“What about your son?”
I thought about my words for a second before responding, but all the revelations I had at the beach were still clear in my mind.
“It wouldn’t matter anymore,” I admitted. “I already knew he was out there. I already knew he was in that family. Without you, nothing else would matter to me anymore, not even him.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that,” she said quietly. “You should care about him.”
“I do,” I said. “Fuck, he’s the main reason I got drunk. I haven’t even seen a picture or anything, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. That and the whole tournament thing…I just couldn’t deal with it all.”
“And now you can?”
“No,” I admitted. I tried to compose myself again. “But when I saw your face last night…shit.”
I could feel myself putting up shields, trying to protect that inner core deep inside of me that knew I should let her go; she’d be better off. This whole situation was further proof being around me was dangerous and ultimately not in her best interest. I’d said it many times, and though she assured me over and over that I was worthy, it was still easy to forget.
Focus.
“I know I can’t do that again,” I said. “Fuck, I thought you were going to leave. I was so fucking sure of it.”
The pressure that had been building throughout the conversation reached a threshold, and I lost it. I launched myself at her, no longer able to tolerate any distance between us. Raine gasped as I grabbed her and pulled her against me.
“I can’t lose you!”
“I’m right here,” she said. She moved her arms around me and returned my embrace.
“I’m sorry…I won’t ever do it again,” I promised. “I’ll get us through this. I’ll keep you safe—I swear!”
“Oh, Bastian,” she said.
Raine pressed her lips to my forehead, and I turned quickly to capture them with my own. It was just a brief kiss, and as soon as we parted, I looked into her eyes.
“I can’t be without you, Raine,” I said. “I love you so fucking much, the thought tears me up. It makes me want to destroy everything in here, because if you left, every fucking thing in here would remind me of you. None of it would matter anymore because you are my fucking world.”
“I’m not going,” she said. She brought her hand up to my face and stroked my cheek. “I’m still here. I’m not happy about what happened, but I’m not leaving you. I love you, Bastian. That hasn’t changed.”
“I didn’t fuck it up?” I asked, needy asshole that I was. I needed to hear her say it again.
“You did mess up,” she said, “but I understand why you did it. Everyone’s allowed to make a single mistake. To be totally honest, I was pretty surprised you made it this long.”
I wondered if that’s what her support group had said—that I was probably going to drink again and that it was just a matter of time. I wanted to be pissed about it, but the evidence was on their side.
“One time,” I said quietly. “Never again.”
“I can put up with this one mistake,” she confirmed. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to tolerate this happening repeatedly.”
“We’re okay?” Damn my need for reassurance, but I had to hear it. I had to hear it again and again because there was still the child deep inside of me that knew—just knew—he wasn’t wanted. Not by her, not by anyone else, and not under any circumstances. No matter how perfect the man-child tried to be, no one would ever want him.
“I love you,” she said again. “We’re fine.”
The tension inside of me snapped. I brought her face back to mine and fought with myself to be gentle. I wanted to hold her so tightly that she could never get away from me. I wanted to possess her completely and know that she was mine and mine alone.
Instantly, I needed her. I needed her if I was ever going to get through any of this fucked-up mess called my life. She was my salvation, and I had to feel the physical affirmation of her forgiveness.
I kissed her slowly at first, but as everything that was piled up in my head threatened to resurface, I expelled the energy into her. I traced her lips with my tongue, grabbed at her bottom lip with my teeth, and pressed her body against the couch. Her hands came up under my arms and gripped my lower back through my shirt as she groaned into my mouth.
“I fucking need you,” I growled. “Now.”
Raine gripped the bottom of my shirt with her fingers and pulled it up over my head in response. I grabbed at my belt and struggled to pull it open as she removed her tank top and unhooked her bra. As soon as I saw her tits, my belt was forgotten. I went for her nipples and sucked one of them into my mouth and circled the other with my hand. I brushed over her nipple with my thumb as Raine moaned softly.
With my shorts only partially undone, my cock pressed painfully against the zipper, trying to get free but failing. I was too busy wanting to touch every part of her, stroke her skin, and attack her mouth with mine to even care. I managed to kick my shoes off as I shifted her so she was lying lengthwise on the couch and went back to her nipples.
Raine moved her hands down my back, sliding them lower until she reached my ass. She grabbed it with both hands and pulled my hardened cock against her leg. She pressed her thigh up against me and groaned.
“I want you,” she said. She took my face in her hands and pressed her mouth to mine. “Please—take me to bed.”
No argument there.
I lifted her from the couch, my cock still only partially freed from my shorts, and carried her bridal-style into the bedroom. I tossed Raine on the end of the bed, grabbed at the yoga pants still covering her legs, and ripped them off of her. I grasped her ankles as I crawled onto the bed and then maneuvered them over my shoulders as I looked up at her.
All else was forgotten for the sake of the moment, the need for her, the lust. The raw desire to watch her come undone due to my actions overwhelmed all thoughts of the turmoil ahead of us.
