I felt a fiery blush move up my throat. “Yeah, but I was the one that made all the first moves.”
“You’re chasing heartache, Royal.”
I groaned. “I know, but he’s a risk I have to take.” I was tired of thinking about my own too-hot-to-handle love life, so I switched the focus back to him. “Why does Ari think you need to get laid?” It was hilarious to hear his little sister state the fact so blandly.
He grumbled a nonanswer as the waitress finally brought our food. I didn’t miss the way she lingered by his side until he gave her a little wink and told her everything looked great. It was probably a good thing Dom wasn’t interested in the ladies, they would never stand a chance against his rugged good looks and rough-and-tumble charisma.
“I was seeing this guy—briefly. After I got home from the hospital, he never even bothered to stop by. It wasn’t like we were serious or anything, but a ‘hey, glad you didn’t die’ would’ve been nice.” He chomped on the burger a little angrily, which made me grin. “Ari thinks I need to find a boyfriend and settle down, but I’m pretty sure that’s actually Mom talking and not her.”
“Isn’t that something you want? Someone to come home to at night? Someone that you know is there for you always?”
I had never actually seen it up close and personal until I met Saint and Nash, but now, with that entire group of friends and family, I knew it existed and was beautiful. I had to admit I wanted it for myself. I wanted it with Asa.
Dom made a face and settled back in his chair. He had to shift his body and I stuck my tongue out at him when his cast banged into me.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be a cop, to follow in my dad’s footsteps and take care of my family.” His pitch dropped and his eyes got darker. “But now my sisters are taking care of me and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t go back to DPD, so yeah …” He trailed off. “I just don’t know. But I do know that if what you’re looking for is some easy kind of happy-ever-after, maybe you should consider looking for it with a guy that doesn’t have a criminal record as long as my arm. I know he’s gorgeous and that southern drawl is hard to resist, but you know better.”
I winced because he might as well have been talking about my mom. She had never been one to resist a pretty face and it never worked out well for her or me when I was growing up. Desperation was such an ugly and dangerous emotion.
“When you first got hurt and I couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t handle that I felt so responsible, I sort of went a little crazy.” I pushed my plate out of the way and leaned a little closer so that Dom could tell what I was saying to him was important. “I was acting irresponsible, spinning out of control, and somehow, someway, Asa was the one that kept catching me before I went all the way over the edge. I was hating on myself, my life, every choice I had ever made, and no one could stop me from choking on it except for him.”
Dom copied my pose and we were leaning into each other intently, our voices low, and the seriousness of what we were talking about thick between us. I had never felt for a guy what I felt for Asa Cross, and while Dom would never make me justify my choice, it was important that I impart to him just how serious I was about breaking through that cloak of warning and retreat Asa kept throwing up around us. Even as he stuck out a hand to lure me closer every now and again.
“He’s done a lot of wrong in his time, and instead of apologizing for it, trying to repent for it, he’s holding on to it so tightly that it’s suffocating him from the inside out. He tells me all the time he’s a bad guy, he tells me over and over that he’s capable of really bad things, and I believe him. I really do. But I also believe if he let go, just forgave himself for some of those mistakes and regrets that weigh him down, he could grow, float to the top of the ocean of past misdeeds, and become the guy he is supposed to be now. His self-loathing made me see how dangerous not being able to forgive myself for what happened to you could be.”
Dom swore. “What if he never lets it go, Royal? Are you going to sink to the bottom with him? You’re telling me you’re willing to drown for this guy that you aren’t even really dating?”
I couldn’t answer that. Every time Asa told me to go away, told me that we were bound to implode, it just made me more determined to hold on to him. When I had first started chasing him, it had been about him trying to save me from myself. Now I wasn’t sure who was trying to save who or if we were just destined to destroy each other like he seemed so certain we were.
“I guess it’s a good thing I’m a strong swimmer, and hopefully it won’t come to that.”
The mood was somber after that and Dom decided to fill me in on every single episode of Veronica Mars he had been watching on Netflix while he was laid up. It was so nice to have our easy camaraderie back without all my tension and anxiety keeping distance between us. I could tell Dom had missed having the regular old me around. I stopped to get ice cream to take back to Ari and then the three of us spent the rest of the day hanging out like we used to do when we were kids. It was exactly what I needed to gear up for my date or whatever it was that I was going on with Asa later that night.
I was anxious because he wouldn’t tell me what he had planned, and beyond going to breakfast or lunch after I spent the night with him, we hadn’t really ever done anything alone together. This was our first, actual, out-of-bed spending time together, and I was practically giddy that he had been the one to initiate it. I could talk a big game about being willing to go under for him, but really I needed Asa to do more than tread water if this thing between us was ever going to go anywhere.
My mom called me as I was leaving Dom’s apartment and asked me to stop by her town house for dinner. I could tell by her melancholy tone that she was bummed out, which could only mean things with her newest boy toy hadn’t panned out. They never did, but I loved her too much to remind her of that.
