Chapter Five
A Valkyrie, A Paladin, And An Archer Walked Into A Bar...
I took my turn steering the covered wagon as my horse followed tied to the back. Ahead of the covered wagon, Foi, Amabilidad, Lyge, and Jisei rode horses while Frieden rode a horse-reptilian called a Pferd-crawler some distance behind the wagon. Pferd-crawlers looked like a large horse with a mane, but they had six massive legs, fangs, and claws instead of hooves. Frieden and I were the only ones the Pferd-crawler would let near it. Frieden named it Ort for all the white spots that covered its black hide, and Amabilidad often made fun of him for it. Frieden was a member of the Wuste Race who were blonde, large, muscular brutes who lived in the desert. The Wuste Race had no natural born magical abilities, so they often joined non-magical weapon class schools. Frieden belonged to the Rau Clan, one of the fiercest of the Wuste Race. It was a tradition of the Rau Clan that young Wuste braved the barren wastelands of their homeland and capture a Pferd-crawler youngling and become master over the savage beast. Many a Wuste youth lost limb or life to this archaic tradition. Jisei claimed that my Valkyrie Charm was the reason I was able to draw near Ort, but Frieden told me that wasn't so. The Pferd-crawlers were chosen for this tradition because they were immune to any such magical charms and enchantments that controlled animals. The Wuste youths had to use their wits and brawn to subdue the beasts. Frieden told me he wasn't sure why Ort didn't bite my head off when I neared him for the Pferd-crawler had already killed on three other occasions. I told the barbarian it was because we had become friends.
Frieden had laughed at the notion and told me, “Pferd-crawlers make no friends of people; they only make meals of them.”
The sky pushed us along with wind and rain toward Brahaigne Valley. We wore rain gear and moved at a snail's pace for the muck and poor visibility. As the day went on, the rain warmed only slightly and decreased its assault on us enough that we could quicken our speed to make up for lost time. I would be grateful once we left the damp area.
Elephant-sized Sludge Frogs croaked around us as we entered the Region of Lakes. Giant lily pads littered the waters along with a few dozen frogs resting on them and watching us as if we were tasty flies. Jisei cast a spell of calming on the amphibians and a chameleon spell on us, and the frogs never bothered us. The terrain slowly changed from the mucky lake region to the rocky barren lands. The rains lessened and the humidity dropped till the area was dry and cold as the bones of a Frost Vulture. Bountiful cumulus clouds were replaced by stingy stratus clouds, and the dreariness that had been brought on by the constant rain was replaced by a hopeless hollowness caused by the bleakness of the lifeless area.
We made camp at Dead Stump Ridge that was near a cliff overlooking the desolate Brahaigne Valley, a dale of large misshapen and jagged rocks. We laid out our rain gear to dry then set about to make camp. The sun started its descent as I lit a fire with my Fotia magic and hung a kettle pot for stew. Frieden tended to the riding animals as Amabilidad unhooked the covered wagon's heavy horse called Flemish and then gathered wood for me. Jisei restocked healing potions in everyone's bags and added manna potions to Foi, her own, and my bag, and then she meditated, storing up her manna to its limits. Foi set up a few torches around a flat rock that was at table height and laid out the map Duke Vindex gave him of the region. He and Lyge looked it over as the necromancer motioned to a few points of interest; Foi rolled out a map of the fortress over it and then the dungeon keep over top of the second one. The maps included details of the dungeon keep's levels that went underground and the areas around the ten columns but had little information on the fortress. A few hours went by and the sun dipped beyond sight, allowing darkness to lay siege. We gathered around the maps before we ate so Foi could lay out his plan, and we looked on under torch light.
“Before you continue,” Jisei said to the paladin. “Can you explain what a dungeon keep fortress is? I know what a dungeon is; one kind holds prisoners while the other is a place that holds treasure and/or monsters. I know the second one well because I have cleared many of them with all of you on our quests.”
