Dom continued to stare at me and I continued to stare back. He was just one more person that wanted an explanation I couldn’t give.
“You look like shit. She looks like shit. Neither one of you seems to be on board with this breakup, so why don’t you do something about it, lover boy?”
I sighed and finally looked away from that penetrating green gaze. I gazed down at the bar and lifted a hand to rub absently at the back of my neck. The knots of tension that were coiled there felt like balls of steel and iron under my skin.
“Nothing can be done about it, cop. If there was a better answer than that, I would give it … to her, not to you.”
He grunted at me and slammed back the rest of his drink. “You broke her fucking heart, which already makes you a piece of shit, but what really makes you a fuck wad is that you broke it after putting it back together for her. Why bother fixing her if you were just going to tear her back to pieces?”
That made my chest contract and my hands clench involuntarily. She was already all together when I got my hands on her. Her pieces were just a little jumbled up and out of order because she cared so much about her partner and seeing him get hurt knocked her a little loose. All I did was straighten those pieces out and tighten her back up. If anyone had put the work in to fix anyone, it was the other way around. I didn’t realize how broken I had been until she started tinkering around in all the darkness and shining her light on it. Without Royal, there was no way I would’ve been able to know that even though I had hurt her like this, it was for the best.
“If there was any other way to do this, I would’ve found it. Believe me or don’t, but I walked away for her, not because of her.”
Dom grunted again and hobbled back onto his crutches. “You better have one hell of a good reason for doing this to her.”
Oh, I had a really fucking good reason, but I wasn’t going to share it with anyone and run the risk of ripping Royal’s small family apart. Sometimes the sins of the parents did not have to be suffered by their children.
“I hope you figure your shit out, lover boy. Royal deserves someone that can stand by her and appreciates her for all the amazing things she brings to the table. I don’t know how on earth that person managed to be an ex-con with a twang, but stranger things have happened.”
I ran my hands over my face as my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. There was no figuring my shit out, and that’s what made the situation seem impossible. I called out to Dom as he finally made his way to the door, “Take care of her.”
He looked over his shoulder at me with a scowl. “I always have.” With that closing salvo he exited the bar and left me feeling even worse than I already was.
I got another visitor at the end of what I swore was the longest week of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone, to shut the world out and mourn for the loss of something I was sure was going to stick with me forever. It was the day after the first night Royal hadn’t called, so I was already keyed up and furious at myself and at the circumstances. I had never bemoaned all the crappy things that seemed to find their way to my doorstep, never minded that I had some penance to pay, but this sacrifice felt like it might be what finally took me out, what might make me drown.
I was just a shell. Just a hollow husk of a man going through the motions of the day-to-day because that was what was expected of me. I no longer had to worry or agonize over the good or the bad because there was nothing there. I felt like without her, without her light and her spark, there wasn’t this moment or any moment. I was just stuck in neutral while everything carried on and progressed around me.
She came in at the start of my shift. She had on dark sunglasses and a big ol’ floppy hat like she didn’t want to be recognized by anyone. It was a little late for that. Royal’s mother, the woman that had offered to pay me for sex, sat down at the bar and took off her dark glasses so that she was looking at me with wide, terror-filled eyes. Now that I had seen the two of them together, I couldn’t believe that I had missed the resemblance. Other than the different-colored hair, Royal was the spitting image of the stunning older woman.
Roslyn cleared her throat delicately and laid her hands on the bar top like she needed something solid to hold her in this reality.
“I had no idea you were seeing Royal when I started coming in here. She told me about the Bar, told me it was fun and that a lot of attractive young men hung out here. She never mentioned you specifically or the fact that she was seeing anyone that worked here.” That still wasn’t an excuse for the proposition she had laid at my feet. It didn’t matter if I was involved with her daughter or not. Now that I had walked away, done the clearly right thing for once in my life with no questions hounding me about my choice, I could see the far-reaching ramifications of that decision as Royal’s mother fidgeted nervously in front of me.
I had walked away, but what purpose did that serve if this woman was free to continue to act so irresponsibly with no accountability. Royal would end up hurt anyway, and my sacrifice would be for naught.
I ignored Roslyn and went to fill an order for one of the regulars. Dixie was watching me with careful eyes and I waved her off to let her know I was okay. I needed a second to get a game plan together, a second to pull a few old tricks out of my manipulative hat. I was actually surprised it had taken Roslyn this long to find her way back to the Bar. I held her entire relationship with her daughter in the palm of my hand and she had to know that. If I had been her, this would’ve been my first stop weeks ago. Maybe if I hadn’t been wallowing in my own loss and my own heartache and just generally feeling sorry for myself, I would have gone to her first. The last thing I wanted to do was give up the only woman I ever wanted for my own to have her careless mother hurt her when I wasn’t around to make it better for her.
I found my way back to where Royal’s mother was sitting after fifteen minutes of purposely making her sweat. When I reached her I braced my hands on the bar and leaned over so that when I spoke it was low and meant only for her to hear.
