“I don’t know.” Mom grabbed her water but didn’t go anywhere. “Just . . . don’t get so focused on where you’re going that you forget the people you’re traveling with. There’s no point reaching a destination if you arrive alone.”
“Okay,” I said, though it sounded inadequate.
“I’m going to the beach. Don’t mess up the house.”
“I won’t.” I wanted to hug her. Tell her I understood, even though I didn’t. If two people loved each other enough, it shouldn’t matter how far their paths had diverged. Instead, I let her walk out the door.
My appetite left with Mom, so I showered and changed and drove to Calvin’s house.
Calvin was sitting in his driveway when I arrived. He waved and popped up, and I parked beside his father’s truck.
“Hey! I wasn’t sure you’d actually come.”
I got out of the car. “Should we head inside and get started?”
Calvin kept his distance. “Actually, I thought we could go for a walk first.” He spoke so quickly his words ran together. “Dad’s off from both jobs, and he decided to work around the house, which started with light cleaning, but now he’s taking apart the garbage disposal.”
Calvin’s suggestion felt like a ploy to get me alone, but judging by his run-on sentences and manic hand gestures, we probably wouldn’t get any work done on our roller coaster until he said what he needed to say.
“Sure,” I said. “Let’s go.”
We walked to the end of his cul-de-sac and veered into the grass, which turned out to be a dog-poo minefield, until we reached a series of boardwalks and gazebos that crisscrossed a large retention pond infested with stalkery, bread-hungry ducks. It was one of those mild breezy days that convinces northerners Florida is a paradise. But no one can truly understand Florida until they’ve survived a couple of summers where the air is thick enough to drink and the heat index hovers somewhere between sweat-through-your-undershirt and even-Satan-cranked-up-his-AC hot. Where, for five months out of the year, every tropical system is a potential house-slaying hurricane. Where the roaches fly, you can only drive as fast as the ancient snowbird in front of you, and the mosquitos suck every last drop of blood from your body.
But that day it did feel like paradise, and I found myself glad Calvin had suggested we spend it outside.
Calvin stopped at a gazebo and parked his butt on a bench, looking across the pond at a fountain spraying misty water into the air.
“I had this whole speech,” Calvin said. “I’ve been reworking it in my mind since New Year’s. It’s what I was trying to tell you at your car at school, which I’m sorry about, by the way. I didn’t mean to ambush you like that. Well, I mean, I guess I did; I just expected to catch you alone.”
I climbed onto the railing and hooked my legs through the wood beams to keep from tumbling backward into the water. “We can pretend New Year’s Eve never happened, and just work on our project. We don’t have to be friends.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” I said. “No. I don’t know. Just say what you need to say already.”
Calvin bobbed his head. “Obviously, you can tell I’ve got some problems.”
“Don’t we all.”
“There was this guy. He really messed me up.”
“So that’s why you called me a slut?”
“Yeah,” Calvin said. “But no.” He fidgeted with the cords hanging from his hoodie’s neck. It was like he was wearing a suit of fire ants under his regular clothes and couldn’t stop squirming. “The guy . . . he was my first, and I loved him, all right? He said to me what I said to you after the first time we had sex. And the second time and the third—”
“I get it,” I said.
“It fucked with my head, and I think he did it so that I’d never feel like I was good enough for anyone else.”
Finally, I had nothing to say.
“I was serious when I told you I was joking, but I think I also kind of said it because I was scared you wouldn’t want to be with me after what we did, and it was easier to strike first.” Calvin met my eyes with his. “Does that make any sense?”
“I know it shouldn’t, but it kind of does.”
Calvin rocked on the bench, and I wanted to freeze him in place. “I think you’re awesome, Ozzie. We haven’t known each other long, so it’s not like I’m all in love with you because we got off together, but I do like you. You’re weird and funny and I know I’ve probably screwed everything up, but I hope you can forgive me for being an asshole.”
