My chest…
I can’t breathe…
I can’t.
I punish myself once more, and I recall my meeting with Ben and the way he looked at me. The disgust and hurt on his face, his painful words.
After talking to Amy about my situation, she’d agreed that I needed to get in touch with Ben and tell him the truth. He deserved to know what was going on, even though there was a very high chance that nothing would come of it. So I called him and told him to meet me at the Starbucks around the corner from her apartment.
I remember walking to the coffee shop, sick to my stomach and thinking about Arsen. I thought I saw him following me to the store. I recall turning around, thinking that I saw his blond head sticking out of the crowd, but he was nowhere to be seen.
I was sitting on one of those maroon colored couches where your body automatically sinks in because they are so worn out as I inhaled the aroma of coffee and caramel floating in the air. Soon after I sat down, Ben walked in. He had changed. I hadn’t seen him in a month, and he didn’t look like the same man I was married to for six years at all. He had lost so much weight that he looked gaunt, and his clothes were hanging off his body. His usually pristine handsome face was covered in a thick beard, and the only thing you could see were his lips. His maple brown eyes looked blank and bleak, and the bags under them looked almost purple they were so dark. There was so much anger oozing off him...
I knew I couldn’t tell him.
And his words proved I was right. Without saying hello or asking me how I’m doing he got to the point.
“I agreed to meet you here because, frankly, I’m curious as to what you have to say. What is it?” He spits the words at me.
I told him what I’d wanted to say all along.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I g-guess I wanted to apologize to you once more.”
Lie, lie, lie.
“Oh? Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that, Cathy?” he answered as I stared into his beautiful yet empty eyes.
Yes…
I knew right then and there that I still loved him so much. Not even Arsen had been able to erase it. I’d been fooling myself.
“Where is Arsen? I’m surprised you were able to step away from fucking him long enough to meet me. I mean, back when we were married I was lucky if I got to spend five minutes with you on any given day.”
I flinched at his words. They hurt.
“He, um, uh…he’s gone.” I looked down at my hands.
Ben laughed. “Whoa. That was fucking fast. I’ve got to give it to the kid. Think he got tired of fucking you, huh? Tell me, pretty Cathy, you didn’t give it good enough? Think he got tired of you sucking his dick?” He wiped away tears from his eyes before continuing, “How long has it been? Two or three weeks? The magazines seemed to have lost interest in you two.”
“A month,” I said silently.
Ben stood up and looked down at me with a cruel smile on his lips. “Well, I hope you’re happy. Eleven years down the drain for a month of fucking. And no. I can’t forgive you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
Closing his eyes for a moment, he opened them and pinned me with his angry gaze once more. “I hate you as much as I loved you. Probably more because I can’t fucking make myself stop. I have to go. I can’t do this anymore.”
He turned around and left. I was crying by then, so I didn’t see him coming back. I only noticed it once he put his hands on the table, and leaned down to whisper in my ear, “You know, Cathy, you were supposed to be my past, my present, my future…my forever. But now…nothing is left. You broke me, you hear me? You broke me. I look at your eyes and your beautiful face, and it still fucking hurts. You fucking bitch, it still hurts. I want to erase every single memory of you. Every single one, until I can wake up one day without thinking about you. Until it doesn’t fucking kill me to think what you did to us. Do you hear me? Please, don’t try calling me again to apologize. I want you out of my fucking life. Out of it.”
Then he was gone
“What are you going to do, babe?” Amy asks.
I shake my head. I can’t speak because the pain is so unbearable. I’m trying to breathe in through my nose and exhale through my mouth to see if it will help me get past the overwhelming feeling that I’m not getting enough air into my lungs. The worst part is that I don’t know whom and what I’m grieving for anymore. Arsen, Ben, the way Arsen dismissed our relationship, or Ben’s anger and his hatred. I bury my face in Amy’s neck and let the physical contact soothe me to sleep. I’m so tired. So tired.
Can you hear it? The sound of my heart breaking, ceasing to beat.
