Chris looked different. Cleaned up. He was wearing a dress shirt, rakishly unbuttoned of course, and a jacket, and his hair looked smooth and shiny. Like a fucking Breck commercial, Lincoln thought. And then, Right, for the rehearsal dinner. And then Lincoln started to laugh. A little. Mostly on the inside.
Because he shouldn’t know that, but he did. And he should hate this guy, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to kill Chris. He wanted to trade places with him. No, he didn’t even want that. If Lincoln had been Beth’s date to the rehearsal dinner tonight, he’d be home with her now. If he were her date to the wedding tomorrow, he’d be counting down the hours until she put on that dress. Until she took it off again.
He laughed again. On the outside.
Chris looked up at Lincoln then, and seemed to recognize him.
“Hey,” Chris said.
Lincoln stopped laughing. Until this moment, he’d believed somehow that he was invisible to Chris. The way he was invisible to Beth. (Except that he wasn’t.) “Hey,” Lincoln said.
“Hey, uh, you wouldn’t have a cigarette, would you?” Chris asked.
Lincoln shook his head. “Sorry.”
Chris nodded and smiled. “I’m unprepared tonight. Nothing to smoke. Nothing to read.” He seemed agitated, too, but he wore it better than Lincoln.
“You can have a section of my paper,” Lincoln said.
“Thanks,” Chris said. He got up and walked over to Lincoln’s booth, leaned against it, and picked up the Entertainment section.
“I missed today’s movie review,” Chris said.
“Movie fan?” Lincoln said dumbly.
“Movie reviewer fan,” Chris said. “My girl, she’s the film critic …Hey, this is tomorrow’s paper.”
“It’s today’s technically … ,” Lincoln said. “I work at The Courier.”
“Maybe you know her, then.”
“I don’t know many people,” Lincoln said. He felt so stiff, he couldn’t believe his mouth was moving. He felt like, if he said the wrong word, he might actually turn to stone. Like he might anyway. “I work nights.”
“You’d know,” Chris said, nodding and looking out the window, agitated again, “you’d know if you knew her. She’s a force. A force to be reckoned with. An act of God, you know?”
“Like a tornado?” Lincoln asked.
Chris laughed. “Sort of,” he said. “I was thinking more … I don’t know what I was thinking, but yeah. She’s …” He patted his chest pocket nervously, then ran his hand through his hair. “You’re single, right? I mean, I never see you at our shows with anyone.”
“Right,” Lincoln said. Not only am I not invisible, I’m visibly alone.
Chris laughed again. It was sharp. Sarcastic. It undid some of the charm of his smile.
“I can’t even remember what that’s like …” He shook his head ruefully, touched his hair again. “It’s this jacket,” Chris said. “I had to take my cigarettes out because you could see them poking out of the pocket. Classy, right? I can’t remember when I’ve gone this long without …You ever smoked?”
“No,” Lincoln said. “Never picked it up.”
“No cigarettes, no girl, you’re living an unencumbered life, my friend.”
“That’s one way to look at it,” Lincoln said, looking hard at the man across from him and wishing for some sort of Freaky Friday miracle right there, right then.
“Oh,” Chris said, abashed. He was pretty enough for that word. “Right,” he said. “I didn’t mean …” He looked down and held out the Entertainment section. “Thanks. For this. I’ll let you go back …Normally, I wouldn’t have bothered …It’s the jacket, you know? I’m not myself.”
Lincoln mustered a smile. Chris stood up.
“I’ll see you,” Chris said, walking back to his booth and dropping a few dollars on the table. “We’re playing Sokol next week, you should say hey if you’re there.”
Lincoln watched Chris walk away and felt himself hoping—really and truly hoping, with the best parts of his heart—that the other man was going home to her.
CHAPTER 65
THERE WAS LESS work than ever in the IT office. The International Strike Force was long gone. Nothing left of them but a stack of blank CDs and a few cigarette burns on the table. “When the fuck did that happen?” Greg asked. Lincoln shrugged. Greg wanted Lincoln to change all the system passwords and shore up the firewalls; he was even issuing new security badges to the whole department.
