Soon after the wedding we set sail for Athens. I must admit some apprehension about this journey; after all, my father had forced the Athenians into years of subjugation. I did not know how they would react but was grateful to have with me my nurse-maid. It took many days to reach the port of Athens. We stopped at Naxos, Thera and Delos along the way. When we docked at Naxos, I was almost certain Theseus would leave me behind like he had Ariadne. That was foolish thinking on my behalf. Theseus was a different man and times had changed.
I was very wrong about the Athenians. They warmly welcomed me because I made their hero a happy man. The following years in the court were uneventful and to be frank, rather boring. Unlike the royal court at Knossos where I had been involved, here, I quickly learnt, women did not participate in decision making. It was disappointing and though Theseus would sometimes confide in me, he did not want to hear what I thought.
Regardless, we had two beautiful sons together, Akamas and Demophoon. They each had their own nurse-maids to feed and clothe them and, will have until they reach man-hood. I would spend a few hours each day with my sons, teaching them about their illustrious grandfather and heritage. I felt it was important for me to tell them of their Kretan bloodline because their tutors would not. And I am glad I did.
The subsequent years together, though not blissful, were happy ones.
Then I saw him.
Before I get to that, I begin to wonder at the wisdom of young girls marrying much older men. The age difference can be as wide as the sea. I know it’s not my place to question tradition and the Athenian women, along with all females in Hellas, do as they are told. Goodness, I did marry Theseus out of duty. It must be my Kretan blood that makes me think adversely. Perhaps there is a little of mother inside of me after all.
(Mistress has a sad smile on her face)
What did you just write? Let me look. O… no, you can leave it.
Anyway, life at court just got complicated… and much more interesting.
The Curse
What do you know about the Eleusinian mysteries? I had heard of them of course, but did not know what they are about. I am a Kretan and a devoted follower of Poseidon, however I knew about the goddesses Demeter and Persephone. All children are told the story about the wonderful bond between mother and daughter. I will not bore you with the legend of how Hades abducted Persephone and then tricked her into staying with him. You probably know it and, if you do not, it is worth having one of the great poets tell you. They have the talent to weave a compelling story, with complex plots and twists in the narrative. Not to mention the spiteful characters that add excitement to the telling.
There are ceremonies are held in Eleusis, where there is a temple honouring the goddesses. Now there are two mysteries: one is held every year and includes rites in cleansing; the second is held every four years, where men and women come together to participate in secret rituals. Only those who are involved know the mysteries. They cannot talk about what happens or what goes on. To speak of it is punishable by death.
What I am about to tell you is what I have seen. I have not participated in the mysteries and therefore do not know what happens when the people enter the temple.
The initiates must first cleanse themselves in the sea and in the two days following would make offerings and attend ceremonies. On the fourth day there is a procession from Athens where the initiates take the Sacred Way, head over Mount Aegaleos to arrive at Eleusis. They are led by the Herald, torch-bearer and, on arrival at the Temple of Demeter and Persephone all initiates enter. Here, they sing an ancient dirge to the goddesses. I believe the song was a plea to the goddesses to provide sustenance in living and guidance for the afterlife. Like I said earlier, this is all I know.
Now, you must be wondering why I am telling you all this? This was when I first saw him, Theseus’ son, Hippolytos. He had come to Athens to participate in the mysteries. You may recall when I first started telling my story I had met him when we went to Troezen. Before then, I had only seen him from a distance. It did not matter really. I knew there and then, Aphrodite had her little imp, Eros, strike me with the arrow of love.
His face and body would haunt me day and night. I yearned to feel his lips on mine, run my hands over his naked body, to be one with him. It was all I could, can think about.
Hippolytos, I had learned, was devoted to the goddess Artemis. He had pledged to dedicate his life to her and would remain chaste. I thought, if only that devotion and passion could be redirected, in all honesty, men do find the attentions of a woman difficult to resist. But I did not know it at the time just how dedicated he was to his goddess.
Though, nothing is absolute. I had to make him love me and only then could my lust be satisfied. I had commissioned a temple to Aphrodite to be built and it was constructed in the northwest corner, next to the akropolis. I could go to the temple every day and from this vantage point, stand and watch the palace at Troezen. In my mind’s eye, I would see Hippolytos exercise, his muscles rippling with every move and imagine his body moving against mine.
I kept silent about my passion for him. I knew it was wrong to lust after my husband’s son. I was after all, a married woman with a good husband, he treated me well and we had a decent life together. What more could I ask for?
(Mistress is shaking her head)
My nurse-maid called it a sickness but I do not see it that way. I had fallen in love. Simple as that. But as time went on it became unbearable. Unrequited love is a harsh companion and, despite my efforts to ignore my feelings, ignore him, I was cursed. I tried to immerse myself in daily tasks, like weaving and sewing. It was not enough to stop me thinking about him. I needed something more to occupy my mind but as I mentioned earlier, women did not participate in politics or make decisions. Not even pleasuring myself could ease the burning desire.
I thought about telling Theseus. Yes, I do realise saying anything about how I felt about his son was risky, even foolish perhaps. What options did I have? If I did, then I would be forever an immoral woman, a shell whose heart is torn and… well, I am sure you can work it out. It would not matter if I had not done anything, I would still be cast as a harlot, a woman of disrepute and discarded.
I was doomed either way.