Can you feel it? Excruciating pain, eating me alive, slowly tearing me apart limb by limb.
It’s my fault. Only mine. Not his. Not theirs.
I’m alone.
“Cathy, love. Whatever happens, I’m here. Just know that. You can move in and live here for as long as you want. As you know, I’ve been seeing Charles for a while now. He really liked you, and he feels like shit for what Arsen did to you. Anyway, we will help you through the entire process. You don’t need those two assholes in your life. You need to be dickless for a while and focus on this pregnancy, focus on the good things in your life. Maybe call your dad? He’ll forgive you. Okay?” she whispers as she runs her hands through my hair.
I nod and begin to fall asleep, wondering if I will ever forget Ben’s last words, wondering if I will ever get over Arsen’s betrayal, wondering if I will ever be whole again.
Wondering.
Wondering.
Wondering.
Love is infinite.
There is no beginning and no end.
There’s no starting point and no finishing line.
Love just is.
Love is born, grows, matures, and sometimes it dies.
But the memory will remain with you for the rest of your breathing hours.
You fall in love, you fall out of love.
But you will love again.
You always do.
It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, making the windows of the tall buildings reflect its light. It looks like thousands of tiny mirrors adorning the Manhattan skyline.
“How are you today, Cathy?” Crystal, my therapist, asks.
“I’m very well, thank you.” I smile, waiting for her next question.
I started seeing Crystal two weeks after I last saw Ben. At first, I didn’t want to because I really just wanted to drown in my misery, wallow in it until I was dead. At my lowest, I actually considered suicide to make the pain disappear. It hurt so much waking up every morning and living. I wanted to be able to breathe without feeling like my chest was being knifed with every breath I took.
I wanted sweet oblivion.
To vanish.
To feel nothing.
But it all changed on my nine-week ultrasound. Because I’m considered high-risk, I had to have ultrasounds every two weeks until my second trimester, then once a month if the growth of my baby had been on target. Smiling, I touch my huge belly, but I know I won’t be able to breathe a sigh of relief until I am holding her in my arms and I feel her soft little hands in mine.
As I look at Crystal, I think back to the day I decided to fight again. The exact moment when Dr. Pajaree showed me the image of my baby on the monitor. When I saw the little head and the tiniest of bodies, I broke down and cried, the numbness evaporating from my body. That little creature, my little peanut, was mine and all I had left—all that mattered. I decided to fight. It was in that moment, when everything was up in the air with my life, that I realized it was time to seek help; to open up about my fears, my mistakes, and learn not to shut the people out from my life that cared the most about me.
So, twenty-seven weeks later, I’m sitting huge, and very pregnant, on a comfy worn leather couch staring at one of the prettiest brunettes with the bluest of eyes smiling back at me. By the look of her smile, I know what’s coming, and I think
I’m ready to go there with her. Little by little since we started our weekly sessions, we’ve talked about everything from my childhood to my miscarriages, but she hasn’t brought up Ben or Arsen again. I think it was in the third session when I explained to her how I had ended up alone and pregnant, but I never felt comfortable discussing them again. I suspect she wants me to introduce the subject, and I want to, but sometimes just thinking about Ben and Arsen brings back the pain, the memories. It brings back the overwhelming feeling of loving someone when all hope is lost.
So, I wait.
“How is the baby?” She smiles. She’s stalling as well.
“Baby is great. She’s moving so much. Sometimes I think I have a future gymnast growing inside me,” I laugh lightly, resting both my hands on my belly. I love feeling her move and the guessing game of which part of her precious body is sticking out. “She particularly kicks after I’ve had ice cream or chocolate to eat. Oh my God. Here!” I grab Crystal’s hand as I bring it to rest on the left side of my stomach.
Looking at me with smiling eyes, Crystal asks, “That’s so nice. What am I feeling here?”
I smile and move her hand with mine following the trajectory of Nadia’s limb.
