I see her stumble forward, laughing. She is drunk, too. Her black mini- skirt is riding up her ripped, fishnet-covered thigh. “Go to Hell!” I shove past Randy. My stomach clenches as Tyler grabs her elbow, steadying her. She throws her head back in a laugh, and pats him on the chest. I need to break this up before she does something I will regret.
“Barbie.” I call as I make my way to her. She spins around, her hair whipping around her. She reminds me of a wild fairy that you see on postcards. I grab her other unoccupied elbow to lead her away. “Why don’t I take you home?” I suggest in a low voice.
“Why don’t you go home?” Tyler snarls.
“Why don’t you go to Hell?” I clench my fist.
“Don’t you get it loser? She doesn’t want you anymore. She came to find herself a real man,” Tyler smiles, taunting me. I raise my clenched fist, but before I can punch him in the face, Barbie bursts out laughing, pointing to me and then to Tyler,
“You are just like Darth Vader,” she pokes Tyler in the chest. I have to admit I fall a little bit more in love with her at that moment. But then she turns to me. “And you are like that little green guy.” She is laughing so hard that she to hold onto both mine and Tyler’s shoulders for support.
Ouch. That did hurt. “Okay, let’s get you out of here,” I wrap my arm around her waist.
She straightens up. “Who do you think you are? My father? Well, let me tell you something, Buster…” she shoves me. She is strong for a girl, making me stumble backward. “That asshole bailed on me when I was a baby. I ain’t looking for a new daddy. Got it?” She turns to leave. She drinks the remainder of her drink before dropping it to the floor. “Let’s dance,” she yells, throwing her hands in the air, and shaking her head from side to side.
I spend the next two hours watching her dance with Tyler who feeds her cup after cup of beer. I know I am now just a stalker but I am not going to let Tyler get what he thinks she is going to give him. This sucks. I hate seeing him touch her. But if I leave her, I know what will happen. So, I can’t. Barbie stumbles and I go rigid, but Tyler catches her and leads her over to a love seat. He makes a couple in a heavy petting contest get up and take their game of who can hold their breaths longer go elsewhere. I make my way over. I am tempted to throw her over my shoulder while beating on my chest to take her away. Bracing for a fight, I tell Tyler, “I am taking her home.” He looks up at me blinking, and then shrugs. “She is too sloppy anyway. I like them tipsy but not this tipsy. They have to be able to remember me and tell their friends just how amazing I was.” He gets up, and I want to deck him. He blends into the crowd. Looking for a new willing victim.
“Come on, Angel,” I reach down to take her hand.
“No.” she swats my hand away. “You think you are so much better than me.” Her red-rimmed eyes narrow into slits. “Well…well…you are.” she crumples into herself and begins to sob. I pick her up. She doesn’t fight me this time. She grabs a fistful of my shirt and sobs into it. I hold her tighter.
Roxie and Third are in the kitchen. When Barbie sees Third, she sobs and wiggles out of my arms to get away from me. She wraps her arms around his neck like he is her savior. Jealousy flares in my chest.
“Hey. Hey,” he soothes her, patting down her hair. “It’s okay.”
She shakes her head, buried in his meaty arms. Her friend shoots me a death glare. “What did you do to her?” she snarls.
“Nothing.” I don’t want to piss her off anymore, so I avoid her eyes. I can barely make out Barbie’s words over the party noise.
“I lost him forever. No one will ever love me.”
Third wraps his arm around her waist, supporting her. “Nah, it’s not that bad Bee,” he coos to her. My chest burns with an ache for her to confess these deep wounds to me, for me to be her confidant.
“I can never be with him. I am just too fucked up,” and she collapses. Third picks her up like she is a doll.
“Okay. I got you now.” He looks at me, hatred burns in his eyes. The feeling is so mutual.
“Let’s get her out of here.” Roxie says by his side.
I follow them outside, “I will take her,” I manage, my voice breaking.
“Yeah. I don’t think so, pervert! Who knows what things you will try to do to her in this state? Besides, doesn’t your new girlfriend need you back inside?” Venom drips in her words. Who the hell does this girl think she is?