Foi replied, “A dungeon keep is the innermost and strongest part of a structure and always underground, where in most cases, the residents retreat to if an attacker breaches the upper structure's defenses. The dungeon keep can be as vast as the dungeons we have cleared or as small as a single room. This one is huge and also holds the support columns for the upper structure,” he finished answering her, then pointed to the second map, and said, “We shall all go into the catacombs of the dungeon keep. We shall enter through an old lava flow tunnel here and once we reach the catacombs, Jisei, you shall position yourself here at the bottom of the spiraling staircase that leads up to the main fortress and guard our retreat. Jisei, you shall also set up protection spells for everyone.”
“Do I need to set up spells for you, Lyge?” she questioned.
The necromancer answered, “No, I shall use my own magic.”
Foi continued, “The rest of us shall go to our assigned column and set the pyroworm nit. When that is done, we shall all meet back with Jisei and once we have all gathered, we shall leave through the lava flow tunnel. Once we are outside and a safe distance away, Lyge shall use his magic, detonate the pyroworm nits, and bring down the fortress and the evil reign of the dragon-harpy. Are there any questions?”
Amabilidad asked, “If something goes wrong, what's our backup plan?”
“At the town before Lame Pony, Jisei was able to procure Companion Wisps. She shall command one of them to go with each of us–” Foi replied, “–and if something should go wrong, I shall relay instructions through the wisps.”
“If it is all right with you, Foi,” I started. “I'll add an observant-eye spell to the Companion Wisps, so that I can also monitor what each of the group is doing.”
“Proceed,” Foi told me.
“I'm going to have an annoying fairy-thingy buzzing about my head,” Amabilidad complained. “Why not set my hair on fire while you're at it?”
Jisei said, “That can be arranged.”
I nudged the archer and whispered, “See, she does like you.”
“I believe your definition of like is far different than mine,” Amabilidad whispered back.
“That is all for tonight,” Foi stated. “Let us eat and then sleep. We rise before the sun on the morrow.”
They went and sat around the fire as I gave each of them a tin plate piled with stew and once I had given each their own, I grabbed mine and sat between Jisei and the necromancer.
Lyge questioned me, “How long have you been together?”
I replied, “Foi, Amabilidad, and I have been together five years now.”
Lyge asked, “How did you meet?”
“That's a great story, and one that will explain why Amabi and I have made a pledge,” I spoke. “It was mid-Kafto Season, and I was still a solo-adventurer for hire when...”
Five years earlier...
Holding a full mug of ale, I stood at the bar of the Chimera's Tale Tavern. A knight, a crossbowman, and a thief were with me, and each of the men were drinking down their own choice spirits. Evening's twilight neared, and folks stopping by for a bite to eat, half-filled the tavern.
The knight leaned to me and spoke, “The thief has found our bounty, an archer named Amabilidad.” The knight motioned with his head as he told me, “He's the one over in the back corner with the two barmaids.”
I took a quick glance and then questioned, “This is the archer the baron wants us to capture and bring before him?”
The knight answered, “The baron has changed his request; he wants us to kill him and bring his head instead.”
I set down my untouched ale and told the knight, “I don't do assassinations.”
“We've already been paid,” the knight said. “You can't back out now or your head will join his.”
I started to protest when a paladin walked in.
r /> Foi saw his brother in the back corner and walked over to him, his metal armor clanging as he went. Foi spoke with a firm voice, “Is this where you have been? Father wants you to return to the castle.”
A half dozen empty mugs littered the table of the booth the archer sat at. A blonde human barmaid sat to his right and a black furred faun sat to his left, and they were as tall as him. Both clung to Amabilidad and his every word as if gold rolled out of his mouth. Amabilidad questioned with a slur, “And why should I do that? All I want is right here.” He reached down and patted the bottoms of the barmaids.
“You are drunk!” Foi yelled.
“I'm not drunk,” Amabilidad slurred as he spilled a bottle of wine when he tried to pick it up. He lifted it to his mouth, took a swig, and then said, “I'm merely intoxicated with the beauty of both of these ladies.” Amabilidad stood, nearly falling over the faun barmaid and walked to a table in the middle of the tavern. The barmaid, he nearly fell over, followed.
