It was hard hiking. No trails had been carved through these hills, and when we weren’t shoving aside swollen brush, we were wading across streams or slopping through the mud. As the adrenaline wore off, our bodies stiffened and slowed like machines without oil.
We didn’t talk about what had happened at the house or what we had both said afterward. These things were tucked away in a locked box in the recesses of my mind. Instead I became consumed by thoughts of my mother’s safety, thoughts that brought me to the edge of hysteria before the fatigue finally numbed my mind.
As dusk descended, Chase finally forced us to stop. We were both stumbling regularly now, and getting clumsy.
“No one’s following. We’re making camp here.” His tone was so firm and so exhausted I knew I would lose any argument otherwise.
We were in a small clearing, a lopsided circle lined by pine trees. The ground was relatively flat and not too rocky. Chase checked our perimeter for safety and escape routes, then went to work connecting the curved aluminum poles of the tent he had stolen.
When I grabbed the pack to take out the food, he quickly stopped his task to retrieve the supplies himself. I wondered what he was hiding, but was too tired to care. I used the last of the smashed bread to make sandwiches, and inventoried our supplies. We still had two packages of freeze-dried soup and eight FBR-packaged granola bars left, but they wouldn’t last long. We were going to have to find some food fast.
“Chase?” I asked after a while. My thoughts had returned to the reformatory.
“Yeah.”
“If a guard at rehab was, um … caught … with a resident … do you think he’d be executed, too?” I hoped he understood what I meant, because I didn’t really want to go into a whole twisted explanation of what had happened.
Chase began stuffing the long pole into the nylon loops with fervor. I thought his face had darkened some, but maybe it was just the low light.
“Probably not. He wasn’t committing treason. He’ll probably be court-marshaled. Dishonorably discharged. It’s not common, but it happens.”
My face rose. I felt a little better at this news. Freedom from the FBR was what Sean and Rebecca had wanted.
“It’s not a good thing,” Chase added, seeing my face. “The civilian sector blacklists dishonorably discharged soldiers from everything. Getting a job, buying a house, applying for public assistance. Anything on the books. He’ll be held in contempt if he’s caught collecting pay.”
“But how’s he supposed to live?”
“He’s not. That’s the point.”
My shoulders slumped. Sean would still be a soldier, conflicted as long as he loved his Becca, but safe, if it hadn’t been for me.
Chase had stopped and was staring at me. “You seem pretty concerned about him,” he blurted.
“Well, yeah. His life is probably ruined because of me,” I answered miserably.
Chase went back to building the tent, no less forcefully than before. “If he would have followed the rules, he wouldn’t have had a problem.”
“And if you followed the rules, you wouldn’t have this problem! I remember!” I snapped. My head throbbed. His words from after the murder came forward, cutting fresh wounds. He would be hunted for life because of me. I was a liability. I was dangerous. I was his burden. I got it already.
We were interrupted by a long, whining cry in the distance. I jumped to my feet, but Chase only cocked an ear toward the sound. After a while, he continued working on the tent, unconcerned.
“Coyote,” he informed me.
I rubbed my arms, distracted. “Hungry coyote?”
He stared at me for a moment, ascertaining if I was really afraid.
“Probably. But don’t worry. He’s more scared of us than we are of him.”
I glanced around the campsite, visualizing a pack of rabid coyotes stalking their next meal.
Chase laughed suddenly.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing. You just … Just, after everything that’s happened in the last couple days, you’re freaking out over a coyote.”
I pouted. He laughed again. Soon I was giggling, too. The sound was infectious.
The intensity of all my emotions seemed to make my hilarity that much more acute. Soon, the tears were streaming out of my eyes and I was gripping my stomach. I was happy to see Chase in the same boat. As the silliness died away, he smiled at me.
“That’s nice,” I said.
“What?”
“Your laugh. I haven’t heard it in, well, a year.”
