To our dearest beloved fellow director Sigmund Isadorable Schultz from his two old pals back at the office, and with all fervent wishes that his balls will soon be ringing again.
Binky and Basil
Tears streaming down Schultz’s face. Holy shit. What kind of guys are they. I could open up a fancy retail grocery. Heap fucking ignominy all over you and then drown me in presents. And now suddenly lying in a lonely room in front of everybody I can’t control my fucking sobbing tears when out of nowhere someone has been after all these fucking days of horror, nice to me.
Kindness
Is the worst
Cruelty
When it breaks
Your heart
And
Holy jesus
And I might even
Have to be
Nice right back
7
Big Ben tolling seven. Sound of a train whistle. Everybody rushing for the stations. London has gone home. All except those ticket holders who are getting a cut price meal with two tickets to Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot. The most electrodynamic show in town. Ought to put that word in the classified ads. And jesus so much to do. And all that’s happened is it’s all being done to me. Just as my black eyes are fading back to normal and my ankle allows me to hobble further, I guillotine my gonads. Then have a breakdown. For five seconds. Long enough for tears to come out of my eyes in front of everyone before I could stop them. Emotions wreck all rules, principles and regulations. And seriously undermine revenge. Christ news like that gets around to fuckers like Joe Jewels, and he’ll think he’ll be able to pull an even worse deal on me. Jesus this isn’t so fucking bad just lying here like this nearly the dead centre of London. At least the ceiling hasn’t fallen down on me. Yet. Push a button for a nurse if I need one. Amazing how these uniforms make even the plainest nurse look invitingly nice. That’s how Al once from a previous brink of death got brought back to health by a dedicated nurse giving him midnight blow jobs in the hospital. The surest and most beautiful way to recover from anything. Maybe that’s how he regained the strength to fly to LA. Jesus I got to ask if my testicles still work and request the same therapy. Wow, even now wishful thinking has got me somewhere. Here’s a nurse already.
‘Are you quite comfortable Mr Schultz. Can I get you anything.’ ‘Nurse I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’m just trying to decide which of these delicacies I’m going to eat.’
‘Well do let me know if I can be of help.’
‘Sure. Thanks.’
With the bulge at my crotch I’m going to need help not to look like a potential rapist. But with my balls the way they are I couldn’t fuck a flea. I can’t go nowhere now without wearing Jorricks’s raincoat. Or Arab robes when I have to receive the Royal Family at the theatre. Then have some Zionist trying to kill me. Now how much longer is this going to add to my fucking celibacy no more of which I can stand. Beautiful, the roses. But jesus in this box these are just ordinary strawberries. It’s the wrong time of the year for fraises des bois. But I know exactly who I should get over to have them with some champagne. And she will never believe this in one million years.
Schultz dialling on the phone. Waiting through the rings. Jesus keep ringing. Christ Louella. Don’t have gone to California. Not while at least the road’s been cleared of Al. Be there I’m begging you, pick up and answer the fucking phone.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello, it’s me Louella.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Jesus I beg of you don’t hang up. Please.’
‘Why shouldn’t I. I don’t want you calling me anymore.’
‘Hey come on honey. Al’s now six thousand fucking miles away. And you need someone to take care of you. O christ if you knew how much I just want to cup the palm of my right hand around the left cheek of your ass. When are you going to believe me. For Christ’s sake, honey I love you.’
‘If you loved me as you profess to do, you’d leave me alone as I ask.’
‘Why honey. Why.’
‘Because if Al ever found out we were still seeing each other it would devastate him. And it’s why I’m now begging you, never please, never come back again.’
‘Honey relax, at the moment I can’t go nowhere.’
‘Why.’
‘Because honey. You won’t believe this. But I’m in the hospital.’ ‘Are you. Why.’
