“Nah. You look like the cutest raccoon I’ve ever seen.” I watch as he lifts his hand and slowly brings it to caress my cheek. Closing my eyes, I get lost in the sensation of his warm palm against my skin, and his light touch makes my body tingle. When I gaze at him again, his eyes are hooded with want, and he watches me while his thumb gently strokes my skin. I notice his breathing begins to accelerate as we continue eyeing each other. The loud background music has changed to hip-hop, but it’s the silence between us that makes me instantly aware of his hands on my body.
Sluggishly, I get off his lap and move to sit next to him. The distance between us provides me with a chance to clear my mind and slow down the crazy beating of my heart.
“So, basically, I’ve given up. I don’t want to ever try again, Arsen. It hurts to just think about it. I don’t know if it’s because th-the miscarriage is still too fresh in my memory. I really don’t know. I mean, try to put yourself in my shoes. Wishing, hoping, and praying for that one thing that you want and need the most to be finally yours just to have destiny, or life, or karma, or whatever the hell you want to call it, snatch it out of your hands over and over again. I can’t go through it again. I just can’t.”
His eyes pierce me.
“I know exactly how that feels. More than you know.” Letting his words hang in the air for a moment, I get the feeling that he’s trying to tell me something. “But listen to me, and listen carefully…I’ve been there. You know about Jessica.” He grips my thigh, “I’m not going to go into details, but there was a time when I wanted to give up on life. Shit went down that made me who I am and I can’t, I won’t, ever change that. Fuck, just thinking about it still hurts, but along the way to finding myself again, I discovered an innate truth.”
“Yes?” I whisper.
“Life without love, without chasing your dreams, is nothing. It means nothing. It’s a sad fucking empty shell, Catherine. It’s so easy to drown in darkness, to let it smother you, swallow you whole, to be blinded by it. But you gotta fight. You gotta fucking fight.”
“That’s so easy for you to say. I hate it when people tell me that things will get better…that one day it won’t hurt so much…to not give up and fight! Well, show me how. Show me a way to—”
“Stop. I don’t know what I’m doing either, Catherine.” He takes my hand in his. “Life is full of surprises and challenges at every turn, but I won’t let them stop me. I’m trying to improvise as I go. It’s the only way to survive. You need to look the fucking sick joke that is life straight in the eye and tell it to bring its fucking A game because you shouldn’t go down without a fight.” He kisses my hand and turns his tall frame towards me as he encases me with his body.
“I won’t let you give up. You gotta fight. So cry all you need, get drunk to forget, but don’t let the shittiness of life get to you. You’re better than that. And maybe you should speak to Ben. Open up to him.” The words are forced out of his mouth.
“No. I don’t want to speak to him. He always tells me the same thing. That it’ll be okay. That we’ll be okay, but it won’t be. It never is.”
“Dimples, I’m telling you pretty much the same fucking thing. And Ben is right. You need to let him help you. Together, the two of you could probably overcome all this fucking bullshit,” he says.“No. You’re not trying to reassure me with false promises.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him before he says anything else I don’t want to hear. “No, Arsen. Thank you, but leave it at that. I don’t want to talk about him, or the poor state that my marriage is in.”
The bar is getting busier by the hour. I’m wondering how long we’ve been here when I notice that we are still holding hands. I’m staring at them when I feel him move closer to me, leaning down to whisper in my ear, “He’s a good guy, Dimples. I’m sure he means well. And maybe you shouldn’t be here with me when you can be with him.”
Annoyed, I push his hand away. The truth can always be a damn bother. “Yes. But I don’t want to. I want to be here. If you want to leave, leave. I don’t care. I like you, Arsen, but I’m not going to take relationship advice from a man whore who can’t open up or settle down long enough with the same woman because he’s scared shitless. Sorry.”
He pins me with furious eyes as he crosses his arms. “You know what? Fuck you. I’m trying to help you. And FYI, I don’t give a fuck about your marriage and—”
“Yes. Go ahead! Say it! I dare you. Say that you don’t give a fuck about me. And why should you? I don’t even like myself.”