His smile melted, and I felt a striking loss at his withdrawal. An uncomfortable silence settled between us. Talking about the past had been a mistake.
He turned around to finish the tent, and it was then that I saw the gun peeking out from beneath his shirt. He must have put it there sometime when I’d been distracted. Apparently he was more concerned about a hungry coyote than he was letting on.
Brushing my teeth made me feel a little better. After I’d splashed some water on my face, I removed the boots from my aching feet and crawled into the tent. Erected, it was no more than three feet high, a tight squeeze for one person and extremely cozy for two—especially when one of them was the size of a small mountain.
Still, when Chase zipped up the entrance behind me and turned, it was a surprise to find ourselves face to face, only inches apart.
A black-and-white photograph seared into my mind. His tousled hair and scruff and thick lashes. The high cheekbones that made the shadows of his face bold and secretive. The soft curve of his bottom lip.
A flash of heat sparked in the pit of my stomach. For a moment, I heard only the sound of my thundering heart. And then he slid away.
I willed my pulse to slow, but it would not listen. He had weakened me, stolen some of my control in one drawn-out look. And that, I knew from previous experience, left me treading on very dangerous ground.
I could not fall back in love with Chase Jennings. Doing so was like falling in love with a thunderstorm. Exciting and powerful, yes. Even beautiful. But violently tempered, unpredictable, and ultimately, short-lived.
You’re tired. Just go to sleep, I told myself.
And then I realized that there was only one sleeping bag.
“I guess I leave my clothes on, right?” My head reeled. I pinched my eyes closed.
“If that’s what you want,” he said, his voice low.
“I only meant in case we have to get out quickly. Like yesterday.”
“Makes sense.”
Shut up and lay down, I ordered myself. But it wasn’t that easy. Nerves danced in my belly. I had no idea how to approach him. I began analyzing every possible movement, where I should put my arm, my leg.
“You’re thinking so loudly it’s giving me a headache.”
I tried to reciprocate his annoyance, and that helped some. It was easier to be around him when he was cruel. It was harder when we weren’t fighting. It reminded me too much of how things used to be.
“Are you waiting for an invitation?” he asked.
“It would help,” I admitted grouchily.
“Get over here.”
I had to smile then. He had such a polite way about him. After a deep breath, I crawled up beside him, and rested my head on my sweater.
Chase exhaled dramatically. His arm slid beneath my head and wrapped gently around my back, then pulled me flush against him. I felt the warmth of his skin through our clothing, his breath in my hair. My pulse scrambled. He zipped the remainder of the sleeping bag up, and on a whim, I slid my knee over his thigh and rested my head on his shoulder. I heard his heart there. Faster than I thought it would be, but strong.
He cleared his throat. Twice.
“Sorry. I’m sort of cramped here. Hope that’s okay.” I wiggled my leg a little to indicate what I was talking about.
He cleared his throat again. “It’s fine.”
“Are you feeling all right?” I asked.
“Fine,”
he said shortly.
His chest felt firm yet inviting against my cheek, and his scent—like soap and wood—relaxed me, made me dizzy. Every muscle ached, my blistered feet cried, but even that faded into white noise. Exhaustion lowered my defenses; I knew I should be cautious being so close to him, but I couldn’t help it. I felt safe, finally. Calm. As the minutes passed I even stopped caring if the MM found us, just as long as I could sleep awhile.
Chase breathed in slowly, and the rise and fall of his chest made him feel so much more human than soldier. It stripped away some of the loneliness that had been saddled on my shoulders all day. I found myself longing for him to touch my face, my hair, my hand curled on his chest. Some small, reassuring message that everything was going to be all right. But he did not.
The coyote bellowed one long, lonely cry. I shivered involuntarily.
“What if he…”
“He won’t. I’ll make sure.” Chase paused, sighed softly, and then whispered, “Sleep easy, Ember.” And though the ground was cold and uneven and my jeans were twisted around my legs, I slipped away.