I wanted it to be as easy as believing Calvin was sincere and accepting his apology. I wanted to be like Dustin and just choose to be happy, but it felt dangerous to like Calvin the way he’d said he liked me. Dangerous for both of us. I think I’d only seen the surface of his problems, and getting involved with him could end badly for everyone involved. And I would definitely hurt him if—no, not if, when—I found Tommy.
“We can be friends,” I said after a while. Calvin’s back straightened and his shoulders lifted. He even smiled. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be anything more.”
Calvin held up his hands. “You don’t have to explain.”
“I still love Tommy,” I said. “And I’m not giving up on finding him.”
“I understand.”
I laughed. “I’m glad someone does.” I wasn’t in the mood to talk about Tommy, though, so I changed the subject. “Tell me about this guy of yours. He sounds like a dick.”
Calvin’s fragile smile faded. “You don’t know him. He’s older. A teacher.”
“You were hooking up with a teacher? Holy shit! Who?”
“It’s not important.”
I could tell Calvin didn’t want to discuss it, but he couldn’t dangle information that juicy in front of me and then withhold the details. “Does he teach at our school? Is he the reason you quit wrestling and started sleeping through all your classes?”
“Yes,” Calvin said. “And no.” He stood and walked toward me. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Yeah. Obviously. I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “It’s just . . . a teacher? That’s definitely not what I was expecting you to say.”
“Listen. You can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t.”
“Not even Lua.”
“Promise.”
Calvin stared at me like he was a human lie detector. I guess he decided I was trustworthy, because he said, “We should go work on our roller coaster now.” He headed back toward his house.
I hopped off the railing and jogged to catch up. “Hey,” I said. “Since we’re friends now, why don’t you eat lunch with me and Lua and the others? They’re weird, but you should come anyway.”
“Thanks, Ozzie. I think I’d like that.”
248,011 AU
TO MY SURPRISE, CALVIN ARRIVED to physics early, wearing a new black hoodie and clean jeans. We barely talked, but I felt pretty certain I’d made the right decision about us just being friends. Between me looking for Tommy and trying to figure out why the universe was shrinking, and Calvin cutting himself and sleeping with a teacher, I kind of figured we had enough problems between us that it made sense not to complicate our lives further. Besides, I was still trying to wrap my head around Calvin’s revelation that he’d had sex with a teacher. I mean, based on his behavior since the beginning of the school year, it had obviously screwed him up, and I both wanted to know more and wished I could forget he’d ever told me.
When the bell rang, I told Dustin to go on ahead, and Calvin and I walked to the cafeteria together. I hadn’t warned the others I’d invited Calvin to sit with us at lunch, because I wanted to see the looks on their faces when he showed up.
“Where do you normally eat?” I asked as we stood in line with our trays to sample Cloud Lake High’s finest culinary delights.
Calvin chose two slices of flat, greasy pizza. “You know the retention pond across from the agriculture building?”
/> I nodded. Since I’d had pizza for dinner the night before and still felt bloated, I ended up grabbing a sad, wilted salad.
“That’s where I eat.”
“Oh.” No wonder Calvin was excited to eat lunch with us. The thought of him sitting by himself beside a fake pond was about the saddest thing in the world.
“You ready for this?” I asked after we paid for our food.
“Is there any reason I shouldn’t be?”
Yeah, I could have clued him in that Lua was probably going to be possessively hostile, and that Dustin would probably attempt to prove he was smarter, but I didn’t want to scare him. It was best to send him in blind. Either he’d survive or he’d never speak to me again. Honestly, it could have gone either way.
“Nah,” I said. “You can breathe underwater, remember?”
Lua spotted us first. She was wearing a revealing white blouse with suspenders, and her hair was pinned with crystal butterfly barrettes. I was actually glad that she was hanging out on the feminine end of her spectrum. Not that I cared, but I didn’t have to worry about Calvin accidentally using the wrong pronoun.