‘Hey honey, it’s a story that’s highly personal and I don’t want to talk about it right now. But you won’t believe this. I’m in Al’s same hospital room. Hey honey. You still there. O shit don’t hang up.’ Schultz dialling again. Ringing and ringing. Maybe she’s gone to have a bath. All girls go to have baths. Loll around in the tub. Lathering all over their tits. As if they weren’t clean enough. Jesus if only she’d let me foam up the soap all over her I’d die happy. Jesus that’s thirty rings I’ve counted. She must be in the bath. Christ. She’s answering. There’s human breathing on the other end of this line.
‘Honey please don’t hang up. Just listen a second. OK I was seriously kidding.’
‘Well I think that’s a very sick joke.’
‘OK honey. Yeah it is. But look I’m going to give you a telephone number and you ring it. Because honey, it’s no shit. I had an accident and I’m in the hospital.’
‘Are you really there then. In the hospital.’
‘Yeah. A car hit me. I’m OK. Just kind of bruises and fractures.’ ‘Your voice sounds normal.’
‘Well yeah it is. But there’s a suspected skull fracture. Couple of cracks in the pelvis. With my sprained ankle I couldn’t jump out of the way.’
‘I don’t know whether to believe you or not. And I don’t think I do.’
‘Honey the best way to believe me is come witness. Come and visit me.’
‘No I can’t.’
‘Why.’
‘Because I’m waiting for a phone call from California. Al’s operation was last night.’
‘Then what is this honey. It’s contra fucking diction is what it is. I only got off the operating table a few hours ago.’
‘I’ve told you please don’t go on with that sickening joke.’
‘Jesus honey I don’t understand all this. OK I could understand why you stay with Al. There’s no denying he gave you everything while the rest of us were struggling. But honey I got a proven hit now. The show has paid back its whole investment. I mean I’m sitting perched on top of a financial miracle. And these days that’s a miracle. His Lordship and I are throwing the biggest show biz party this town has ever seen. Right on stage in the theatre. I receive the Queen next week. I don’t want to sound crassly materialistic but the sky’s the limit. The Riviera, Paris, Palm Springs, you name it. Not only my, well I won’t mention it, but my limousine’s bigger than Al’s got or ever had. Plus now I’m not joking I am an accident victim.’
‘You’re showing off. And stop saying you’re an accident victim if it isn’t true. I’ve already told you. You think those things mean something to me don’t you. Well they don’t. They mean nothing whatever. Like they do to Al’s wives present and previous. Those vultures. Al means something to me. His kindness and thoughtfulness. And that’s why I’m here. He’s been a father, a good father to me. And you certainly don’t sound like you’re an accident victim.’
‘OK honey. OK I heard. You don’t have to tell me. I know he’s over twice your age. And OK honey you want to be loved by a father. I’m beginning to believe you. So who needs this continued suffering frustration. I got to take an injection now for some pain. Anyway thanks for the conversation. My accident made me have to cancel a haircut and chiropodist’s appointment plus a publicity interview. A whole film crew and interviewer was going to be at the Dorchester later. I guess that’s the only kind of attention I’m ever going to get in life. Let’s just say goodbye. And you got my vow. Right now. Never to come back and see you later.’
‘Excuse me there’s the other phone. I must answer it. You’ll wait a moment won’t you.
’
‘Sure go answer it, honey. Hey instead just ring back while I get my injection.’
‘Stop pretending or else I won’t speak to you again.’
‘OK honey. You got my word. No more pretending.’
Schultz hanging up. Two cold pigeons landing on the window sill. They must be hungry in this weather and looking in through at all this food in this room. If my fucking balls would let me I’d give them a few strawberries. I got to go move to the country. I could have gardeners like his Lordship’s growing things. And enjoy nature. And the wild creatures that are in the meadows instead of the ones singing and dancing on stage. Holy shit, a knock on the door. Right while I’m testing to see if my prick can still get a hard on.
‘May I come in.’
‘Hi Matron.’
‘How are you feeling Mr Schultz.’
‘Little weak but OK.’
‘We had to cut away more skin than we anticipated but Mr Kahn did a wonderful job of sewing.’
‘Jesus Matron I guess I don’t really feel that good.’