With angry tears beginning to burn my eyes, I stand up and leave him sitting there. This is not what I signed up for when I agreed to meet up with him behind Ben’s back. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but definitely not this.
Outside the bar, I walk towards the curb to try and catch a cab. When I lift my bare arm in the air, I remember too late that I left my jacket back in the coat check. Whatever. The cold air is a welcome relief as it cools down my heated skin.
When a yellow cab pulls in front of me, I’m about to get in, but Arsen’s voice stops me.
“Fuck. Cathy, wait!” He grabs my arm and spins me around until we’re staring at each other. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that we are attracting unwanted attention, but I don’t care.“Let go of me, you asshole!”
My anger takes him by surprise, making his hand go slack. I snatch my arm away and leave him standing there as I run blindly for a couple of streets before Arsen catches up to me. He grabs my hand forcefully, making me follow him to an empty alleyway that hides us from pedestrians as I start hitting him and yelling for him to let me go. One of his free hands tries to cover my mouth to stop me from screaming, but I don’t let him. I viciously bite him, feeling my teeth break through his skin. I can taste his blood. And it’s fucking sweet.
“Fuck you, Arsen. Leave me alone. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
“Would you please listen? FUCK! Stop it Catherine! Look at me! Calm down!”
Crying and defeated, I let him lower us to the dirty ground. As I sit on his lap, Arsen murmurs, desperation in his voice.“Shhhh...Cathy. You’ve got it wrong. You’ve got it all wrong. I care...I care a lot.” There’s hopelessness and yearning in his voice and in his hold of me.
When I lift my eyes and meet his, I finally understand everything. The song, the phone call, tonight…I get it. I do.
And I’m not sure if it’s the desperation and sadness I feel, the look of want in his eyes, or the attraction I’ve been fighting all along, but I decide that I don’t care anymore. I’m done with doing the right thing. It’s at this moment, when I feel Arsen’s hot breath on my face and his arms wrapped around me, that I decide to throw everything away. Ben, my marriage, my future.
I need to feel him inside me.
I need Arsen to burn me to ashes with the fire roaring inside his blue eyes.I need to kiss him.
So I do.
When our lips meet, it’s not a tender moment. It’s fierce.
Passionate.
Cannibalistic.
Teeth clashing.
Hair pulling.
Like this is the last kiss we will ever taste.
Arsen breaks away first. With his chest rising heavily, he stares at me with a desire so powerful that warmth gathers between my legs.
“Let’s get out of here,” he says as his hands settle on my shoulders, letting the tips of his thumbs caress my skin, brandishing me with his fingerprints.
Silent for a moment, I let myself drink in his beauty. The color of his eyes, his strong jaw, the golden stubble adorning his face, his full lips…
I’m not naïve. I’m aware that if I leave with him right now, we’re going to do more than just hold hands.
We are going to fuck.
If I leave with Arsen, I will be turning my back on my marriage and Ben once and for all. If I leave with this man with the blue inferno in his eyes, I will burn until there’s nothing left of me.
Once Arsen shuts the door behi
nd us, he immediately pushes me against it and begins to kiss me desperately. He kisses me from the mouth, to the neck, all the way down. A sheen of sweat covers my cheeks, my chest…desire pulsating through my veins. Moaning, I reach for his head and pull him up, face to face. I need to feel his lips on mine once more.
When we break apart, we study each other as we let the reality of what we’re about to do sink in. As silence fills the room, all I can do is stare at him while he watches me with hunger in his eyes. He is so different from Ben. Arsen’s golden beauty is the perfect foil to Ben’s dark looks.
“Dimples, what I wouldn’t give to know the thoughts inside that little head of yours,” he says, a small smile playing on his lips.
“Arsen, I’m not here to chat.”
The smile is wiped clean of his face. “What are you here for, Catherine?”
I shake my head. I don’t think I can actually voice what I want him to do but Arsen seems to know exactly what I want.
“Show me your tits,” a voice as rough as sandpaper orders.
“What? No. Why?”
I’m taken aback by the crudeness of his words. But what did I expect? A love poem?
