Chapter 5: Sabian
“This is the place.” I announced opening the door for Rachael.
“Someone else lives here?” Rachael was looking at the fully furnished premises with curiosity, exploring picture frames and knickknacks that decorated the fireplace mantle. I watched her move inquisitively about the lounge room leading from the doorway.
“They are overseas at the moment. They had a friend of their daughter house sitting, but apparently he had a really good time, so overstayed their welcome, lets say.”
“Parties, parties, parties hey?” Rachael remarked playfully.
“Girl, girls, girls…. “ I clarified.
“Bit strict aren’t they. What did they expect asking a single guy to look after their place?” I was surprised at the comment. I don’t know why, but I kind of anticipated a less accepting approach.
“Yeah – he wasn’t single and it was more like several girls at once, all night, every night.” I smiled at the way she closed her eyes and smiled in understanding. “I think the neighbours will breathe a sigh of relief seeing you here.”
“What – you don’t think I might surprise you and party all night?” Rachael gave a cheeky grin and let herself sink into the couch.
“I think you’re a little past that.” Immediately I regretted my words.
“Too old then.” Rachael raised a scolding eyebrow, and turning to face me.
“No. No I didn’t mean that.” I immediately defended.
“Now whose sense of humour’s waning?” She teased and resumed looking ahead from her position on the couch. She stretched her arms out, and leant her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. I took a seat opposite her and she straightened up her stance to look back at me.
“You are a bit of a mystery Rachael. And I don’t mean because you can’t remember where you came from. It’s just you are so confident one minute then the next so…” I trailed off because honestly, I didn’t know what it was.
“Lost.” She finished for me.
“Maybe.” I conceded reluctantly. “I don’t know what the word is.”
“Lost is the right word, I keep trying to make sense of everything. Then again maybe I just need to refocus, take everything as it comes and ‘suck it up princess’.”
“OK. Whatever works for you I guess.” This was a different attitude. I wasn’t sure if it was something I should support or not, so decided to play it cool. There was doubt in my voice, so she seemed to want to clarify something for me. She leaned forward and gave me a direct and piercing look, but it didn’t worry me, didn’t take me off guard, just showed me something else of her.
“Look,” She began. “I can’t make things happen for myself, but sure as hell can start working towards something. Maybe I get all the answers I can this afternoon, maybe I don’t. Either way, I’m drawing my line in the sand. I’m taking back my life. I’ve had it with social workers, police, not knowing who I am or where I’m going. I don’t know what sort of person I was before, but I don’t like relying on other people for everything all the time. Even accepting this, this apartment – it gets under my skin.”
“Well you probably aren’t going to like this then either.” I reached into my pocket and dropped the envelope I retrieved form my pocket on the table.
“What is it?” She asked eying the envelope and then me.
“Money. Enough to get you set up for clothes, food, stuff, maybe until you get a handle on what to do next.” I gulped when I said it, almost as if I feared the offering would be rejected.
“I can’t take it.”
“Yes you can Rachael.”
For the longest time she looked over me and I had the feeling I was being prepared for dinner. When she spoke I was thankful. “What is it I owe you for all of this. Really. Sabian… What is this?” She cocked her head to regard me.
“Just me being me. Being grateful I guess.” I tried to sound confident, but I was feeling a little like a primary kid in high school.
“Grateful.” She replied dubious.
“And I want to be your friend. Help you find the answers to some of your questions. Is that so surprising? So difficult to believe?” I met her stare and she softened, smiling slightly at me.
“I suppose not.” Rachael relaxed back in to the couch. “Thank you.” She extended.
I nodded before standing. I had to get going, get back to Natasha. “I’ll come back around three – pick you up. But for now I guess I had better go talk with Natasha…try and convince her it’s still worthwhile to stay.”
“Don’t come back.” Rachael said matter of factly. I looked at her confused and she shook her head to correct herself, a hint of anxiety in her voice. “I didn’t mean it that way, just tha I can take myself to the station. I need to get my bearings. This will help, and maybe it’s a good idea to spend some time with her, not having to rush off somewhere.”
“Are you sure?” I asked her as I dug my hands in my pockets for my keys.