‘Well Mr Schultz you’ve had a bit of a trauma. But dear me. We are rather being treated well aren’t we. Mr Duke certainly had his admirers and flowers, but I’ve never seen so many beautiful roses.’
‘Yeah. A few people back at my office sent a few over. And Matron. Hey thanks. For coming to see me. Jesus come in. Come in. Close the door. Come and sit down. It’s good to see you like this.’
‘Good to see you too, Mr Schultz. Following our first little contretemps.’
‘Hey look. I really am sorry how I behaved the other day.’
‘O not to worry, Mr Schultz. It was entirely understandable.’ ‘Matron. I really do have a favour to ask you now.’
‘What is that and I’ll see if I can oblige.’
‘Please. I really mean it. Come and have dinner with me. We’ll have it in Paris. Will you please. Jesus don’t laugh. I’m serious.’
‘I’m sorry. I’m not usually asked to go out by someone just recovering from the operating table. Especially by someone who has previously threatened to sue the hospital. And then asks me to go all the way to Paris. And how do you know I’m not married. And have a husband and children to take care of.’
‘I don’t know if you’re not married but how could you take care of anyone if you’re taking care of this whole massive hospital. But don’t worry I’m not going to sue. And you’d like it there. In Paris.’
‘I know I would Mr Schultz. But you’re in no condition to go suddenly off to Paris.’
‘O jesus Matron I’d adore to be there right now in some side street cafe over a glass of Alsatian beer. But I’m going to be up, two fisted into the battle once again in a second.’
‘No. No. Now Mr Schultz. Lie back.’
‘Hey how long do I have to be like this. I got to fly to New York in a day or two too.’
‘No. Mr Schultz. Too soon. For you to fly anywhere. We will need you here at least another day.’
‘Jesus Matron. You’ve got nice nostrils. And an exquisite nose. Where did you get those grey eyes. I could look into them forever.’ ‘My, Mr Schultz I am flattered but I must also ask is this how young ladies are led to the casting couch.’
‘Jesus Matron you do me a disservice you really do. You’re a fucking beautiful woman to me. Jeez sorry about the language. It’s kind of show biz vernacular you get in the habit of.’
‘I certainly don’t mind Mr Schultz being called fucking beautiful. In fact it’s rather fucking beautiful to hear it said.’
‘Holy shit Matron. Holy shit. Jesus. Hey come here. Come closer. Come on. Let me kiss you. Please.’
‘I can’t Mr Schultz. I’d quite like to kiss you. But I’ve got to set an example for every nurse in this hospital. And I hardly think kissing patients is the behaviour to be exemplified. But provided you keep your hands under the cover I will give you just a little peck on the cheek. There. And I’ll be back to see you, I must go now.’
‘Hey jesus don’t go. You’re the loveliest thing that’s happened to me in years.’
‘Dear me. Mr Schultz. Dear me. I hardly think that I am. But thank you. And now I really do have to go.’
‘Matron. Is it a date. Dinner.’
‘All right. It’s a date. It will have to be a Tuesday.’
‘You got it Matron. A Tuesday. Here have this nice red rose. No have two.’
‘Thank you.’
‘To remember me by.’
‘Be assured Mr Schultz I’ll remember you.’
Schultz staring at the ceiling. A small cobweb on the green shaded light fitting. Christ a spider is up there in a web. Must be hungry too for a summer fly. The two windows rattling in a gust of wind. They open out into the darkness across a panorama of adjacent slate roof tops where the hospital lights now glisten. Jesus the poor pigeons are still there. This is like being isolated at the end of the world. Who’ll ever believe this. Because I don’t believe it. In fucking Al’s death bed. I must be on the same god damn mattress. Off which the fucker has miraculously risen. As if to spite me and prolong my agony. As if someone is designing my fucking life to be a parody of his. Jesus it’s twenty minutes, it’s time to ring her back on this phone.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello.’
‘Louella. It’s me.’
‘I know who it is.’
‘Well I just thought I’d call you back. And I know I said it’s no more pretending. Are you listening.’