The gods may gift us with wonderful things but they have woven a cruel twist in my life. Why is that you may ask? They have given me something I cannot ever have. Our gods are fickle and I guess that makes them flawed, which we as humans, can understand. That is why we honour them. Yet their immortality, their power can influence everything we do. We do not question these things; it is not our place to do so. That would be improper.
So why do I feel as if my life is not really mine to live?
The Proposal
For every illness there is a cure. There really was only one remedy for my ailment.
Theseus had to go to Troezen and I went with him. It was rumoured Theseus had to flee from Athens because the Delphic Oracle said he must be cleansed of his actions for killing kinsmen. I can tell you that is not true. The region of Troezen, even with its own king, falls under the province of Athens, hence Theseus’ rule. He had matters of business to address with the old king and his son. Also he wanted to visit his mother’s family.
Our children remained in Athens, Theseus felt the trip was too far for two little boys and, he did not know how long we would stay. You see, we could have travelled by land but it was easier to go by sea. We first stopped at Salamis, then to Aegina before crossing the Saronic Gulf. The people were overjoyed by Theseus’ visit and made us very welcome. We sailed between the isles of Methana and Poros and finally landed at Pogon, the harbour of Troezen.
At first it was easy to keep myself occupied. The last time I had been to Troezen, it was a short visit and did not get to see much of the place. I spent those first few months or so travelling around the region with my nurse-maid, a few attendants and a retinue of Theseus’ warriors. Along the road to Methana, there are hot sprin
gs and, according to the local inhabitants, these are very good for the body. On arrival there was an awful smell, like rotten eggs, but after a little while I got used to it; once in the water it was like having a hot bath. It was both luxurious and sensual. The warm spring caressed and stroked my body with tenderness; it was like being in a lover’s embrace, enjoyable and satiating. For a while, I could forget all my troubles and sooth my soul.
Another time we travelled to Hermionis. I wanted to visit the island of Hydrea for this is where the dreaded five headed serpent had come from but no one would take me across the gulf. Instead, I was taken to olive groves, barley fields and a small shrine dedicated to Demeter and Kore. Needless to say, I spent a great deal of time away from the court of Troezen, but eventually it had to stop. Not that I ran out of places to see; Theseus simply did not want me to travel too much further afield. He was concerned that brigands and thieves might kidnap me.
While in the palace, I did my best to ignore Hippolytos, pretending I did not like him and found ways to avoid being in the same place. But it was so hard. There were not enough areas in the palace for me to hide or find refuge. The gardens provided some solitude where I could let myself weep and wallow in self-pity. I tell you, my heart ached so much, it felt like it would shatter. Have you ever felt love like this? Then you would understand. I did not feel whole, more like a shell of who I used to be. All I wanted was for him to love me in return.
My faithful nurse-maid began to despair. She could not bear seeing me in such a terrible state and thought it best to find a way to resolve my affliction. I did not know what she had planned until it happened. If I had known, I would have stopped her, but her motherly instinct got the better of her for her actions only meant to help me but made matters even worse. What happened next could be likened to the tragedy that had befallen King Agamemnon, when he returned home from the war with the Trojans. Another wonderful story you should hear about, if you do not know it.
Apologies, I do digress. It helps me think more clearly especially now as I do not have much more time left. You know, I did think about hanging myself but then I changed my mind. Poisoning is much more civilised, do you not agree? Anyway, let us continue.
My dear nurse, here, did something rather rash, though I was hoping it would work. Of course, I could not tell her that! Though, I did react rather badly when she later told me, hence my decision.
In her wisdom my misguided nurse informed Hippolytos of my feelings for him and made the suggestion that he should quell my lust. You could be forgiven for thinking that she asked him to battle a fiendish monster from the way he reacted. He went on and on about how women are the scourge of the earth; how they manipulate good men with their sexuality and turn them into snivelling little boys who want to suckle at their breasts; that all women were dishonest and disreputable, just like the hetairari; that he was disgusted by my treachery and ignoble behaviour especially as I was married to his father; and lastly, which really stung, he felt defiled by the request. He then declared he would not stay under the same roof and left.
O the humiliation. What was I to do? He would tell his father as soon as he returned from court.
My nurse told me, Hippolytos agreed not tell Theseus, though it did not appease how I felt. He had rejected me! And with such hatred! I could not live with that but nor would I allow him to forget me.
I left a note for Theseus. Shall I read it to you?
‘Dear Husband,
In your absence, Hippolytos behaved in a manner unseemly towards me and regrettably, I was not strong enough to fend him off. What I have done was the only way to stop his advances and remain faithful to you.
Please do not tell our sons the truth of my death, only that I had become unwell.
Faithfully yours
Phaedra’
Now, I must say goodbye to you, my reader. Please do not shed tears for I do not deserve them.
If you do happen to share my story, tell people I do not begrudge the Goddess of Love for cursing me, for I know what it means to feel love for another. She has given me a gift and now I can die without remorse.
END
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About the author:
Luciana Cavallaro was born in Pinjarra, Western Australia and moved to Perth to study at university. She taught in government and private schools and during this time studied Ancient History, attended writer’s workshops and concluded a course in proof reading and editing. She has travelled extensively and has revisited her favourite destinations—Greece and Italy— the inspiration for her stories. After working in high schools for a while she resigned to concentrate on writing.
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Dear Reader,
Thank you.
Luciana
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO READ MORE BY LUCIANA CAVALLARO
The Curse of Troy
A Goddess’ Curse
Boxed in a Curse
Accursed Women
Search for the Golden Serpent
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