I think it took Lua a moment to register that Calvin and I were walking toward the table together. Like, maybe for a moment, she thought we were just walking in proximity to each other. But as soon as she realized what was up, a suspicious grin split her face. I probably should have been more nervous than I was, but I was committed to doing this, and it was too late to run away.
“Hey,” I said. I set my tray down next to Lua. “Calvin’s gonna sit with us, all right?”
Priya Soni—a gossip with a massive unrequited crush on Dustin—was standing at the table, and her eyes bulged out of her head when she saw us. I hoped she didn’t stick around.
Dustin cast me a quick, knowing smile, and offered Calvin a bro nod. “I saw you wrestle last year. You were a beast. What happened to you? I thought you were going to make me work for valedictorian.”
Before Calvin could answer, Priya opened her mouth and released a raging deluge. “I heard you had a brother that shot someone? Is that true? Did you really quit the wrestling team? Because Mindi Bowers said that she heard from Wryan Jenkins that you tested positive for steroids and you were actually kicked off. Those are so gross. Maria said she heard Bobby Yu took steroids and his balls got really small. Did that happen to you?”
“His balls are definitely not small,” I said, and then immediately wished I hadn’t.
Lua’s jaw dropped and she stared at me. I could actually see the chewed-up pizza in her mouth.
“Can we not talk about balls while I’m eating?” Dustin said.
Calvin cleared his throat, pulling the attention away from me and onto him. “Half the school knows how big my balls are. Those wrestling uniforms leave nothing to the imagination. But you want to know what’s really awkward? Trent getting a boner while I’m trying to pin him.”
“Trent’s gay?” Priya said, and before the question had left her mouth, she’d already gotten her phone out and was tapping away.
Lua rolled her eyes. “Don’t you have somewhere else to sit, Priya?”
Priya looked up from her phone, glared at Lua, and stomped away.
“Trent’s not gay,” I said. “He’s obviously into Lua.”
Lua had regained most of her composure, but I could tell I was in for the Inquisition later. “Why are boys so uptight about their sexuality?”
Calvin nibbled his pizza. “Because guys are idiots.”
“Everyone knows that,” Lua said.
“It’s like this,” Calvin said. “For the majority of guys, sexuality is black or white. There’s no spectrum, no in-between. You’re either straight or gay. Even bi guys are considered ‘bi now, gay later.’ If you check out another guy, you’re gay. It doesn’t matter if you have a girlfriend and ten other girls on the side, all it takes is one rumor and you’re branded for life.”
Lua pointed at Calvin with her pizza crust. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve spent years listening to stupid shit come out of Ozzie’s face hole.”
“Thanks?” I said, but Lua kept rambling like I hadn’t said anything.
“Guys can be bi. They can experiment. I mean, what if a boy just wants to see what it’s like to kiss another boy?”
“Gay.”
“Are you serious?” Lua glanced at Dustin. “Is he serious?”
Dustin nodded. “I can confirm.”
“It’s stupid,” Calvin said. “But that’s how a lot of guys are.”
“Insecure guys,” I added, but Lua and Calvin didn’t seem to hear me. Lua had been cool with Calvin joining us at a/s/l on New Year’s Eve—we hadn’t discussed it and I think she assumed I’d invited him as a pity date—but bringing him to lunch was serious business, which meant she had to test him to make certain he deserved to be there.
“So you’re saying,” Lua said, “that if Dustin wanted to know what making out with a guy was like, even if he’s one hundred percent straight—”
“Gay,” Calvin finished.
Lua huffed. “You’re right: Boys are idiots.”
I wasn’t sure whether Lua’s statement was in indictment of Cal or a roundabout approval, but she hadn’t thrown any food at him, so that was a good sign.
Dustin spent most of the rest of lunch complaining about how he was having to build his roller coaster without any help from Jake, whose only contribution had been to attempt to name it the Funky Trumpet, which Dustin had vetoed. But he made sure to humble-brag about his awesome design.
“So,” Lua said, motioning at me and Calvin when Dustin finally stopped ranting about Jake. “What’s this thing going on with you two?”
