‘You fucking well do Binky. The first free second I get I’m flying to New York.’
‘Ah I say do tell.’
‘Yeah you say and I do fucking well tell.’
‘You know Schultz before this great raging hit of ours dawned, one did tend to see you more in the light of being somewhat of a hanger on. But I dare say times have appreciably changed. And now here you are brash, boastful and full of profitable smash hit business intentions. Which is not to suggest you are not still possessed of a naive charm.’
‘You better bet the fuck that things have changed. The only time I’ve had to be a hanger on is to my self preservation with you guys around. But right now I’m going to auction the American rights to this show for the biggest price ever paid in history. Joe Jewels who nearly could have had this show for practically nothing if he paid my price a while ago, is now with his tongue hanging out.’
‘O dear, we’re all going to be unconscionably richer. O well, we’ll face it with fortitude and courage. Buy bullion. Open up new Swiss bank accounts if necessary. But O dear, whatever shall we do when all the vaults are stuffed and crammed. Doesn’t bear thinking about does it Schultz. With these Swiss chappies telling us no room is left at the bank and to please take our money and stuff it elsewhere.’
‘You son of a bitch. You think this is all so fucking funny now, don’t you. You sold us out twice. I heard what happened with Gayboy.’ ‘Ah Schultz. Yes. All true. I sold and resold my part of the show making a not immodest profit, in the background, as it were. And upon my final repurchase at a considerable doubled discount, ah let me see. Yes I do own a very substantial holding. And on, as it appears now, a very minimum investment.’
‘And you were the first to try to close the show down, weren’t you.’ ‘Yes I was Schultz. Yes I was. Awful of me wasn’t it. Ah but before you jump on the plane to New York Schultz and speaking of occupying the two rooms you intend commandeering and kicking out my in house intellectuals with whom I enjoy to chat, there is just a little item here under production salaries that has perplexed me for some weeks.’ ‘Yeah. What.’
‘Ah one particular, and very adequate little salary, I must say. Yes it says here in the smaller print. Directorial assistant, following which there appears a name a Mr Jorricks. I do believe that name rings a bell. Doesn’t someone of that appellation work for you, Schultz.’
‘Yes they do.’
‘But surely not as your personal butler in your private household, Schultz.’
‘What is this. Am I being investigated.’
‘Not in the very least Schultz. Just drawing attention to a tiny coincidence that’s all. Butlers you know, don’t come cheap these days. If indeed they come at all.’
‘Come on Binky cut out the shit will you. Since when is this salary going to hurt out of dozens and dozens of salaries. Plus he’s also my chauffeur.’
‘Ah Schultz. Yes. Persnickety is how I believe you put it to his Lordship. Ah I shall not be that. No not this morning. It is simply too nice to see you. How are you. Leeches you know are very good for black eyes. And dear me. There seems I hear, an indecent amount of cocksucking going on backstage. And O yes. And by the way, there was what seemed like an urgent phone call for you. Just a few minutes ago.’
‘Who. That’s why I rushed in here early. I’m waiting for one. I knew those fuckers in New York would blow their cool. All up at seven in the morning to be first to get in their bids.’
‘Well Rebecca said it sounded like a name Rubella, Louella or maybe even Vyella or something akin. Left a number I do believe. Ah now, top of all these contracts, here we are. Have it right here. And I will put it to my intellectual Oxbridge team to see what they suggest might be helpful in stamping out these childish practices backstage among the cast.’
‘Jesus give me that fucking telephone number.
‘Good god Schultz, please don’t grab and snatch. One likes to keep a semblance of an air of calm and relaxed behaviour about, especially at this early hour of the day.’
‘This could be my life’s blood on this paper. With every numeral adding up to the sum of my destiny.
‘Ah. Perchance it is then a call to do with the sale of the rights behind the Iron Curtain. I hear the Russians if not the Czechs are mad keen to get our little saucy musical to lighten up the lives of party notables.’ ‘Cut out the foolishness, Binky. I’m talking about my emotional future. Hey his Lordship’s not around is he.