Since Asa wasn’t meeting me at my apartment until much later, I agreed to swing by. I almost immediately wished I hadn’t. My mom was dramatic on a good day, but when she was feeling unwanted and undervalued, she was an emotional nightmare. She had a tendency to act like a cheerleader just dumped by the captain of the football team, her emotional state that immature and erratic when her heart had taken a hit. She was going on and on about getting older, about not being attractive anymore, and I had to tell her that she didn’t need any more work done like twenty times. She had sucked me dry and left me feeling bad that I couldn’t help her. I could never help her when it came to her issues with men. The way she needed them to love her, to worship her, was scary, and I would be forever grateful that I had always had Dom to keep me clear of that way of thinking.
There wasn’t time for me to rest, though, as I raced through a shower then worked to dry and straighten my hair. Since I had no idea where we were going, I wasn’t sure what to wear, so I settled on a knee-length, gray-and-yellow skirt that had a high waist and a dangerous slit in the back, and a black top that was asymmetrical and left one of my shoulders bare. I made my hair as straight as I could and it nearly touched the small of my back once I was done, which was a little more elegant than my normal ponytail or messy bun. I kept my makeup minimal so that I didn’t look like I was trying too hard, and decided on ballet flats instead of heels since I didn’t know if walking was part of Asa’s mysterious plan. He had mentioned he finally got a car and he was picking me up, but beyond that I had no clue what was in store for me.
I heard a knock on the door a little bit after eleven and had to take a couple deep breaths to stop from reacting like an overeager teenager about to head to prom. When I pulled the door open I felt my heart trip over itself and my breath halt in my lungs. Asa always sort of looked rugged and rough. It was like he avoided any kind of sophistication on purpose, but not tonight. Tonight he was full of polish and shine. It was making me too stupid to function.
He had on tailored black pants with sharp black wing tips instead of boots and a dark gray button-up shirt with
the sleeves rolled up his forearms. His blond hair was artfully arranged in a mess and his face was clean-shaven, making his smirk as I openly ogled him even more endearing. He looked sophisticated and dangerous in an entirely different way than he normally did. He was such a chameleon, slipped so easily from one type of guy into another. It made an apprehensive shiver dance up and down my spine.
“You look nice.” My voice sounded breathy to my own ears.
“I have my moments, but you”—his eyes skimmed me up and down and landed back on my face with a warm glow—“are perfect. Are you ready to go?”
I nodded numbly and let him guide me out of the apartment. I was thankful that neither Nash nor Saint popped out of the apartment across the hall since I couldn’t form words at the moment. He even smelled different tonight, more expensive and exotic than he normally did. It almost felt like I was going out with a stranger and I wasn’t sure if that thrilled me or terrified me. We hadn’t even reached his car yet and my head was already spinning.
He stopped in front of a beat-up old Nova. The car had obviously seen better days, but the interior was clean and it had a sexy rumble when he started it. I was actively trying not to fidget or twitch, but there was something about all that smoothness and elegance that was wafting off of him that made me feel very unsure of myself and, for once, unsure of him.
“Do I get to know where we’re going yet? I wasn’t sure what to wear since you were being so secretive.”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and the edges of his mouth quirked up. “You could go anywhere dressed in garbage bags and wearing a traffic cone on your head and still look better than anyone else in the room. I don’t want to tell you where we’re going until we get there. Less chance you’ll tell me you don’t want to go that way.”
Well, that didn’t do anything for my nerves at all. “If I’m going with you, I want to go.”
He turned his head to fully look at me and his teeth flashed white in the darkness of the night surrounding us. “We’ll see.”
I didn’t say anything else and neither did he, which made the vibrating tension coiling all around me seem even more tenuous. He drove us out of the heart of downtown, then took us to a tract of warehouses and industrial complexes off of Santa Fe that didn’t seem to have any kind of place for a date. He parked in front of a corrugated building that I was surprised to see was all lit up and had several cars parked in front of it. I opened my mouth to ask where in the hell we were and what was going on, but he slipped out of the car and came around to open my door before I could. That simple act of chivalry was almost enough to make him seem like regular old Asa again, but when he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest as he dropped a hard, possessive kiss on my mouth, there was something in it that hadn’t been there before. I felt like he was testing me.
“What is this place?” He closed my hand inside of his own and led me to a door that was around the side of the building and well out of sight of any passersby.
He pulled it open and guided me into a gigantic warehouse space that was full of light, music, and people. It was like a carnival trapped inside the metal walls of a warehouse. I turned to look at him with huge eyes while he just stared down at me and asked, “Would it surprise you if I told you I come from a long line of moonshiners and bootleggers? My mom’s dad ran a still way up in the backcountry when she was little and got locked up for it before she had me.”
A guy that looked like he had dropped out of the 1920s exchanged some kind of greeting with Asa and shook his hand as he passed him some folded-up bills. I continued to shoot him questioning looks as he guided me through the bodies milling about.
“Asa, seriously, what is this place?”
He found a table off to the far side of the floor that was draped in heavy, tacky red velvet and faced a stage that at the moment was dark and slightly ominous looking. He pulled out a chair for me and waited while I decided if I was going to sit down or bolt for the door. Nothing in these walls seemed permanent. It was like some kind of Technicolor fantasy come to life and every hackle I had was raised up and telling me nothing about this was on the up-and-up.