Her mouth opened slightly, and her eyes darkened as I moved in. I pressed my open mouth to the inside of her right thigh as I slid my hand up the left one. I didn’t go too close—not yet. I loved to watch her squirm.
And squirm she did.
“Please…Bastian…”
“Please what?” I teased as I kissed up her thigh, getting closer and closer without ever hitting the mark. I kissed up over her pubic bone and then over to the other side. “You want something?”
“Ughhh…”
I snickered, kissed the very edge of where her leg met her core, and then hummed against her skin.
“You want a kiss, baby?” I purred. “You want to feel my tongue all over your clit? ‘Cause I’ll give it to you.”
“Yes…please!”
“You want it here?” I pressed my lips off to one side and then the other. “Or maybe here?”
I missed the mark every time, and she started trying to twist her hips to where she wanted my mouth, but I held her in place.
“No you don’t,” I scolded playfully. “I don’t think you’re ready yet.”
“I am…I am…”
“Not yet…”
Using the back of my fingernail, I scraped the skin of the inside of her thigh, right up to the very peak. I followed the motion with open-mouthed kisses as she continued to twist below me. I could smell how much she wanted it, and my cock throbbed where it lay trapped between me and the mattress, begging for attention, but I wasn’t going to give into that just yet.
Her first.
Always.
Finally, when she really didn’t seem able to stand any more, I slipped my tongue right against her hole and licked from bottom to top. She lurched, almost sat straight up, and then dropped back to the bed.
I couldn’t help but smile.
I circled her clit with my tongue as I brought my hand around into position. Tracing lightly, I explored her with my fingers as I used my tongue against her apex. She shuddered, and I felt her
hands against my head, trying to pull me forward for more friction.
This time, I relented.
“You are going to come so hard, people on the beach are gonna hear you,” I promised.
I could see her chest rise and fall with her breaths, but she didn’t say anything in response. Her eyes said it all—dark, hooded, and full of desire.
I slid a finger inside of her, pulled back, and then inserted two. Moving them in and out of her slowly, I went to work with my tongue. I circled, licked, and hummed against her clit as I used my fingers to curl up and press inside her body.
Raine’s thighs pressed against the side of my head, and she dug her fingers into my scalp in the most fantastic way as I pressed harder with my tongue. My lips closed around her, and I sucked hard as she started screaming my name.
Beautiful fucking music.
Releasing her legs from my shoulders, I reached down and pushed my shorts and boxers the rest of the way off as I crawled up over her. Finally free of my clothes, I kissed up the center of her body and between her tits until I reached her neck. I sucked gently at her skin as I positioned myself and thrust forward.
My cock found its sanctuary, and the sensation rocketed through my entire body. I felt as if I had been hit with a sledgehammer. It wasn’t the physical feeling of joining with her that struck me, but the sudden, intense realization of where my true focus resided.
Inside of her.
Find the focal point and tie yourself to it.
I’d always thought of Landon’s words as meaning something inside of myself, and maybe at one point it had been, but that had shifted. Like everything else in my life, it all changed when Raine became a part of it. She made me a person who could be loved and forgiven. She made me the kind of man I might have been if I hadn’t been so fucked up early on in life. She took me for who I was—flaws and all—and made me better with nothing more than her acceptance of me.
She was life.
There was nothing –absolutely nothing—I wouldn’t do to keep her safe. I’d kill anyone, destroy any organization, and fight a fucking mountain if that’s what it would take to keep her with me, safe and happy. I’d never touch another drink again. I’d be nice to her friends, and I’d give her the fucking world if that’s what she wanted.
Her body encompassed my cock, and her very being encompassed my soul. I cried out, not in pain or even in orgasm, but from an epiphany. It was an ecstasy beyond any true comprehension, but it was more real to me than any feeling I had ever experienced.
Beyond love, beyond life.
I moved slowly in the beginning with a gentle rocking as her hands found my back and gripped my skin. She looked up at me, and inside her eyes, I found everything I would ever need. She ran her hand up to the back of my head and pulled me to her, capturing my mouth and kissing me deeply.
Sliding in and out of her, faster and faster, the bed shifted under the motion and the headboard slammed into the wall. The rhythmic thumping only caused me to thrust harder, reveling in the sound as it mixed with her cries.
“Oh…God…Bastian!” Raine brought her legs up around my ass, clenching me to her and pulling me further in. Her head was pressed back against the pillow, and she squeezed her eyes shut as incomprehensible sounds flowed from her mouth.
She was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, and the vision spurred me on.
The headboard slammed into the wall over and over again, drowning out Raine’s cries. I didn’t let up even as I felt her release, and she dropped against the mattress. I kept at it, and sweat started running between my shoulder blades.
My back arched as I shoved into her and held there, unloading inside of her and crying out at the ceiling. I felt her legs tighten around my hips as she held our bodies together for a final few second before I collapsed on top of her.
Best workout all week.