‘Ah you’d like to use his private line Schultz.’
‘I got to I’m being followed. My telephone tapped. Come on don’t kid with that tone of voice Binky. Is he in yet.’
‘No he’s not Schultz.’
Schultz turning, staring at the slip of paper as he moves towards the door, tripping over a curled up edge of the rug and crashing hands outstretched onto the floor. Binky pushing the button on his intercom.
‘Rebecca, will you come in here please. I do believe we’ve had a little accident. Bring the first aid kit. Don’t open up the door too quickly as Mr Schultz I think is slightly unconscious, just inside. He does as you know tend to rush headlong into things.
‘I am like fucking hell unconscious. Holy jeez, the dust down here.
I could sue for negligence, over this carpet, it’s been like this for weeks.’ Schultz struggling to his feet. Digging in a pocket for a handkerchief as he puts a hand to a wall for support in a paroxysm of sneezing.
‘Gesundheit Schultz. And you should have known to step over that little bump. You realize, don’t you that we must keep that there as it is, in order that we can test the reflexes of those we audition. As you know one might be misled by those who read word perfect, particularly with the attractively large bosomed ladies who have been barging in here in a bevy recently. But when they trip over the carpet going out we know not to hire them. Especially if their heads hit the floor before their cushioning hands or bosoms do. As indeed your noggin just did.
‘I’m not only going to get my own suite of offices separate from you guys. But I’m also going to get my own building. My own theatre. No let me correct that. My own theatres. And my own dozen private telephone lines. And tell you guys to go fuck yourselves once and for all time.’
‘Dear me we are being purposeful this morning. But have you Schultz given thought to how you might miss us. Think of what we’ve all been through here together.’
‘What I’ve been through here you mean. And the joint I set up is going to have an army keeping guys like you away from me.’
‘And ah so marvellous to hear this plan Schultz. May we take it then that you’ll be getting your own telephone bill which you will pay all by yourself. That’s it Schultz steady as you go now. Brush yourself off. Straighten your tie.’
‘I ain’t got no tie.’
‘O of course. You’re adopting that new, and I must say unpleasantly smooth, devil may care style of show business dress. O dear, well at least it lets one know at a glance and a little distance who the very deepest and most indelible arse holes are.’
‘Jesus you know Binky something awful is going to happen to you one day and maybe I might be just around to gloat for a change. And then I’ll be laughing when you finally fall fucking flat on your face.’ Rebecca opening the door. A first aid kit in one hand and carnation buttonholes in the other. Her stunning pocket Venus like figure under her loose brown sweater, her string of pearls and her brown tweed skirt. Schultz squeezing past. Taking in a whiff of perfume.
‘O Mr Schultz are you all right.’
‘Swell honey, swell. Hey what was the name that came with this number.’
‘Louella. That’s all she would say. Said you’d know who it was. She sounded a little upset Mr Schultz, wouldn’t leave a message but said it was absolutely imperative you call as soon as possible.’
‘Thank you honey. Thanks.’
‘Would you like a buttonhole.’
‘Hey jesus, yeah I would. Thanks.’
‘Just a moment, put these down.
’
Binky standing behind his desk, elevating himself up and down on his toes. Rebecca pushing through the stem of carnation in Schultz’s buttonhole.
‘Hey jesus, honey. Hey that’s nice. Hey that’s wonderful. Makes me feel like dancing suddenly. Or something. Here a little kiss for you on the cheek. Jesus why does a marvellous creature like you have to work for such a guy. I mean he doesn’t deserve it.’
‘I think you’re quite right Schultz I most certainly don’t deserve
Rebecca.’
Schultz making his way hurriedly down the hall. Turning left into the small shadowy room of his Lordship’s office. Schultz standing dialling the number. His finger sticking in the hole as he winds the dial back.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello, jesus Louella. It’s me. Sigmund.’
‘Yes of course I recognize your voice.’
‘Hey where are you.’
‘I’m at a girlfriend’s house. I’m sorry to leave such a message for you. But I’m afraid something awful has happened.’