“I think that’s her butt. It could be her leg for all I know, though. I told you, she loves to move, especially when I play Taylor Swift.”
Crystal lets go of my belly and sits back on her chair.
“I’m so happy for you, Cathy. Four more weeks, right?”
“Yes. Four weeks.” I swallow hard as I fight to stay on the bright side of optimism, not going near to the depths of fear. “Four more weeks until I can rest easy and truly believe it, you know? Of course, my suitcase has been packed since last week, and all of her clothes are washed. Amy bought her the cutest going home outfit; and—” I smile bashfully as I straighten the hem of my dress. “Am I doing it again? Talking your ears off about baby stuff when you’re supposed to be picking my brain?”
“It’s okay. I’m here to listen to you talk.”
“It’s just…I can’t stop thinking and talking about her. My whole world has become this little girl growing inside me. Nadia is my miracle. Even though sometimes I still can’t believe it. Like, I wake up in the middle of the night and my hands go straight to my belly, and I just lay there, willing the baby to move so I know she’s fine.” I look down at my stomach and caress it as I speak to Crystal. “Dr. Pajaree says it happens sometimes. Women with my condition get pregnant and are able to carry full term without any explanation. I’d like to think it’s magic.” I shrug my shoulders and smile.
“I’m very happy for you, Cathy, but I think it’s time we address Ben and Arsen…” She lets the words hang in the air.
“Yes…I think I can do that,” I answer, fidgeting in my seat.
“Why do you think you cheated on Ben? Why do you think your marriage failed the way it did?”
“Oh, wow. You don’t beat around the bush, do you?”
Laughing, Crystal shakes her head. “No. We’ve made a lot of progress in the past months. I think it’s time we spoke more in depth about Arsen and Ben. So tell me, Cathy. Why?”
“Um…well, I know it all started going downhill after the third miscarriage. And after that, when I couldn’t get pregnant, well…the strain it put on our marriage was lethal. I withdrew from him, from everything, but Ben couldn’t see it. He continued to pretend that everything was okay, that we were going to be okay. It got to a point that his positivity felt like it was choking the life out of me.”
“Go on,” she encourages me.
“Whenever I tried telling him how afraid I was that we were never going to be parents, to tell him about my fears, he would just sweep them under the rug, saying to stop worrying about it, so I stopped trying to talk to him about it. I grew to hate his perfection, I think. Here I was, broken and lost, filled with hatred and jealousy towards other women who could get pregnant by having their husbands just touch them. It was just too much. I felt like I was not woman enough. It was the loss of my dream, the loss of ever becoming a mom that completely shattered me. I wanted to cry, scream, curse at God…I don’t know. And then…”
“There was Ben.”
Yes. Oh, how I wish…
“Yes. Perfect, loving Ben. Not a crack on his exterior, always the optimist. I hated that. I couldn’t talk to him anymore. The more he pulled, the more I pushed away from him. But then I got pregnant for a fourth time after so long, and I thought it was our second chance at happiness.”
“Do you think it was a mistake not telling him any of this?” Crystal asks.
“Um, yes. It was a mistake. I know that now. My friend Amy tried talking to me about it. She asked me if I was prepared just in case I lost that baby as well.” I laugh and look up at the ceiling. “I knew I was putting all my philosophical eggs in one fragile basket, but I really didn’t want to think about it. I knew my marriage was on shaky ground and that all it was going to take for it to fall apart was one soft blow to the core. And it did, although I wouldn’t necessarily call it soft. When I lost th-hat baby, I think I lost my mind as well.”
I touch my belly once more. “I grew to hate everything around me…even Ben. Particularly Ben. I hated when he touched me, I hated when he kissed me, and I hated when he told me that we were going to be fine. I hated it. I truly hated it.”
“Why didn’t you tell him all this?”
“Because by that point, I didn’t care anymore. I-I think I made myself think that I didn’t love him, that I hated him. I did try once…”
“Why did you hate his touch?”