CHAPTER
10
IT began with a slight jerk in his shoulders. Nothing unusual really, but as my head still rested on his chest, the movement jolted me awake.
A soft groan. Then a stifled gasp. I heard something hit the ground—his fist maybe, or his heel. Half of his body had escaped the sleeping bag; I could tell by the freedom in his movements. The slippery fabric rustled loudly as he twitched again.
I pushed the rest of the bag off us and sat up, breathless when the cold air snaked between our bodies. Chase had gone very still. I thought that my movement had woken him, but then he twisted sharply, his torso turning toward me, his knees drawing up beneath mine.
Moonlight filtered in through the nylon tent, revealing the side of his face, contorted by agony. The vision of such a large person reduced to curling into himself, quaking with fear, was like a fist closing around my heart.
Then he cried out. The sound cut straight to my bones.
Whatever uncertainty I’d harbored about Chase Jennings dissipated immediately. One hand slid to his shoulder, the other to his cheek.
“Chase,” I whispered.
His eyes burst open, wild and disoriented. In a flash, his left fist locked around my throat. The other wound back, ready to strike.
I couldn’t breathe to scream. My throat burned. The tears erupted, stinging my skin.
“Ember. Jesus.” He swore.
Immediately his grip released. He shot back, slamming into the giving wall of the tent, jostling the entire room. Startled, he tried to stand, but this didn’t work, either; he hit his head on the upper rod and was forced back into a crouch. His whole body quivered, like a wild animal locked in a cage. I couldn’t see his face, but I heard his breathing, hard and ragged.
My arms were shaking, raised up before me in surrender. I could still feel the band of friction encircling my throat, pulsing there. A reminder of Randolph’s baton. Of my self-inflicted vulnerability. I scooted back, bumping into one of the flimsy metal poles. The whole tent shook again.
“I’m sorry,” I managed weakly.
“Wait. I didn’t…” Kneeling, he reached to grasp my shoulders but drew back at the last second, not trusting himself to touch me. I put one hand over my mouth, hugging my elbow with the other. My eyes squeezed shut.
“Did I hurt you?” His voice was strained.
I said nothing, only shook my head quickly. I wouldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see the soldier when I’d allowed myself to lay with someone else.
“I’m so sorry. I … I didn’t know. It was a dream.” The words rushed out, and I could hear in them the precarious balance between fear and self-loathing.
His hands were so close to my body I could feel the heat from them. Very slowly, his fingertips skimmed over my damp cheek. Reflexively, I shrunk from his touch, however gentle it may have been.
He shuddered. Then, without another word, he shoved on his boots, grabbed his jacket, and went outside.
* * *
I SPENT the hours staring into the darkness, confused, at times afraid, while Chase paced outside the tent. I thought of running again, but I knew I would certainly end up lost in the forest in the middle of the night.
After a while, I became aware of the quiet that had replaced his footsteps. The sudden fear struck me that he had left. I couldn’t let that happen. Despite how much I didn’t care to admit it, I was now relying on him to help me find my mother. I needed him.
I clambered out of the sleeping bag and crawled to the exit. My frozen fingers fumbled with the zipper before I pulled away the nylon barrier.
The darkness had lifted some, but it wasn’t yet dawn. Chase was sitting against a tree, ten feet away, keeping watch. I sat back onto my heels, relieved that he was still there.
The temperature had plummeted; the pine needles on the ground were glimmering with iced dew. By the time I made it outside he was standing. Like an old man, he stretched his back, stiff and half frozen. A rush of irritation inflamed me. Why had he not just come back into the tent? I would have given him space. Our discomfort with one another was a lot better than him dying of hypothermia.
But as I got closer, my irritation warped into concern. Bright red patches of skin lit his cheeks, and his lips were chapped and nearly blue. Though he wore a coat, it had done little to shield him from the elements, and it crinkled loudly with each violent shiver. His breath did not fog in front of his face as mine did. There was no warmth left within him.