“Those guys always creeped me out,” Greg said. “Especially the Millard South kid …There’s such a thing as knowing too much about computers.”
Lincoln’s shifts felt decades long.
There was nothing from Beth in the WebFence folder Monday night. Nothing about the wedding. Nothing at all. It was empty Tuesday night, too. And Wednesday.
Lincoln watched for her in the hallways and took long dinner breaks. He saw her byline in the paper, so he knew she was coming to work. He checked the WebFence folder every night, every few hours.
Thursday, empty. Friday, empty. Monday, nothing.
On Monday night, Lincoln walked by Beth’s desk at six o’clock and then again at eight. He brought chicken-leek pie to share with Doris and sat in the break room with her for two hours, talking. Waiting. Doris told him she was going to teach him how to play pinochle. She said she and Paul used to play, and it was a real kick. “I’ve always wanted to learn,” Lincoln said.
On Tuesday, when Beth and Jennifer still hadn’t turned up, he checked the e-discipline file to see if somebody else in IT had sent them a warning. He wondered for a moment if one of the Y2K kids might be responsible. But there wasn’t any sign of it. There were fresh coffee cups on Beth’s desk—she hadn’t disappeared completely.
On Wednesday, when the WebFence folder was empty again, Lincoln felt strangely light. Maybe this was how it was going to end. Not with a humiliating, painful confrontation. Not with self-control and discipline. Maybe he wouldn’t have to make himself stop reading her e-mail. Maybe it would just stop itself.
CHAPTER 66
COULD YOUR BRAIN actually reject information? Like a foreign organ? Doris was trying to teach Lincoln to play pinochle, and the rules were bouncing off his brain. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, that didn’t discourage her. He’d thought about eating at his desk. If he wasn’t trying to run into Beth, he may as well. But that didn’t seem fair to Doris, especially now that his mother sent treats specifically for the other woman. Now that Doris was the one sharing her cake with him.
“Some people just have trouble with games,” she said. “I’ll deal this time.” She did tricks when she shuffled. “Say, do you have big plans this weekend?”
“No,” Lincoln said. He might play D&D. He might play golf with Chuck. One of the other copy editors was having a “Happy New-ish Year” party that Lincoln was invited to. (“We always celebrate holidays a few weeks late,” Chuck had explained. “Those dayside bastards won’t cover for us on holidays.”)
“’Cause I’ve still got that curio cabinet at my old apartment … ,” Doris said. “I told the super I’d have everything out by the thirty-first.”
“Oh, right,” Lincoln said, “sorry. I can come by Saturday afternoon if you want.”
“How about Sunday? I’ve got a date on Saturday.”
Of course she did. Why wouldn’t she?
“Sure,” he said. “Sunday.”
WHILE THEY PLAYED golf, Chuck tried to talk Lincoln into coming to the copy desk party.
“I don’t really like parties,” Lincoln said.
“It won’t be much of a party anyway. Copy editors throw terrible parties.”
“You’re really selling it.”
“Emilie will be there …”
“I thought I heard she was dating somebody.”
“They broke up. Why you don’t like Emilie? She’s adorable.”
“Yeah,” Lincoln said, “she’s cute.”
“She’s adorable,” Chuck sai
d, “and she can recite the complete list of prepositions. And she’s bringing pumpkin bread and Electronic Catch Phrase.”
“It sounds like you like Emilie.”
“Not me. I’m trying to reconcile with my wife. What’s your excuse?”
“I’m sort of …coming off a bad relationship.”
“When did it end?”
“Slightly before it started,” Lincoln said.
Chuck barked a laugh, little bursts of steam breaking the January air.
“Isn’t it too cold to play golf?” Lincoln asked.
“Sunshine gives me a headache,” Chuck said.
LINCOLN DIDN’T CHANGE his mind. He didn’t feel like parties. Or games. Or people.
Three weeks. That’s how long it had been since Beth and Jennifer had turned up in the WebFence folder. This is good, Lincoln told himself. Even if it doesn’t make sense for them to be so quiet. Even if it’s wildly out of character. They’re making it easy for you. Easier.