“Father is worried about you, and he wants you to come home,” Foi shouted after his brother and then followed him to the table. “He is sorry...”
Amabilidad interrupted, “Sorry?” He slammed his fist on the table and caused a few patrons to turn their way. “He called me a bastard to my face!” Amabilidad slumped down in a chair. “I'm his bastard!” He mumbled in despair, “I'm his bastard...” The archer shook his head and then said, “You go back to him and tell him if he wants to apologize to me, he can come here himself.”
The faun barmaid sat next to the archer as Foi put his hand on his brother's shoulder and spoke, “You should not be here, and you should not be drinking. Come back with me, father wants...”
“He might be your father, but he was never a father to me! He has you, the perfect son! The son who became a paladin. All I could be was an archer. No, you go back; you tell him I found my place in this wretched world.” Amabilidad put his arm around the faun barmaid and then he said, “We're to be married, and we're going to have lots of children.” He eyed the barmaid and asked, “What are you again?”
“I'm a Largus Woodland Faun. I told you we're the tallest of the fauns, that we...”
“Right, right,” Amabilidad stammered as he interrupted. “We're going to have lots of hoodland faun children, so you can't drag me back home. I'm going to be a responsible husband and father.” He turned to the barmaid with adoring eyes, placed a hand on the faun's, and said, “I'll find us a cottage, farm and hunt the land, and make a proper wife of you, whatever your name is.”
Foi sat across from his brother and before he could say anything, I walked over and sat next to the paladin as I kept an eye on the men from my own group.
“Not with him you won't,” I told the archer.
Amabilidad spat, “Who are you, woman, and why are you butting in on our conversation?”
The paladin turned to me and questioned, “You said him? Who do you speak of?”
Amabilidad got louder, “Hey, I'm the one interrogating this fine specimen of a female human. Look at the muscles on you! Wow! You must be in great shape. Do you work out a lot? How about making babies with me?”
“Have you already dumped your future wife?” Foi asked.
“No... No... I would never...” Amabilidad turned to the faun and told the barmaid, “I would never leave you for another woman.”
The knight, crossbowman, and thief moved, surrounding the three of us as a few people left the tavern, seeing a fight might break out.
Foi noticed them as he repeated, “You said him before, what did you mean?”
I replied, “I did, but before we get into that, we should probably deal with your other problem.”
“And how do I know I can trust you?” Foi asked.
“That's right!” Amabilidad shouted in more of a stupor. “Trust no woman!” He put his head down on the table and mumbled, “Especially ones who tell you that they love you.” He started snoring.
Foi continued, “How do I know you are not working with these gentlemen?”
“Actually, I am working with them,” I told him as I stood and drew my sword. He also stood, drawing his ready to engage me, then I winked at the paladin and said, “But let's say I gave them the old heave-ho.” I placed my sword in the hand that held my shield, removed my efficiency knife, and threw it at the crossbowman before he fired, embedding the blade in his left arm.
The crossbowman shot as he yelped in pain and then grabbed at the blade. The bolt sped for my head, but I deflected it with my shield. I grabbed my sword with my right hand, jumped to the table, and ran at the knight. Foi turned on the thief as he charged him. The thief paused, seeing the crossbowman was out of commission and that I had switched sides. He waited to see how the knight would fair. I lifted my sword arm to call forth Fotia Fire but decided against it since we were inside. The knight swung his sword, and I blocked it with my shield and countered with a thrust of my blade. He blocked it with his blade and rammed into me with his shield. The knight expected to knock me back a few feet with his brute force, but it was like he hit a stone wall. He pressed forward but couldn't budge me as his feet lost ground with his effort. The knight stepped back and sized up the situation.
“We're leaving!” he finally shouted. “And I won't forget this, valkyrie. No, I won't forget this.”
The knight, crossbowman, and thief left, then Foi walked over to me and said, “And I won't forget this.” He glanced back at his brother. “He slept through the whole thing. How do I wake him? I am not accustomed to dealing with drunks.”
“I am, and I have an idea,” I told him. “Let's go outside.”