I ran back to the tent and returned with the sleeping bag. He didn’t object when I threw it over his shoulders, but when he tried to grasp the material, it slipped from his numb fingers. That was when I saw that the knuckles of his right hand were swollen and bruised. A line of blood stained his fingers down around to his palm.
“Your hand!” I exclaimed.
He stared at the ground, intentionally avoiding my scolding glare, like a child who’d been caught stealing.
“I’m f-f-fine. You can g-get some more sleep.” Even his throat sounded as if it were glazed with ice.
I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my brows expectantly.
He stretched the fingers with a wince.
“I got in a fight,” he said with a small smile. “With a tree,” he added when he saw my distress.
My eyes widened. “I guess you lost.”
“You sh-should have seen the tree.”
I laughed in spite of myself, now feeling the cold penetrate my clothing. How had he managed out here without moving?
He began stomping his feet as his blood warmed. This was mildly reassuring.
“I’m s-sorry, Ember.”
I was taken aback by his use of my name. He’d said it when giving me orders, or in anger, even in surprise, since he’d come back. But the broken way he spoke it now made my chest hurt.
“And I’m sorry about yesterday, w-what I said. I didn’t-t mean it. And everything else, too. Reform school … and everything. I never thought … God, look at your hands. And I know worse stuff has happened to you. I can see it. I wish … I’m so sorry.” He kicked the ground, then winced as though he’d broken a toe.
I’d known he had noticed the scars from Brock’s whip, and my unease around his gun, but I was surprised at how they plagued him. He hadn’t mentioned anything earlier.
Unable to stand it any longer, I moved closer, not retreating when he backed away. I rubbed his arms, carefully avoiding his wound. I wasn’t sure what to say. His apology had caught me completely off guard, and I didn’t know if I could trust it.
“Don’t.” His tone lacked conviction. “You shouldn’t…”
“Touch you? Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone,” I said, stung.
“I’m not who I was,” he said. “Don’t be nice to me.”
I wondered what he’d done that had been so terrible that he wouldn’t accept even an ounce of kindness from a
nother person. It seemed impossible just then that I could ever hate him more than he hated himself.
Very gently, as though I were made of glass, he pushed me away. I knew he was scared to hurt me again, but all the same, I felt the bite of rejection.
“I would have let you come back inside,” I said.
“I know.”
I looked up at him. There were dark shadows beneath his eyes.
“So why…”
“I promised I’d never hurt you.”
I felt my neck. There were no reminders of his grip; he’d detached his hand too quickly. I’d been scared but not hurt.
As if his guilt and embarrassment hadn’t been enough, he’d sought punishment by the elements and his own strength, accepting pain with the twisted logic that he deserved it—something I knew he’d picked up in the MM. I found myself wishing I could muster the anger to berate him for it, but found none. What I did feel—sympathy—I could not share, because I knew he would only use it to fuel his shame. So when I felt the renewed desire to wrap my arms around him, I held back. I settled for standing close while he slowly defrosted, hoping he knew by my presence that his penitence was over.
* * *
THE day warmed, though not much. The freezing temperatures made our path slippery and the fog obscured our way; it mandated we travel at maybe half of the previous day’s pace. Each step took double the concentration and effort.
Two days passed, and in them we ate, slept, and talked little. Time was dwindling down. By the time the sun rose on Monday, a strained urgency had taken us. We had less than a day to find the checkpoint.
That wasn’t our only problem. We’d rationed what we had, but still run out of food in the early morning and hadn’t come across a stream to refill the canteens since the previous day. My stomach felt empty.
As we got closer to civilization, the trash littering the ground returned with increasing volume. Chase kicked through the scraps, cans, and faded Horizons-brand refuse for supplies we might use. The prospect of eating garbage didn’t seem as revolting as it had in the past.
It was late in the afternoon before we heard it: tires on asphalt. A single car had driven by, somewhere near.