“You want to fuck, well, lets fuck. I want to see your tits. I need to feel them in my hands. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this. Fuck, Dimples…” he murmurs as he tugs the neckline down, causing my small breasts to flow out of my dress. I close my eyes out of shame or possibly excitement when I feel Arsen’s large hands cupping my breasts. His thumbs rub my nipples awake.
“Are they sensitive?” Arsen asks huskily, pinching them.
“Are they sensitive?” he repeats his question when I don’t answer.
“Yes,” I croak.
Arsen squeezes harder once more before letting go of them. As soon as his hands are off my body, I miss his touch.
“Turn around and show me your ass.” I’m so far gone, I just follow his instructions without protesting. “Yes, like that. Now, lean against the wall and push your ass out. I want to see your pussy.”
Arsen doesn’t waver. He just orders and I follow.
With my back facing him, I can feel his hands on me slowly lowering my thong mid-thigh. With my underwear out of the way, he spreads my ass between his hands, massaging it as one of his fingers enters me from behind, feeling how wet I am, how wet he makes me.
Moaning, I push my ass harder against his hand. “Oh, sweet fuck. Feel how wet you are…you must like it, don’t you?”
I want him inside of me, so I begin to move away from the door when he pulls my hair, bending my neck backwards. “Don’t move. Want me to fuck you right here like this?” Nodding like a crazy woman, I say yes.
“Want it rough?”
I swallow hard. “Whatever you want. I just want you now.” I want him to make me numb, take away the fucking pain for just a little while.
“Push your ass towards me, baby. I am going to fuck you now.” He pauses. “This is your last chance to say no. Are you sure you want to do this because once we do this, there’s no turning back.”
I close my eyes and make a decision.
“Yes. God, yes. I’m sure.”
Arsen leans down, and whispers in my ear, “You will not regret this.”
I feel Arsen’s arms around me as he lifts me up in the air and carries me towards his kitchen. “What the he—”
I don’t finish the sentence because his mouth is on mine. His tongue battles with mine. The kiss is aggressive, possessive, and needy. When I feel the counter under my ass, he lets go of my body and leans back to look down at me. Slowly, he removes my red dress and my bra, leaving my breasts bare. Completely naked, I begin to unbutton his shirt.
“Fuck…you make me lose my mind.” He leans down and nibbles my lower lip as he wraps both of his arms around me, lending my back support.
With his white shirt open, his naked chest grazes my breasts, my nipples already tender from his teeth, pebble so hard it hurts. I close my eyes and let his mouth wander my body only to open them when I feel his tongue grazing the valley of my breasts. I see him tracing a path with his tongue all the way to my neck, never taking his eyes off of mine. Maintaining eye contact, he lowers his mouth to one of my breasts and rolls the nipple with his tongue.
When Arsen lets go of my back, I put my arms out behind me to hold myself in place. Arsen then grabs my ass roughly and pulls me closer to him. I can feel his erection through his pants as he grinds himself against my clit. And just as I’m about to get lost in the fucking sensation, I feel him moving to stand between my knees. His fingers curl around them and urge them wide apart. I offer no resistance as he stands between my thighs, breathing over my mouth, and then bending down to bite my lower lip.
I can taste my blood.
My stomach tightens and the beating of my heart fills my ears. I watch him closely, and what I see in his eyes frightens me because it’s a reflection of what I want. But Cathy came to play, right?
I’m a big girl.
I know what I want.
We watch each other as I feel his thumb brush over my clit. Sucking in a deep breath of air, I ask him, “Why are we doing this, Arsen? Why do you want me? You could have anyone you want.”
Arsen runs three fingers over my clit, then presses them deep inside me. Arousal flies through my body. My hands go to his hair, pulling his face closer to mine as I hear myself cry out. I spread my legs wider and lift my hips as an invitation for his merciless touch. I whimper when Arsen starts to rub one spot faster. Harder. Beautifully brutal. After a few moments, I’m already so close to coming when he stops.
“Stand up. Turn around and bend over,” he orders.
I am so lost in pleasure that I don’t freaking care what his words mean.