“Yes. More than sure.” She looked confident, and I was pleased. This would actually be good, see her moving forward. I gave her a curious look, I wanted to know who, what she was, where she came from.
“What is it?” She asked tentatively.
“You. You’re quite the contradiction yourself.”
“Thank goodness for that. No fun if everything’s predictable is it? Speak to you later.” She grinned at my amusement.
I threw open the door, but hesitated before I walked through. “Can I call you tonight? See how things went?”
“Why don’t I call you - after.” She offered. Before I closed the door she called after me. “Good luck - with Natasha.”
I couldn’t help but stick my head back in. “Luck is the least of what I need. I need a miracle – or at least something in the magic department.”
Driving home I kept revisiting what had happened the last couple of days. Meeting Rachael, losing Amber, Kes, Rick and his wife. My head was swimming with thoughts when someone honked at me from behind. I had been sitting still at a green light and not even noticed. I needed some sleep desperately. Even last night, I had tossed and turned all night. The police had set me up with a Victims of Crime Counselling number. Not that I was going to use it of course. I felt an unusual mix of emotions. I was glad to be alive, but at the same time kept thinking what I could have done better, differently. I thought about my hand being spayed on the floor, the knife withdrawn to take my finger, Amber’s face…my breathing became erratic and I was suddenly nauseous.
Pulling the car over to the side of the road, I threw the door open and stumbled two steps before throwing up. I wretched again and lost what little I had managed to eat in the last day. Taking a breath I returned to the safety of the car, but sat in the seat, feet still on the ground and dropped my head into my hands.
It felt ridiculous, and I hadn’t said it to anyone, but with everything Natasha and I were working on, this was the worst possible time for something like this to happen. As if there were a good time. I tied to focus, settle on an image of Natasha’s face. One floated in and out, but I refocussed. Rachael’s face came to mind instead. When I met her at the party, so demure, chin down, eyes staring up at me, the way she carried herself. Then the way she looked when she kicked the gun towards me, the blackness in her eyes. The way she moved to meet their attacks. I felt there was something missing. I had to find out. I could feel that was the key to me burying this. And Amber. God, I had to organise the funeral. I sucked in a breath and got back behind the wheel, closed the door and concentrated on driving. First things first – heart to heart with Natasha, then organise Amber’s funeral, then figure out where to stay.
I kept repeating my to do list in my head over and over until I got myself home. I prepared myself for this talk as best as I could. Natasha was already distant with me, we were already trading tension with each other. She had been angry I brought Rachael back to our place, frightened by what she saw, what we all experienced.
This wasn’t going to be easy. When I walked in I was surprised by what I saw.
When I walked in I was first surprised by the luggage at the front door. Two medium suitcases. I looked at them as though they were the enemy. She was leaving. But then, she rushed me. Natasha rushed up to kiss me. It was the deep passionate type of kiss I remembered from years ago. She smelled of Chloe and Channel. I more than welcomed her embrace, the feel of her body under the silk blouse. I breathed her in but gave her a curious look, trying to untangle her from me so I could get a solid read on her.
“I thought you would be angry.” I half asked, half commented.
"No, not angry, I know what we went through was …awful." she looked away from me. "I don’t know what to think or how to feel about everything, but I want this to work – us." with that she looked back at me hopefully, clutching my collar. "I missed you when I was over there. When I thought they were going to hurt you, kill us, all I could think of was how much...." she started to choke up, close her eyes and glance away. I stopped her and moved her chin back so she was facing me. When I got her to look at me again, her eyes were filled with tears."I missed you so much, and all day, all I could think about was you. Sab. Can we just get away from here – go to the Hilton – I booked a room for a week, so we have time to go through the funeral, selling the house and everything else. I can’t imagine how you must feel, losing Amber."
"I am so happy you are with me. I missed you too. You have this way of making me feel everything is under control. Everything is going to be alright." Couldn’t stop thinking about Rachael though today could I?
She reached for me and drew my face back to hers. She pulled me towards the bedroom, and I didn't protest. For the next while we left everything we had done, been through or worried about aside, just enjoyed one another, the moment together and the taste of each others skin. I reveled in it.