“The fact that you didn’t know about me and Royal doesn’t excuse your behavior. You offered me money to take you to bed. Regardless if I was already sleeping with your daughter or not, those kinds of risks are foolish and unnecessary. Put your child ahead of yourself. Put your own well-being above your incessant need for attention from the opposite sex. Even if it wasn’t me, how do you think Royal would feel if she found out that’s what you were out there doing? Offering strange men money for sex is incredibly risky. You have no idea the devastation I could have brought into your life if I had accepted an offer like that a few years ago. And your daughter’s a cop, for God’s sake. It could ruin her professionally as well as personally. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
Roslyn recoiled and she started to twist her hands together. “I have never purposely hurt Royal.”
I snorted and pushed off the bar. “Exactly. It might not be on purpose, but your selfish and reckless actions do hurt her and have done so even before now. Do you think she likes watching you jump from man to man? Do you think she likes that your loneliness makes you act foolish and thoughtless? Do you think she likes worrying about you and what you’re out there doing because you can’t manage to take care of yourself? You’re lucky to have her and you’ve never appreciated the fact.”
She narrowed her eyes a little at me. “Are you going to tell me you appreciated her while you had her, Asa?”
I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I was learning to. I knew from the first minute that I saw her that she was special, that she was too good for me, so I knew I had to take advantage of every single second I had with her.”
“Are you in love with my daughter?” It came out as a whisper, and she was the only person that had asked me the question that I was going to give an answer to.
“Yes, I am.” And surprisingly, being able to say it was what finally woke me up. Ayden was right. I had been sleepwalking, and allowing myself to love Royal enough
to let her go was what had jolted me awake. Only being awake when all I was doing was hurting sucked ass, and I could have totally done without the heartache. Being numb did have its benefits, but I knew I could never go back to that place. The past had to stay behind me. The future had to play out however it was going to play out, and I needed to focus on everything I had right in front of me, right now.
She put a hand to her throat much like she had done at dinner and blinked at me. “So what happens now?”
I gritted my teeth and breathed out hard through my nose. “What happens is you get your act together. You help her through this breakup because I know she’s confused and hurting. You convince her that she deserves better than me, and you know that if I ever catch wind of you doing anything as fucking stupid as offer to pay a stranger for sex again, I’ll tell Royal everything, and if she won’t listen to me, I’ll tell Dom. He’ll watch you like a hawk and you won’t be able to move without him keeping eyes on you to make sure you don’t do anything so stupid again. Royal will never forgive you and Dom will never let it go, and we both know it. Your daughter loves you but what you’re doing is dangerous and unforgivable. It will be the final straw. She’s already over how you behave around the men in your life as it is. Get it together or lose her.” It was a threat that I would have no trouble and zero remorse about following through on, and I made sure she could tell that when she finally looked up to meet my gaze.
“Why? Why are you doing this when you could tell her the truth instead? Why give me a second chance when you could throw me under the bus and live happily ever after with her?”
I growled at her because I really just wanted her gone. “I’m doing this because she has loved you longer than she’s loved me. I’m doing it because Royal needs her mom more than she needs a boyfriend, and I’m doing it because I never thought I could walk away from the ultimate prize if I had it. I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do.” And goddammit, me doing the right thing without hesitation had never been an option before Royal.
And that was all there was to it. I walked away from Roslyn and honestly hoped I never had to see her again. I didn’t wait to see if she got up and left. I just went about my business like a zombie for the rest of my shift … and the shift after that … and the shift after that.
Another week had passed when Rome finally pulled me into the back office and told me to take a few days off. I told him the last thing I needed was time by myself to think. He told me it wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order. I told him to fuck off and things devolved pretty rapidly from there. I didn’t really remember him strong-arming out of the Bar and calling me every name he could think of. I didn’t recall him knocking me upside the head hard enough that my ears were ringing. What I did remember bright and clear was him telling me to pull my head out of my ass before he really had to hurt me, and that was enough to spur me into action and get me headed back home.
I spent several days wallowing in a drunken haze while lying in my lonely and empty bed. Who would have ever thought doing the right thing felt a hundred times worse than doing the wrong thing ever did?
I was in the shower trying to wash off the vestiges of a stupor and wondering if I was always going to feel so empty when I heard my phone ring from the other room. Considering all my friends and allies were pissed off at me or purposely giving me space, I couldn’t stop my traitorous heart from thinking it might be Royal. Even if I wouldn’t give in to temptation and answer her call, I’d still look at her pretty face on the screen while my phone sang the Black Angels’ “You’re Mine” and trashed my heart even more.
I was rubbing water off of my face with another towel when I found the phone and stopped dead in my tracks when the face on the screen wasn’t the one I wanted to see but one that I hadn’t seen in so long I almost forgot what it looked like. I sat my ass on the edge of the bed and answered the call with a terse “What kind of trouble are you in, Mom?” I had had enough of mothers to last me a lifetime the last month or so.