‘What honey, what. Come on. Hey what is it. Jesus don’t cry, tell me.’
‘Al has had a heart attack.’
‘Holy jeez. When.’
‘It happened Saturday night during the snowstorm. He fell to the floor. He’s at the Celestial Pavilion Hospital, their private clinic. They don’t think he will live.’
‘O hey honey, jesus. Now calm down. I mean was he unconscious.’ ‘I don’t know. He just lay on the floor turning blue, and I called an ambulance.’
‘Honey stay right where you are. What’s the address. I’m coming to see you.’
‘O no no no, please I beg of you don’t.’
‘I got to for Christ’s sake. To see if you’re all right.’
‘I’m all right but I thought you might go and see Al and find out how he really is.’
‘See how he is. Honey you’re calling me up to ask me to do that. Are you crazy, honey. The sight of me could kill him for sure.’
‘Please. You and he were nearly life long friends. I can’t go to the hospital myself. With all his wives, lawyers and everyone there.’
‘Jesus honey we’re sworn mortal enemies. But if that’s what you want me to do, I’ll go and do it. But he’s in the best place getting the best care. You’re the one now who needs the attention.’
‘I’m so worried. The phone never stopped ringing at Al’s. And I don’t know what to say to anyone. And I’ve got to go back there now. But I have, all these weeks and months been trying to get Al to be friends with you again.’
‘Jesus honey, you’re wasting your time. How could we be friends both wanting you. Al hates me with a vengeance. I tried calling him twice, and each time it’s like a spitting cobra on the other end of the line. Plus for Christ’s sake I’m making him and the other investors rich. Even the profit he’s getting out of me gives him resentment.’
‘Well that’s exactly what I’m saying. Even with his resentment he admits that you’re a show business genius.’
‘He said that. Jesus no wonder he got a heart attack.’
‘Please don’t try to be funny.’
‘I’m not. I’m not honey. Believe me. And also believe me, nobody in show business is a genius. OK. You got a deal. I go see Al and of course I’m telling you, even if they let me see him, I can predict he’ll blow the gaskets out of another two fucking ventricles. But I’ll do it. But then you agree I come and see you. Come on. I love you for fuck’s sake. Is it a deal.’
‘All right. But ring me first. To make sure I’m there.’
‘No problem. And I’m gone this second to the hospital. Take care honey till I see you.’
Schultz slamming down the phone. Smashing the cradle and sending plastic flying with the concussion. Jumping into the air, clicking his heels and falling over backwards on his arse on the floor.
‘Holy jeez I broke his Lordship’s phone. I’m so seriously desperately horny, I can’t control my explosive energy. And now I bust my fucking backside in joy. Even the grime on his Lordship’s windows looks good. But hot diggety dog. My day if not my whole fucking entire life is made. That creep Al has at last got his just desserts. Jesus I’m sure he gave himself a heart attack trying to get an erection.’
‘Mr Schultz, is everything all right in there.’
‘Yeah Rebecca. No problem. Except somebody like me must have busted his Lordship’s phone. Which I just did. For all time. But don’t tell his Lordship it was me.’
‘O dear. I’ll call the company right away. I think Binky would like to have a word with you.’
‘And honey would you do me a fast favour and call Jorricks in my car to come back.’
‘Of course Mr Schultz.’
Mario, in his white coat, a menu tucked under his arm, leaving Binky’s office and smilingly holding open the door for Schultz. Binky with his feet propped on the desk and puffing a long fat Havana cigar. The snow brightened sunlight streaming in the windows behind his head. His long blond locks of hair gleaming.
‘Jesus Binky one thing always fucking well amazes me why you just didn’t go and become a movie star. You’ve got such fucking matinee idol looks. Then you could have left me alone to produce shows in peace. I’m going to suggest your name around Hollywood when I’m there.’
‘So kind of you to say that Schultz. But dear me something in my soul always screws up on my face at the merest attempt of mine to act. But my dear, you have suddenly cheered up. No frown. No scowl. Even your black eyes seem to have brightened up a bit. And one of our buttonholes does add just that little pleasant touch of piquancy to your appearance. But ah. I trust it was all good news. You seem like the Cheshire cat smiling inwardly ear to ear over some outwardly brimming bowl of cream.’