‘Yes I’m listening.’
‘Well listen. Don’t you believe I’m in Al’s bed in the hospital.’
‘You are a ghoul. Goodbye.’
Schultz holding the phone away from his ear. Holy shit my fucking ear. She slammed the phone down so hard it must have sent splinters all over tax dodgers’ towers. Nearly deafened me. Now what do I do. Tell her again I’m kidding. And wear out my finger dialling once more.
‘Hello. It’s me. I apologize. Look please for Christ’s sake just don’t hang up for a second.’
‘I’m in no mood to play games with you. Al is again in critical condition. I’ve just spoken to California. He’s had a serious relapse after his operation.’
‘O jeez honey. Sorry to hear that.’
‘You are not sorry.’
‘I am honey. How many times do I have to tell you I love Al. So please tell me what’s happened to him now.’
‘They operated all through the night. And now complications have set in.’
‘Honey Al’s tough, he’s going to be up at bat again, don’t worry.’ ‘And now I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re all bandaged up.’ ‘No honey. No. Fine. I’m fine. Sorry about the sick joke about the hospital. I was just desperate for your sympathy. Really I’m just sitting home here in front of my own fire watching a little television in the library. I mean there’s a hole in the rug and floor from my fire you must have read about in the papers but it makes a nice cooling draught up from the kitchen. Jorricks has just made me dinner on a tray. With fish we got over at your nearby fish shop. Lemon sole and a spot of nice old chablis. Got my polka dot dressing gown on. I guess the whole world is my oyster. Which I am also having a few of. I’d ask you over only I know you don’t want to come.’
‘I’ll come.’
‘Holy shit. What.’
‘Yes I’ll come.’
‘Hey wait honey. Jesus wait a second. You’ve got me in a fucking dilemma.’
‘Why.’
‘O shit. Jesus. I fucking well am at the hospital. And I am in Al’s bed.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Don’t hang up. Don’t honey.’
Holy jeez she hung up. So much for truth. Never again will I tell it to any female and maybe even to anybody. I’ll press the button and ring back that nurse. And tell her a whole fucking pack of endless fucking god damn lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. To everybody from here fucking well all the way into the hereafter. Jeez in the middle of that outburst I got a hard on and it hurts like agony. Christ
if they hear me in here like this they could take me next in a straight jacket to the fucking looney bin. Where I may be headed anyway. If I go up any more emotional blind fucking alleys. Fucking women are designed to do exactly what you can’t predict. I tell her I’m in the hospital and she blows a gasket. Tell her I’m home where I ain’t and she says she’ll hurry right over. Tell her where I really am and she slams the phone down. Matron. Matron. I need you. I really do. You could run my life without ruining it. Efficiently and officially the way you do this hospital. Once I recover from all this. Then there are really going to be changes. You could be the first woman I’ve ever met who isn’t insanely obsessed by herself. Who isn’t always on her way to powder her nose, paint her toenails orange, have a hairdo, or have a facial looking like they’ve been out baked in the desert, or take a steaming hot perfumed bubble bursting bath for an hour and a half. Holy mackerel. And in between they ask a tiny sentence how are you. And if you say more than six words their minds go blank till they can get back talking about themselves again. Then if you fuck them. They go straight to sleep and don’t want to move or get you a glass of water like they’re in a coma. Jesus. I used to love and worship women. Maybe it’s because I don’t have enough of them at my mercy anymore. Where you can listen to their bullshit for half an hour, get a fuck, leave them sleeping and then change to jump on another one. Like the nightmare at number four
Arabesque Street of three at once, one on each floor of the house. Or was it two at once while one was locked in the cellar. Too complicated to remember. Plus I remember two of the girls I was trying to fuck at once started to fuck each other and left me out. With my prick sticking like a sore lonesome thumb pointing in their entwined heavy breathing direction. Nurse. Nurse. Come quickly. I need to open the fucking champagne. Also I need to ring the box office and find out how the standing room is doing tonight.