think it is possible to anyone to believe in this story. For sure you will not be able to take this process any further.
− Unless, Lázaro, you have worn gloves to open her mail chest so that no fingerprints would be left.
− You are a great detective! I really didn’t think anyone would assume that I would cross the square, on that same tragic night, to return the parish house key to her bedroom. The place I chose was weird, indeed, but, taking into consideration that the chest key was hidden, that would be the ideal place so that no one notice that she needed to go frequently to the parish house, and so, I would be even further not accounted as a suspect. So, I removed the pins from the hinges, opened the chest by its opposite side, threw the key in and left, leaving everything as it was. In this case you win, because my fingerprints remained in that chest.
− What moves me in your revelations, Lázaro, is the jovial tone of your talk. By any chance, do you still hold any resentment from your adolescence?
− What does it has to do with anything?
− I say this because that young adventurer remains with you, did you know?
− You know nothing about my life. I did what you wanted. Now leave.
− You didn’t kill Judith. It was an accident.
− I know this. You can’t imagine how my conscience is clear.
− So, can you explain to me how this “I love you” disturbs you so much? Would it be the voice of your conscience or of your affliction?
− She is calling me, detective, I hear these words on my mind. This reminds me of how sad her death was. This makes me aware that it is my fault.
− This voice deceives you, Lázaro, to the point
that it does anything to you.
− So, allow my fate to be happy.
− This is an easy path to walk. Do you know where it is heading?
− I am going to Heaven! I know this because today’s mass was a celebration to the forgiveness of our sins. I prayed to Judith and I to be forgiven by the Most High, and I know that God took her to a place where we will be happy for all eternity.
− What about your past, your mistakes and frustrations. Were they forgiven?
− I don’t want to know about my past, the present is what matters. What prevails is the vision that God has of me now.
− But if you forgave Judith, you should, then, forgive yourself for your own agony, because, whether you want it or not, this is also part of your life, as if you were betraying yourself.
− I don’t have to do this!
− There is nothing hidden that cannot be revealed, and there is nothing hidden that cannot be acknowledged.
− Do not compare me to the impious man, detective. I am not wicked; I do not talk about peace with wickedness in my heart. I know that God will be merciful to my mistakes, and will not remember my sins, releasing me from the heavy burden of guilt.
− If He can do all of this, why are you limited to forgive your own actions?
− This is not your business!
− Of course not. I am just asking you to acknowledge your own flaws. Why don’t you want to do this?
− Because I don’t see why.
− Don’t see why or don’t see the danger around you?
− I am aware that there is no danger around me.
− What if God asks you about that young man you were once and asks you to explain about him? Let’s assume that this rebel were here, on the table, with the dissatisfaction of an adventurer that made his professional choice, but that now brings the regret on his face. Imagine that he wanted to be someone that could be seen and cheered by all, because he always been just another one in the crowd and could no longer live with such insignificance. Today, after achieving everything he ever wanted, he revolts for not having obtained the happiness so desired, with the desire to reach higher steps with the purpose of suppressing the ambition taking over him. Look over the table to your right, Lázaro, look at how it consumes your soul until you have no option other than hearing him. The only thing you hear is this blind “I love you”, as if he wanted to take you to the pain of the guilt for which he is the sole responsible.
− This way, then, I would tell God that I take the blame, from body and soul.
− Would you forgive him for handling you this entire time? Try to remember of the dissatisfaction that accompanied you at the times of betrayal! Who prepared the fantasies that only served to disturb you? Who induced you to go to Judith’s house, convincing you that you would not sleep tight if you did not settled the doubt about what you’ve seen on the alley? Can’t you see that it was the same young man that made you fall for Judith? Can’t you see that he manipulated you, making you desire this make-believe world where your happiness would be guaranteed?
− I do not believe in these things.
− Right now he is telling you about the urgency of time, and you’re thinking about this. “The time is upon me, I need to go!”. Are you sure that you will be able to forgive all evil he’s done to you? Be sure that you will not, Lázaro, and do you want to know why? Because it is him that you wish to kill. Him is the one that deserves a shot to free your soul, however, this young adventurer is taking you to destroy your body, your flesh, as if it were you that should die instead of him.
− I am an ordinary man and I know that God…
− You do not have to punish yourself! Where is your capacity to overcome? What about your gift? What about the power of your words?
− I no longer belong to this world.
− Do you wish to go to Heaven with this thinking? This is why God created you?
− (Sobbing).
− Let me help you, Lázaro, come with me and I…
− Stay where you are!
− Ok! Please, put your gun down. I just want you to understand that time is upon you, and you must make a decision.
− I must stay to decide my fate.
− So you must kill someone. The choice is yours. The only thing I can do is inform you of the disturbances. You will decide who stays and who goes, but if you wish to stay, I ask you to remember all the bad things that this young man standing on the table made you go through… and shoot him.
− How do you know so much about me?
− I know because I understand how it is to be in your shoes. I just need to take your pain and put it on me. Point the gun at him, Lázaro. Ignore the damages to the walls, ignore this religious obsession, ignore time, and kill this young man.
− (sobbing).
− Order him to never say “I love you” again. Point the gun, Lázaro. That is it, very good! Forget about your crying and try to see him. See the pain caused by him. Watch him with the half-closed eyes, crossed arms, cheering for the worst. That is it! Put all your hatred on this evil being and say what you want right this instant.
− I want… I want… to kill him.
− Exactly. You want him to get out of your life and never come back again to mess with you. That is what you want, right?
− Right.
− So, shoot him, Lázaro, do what your heart tells you to!
− But, this will do no good.
− You have to try to see if it works! Be brave, Lázaro, shoot him.
− What about Judith?
− Your life first!
− What about me?
− Be the power you have always been and God will show you the way. Set yourself free! Show the angels the power of your faith, and make the Heavens applaud you for your noble and wise attitude!