“It’s a pop-up speakeasy. The guy that runs them is from out west and they only come this way once a year. I thought it would be fun.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him. “Is any of it legal?” I knew something was going on with him. He felt more on edge tonight, more intense than he had been since I started chasing him around. He was testing me and I was about to fail, because even as much as I wanted him, I wasn’t about to corrupt my own morals to be with him.
A young woman dressed like an old-fashioned cigarette girl stopped by and smiled at us both. She was adorable and I felt like I had been dropped onto an old gangster-movie set. Lord only knew Asa could play the part of Bugsy Siegel with hardly any effort.
“Can I get you anything to drink?”
Asa opened his mouth to answer for us but I interrupted with a curt, “I dunno, do you even have a license to sell liquor?” I swore that if I had my badge I would’ve taken it out and waved it in her face. I was furious that Asa thought he could bring me to an illegal club and that I would just follow along blindly.
She continued to grin at me like I wasn’t being rude at all and nodded her head. “Of course we do. We have these events all over the country, and getting shut down would mean most of us don’t get a paycheck.”
I felt a hot flush work into my face as Asa ordered us a couple of old-fashioneds, and took the seat he had pulled out for me. His gold eyes burned up at me, hot and bright, and all I could do was stare down at him.
“You did it again.” My voice was quiet and with the noise of everyone filling up the big, cavernous space, I was surprised he could make out my words. “You set me up again, Asa. You wanted me to think this was all illegal, you wanted me to think that you were trying to get me to do something wrong, and you wanted me to get mad just like you knew I would. Why? Why are you playing these games with me still?” And he had ruined all the excitement and enjoyment I had been harboring about us being out on an actual date.
“It isn’t a game, Red.” His accent was all honeyed tones and southern appeal. “You jumped to conclusions and they were the wrong ones.”
I literally wanted to stamp my foot in frustration. “Because I asked you a hundred times and you wouldn’t say anything. You wanted me to jump to the wrong conclusion. You led me there.”
He sighed and reached out for me. He caught me around the waist and forcibly hauled me to him until I was standing between his spread legs. I kept my arms crossed even though my fingers itched to thread through the waves of blond hair that were so close. He gazed up at me, and for the first time there was regret in his eyes that didn’t seem like it was killing him.
“I thought it would be fun. A little off the beaten path, and something that fit your peculiar sense of fun. I didn’t mean to turn it into some kind of challenge. I didn’t mean for you to think I was setting you up. I’ve had a few off days this last week and I think I was just trying to see if you were going to automatically assume the worst about my motivations.” His unspoken words at the end of the sentence were there. I had done exactly what he expected me to do, but I refused to take all of the blame.
“I told you if you were there, I would want to be there as well. I wasn’t lying, but I’m not going to compromise my own sense of right and wrong for you, Asa. If you had just explained what all this was, I would’ve been all over it. I would’ve been more excited than I already was to spend an evening out with you; you wanted me to fail this test.” God, he was always so damn slippery and convoluted. I was never going to get ahold of him tightly enough to keep him.
He leaned forward and I had to move my arms when his forehead landed to rest against my middle. I gave up the fight and curled my fingers through the supersoft hair that dusted the back of his head.
“You’re absolutely right.” I wish those words
thrilled me; instead they made me really sad.
I sighed and looked up as the chipper server swung by with our cocktails. She gave me a saucy look when she noticed the way Asa was curled into me and I wanted to tell her it was hardly as romantic or sweet as it looked.
“Have a seat, the show is about to start.” She sauntered off and Asa pulled his head up as his hands curled almost desperately around my waist.
“Will you believe me if I tell you I’m sorry?”
I couldn’t answer that because I didn’t know, and he was so sorry for so many things I wasn’t sure I could handle being one more of them. So instead I stayed silent as he pulled me around him and settled me into the seat next to him. I picked up the fancy drink and instead of sipping on it, savoring the quality ingredients and old-school craftsmanship that went into cocktails back in the day, I slammed the entire thing down, gasping as the bourbon burned.
“What kind of show?” I gurgled the words out as Asa leaned over to place a kiss on my bare shoulder. The tension was gone, but now the air between us was filled with something heavier and denser.
“Burlesque. And yes, they have a cabaret license.” He nudged a drink toward me and I picked it up gratefully. I was back to not being sure if I wanted to hurt him physically because of how quick he was to toy with my emotions, or if I wanted to drag him to the nearest flat surface and climb all over him because I wanted to show him that no matter what he did, I wanted him. “Actually Salem knows one of the dancers from when she lived in L.A. She was the one that told me they were coming through town.”
Salem had led an interesting life before coming to Denver, and I couldn’t say it surprised me that she knew someone that was a burlesque dancer.
“I’ve never seen a burlesque show before.” The lights in the warehouse dipped down, and a soft glow from the stage seemed to be the only light as the Killers started to pump through an unseen sound system. It was an oddly perfect modern musical choice for a place that tried hard to create a Prohibition Era vibe.