“I am not going to hurt her!” I seethe. “I would never hurt her.” We glare at each other.
“Where are you parked?” Third asks, not making eye contact with me.
“What?” Roxie shrieks. “You cannot be serious.”
“Right over here.” I lead them to my truck and open the passenger side door.
Third slides her in. She grips his shirt tightly. “I love him, Third.”
Third reaches over and buckles her up. “I know you do, Bee.” He shuts the door and finally looks at me. For some reason, I can’t make eye contact with him. I stare at my shoes. “She is pretty screwed up.” We both knew that. “She deserves better.” Another obvious statement.
“I know that.” Now I look up at him. His blue eyes are trying to read me. I am not sure what to say, so I just nod as if to thank him.
“I didn’t do this for you, you know”
Roxie has her arms across her chest, but she doesn’t object as I drive off. I need to take care of Barbie.
I drive around aimlessly, not knowing where to go. I first thought about taking her back to my house. But how would I sneak a drunken girl up the stairs without being caught? Mom has been hyper- aware of my doings since she caught me and Katie in that awkward moment. So I just drive. Barbie is curled into a ball, leaning against the window. Every once in a while, she lets out a little whimper, tears slipping through her closed eyelids. I reach out to try to comfort her, but bring my hand back and hold on tightly to the steering wheel. Somewhere between Colorado and Roosevelt Street, she starts to talk again.
“I just want to be good enough for him.” She must still think she is talking to Third . I don’t know what to say. “He deserves better.” I can no longer remain silent.
“Barbie, you are good enough. Actually you are better than me.” I think about how she took care of Third or the way she is so patient with Everett. Although I know nothing about her home, I have a feeling it is pretty screwed up. She faces all of this. She does not have it any easier at school. Names are whispered behind her back. No friends. I might not have a lot, but I always had Third to confide in. Who does she have? I could not face that every day. She is the strongest person I know.
She shakes her head. “I cannot compete with her. She is smart, and pretty. She has perfect hair.” She sobs again, louder.
“No. You are all of those things, and much more.”
I pull over into the park that I dropped Barbie and Everett off at before, and put my truck into park. “You are so much more, Barbie.” I unbuckle and scoot across the bench seat to pull her into my arms. I want to make everything better for her. I want to take away my harsh words from her. I want to make us better. “But she has perfect, natural red hair.” She looks up at me with watery, reddened eyes.
“But you have this long blond hair that you don’t mind if I mess up.” I lace my finger in it.
She hiccups. “God, I want to mess up your hair,” I say. “And these lips that drive me crazy and you smell like cotton candy. I love cotton candy,” I tell her.
“I like cotton candy, too.” She hiccups before cuddling into my side. I run my finger over her shoulder loving the feel of her soft skin. Are all girls this soft? Her breathing slows down to an even beat and I love the sound of it. Maybe we can fix this.
Chapter 28.
Serenity
3:29. the green numbers blink at me. I stiffen for a moment wondering whose car I am in. Whose arms I’m wrapped in? The smell of fresh cut grass and his shampoo fill the cab. He holds me close t
o his chest. His breathing is heavy. I want to stay with him, let him hold me. Let this feeling of happiness hold me. I can’t, it is false. He felt guilty for the downward spiral he saw me take.
I will never be a part of his life we are too different, too much hurt has passed between us. I sit up letting his hand drop behind me, he moans. I slip out of his lap, and carefully open the door to his truck. We are parked on the side of a seven eleven. My head pounds. I was stupid last night I let my emotion get the best of me. I let Tyler fill we with a false sense of serenity. I am stronger than that.
Dylan does not try to talk to me at school the following Monday. It was as if nothing happened that night. His arm is draped over Katie’s shoulders. A stab of pain runs through me.
“You are staring.”
I slam my locker shut. “I am not,” I protest.
“Yeah, then how come you look like you are about to ball?” Roxie asks. “Screw this; it’s time for some hair braiding and gut spilling.” She pulls me in to the nearest bathroom.
“But you said…”
She shakes her head. “I know what I said Barbie there is something you should know about me. I am a pathological liar,” she says no remorse in her tone. “Now spill.”