The faun barmaid followed us out as I took the half asleep archer and dunked his head in a water trough several times. “Here we go,” I spoke. “Time to wake up.” I did this until the archer flailed about.
Amabilidad cursed at us, “Arwe Thistles! Let go of me! Let go of me, or I'll swear I'll pluck out your eyes!” He wiped water from his face and then shook his hands, flinging water from his fingers.
“You are coming with me,” Foi told him.
“No, you can't drag me away from my woman.” Amabilidad held out his hand, and the faun took it as the archer said, “We're to be married. I might not be a paladin, but I can be a good husband and father.”
“Umm...” I started. “There's something you should know, archer.”
“What's that?”
“I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'll put it bluntly,” I said with a hint of contained laughter. “Your fiancee is a billy.”
Amabilidad stared at me a few seconds as if I had spoken in an unknown language, and then he inquired, “What's that?”
Foi leaned to the archer and whispered, and Amabilidad's eyes widened as if his manhood had been sheared off.
Amabilidad turned to the faun and uttered, “You're a dude?!” He yanked his hand away. “You're a dude?!” Amabilidad stared at the faun for a long time and then went and dunked his own head in the trough. He shook his head as if he were a dog ridding himself of water and looked again at the faun. Droplets fell from his face and hair as if they counted the passing of centuries. Finally after what seemed like an entire eon had passed, Amabilidad turned to his brother and said, “We can go now.” He walked off in one direction, then turned, started in a different direction, and headed for home. “We shouldn't keep father waiting.”
I asked, “What about your would-be wife?”
“I don't know what you're talking about,” Amabilidad answered over his shoulder.
The faun started to cry as Foi followed after his brother, and I followed them.
After a few moments, Amabilidad stated, “And this matter that I know nothing about is never to be spoken of again.” He glared at his brother and questioned, “Do you understand me?”
Foi replied, “You shall never hear of this from me.”
The present...
At Dead St
ump Ridge...
“And that's how I met Foi and Amabi,” I chuckled as I told the necromancer.
Amabilidad grumbled, “You tell this story to almost everyone we meet; my shame's no secret.”
Frieden bent over as he grabbed his gut and let out a loud barbarian belly-laugh as he uttered, “Archer... marry... hoodland children... billy...” He laughed so hard Frieden nearly fell off his seat.
“Why are you laughing?” Amabilidad questioned. “You have heard this more than two dozen times.”
Frieden replied, “It gets better every time she tells it.”
“What pledge did you and the archer make?” Lyge questioned.
“We pledged to never drink again.”
“I see why he pledged that, but why did you?” Lyge asked.
“Me, well...” I picked up a stick and drew circles in the sand before I said, “I'm what you call a mean drunk, so me and Amabi both swore off the spirits.”
Lyge laughed as he said, “That was a good story. You must tell me how you met the priestess and the barbarian if their tale is anything like the archer's.”
“It's different, but you may still enjoy it,” I replied and then I began, “It was a year later that I met Jisei and Frieden. I met the barbarian the day after I had met the priestess. I had returned her clo–” I noticed that Jisei glared at me; her stare's intensity was hotter than the campfire on my face, and I thought I saw the green jewel of her staff glint with anger, so I changed her story from clothes to, “–items, yes I returned her items a thief had stolen, and we headed to town together the next day. I was a few days early to meet Foi and Amabi, so I continued with the priestess as she went to report in. Jisei and I entered the region of the Mizu Race as we headed for Jisei's temple-eki in the Town of Hasu Machi. Jisei was of the Mizu Race, and I have always loved the color of her hair and her eyes... they're like looking into the dark of night.” I turned to her and saw that she was blushing; Jisei always hated when I drew attention to her. I placed a hand on hers as she sat next to me and then I added, “I might not act it at times, but I also admire the hidden strength she wields like a well-balanced katana.” Jisei slightly smiled, but then quickly hid it. She was so cute when she was modest. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and give her a big valkyrie hug, but I refrained, knowing it would only upset her. I moved my hand from hers, put a finger to my chin, and said, “Where to begin our tale?”