Chapter 14
Charlie and I were a strange couple. Whenever we were together, I felt like we were trying to approximate the way normal couples acted—kissing, holding hands, exchanging whispers—but of course we weren’t normal. I knew that from the way Mom acted with Kent, the way I’d seen her interact with other boyfriends. There was something off, but to be honest I didn’t worry too much about figuring out what it was.
The most curious thing was that my life was going great in so many ways, and yet I felt like I was still under more stress than ever. Auburn was scheduled for our first paid performance, I had a boyfriend, and the songs I was writing began to lose a lot of the plaintive tone they’d had before… And yet, there was Jessica, always waiting in the wings to bring me down.
I was being paranoid, and I knew it. Her life didn’t revolve around hurting me. But a lot of it seemed to. The simple knowledge that someone in my own little corner of the world had taken it upon herself to make my life so hard was difficult to process.
But Charlie helped. He kept telling me to focus on the things that were getting better, instead of what was outside of my control. We didn’t go on many dates, or at least what I tended to think of as dates; most of the time we spent alone together we were going on walks after band practice, or hanging out at the park a few blocks down the road.
Night had fallen like a sudden shroud, taking over the world before we had time to recognize the impending darkness. I was sitting beside Charlie on a wooden park bench, looking at the empty monkey bars and swing sets and wondering whether I should have brought a jacket. Sometimes we didn’t stay out for long, but sometimes our talks lasted long into the night.
“You excited for Cat’s Cradle next week?” Charlie asked. His blonde hair had been growing out longer; it looked slightly rumpled, as if he’d woken up with the perfect case of bed-head. I remember thinking that the way he looked, he could easily be gracing the covers of magazines.
“Yeah, I guess so. I think we’re ready for it.”
For a moment, the creaking of swings lifted by a light breeze was the only sound. Charlie reached out and touched my shoulder. “Aren’t you glad we didn’t name the band Shut Up Jessica? Can you imagine how people would react to that?” When I looked at him, he was wearing a silly half-grin.
“Mhm, especially anyone who happened to be named Jessica. So we’d pretty much be cutting out half of our fan base right there.” I may not have thought we were a normal couple, but we did enjoy a level of joking beyond our old friendship. Dating had brought us closer on that front.
“Oh? Have you been going to a Jessica support group or something?”
I giggled, trying to imagine what that would look like. Realistically, they wouldn’t all be scheming bitches. “God no. I can’t even handle one Jessica.” Even though I meant it as a joke, it came out serious.
Charlie dropped his joking tone, too. “Yes you can,” he said. “In your own way, I think you handle her better than anybody else could. She just hates you because she wants to be you, you know.”
“Yeah, right.” I let out a sarcastic laugh and rolled my eyes, for extra emphasis. I’d heard that theory before, in different forms and at different times, and I just didn’t believe it.
“It’s true.” He shifted on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. “Look, she wishes she could stand for something. Her personality is as boring as vanilla yogurt. You stand for something. You have goals, and she doesn’t.”
“But all I stand for is myself.” I didn’t like contradicting Charlie, but he was wrong. On some level, I knew I wasn’t right either, but my truth made more sense than his.
Charlie sighed and looked away, toward the plastic swing set that was still creaking. “I think that you are something worth standing for, Ash. Who you are, what you do. You stand for standing out, for working for your dreams. Jessica doesn’t have that. Hell, her life is going to be so boring that I can already tell you how it ends. Wanna hear?”
Before I could answer, he’d taken both of my hands in his and continued, “She graduates high school, goes to college, gets married somewhere in between. The man she marries isn’t anything special, but he isn’t terrible either. He’s average in every way. They pretend to fall in love, and they have average little kids who repeat the cycle all over.”
“But not me?” I couldn’t help asking.
“Not you, not us. We break the cycle, we stand for something. You’re special in a way that Jessica can’t take away.” He shook his head. “That’s why she hates you. On some level, so deep that even she might not be aware of it, she’s worried about her average life. She wishes she had the guts to reach out and try for something better. The guts that we have. This Auburn adventure may crash and burn, it may turn out to all be for nothing. But at the end of all that, at least we can say we tried. If the world chews us up and spits us out, we can still say that we did that much.”
“If the world chews me up, I hope I give it indigestion.” I meant it seriously, but both Charlie and I ended up laughing.
When we stopped, he looked at me, his green eyes staring deep into mine. “The world isn’t going to chew us up. You, or me, or Joey. Whatever happens in our lives will never be anything more than a temporary setback. A stepping stone on our paths to greatness. Ash, when we play… I dunno, when we’re performing I feel like we can do anything. I know I’m doing a bad job of explaining myself, but I just have this feeling right now, like…“
His words were electric. No, not his words… The ideas behind them. A philosophy that made me want to cry, the idea that I meant something, that I could mean something. That we all could. Before he’d found a way to continue, I moved forward, closing my eyes and pressing my lips to his.
We’d shared one or two kisses before, but this kiss was something else. Not merely a physical or emotional connection, but a soulful one. I felt like I finally knew what it was like to love. And not love in the puppy-dog, I just want to be with you way. Charlie was my closest friend, in a way I didn’t think Joey could ever be, and though sometimes I wasn’t sure I understood him, he seemed to understand me completely.
Charlie’s arms wrapped me in a hug, and even though he broke the kiss after a few seconds he kept holding me close. “Well, I guess…” he said, “I guess… Um, sorry, I’m trying to figure out what to say.”
“That’s okay. We can just be quiet for a while.” There was a weird empty feeling after that kiss. I assumed it was because they never show what happens after the rousing speech on TV. The heroine kisses the hero, and the scene fades to black. Our scene didn’t fade to black; we just sat there holding each other for a while.
On the outside, I didn’t say much, but my thoughts were running wild. Processing what Charlie had said, the way I felt about him, and oddly the way I felt about Jessica too. I realized that I pitied her in a way. If Charlie’s assessment was right, I’d choose my life over hers any day of the week.
I’m finally alive, I thought. That’s what I feel like right now. I’m finally alive. I jumped to my feet. “Pen! Pen, I need a pen!”
Charlie cocked his head in obvious confusion. “Um, I have one at home if you want to…”
“No, I need one now!” Realizing no pen would make itself available, I chose the next best option; a stray twig and nearby sandbox. I fell to my hands and knees, ignoring the grains pressing against them. Before the lyrics could leave my mind, I’d written them in six-inch-tall letters:
How can I describe it?
I cannot deny this
Feeling inside
It’s like I’m finally alive
Despite his continuing confusion, Charlie walked over to join me. “Finally alive,” he read. “Are those… Is that a song?”
“Yeah, it’s a new one. I’m thinking it should be called Head Over Heels.” With the words out of my head and in the sand, I suddenly felt awkward. Was I verging on insanity, to ruin a perfectly good moment with my feeble attempts at song-writing? A
t the very least, I should have thought to use my phone so that I could take the lyrics home with me.
Charlie only made it worse, standing expressionless against the pale moonlight. “I like it,” he finally said. “We could expand it into a chorus or something. It would be good to have a song in our repertoire that wasn’t all gloomy.”
I’d ruined the moment, that much was clear. Not intentionally, but I’d done it all the same. Changed the subject back to music, forced Charlie from a boyfriend into the role of bandmate. “Yeah, I agree. I, um… I guess I kinda want to write it out by myself, though. If that’s okay. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t forget these lyrics.”
“Oh, no worries. I understand.”
I wish I could say we found our way back to the moment that night. I wish I could say that we didn’t leave soon after, that I didn’t creak open the door of my home and sneak down into the basement to finish writing the lyrics for Head Over Heels.
But I’d be lying.