I take a deep breath, “I still care about him. It is driving me crazy. The other day when I woke up in his arms… I thought I could be stronger than this, but it kills me seeing him with her and I am the one that helped push them together.” Roxie hops onto the counter. I spill everything to Roxie, the tutoring, how I was pretending to be his girlfriend, the feeling that quickly developed, and since I am having a therapy session, I confess to her about my mother, Ronnie, how we stay at Mrs. Sophie’s most nights, about getting sick and staying at Third’s. She is quiet for a while. “I am pretty effed up. Huh?” I blow my nose for like the fifteenth time.
She hops down, “Pssh. Have you met me? Hi, effed up is my middle name,” she re-applies her black lipstick in the mirror. “You just sound like a girl who got a bad hand dealt to her; you had your heart broken when you let your guard down. It happens to the best of us.”
I hug her. “Thank you,” I choke.
“For what?” she pats me on my back.
“For listening. I never had a girlfriend before.”
She pats me on the back “Let’s not go jumping to conclusions.” But she tightens the hug.
***
I spin in front of the mirror. “I can’t believe it is me.” I am wearing a vintage nineteen fifties butter-cream colored tulle dress; it falls just below my knees. I found some pale blue ribbon in Mrs. Sophie’s old crafting stuff, and tied it around my waist.
“You look beautiful, Baby Doll,” my mother is standing in the doorway.
“Thanks.” I sit down on the bed.
She comes over and starts fingering my hair. “You look just like you daddy.”
I wouldn’t know. I’ve never even seen a picture of the man. He ran out before my momma could utter the words pregnant. “Did you love him?” I suddenly want to know.
“Who, your daddy?”
I shake my head yes wanting her to say yes so bad. “You can’t call what your daddy and I had love… We had fun though, and I got you out of it my beautiful baby doll.” Did my mother not see what everyone else saw, a lost scared girl, trying like hell to be strong? I absently tuck the pink strip of hair behind my ear. True love does not exist. “Here let me help you with your hair,” she takes the brush off the night stand and starts to brush at my hair. Her hands shake.
“I don’t ever think you have ever done this before,” I say. I close my eyes enjoying the feeling of her taking care of me. She stops and I lean against her and she pulls me into a weak hug. She smells like dove soap and cigarettes. I wonder who my mother would be if her momma stayed. It is hard to imagine her any other way than this. When I was little I would imagine a life were she would make us chocolate chip cookies and walk us to the bus stop. That fantasy was quickly broken, when I found Everett crying on the floor as a baby and she was passed out next to him. I sit up letting go once again.
“There you go,” she pins the pink strip behind my ear. “I have something for you,” she gets up and leaves the room. I go back to the mirror to take one last look. I slip on the blue pep toe pumps I found at goodwill. My hair falls in loose waves around my shoulders. I decided to wear only a bit of shimmery gold powder on my eyes and a clear lip gloss.
My mother returns and holds out a thin silver bracelet, three small green stones are set in it. “It was your grandmother’s; you don’t know how many times I got close to pawning it.” She drops it into my hand. “Now you keep it. Hell, maybe you’ll be able to resist selling it better than me.” I take the bracelet stunned; I never had anything from my family. I’ve never met anyone of them. I feel like I hold a part of me I never knew existed.
Third is the first friend I have ever brought to my house. He stands in my yellowing kitchen. He has on a powder blue suit tuxedo with a white ruffled shirt. I told Third my dress was vintage, I guess he decided to go vintage too. I love it. “You look great,” I say.
He smiles, no more gold teeth. “I thought you would like it.”
I pin on the white carnation boutonniere on his jacket. My mother snaps pictures of us with Mrs. Cruz’s camera. Ronnie sits at the table sipping on his beer. “Mom, you are going to bring Everett over to Mrs. Sophie’s at six, right.” I fret. Everett sits on the carpet holding a plane he built from Legos. Some lady from the church picked her up for bingo night. I hated to leave Everett, but he would be okay for an hour. It is only an hour. “Well we better get going” I say to Third. He follows me into the leaving room. “Evie, I am going to prom,” I say. He looks up at me and touches the delicate fabric. “Third is taking me, can you believe it? Me at the prom,” I say kissing his blond head.