It sounded like she was at a truck stop. The background noise was full of wind, horns blaring, and engines revving.
“None. Why is that always the first thing you ask me?” Her drawl was twice as thick as my own and I always asked her that question because the only time I heard from her was when she needed something or was in trouble. I guess the apple didn’t fall very far from that tree.
“Where are you?” I grumbled out the question and flopped back on the bed so that I was staring at the ceiling. I had spent a lot of lost hours in this exact same position over the last few days.
“Outside of Chicago. Listen, I just got a call from the Kentucky Department of Corrections.”
Well, that couldn’t amount to anything good. “About what?”
She screamed something that I couldn’t make out and then came back on the line. “About your father.”
My father was like a ghost story. Something I had heard about my entire life, some specter that existed in theory and used to scare me when I didn’t act right, but there was no actual, tangible proof that he was a real, living, breathing human being.
“What about him? Is he finally up for parole and looking for character witnesses?” I said this ironically considering I had never met the man, and if my illustrious past was anything to go by, I got all of my worst character traits from his side of the genetic pool. He could rot behind bars forever as far as I was concerned.
“Asa!” My mom snapped my name and then moved off to somewhere where she wasn’t battling the background noise to be heard. “Your dad has been sick for a long time.”
I knew I was supposed to feel something at those words, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the feeling was supposed to be. “Okay.”
She sighed and said my name again. “Your dad passed away in the prison hospital last night. He had a massive heart attack. There was nothing anyone could do for him.”
Again I wasn’t sure how any of that was supposed to make me feel or what kind of reaction she was looking to get out of me. “Okay.”
My mom swore and I actually heard her tapping her foot impatiently on the other end of the phone line.
“Asa, you’re his only kin. Your dad never married and his parents passed away years ago. Your dad was an only child, so that means you need to go to Kentucky and settle his affairs.”
I groaned and used my free hand to grind it into my eye sockets. “Mom, he was locked up for over thirty years. What kind of affairs could he possibly have? Let the state sort it all out. I’m not interested in going back there.” Especially not for a man I had never met. The man I would have turned into if fate and a bunch of pissed-off bikers hadn’t turned it all around for me.
“You should know better than that, son. Even the most troubled soul has someone out there to love it. Your father might have made some serious mistakes, but his family never turned their backs on him. They owned a beautiful farm right outside of Woodward that your dad grew up on. Since he’s gone, the land and everything on it will pass down to you.”
I swore and bolted up into a sitting position. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Do I sound like I’m kidding, Asa?” No, she sounded annoyed that she had to be dealing with any of it at all. “They never cared for my relationship with your dad or the fact you were born right before he got locked up. They thought I was trash and that we ruined his life, but they never gave up hope on your dad.”
“Why does it go to me and not to you? If they hated us, why do I get anything?” Maybe that’s why she sounded so put out.
“I told you your father never married. That includes me. I was in his contact information on his paperwork when he got arrested because we were living together at the time. The prison called me and his lawyer to pass on the news.” She mumbled something under her breath and then all the noise in the background was back. “Go home, Asa. Put your dad to rest. See the farm. Keep it or sell it. Either way you have a way to really start your life over
just like your sister did.”
She didn’t tell me good-bye. she just hung up, leaving me staring at the phone in dumbfounded shock. Suddenly I didn’t have to worry about what emotion to feel because I was feeling all of them at once. Happiness, rage, fear, sadness, confusion … everything surged to the surface. I was no longer hollow, I was no longer empty. I was full of everything that I had been actively avoiding for most of my life, and now all I could do was laugh like a lunatic and throw my phone across the room. I laughed and laughed until tears fell out of the corners of my eyes and my abs hurt from the exertion. I felt like I was losing my mind but I knew the only thing there was for me to do was get on the next plane to Kentucky.
I didn’t have to look up when her boots hit the bottom of the porch steps to know my sister had found her way to where I was. She somehow always managed to appear when I needed her the most. Initially I had left Denver without saying a word to anyone. I didn’t tell Rome I was leaving, and I didn’t call Ayden to let her know what was going on. It only took getting off the plane and taking a cab to my father’s lawyer’s office for me to have a major change of heart. I was immediately inundated with so much information, given so many decisions to make, that I had to take a second to get my shit together and I realized I couldn’t close the door on where and who I had been by myself. I needed Ayden to help me do it once and for all.
I called my baby sister and filled her in, which of course led to her yelling at me for five minutes for trying to handle all of this by myself. I knew as soon as I hung up the phone she would be making an appearance as soon as she could arrange getting herself back to a place neither of us ever wanted to see again.
I called Rome and gave him a brief rundown as well. He took it more stoically and told me to take as much time as I needed. He also reminded me that he was there, they were all there if I needed anything, and told me not to forget that fact. I told him I was long past taking the good things in my life for granted, and I would let him know how everything worked out.