‘Yeah I’m smiling. But what the fuck are you smiling so much about.’
‘That name Louella, mentioned. Now let me see. Doesn’t that remind of something. Ah yes. It’s all coming back to me. Al Duke’s little lady if I’m not mistaken. Al as you know was always one of our very most helpful visitors ever to come to this office. And with so many midgets, impersonators, contortionists and impostors about I always found his appearance particularly agreeable.’
‘Now Binky, stop. Don’t go on with one of your little suspense games I know by the look on your face you got up your sleeve and are about to spring.’
‘No suspense Schultz. I do at times find it refreshing to see you in another perspective, especially when you’re not wearing that brilliant business cap of yours. And ah yes, I do now recall. It was on the very eve of your triumph that you were crouching stark naked in the garage alley of the aptly referred to tax dodgers’ towers, your clothes fluttering down twenty two or was it twenty three floors from above, shoe by shoe, button by button, following the incident of your being confronted in flagrante delicto with a certain lady of that pretty name just previously mentioned. And dear me. Yes. You crept half dressed across Hyde Park. And what early morn park pedestrian would have thought seeing you shuffling in your deshabille over that large parade ground that you were in fact at that very moment the most celebrated producer in all of London’s West End with its biggest ever hit. Tell me, did that considerable contrast occur to you.’
‘Are you finished. Now let me tell you. Al Duke is at this moment dying of a heart attack not more than a few hundred yards from here.’ ‘O dear, O dear me. That has quite ruined my thought of lunch I’ve just ordered from Mario. Pray tell. Poor old Al. We must immediately attend upon him with suitable flowers and nourishing little groceries from one of London’s better emporiums. But I hope Schultz such news isn’t why you seem so pleased.’
‘OK I’m not crying. He tried to kill me. But christ he was my closest most intimate friend.’
‘Ah till you I believe were intimate with his little lady.’
‘Come on Binky. Give me a break.’
‘But Schultz, you did didn’t you in fact try or in fact have, according to certain rumours, considerable ca
rnal knowledge of and other divers diversions with the lady.’
‘It was an unpremeditated one single fucking night stand. We didn’t know it was going to happen. Two people. There suddenly in the same room. Happy in each other’s companionship. It took us both by surprise. I may have fucked in lust but I fell in love first. Hey why should I explain to you for Christ’s sake. I’m leaving. Goodbye. And if it’s any consolation to you Jorricks helps out as my chauffeur occasionally too. Plus more news for you. I’m auctioning the songs and music to the show on a step by step, territory by territory deal around the globe.’
‘O dear Schultz, I believe I may have already sold more than a few of those rights.’
‘You what.’
‘For, if I do say so myself, some not immodest little prices.’
‘You did this behind my fucking back.’
‘I find it the best place to do things Schultz. People get so upset just as you’re doing now when you do it in front of their faces.’
‘My fucking signature of approval is required on any contract. I’ll get even for this.’
‘Goodbye Schultz. I’m sure you will. And Schultz perhaps we ought to put it up in lights. A big sign. For the whole world to see.’
Schultz
Is coming again
This time as an
Even greater
Orgasm
3
‘OK Jorricks let’s hit the road. Celestial Pavilion Hospital.’ In this narrow shadowy street Schultz’s limousine skidding out from the kerb through the mounds of snow heaping the gutter. Turning left into Piccadilly. Ploughs ramming into the drifts to clear the roadway. Traffic crawling as the limousine turns to proceed slowly down Duke Street St James past Fortnum and Mason’s windows illuminated full of ladies’ fashions and gleaming displays of china.
‘You are all right Mr Schultz. There’s nothing wrong I hope.’
‘No. Just visiting a sick friend.’
‘Fortnum’s order came this morning sir, shall I expect you for dinner.’
‘No don’t expect me. I got to stay loose. A few things have turned up unexpectedly.’