“Hey what’s up little man” Third holds out his fist for Everett to bump. Everett brings his small fist to Third’s and I cannot help but smile. I am going to be okay.
Third pulls the minivan into ‘Bennie’s Burgers’ and parks. “Wow you shouldn’t have,” I say dryly.
“I know my mom made these stupid reservations for this fancy restaurant, but I wanted to take you somewhere special to me. I hope you don’t mind.” He looks at his hands
“This is perfect, really sweet,” I smile at him.
“Really?” he asks wide-eyed like a little puppy
“Really, now get out and open my door,” I say.
I would have loved to go to a fancy restaurant; I have never been to one before, but Bennie’s is awesome, their slogan is if you can dream it we can make it. We ordered regular cheeseburger and fries. I got a large strawberry shake and a coke.
“This is so good,” I say around a mouth full of juicy burger.
“Heaven,” he replies, and he might just be right.
Chapter 29.
Confessions
I pull at the bow tie; it feels like it is strangling me. Perspiration beads on my forehead, I wipe at it with the back of my hand. “Are you feeling okay?” Katie says between a tight lip smile. We have been posing in Katie’s front yard by the flowers, me behind her, her alone, her with all her friends.
“Linda, why don’t we let these kids get on?” Mr. Bloom says with a smooth southern accent.
She gives him a mechanical smile. I cringe. “Of course, dear,” she says coldly. Mrs. Bloom kisses Katie and then me on the check. I shiver from her cold lips.
“Now son, you take care of my daughter I expect you to be a complete gentleman to my little girl.” Mr. Bloom says. His teeth are so white they hurt my eyes.
“Daddy, Dylan is always a complete gentleman with me,” Katie says giving him a hug.
He chuckles, “Can’t blame me for looking out for my little princess.”
The limo is cool and I silently thank god, because I feel like I am going to pass out. Katie slides in next to me; her long-gloved hand reaches for mine. “Are
you sure you feel okay, Baby? You look like you are about to puke,” Katie brows furrow.
“I got the cure for that,” Tyler pulls out a shiny flask. Cheers from a few of the other girls’ dates fill the cab. I take the flask, my stomach roiling against the heat from the liquor that hits it.
“Didn’t we take enough pictures,” I complain. Katie pulls me over to the black and metallic blue balloon arch.
“This is our junior prom it only happens once,” she says shortly.
I have dreamed for so long to be here with her, and here I am annoyed and in a bad mood. “You’re right, I am sorry.” I kiss her check, and stand and pose for more pictures.
I follow Katie around while she smiles and talks to her friends. “Let’s dance,” I don’t give her a chance to answer I pull her out to the dance floor. I wrap my arms around her and we sway to a slow song. Katie sighs and leans her head on my chest.
“This is nice,” she says. Is that my problem that this is nice and I am so used to the unexpected with Barbie that I am jaded against anything normal? I pull Katie closer. I want normal.
“This is nice.” I agree, nice and normal. I pull her in and kiss her, she responds to me kissing me back. Jasmine fills my head and the sickening feeling is back. I hear her laugh before I see her. I can’t move, as I watch Third twirl her around. He dips her low and she laughs. She looks different. Not like Katie in her slinky blue dress or her cream puff friends. Barbie looks classic like she was a cover model in the fifties. She wears a yellow dress, it hugs her waist and flows out around her hips, and a blue satin ribbon is wrapped around her waist. Her hair is in soft waves that frame her heart shaped face, she is beautiful.
“I don’t feel good.” I storm off the floor pulling Katie behind me.
“We have been sitting here all night,” Katie whines. “Is this because of Barbie?” Katie crosses her arms across her chest.
“No. I already told you I don’t feel good,” I snap. I watch Barbie across the room. She is dancing with Roxie who looks like she is at a Halloween party and not prom. I have not been able to take my eyes off her. I am not jealous anymore of Third. He can touch her all she wants. Heat rises in me, as I watch him snake his hands around her waist from behind her.