My body gave one last shudder as I lay on top of her, breathing heavily and trying to keep my heart from bursting through my chest. Raine was shaking, and for a moment I thought it was because of another orgasm, but then I realized she was crying.
“Raine?” I pushed up with my arms until I could look down at her. Tears ran down her face, and she brought up her hand to wipe them away before she reached up and pulled me against her, tucking her forehead against my body.
“I don’t know how to deal with this!” Raine sobbed against my chest. “What are we going to do?”
I wrapped my arms around her and rolled so I wasn’t crushing her. I got her up on top of me and stroked her hair away from her face.
“Shhh,” I said. “It’s all right, baby. I’m going to make it all right. I swear I will.”
“You don’t know that!” she cried. “You can’t know that! You could die…oh my God, Bastian, they could kill you!”
I closed my eyes and squeezed her tighter.
“Not gonna happen,” I said. “I don’t want to do it. You know I don’t, but I can, and I will. I’ll win this tournament. No one’s going to take me down.”
I hoped I sounded convincing.
“You don’t know that,” she said again. “Bastian, you can’t promise that!”
I untwisted my arms from around her and took her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me.
“I can,” I told her as I stared into her deep, brown eyes. “I can fucking promise you that! I’m going to do this, and I’m going to fucking win. I never lose, Raine—never. I did it for the fucking money before. Do you really think I won’t win when it’s you and my kid on the line? No one will fucking touch me. No one. I’ll wipe them out in the first day, you hear me?”
Tears fell to her cheeks again, but she nodded.
“You understand me?” I asked.
“Yes,” she whispered. “Bastian…”
“Shhh.” I released her face and embraced her again. I kissed the top of her head as I held her, and she clung to my shoulders. Her audible cries stopped, but I could still feel her tears on my skin.
“If anything happens to you,” she said, “if you get hurt, or…or…”
“I’m going to be fine,” I repeated.
“Not if something happens to you,” she argued. “I’d die.”
“Nothing will happen to me,” I said. “Not you, either.”
She let out a long breath, and the air tickled my skin. I felt her relax against me, and I tilted my head to kiss her gently on the side of her face.
“I’ve got you,” I whispered against her cheek.
Eventually her breathing evened out, and I knew she had fallen asleep on me, emotionally exhausted. I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how I was going to make good on my promise to her. I had meant every word of it, but I also knew this would be like no other tournament I had fought before. It wasn’t money or my reputation on the line—it was Raine and my son. She was my world, and now, so was my son. I wanted him to be a part of it, too.
Alex.
I had to win. There was no question about it. I couldn’t even entertain the possibility of another outcome. To win, I was going to have to know exactly what I was up against. I had to know each and every one of my opponents, what they were capable of, their weaknesses, and exactly what I needed to do to defeat every last one of them.
I needed to do some research.
The decision was made. At least for now, I had to prepare myself to fight.
I woke early in my usual position: my arms wrapped tightly around Raine with my body partially on top of hers. I had one leg tossed over both of hers as well, and her head was tucked securely against my shoulder. There were fading thoughts of dreams in my head, but I couldn’t remember their nature.
Looking down on Raine’s face, the anger, fear, and passion from the night before had transformed to an unusual sense of peace.
Pushing a little strand of hair off her forehead, I stared at her closed eyes and thought about her list of reasons she loved me. She always listed my strength first. I planned to keep her safe through my physical
strength and my skills as a fighter, but I knew I needed more. I needed the strength of mind to overcome what was happening.
I needed to plan, which wasn’t exactly my strong point. I usually acted more impulsively, responding to the situation as it unfolded as opposed to setting the stage to ensure the outcome I chose. Offing a major crime lord wasn’t going to be something that happened without a precise plan, and I knew that. I was going to have to devise a way to give me access to Franks long enough to kill him and get myself back out alive.
Raine would have to be kept in the dark about all of it. There was no way I was going to let her in on my plan to kill Franks. I didn’t want her to be even more worried than she already was, and I was afraid of giving her too much information about what was going to happen. She already knew enough, and she hated what the inescapable future held. My Raine valued people’s lives in a way I wasn’t accustomed to, and she wouldn’t like the idea of me taking any additional lives to ensure the continued safety of her and my son.
I still wasn’t sure what to do about Landon, but that was secondary. I would prefer to find some way out of it all without having to kill him, but I wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible. Ultimately, he was still the father I never had.
I’m a father.
Every time I thought about Alex, I tried to create some kind of picture in my head of what he might look like. I wondered if he looked like I did at the same age, and that reminded me that I didn’t even have a picture of myself from when I was a kid.
Raine stirred a little, and as I glanced back at her, I wondered how it would sound if she added “you’re a good father” to my list of positive traits. The thought warmed me, and I held her a little closer as her eyes fluttered open.
Like most mornings when there wasn’t an immediate need to get out of bed, we spent time just looking at each other. I pushed her hair away from her face and stroked her cheek softly, and Raine smiled up at me, closed her eyes to my touch, and sighed.