“We’re just friends,” I mumbled.
Lua sighed, her entire face a frown. “Friends who know how big each other’s balls are? Right.”
Perhaps I’d been too hasty to think Lua was okay with me inviting Cal to sit with us.
Calvin glanced at me, panic beginning to creep onto his face. “We really are just friends,” he said, a little too defensively.
“Come on. You came to my show on New Year’s Eve, where you and Ozzie mysteriously disappeared, and now you’re eating lunch together. Something’s going on.” Lua refused to let it go. That’s just how she was. Usually, it was one of the things I loved about her, but I didn’t love it so much right then.
Calvin was back to keeping his hands in his lap and his eyes on the table. I knew if I didn’t say something, Lua would keep prodding and scare Calvin off.
“If something’s going on, and I’m not saying anything is, it’s our business. Is that okay with you?” My voice held an edge, a defiant tone daring Lua to challenge me.
Lua crossed her arms over her chest. “Whatever. It’s not like anyone cares.”
The tension at the table was suffocating. I couldn’t tell whether Lua was mad at me for standing up to her or for bringing Calvin to lunch in the first place.
After a moment of awkward silence, Dustin raised his hand and said, “Uh, I care. If you guys are a thing now, who the hell am I going to take to prom?”
• • •
I chased Lua down after my last class and offered her a ride home, which she grudgingly accepted. I didn’t know what to say to her. It was especially difficult because I didn’t know why she was so angry at me. And she was definitely angry, because she didn’t even try to change the music on my stereo.
Finally, I said, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“I didn’t think I needed to.”
“I can’t read your mind, Lu.”
Lua shifted in her seat. “When were you going to tell me about Calvin, Ozzie? I thought we told each other everything.”
I braked for a red light. “There’s nothing to tell right now. We fooled around. Once. But I don’t know what, if anything, is going on with Calvin. And why are you even so upset about this? Weren’t you the one who told me I needed to meet people?”
Lua didn’t answer. She pouted instead. The light changed to green and I gunned it off the line.
“Come on, Lua. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but you’ve been so busy and I honestly don’t know what’s happening with me and Calvin. I’m sorry I invited him to eat with us.”
“I don’t care about lunch,” she said, her voice so low that I could barely hear it over the sounds of traffic.
“Then what?”
She flared her nostrils, breathing heavily. Finally, she threw her hands up and said, “You’re mine. You belong to me. For the last six months you’ve been all about finding Tommy and missing Tommy and living in a delusional world where you had this life the rest of us can’t remember. All I wanted was my friend back, but you haven’t come back, you’ve just replaced Tommy with someone else. Someone who isn’t me.”
I hadn’t expected Lua’s words to sting so badly. Not just what she said, but how she said it. There was venom in her voice, and it got into my blood and infected my heart.
“I’m not replacing anyone,” I said. “You’re still my best friend.”
“Right.”
“You are!” I couldn’t have this conversation and drive at the same time, so I pulled into a gas station and parked in front of the coin-operated vacuum. I unbuckled my seat belt and faced Lua, looking her in the eyes.
“Listen, I’m sorry about Tommy. I mean, I’m not sorry—even if no one else in the world believes he’s real, I know he is—but I’m sorry you felt like I was ignoring you.” My thoughts were jumbled, and I knew I was doing a poor job of explaining, but I had to try. “I haven’t replaced Tommy, and I haven’t forgotten about him. I don’t know what this thing with Calvin is. He’s weird—really weird—and maybe I like him, I don’t know, but even if Calvin and I were more than friends, which we’re not, no one—not Tommy, not Calvin—could replace you. You’re my Lua. You will always be my Lua.”
Lua still refused to look at me. I wanted her to scream. I wanted her to yell at me and punch me and throw things at me. Those things might have looked scary to someone on the outside, but she only went nuclear on people she genuinely cared about. But when she was really upset, when she was truly and righteously angry, she cut me off—locked away her emotions and froze me out—and that was scarier than ten collapsing universes.