What he is about to do.
What we are about to do.
Until now, Arsen and I have only fooled ourselves into pretending that we are friends and nothing else. In my mental haze, I know that if we go further today my marriage will be over. The jaded side of me, the one that rules my life, is telling me to go ahead and fuck Arsen. To throw everything away just to feel alive once more, to just feel.
On the other hand, there is a big part of me, the one I have been ignoring pretty much since I agreed to meet Arsen, telling me, urging me not to do it. Not to do this to Ben. Not to do this to myself. That I am cheating myself; that I am better than this. That part of me is also saying that I love Ben and that without him, I will be nothing.
Well, screw that.
And screw the guilt I am feeling, and screw what my fickle heart is telling me.
Like I’ve said before, I want to forget.
And Arsen…
He’s my kryptonite.
So I turn around and bend over the kitchen counter. I hear the sounds of his zipper opening and of foil paper being ripped. When I feel his hands grab my hips, I grip the edge of the counter for support. Bent forward as I am, offering myself to him, my eyes land on an object that sparkles brightly when light falls on my hand. It’s my engagement ring and diamond wedding band. Dispassionately, I admire the beauty of the rings…the simplicity of the design...the way it seems to be flashing like a warning signal.
Ben.
He gave me these rings as a promise to be mine forever. We said our wedding vows as he put that wedding band on my finger.
Ben.
I close my eyes to the reminder of what I am about to do, of what I am about to throw away. What I want to do.
“You want this, huh?” he asks hoarsely.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Shut up and fuck me, Arsen. Just fuck me,” I whimper and plead. “Make me forget. Please, make me forget.”
“Shit, Catherine.” He slowly caresses my naked back, making me tremble under his tender touch. “I will.”
It all happens at once. I close my eyes, my cell goes off, and Arsen slides all the way in, pushing me forward with the force of his thrust. A cry escapes my throat. Is it pain? Is it pleasure? Is it guilt? Maybe all thr
ee.
When I feel his dick inside me, my body instantly recognizes the difference. The thickness…the length…it’s not the same, but it feels just as good. Maybe even better because it’s not Ben. I shut my eyes and silence the voice screaming in my head that this is wrong. In this moment, nothing exists but Arsen and me.
Not even Ben.
“Do you like it, Dimples? Do you like my cock fucking your pussy?” he hisses as he begins to move.
I feel my arousal covering him as he thrusts with slow and easy care. My swollen body embraces him, welcomes him, and takes all of him.
And my cell phone keeps ringing.
I hold my breath and ignore the annoying ringtone and its reminder. I don’t want to think. On the brink of having an orgasm, I push my body back against him. I can hear the sound of our bodies clashing…slapping…and the phone ringing.
Arsen groans as he clutches my hips harder, his fingers leaving indentations on my skin, savagely filling me, erasing every single memory of Ben off my body. I hear my moans getting louder as he brings one of his hands to rub my clit incessantly.
I’m close, so close.
The phone rings again, and again, and again…
Never stopping. Taunting me with its music.
I don’t open my eyes. I don’t want to lose the rhythm, but my body has other ideas. Arsen grips my hands in his as he leans over me, his front pushing me all the way down so that I’m flat on my stomach, and regains the lost rhythm.
There are no words of love being whispered in his kitchen. No laughs. The noises filling this room are the frantic slapping of our bodies, his groans, and my moans.
And the fucking cellphone that won’t stop ringing.
He fucks into me smoothly as his fingers find my clit, this time rubbing me without mercy. I can feel my climax hovering above me, just waiting for that final push. I open my eyes and put my head down and look under my body where he’s pumping into me. His cock huge and glistening makes me want to take him in my mouth and suck him, but I don’t. Instead, I lift my ass in the air and push harder against his dick, forcing him to slam his body into mine. I’m giving him everything I have. Arsen begins to thrust harder, and harder, and harder. I feel light headed. I am so close. The pain becomes unbearable but I can’t stop myself from enjoying the aggression of his hips. It’s driving me closer to my climax. Behind me, Arsen slams into me one last time shoving me forward.