He decided to rent a movie, Harold and Maude. He hadn’t watched it since high school, and he wanted to watch the scene at the end where Harold drives his Jaguar off a cliff and then starts to play the banjo. He hoped nobody from the newspaper would be at Blockbuster to see him rent Harold and Maude. (Chuck told him that before they knew his name, everyone on the copy desk called Lincoln “Doris’s Boyfriend.”) He almost hid the video box when someone touched his arm.
“Lincoln. Lincoln? Is that you?”
He turned.
The strange thing about seeing someone for the first time in nine years is the way they look totally different, just for a second, a split second, and then they look to you the way they always have, as if no time has passed between you.
Sam looked exactly like Sam. Small. Curly brown hair—a little longer now, not in that all-over-the-place bob that had been popular in college. Wide sparkling eyes, so dark you could hardly see her pupils. Black clothes that looked like she’d bought them out of state. Silver rings on her fingers. A pink necktie tied at her waist like a belt.
She was still touching him. She’d taken hold of both his arms.
“Lincoln!” she said.
Lincoln didn’t move or speak, but he felt like Keanu Reeves in that scene from The Matrix, when he slows down time to dodge a hail of bullets.
“I just can’t believe it’s you.” She squeezed his arms, grabbed the front of his jacket, pressed her palms on his chest. “Oh my God. You look exactly the same.”
She pulled his jacket toward her. He didn’t come with it.
“You even smell the same,” she said, “peaches! I can’t believe it’s you. How are you?” She tugged at his jacket again. “How are you!”
“I’m good,” he said. “Just fine.”
“It’s kismet that I’m running into you,” Sam said. “I just moved back last month, and I’ve been thinking about you every day. I don’t think I have a memory of this city that doesn’t include you. Every time I go to my folks’ house or get on the freeway, my head’s like, ‘Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln.’ God, it’s good to see you. How are you? Really? I mean, the last I heard, well …” She made a sad face. She touched his arms, his shoulders, his chin. “But that was years ago …How are you? How are you now? Tell me everything!”
“Oh, you know,” he said. “I’m here. Working. I mean, I work. With computers. Not here-here. Around.” What else could he say? That he still lived with his mom? That he was renting a movie that he’d probably watched with Sam the first time? That she was the Jaguar he needed to drive off the cliff?
Except she wasn’t. Was she?
Lincoln felt a surge of something like strength. He set down Harold and Maude, surreptitiously, and picked up something else, Hairspray.
“What about you?” he asked. “What brought you back?”
“Oh God.” Sam rolled her eyes, like it would take three hours and a Greek chorus to explain. “Work. Family. I came back because I wanted my boys to get to know their grandparents. Can you believe I’m a mom? God! And there’s this job at the Playhouse. In development, fund-raising, you know, making rich people feel important. Behind the scenes, but not off the stage. I don’t know, it’s a big change. A big risk. Liam is staying in Dublin for six months just in case this isn’t a good move. Did you know I’ve been in Dublin?”
“Dublin,” Lincoln said. “With Liam. Your husband?”
“As such,” Sam said, making another it’s-an-unbearably-long-story gesture. “I swore I’d never marry another man with a foreign passport. Once bitten, et cetera.” She said it in three hard syllables. Et-cet-ra. Her hands, small with perfectly manicured pink nails, flew around as she talked but kept landing on Lincoln’s chest and arm.
“I’ll tell you the whole adventure sometime,” she said to him, “sometime soon. We have to catch up. I’ve always felt that two people who shared as much as we did and shared such important years should never have drifted apart.” Her voice dropped intimately. From stage to screen. “It just isn’t right.
“I’ve got an idea,” she said, holding on to his jacket with both hands and standing on tiptoe, leaning into him. He mentally leaned back. “What are you doing right now?”
“Right now?” he asked.
“We’ll go to Fenwick’s and eat banana ice cream. And you’ll tell me just everything.”
“Everything,” he said, trying to imagine what part of everything he’d ever want to tell Sam.