“It made me think of getting pregnant. It felt like work. I resented it. I resented him. I mean, now that I’ve had time to think about it…I don’t know. It’s too late. What ifs are just life’s regrets.” “Do you think all this would have been solved had you opened up to him after your third miscarriage? Do you think talking to him would have, somehow, stopped you from growing apart?”
I think hard for a moment, finding the answer deep within me. “Yes. I think…I mean, I don’t think I would be divorced right now.”
“But how about Arsen? You mentioned you grew to love him.”
Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I turn to look at the window once more. It’s still sunny and beautiful outside. Funny how the sun reminds me so much of Arsen.
“I’d like to think that had my marriage been in a better place, had Ben and I been in a solid marriage with open communication and not so much resentment from my part, that I would not have turned to Arsen. That I would have enjoyed his light flirting, admired his beauty from afar, but that’s it. Never taking it to the next level and actually cheating on Ben. I mean, I remember how crazy I was about Ben during our honeymoon stage. I didn’t even notice other men in the same room. In my world, only one man existed. Ben. I never looked at another man or wondered. Never.”
“But you told me you were attracted to Arsen, very attracted to him before you actually slept with him for the first time?”
“Yes, I was. But there was this huge gap in my life and one day Arsen showed up and filled it. He made me laugh, he listened to my darkest fears, he brought color back into my life.” Turning away from the window, I stare at her. “I don’t think anything would’ve come of it had I not lost the baby, but I’ll never know for sure. When I cheated on Ben with Arsen, he made me feel alive again. He made the pain go away. Whenever I was with him, I felt euphoric. He made me feel beautiful, perfect, and less broken.” I pause and run my fingers through my hair. “Every time I was with him, every time we were together…I was able to forget. The people around me…my friends…my family...I didn’t care about them. All I cared was about getting my next Arsen fix.”
“Do you think that justifies the cheating?”
“No. Nothing can justify what I did to Ben. Nothing will ever justify the cheating. But I cheated, and it’s too late to do anything about it. As cliché as it sounds, all I can do is learn from my mist
akes.”
“Tell me since you didn’t answer before. How about loving Arsen? Do you think it was love?”
I blow air out of my mouth. I think that Crystal really wants to kill me. It’s not like I can think about them without feeling the scar that has just begun to heal rip wide open again.
“Okay, this is going to be a long one. Trust me, I’ve given it a lot of thought.”
“I’m all ears.”
“They say being in love and loving someone are two different things, right? I mean, you love your best friend, but you love your husband, right? Falling in love with someone is easy. It’s loving when the newness has worn off, when life gets tough, when things get in the way, when physical passion is gone, that true love remains. When love can conquer it all.”
I reach for the glass of water in front of me, taking a sip because I’m suddenly very thirsty. “When you fall out of love, it doesn’t mean that you stop loving someone. They just don’t make your heart beat faster. You don’t crave them until you don’t know where they end and you begin. I d-don’t know that I ever fell out of love with Ben, but I do know that I fell in love with Arsen along the way. Or maybe I confused fucking and lust for love. I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever know.
“But what I do know is that they both were essential to my well-being. I didn’t realize how important Ben was to me until he was gone. Arsen became the air I needed to breathe, but Ben was my lungs. What good would air be if I didn’t have lungs to begin with?”
“Do you still think about Arsen? Have you forgiven him?”
“I do, but thinking about him doesn’t hurt as much as when I think about Ben. Arsen could easily be blamed because he pursued me, but I think it was the other way around. I think the fault lies all in me.”
I have forgiven him and the way he walked out on me. I understand where he came from and, in a way, he was right. No words of love were ever said between us. No promises made. Whenever I look back to our relationship, I can only be grateful for all the things he taught me, for being my stepping stone. For that, I will always love him. Sometimes I wish I had gotten the chance to tell him how special he was to me, how much I grew to love him. Arsen taught me to move on. To live life and forget. He made me laugh when all I wanted was to stop existing. I will always love him. And also, there’s the possibility that he gave me Nadia.