“Everything!” she said, tipping toward him. She smelled like gardenias. Plus something muskier, gardenias with carnal knowledge.
“Fenwick’s closed a few years ago,” he said.
“Then we’ll just have to get in the car and keep driving until we find banana ice cream. Which way should we go,” she asked, laughing, “toward Austin? Or Fargo?”
“I can’t,” he said. “I can’t. Not tonight. I have a …a thing.”
“A thing?” she asked, resting back on her heels.
“A party,” he said.
“Oh,” she said. Then she was digging in her black velvet purse. It had a bone-colored handle that looked like ivory. “Here,” she said, pressing something into his palm. “Here’s my card. Call me. Call me yesterday, Lincoln, I’m serious.”
She made a serious face. He nodded and held on to the card.
“Lincoln,” she said, all knowing smile and heavy eyelashes. She held on to his shoulders and kissed him quickly on both cheeks. “Kismet!”
And then she was walking away. The soles of her high heels were pink. She didn’t even rent a movie.
And Lincoln …Lincoln was still standing.
CHAPTER 67
HE DIDN’T RENT Hairspray or Harold and Maude.
A few minutes after Sam left, after standing dumbly for a while in the Hs, Lincoln decided he didn’t feel like going home anymore. He didn’t feel like sitting still or being quiet. He left the Blockbuster empty-handed and stopped just outside to toss Sam’s business card into the trash. It wasn’t a terribly meaningful gesture; he knew where Sam worked, and he still her knew her parents’ phone number by heart. And then Lincoln took out his wallet and found Beth’s e-mail about him, the one with the phrase “trying not to bite his shoulder.” He read it again. And again. One more time. Then he crumpled it into a tight ball and threw it away.
And then …he went to a party. The Newish Year’s party. Chuck had given him a flyer, and Lincoln was pretty sure it was still in his car. When he dug around for it in the backseat, he noticed that his hands were trembling. That’s OK, he thought. Still standing. When he was parallel parking in front of Chuck’s house, he caught himself grinning in the rearview mirror.
The party was already in full roar when he walked in.
Lilliputian Emilie was there with her pumpkin bread, and Lincoln didn’t steer clear. He didn’t want to. Emilie was perfectly nice, and she thought all of his jokes were funny—which actually made him tell funnier jokes, because he didn’t have to worry about no one laughing. And also, she made
him feel eight feet tall. Which is a very good feeling, there’s no getting around it.
He kicked ass at Electronic Catch Phrase.
He drank Shirley Temples.
He brought the house down during 1999 charades with a two-minute, completely silent reenactment of The Sixth Sense. “When you mimed the ring falling on the ground,” Chuck said, applauding, “I forgot that I already knew you were dead.”
And when the clock struck midnight—it was a VCR clock, and it didn’t strike so much as blink—Lincoln kissed Emilie on the cheek. That immediately seemed like a mistake, so he grabbed the crazy-eyed paste-up artist and kissed her, too. Which seemed like a bigger mistake. He quickly kissed every other girl standing in his reach, including Danielle the copy desk chief, two women he’d never met before, Chuck’s estranged wife, and finally Chuck himself.
Then everyone sang “Auld Lang Syne.” Lincoln was the only one who knew any lyrics beyond “should auld acquaintance be forgot” and the chorus. He belted them out in a clear tenor:
We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne …
CHAPTER 68
WHEN LINCOLN WOKE up, it was snowing. He was supposed to meet Doris at her apartment at ten, but he didn’t get there until ten fifteen. He had to park a few blocks away, in front of a bakery. He wished he had time to go in.
There weren’t many neighborhoods like this in town. A nice mix of old, expensive houses, big brick apartment buildings, and trendy shops and restaurants. Doris’s building was yellow brick—four stories, with a courtyard and a small fountain.
Lincoln ran up her front steps, brushing the snow off his hair, and pressed the button by her name.
She buzzed him in. “I’m on the third floor,” she yelled down. “Come on up.” It smelled good in the stairwell. Dusty. Old. Lincoln wondered how Doris had made it up all these stairs every day with her bad knee. She was waiting for him in her doorway.