Delhi metro was a nice means of transport. Especially, in this much heat and discomfort. This is not an easy life and that he knew since the age he had left his milk bottle and toys. But such insight wasn’t going to spare him all the pain and despair he was going to carry in the years to come.
In his front was the ticket counter but he had a pass. Atul entered the checking counter with a slight trembling over his upper lip. This was his favorite part of all. High travelling fee of the metro was well worth it. With air-conditioners, punctuality and two male hands touching and feeling your body in search of dangerous objects. He didn’t have any. He felt tingling as the CRPF guard rubbed hands all over his clothes.
Homosexuality was something that he regretted. He wished that he should have been like others. Perhaps due to the constant nagging of the society. But he couldn’t help but smile on seeing males around. So many different types. So beautiful and perfect with great bodies and organs. The kings of the world. Super-men. What would they do if all the females would disappear for an hour or so? That thought made him bite his thumb.
Atul was standing because all the seats were already filled. He liked to travel in standing posture. He would be grateful if metro was highly crowded even to set a foot. Men were too giving, never being a miser to pass a smile or hand to a stranger. Life isn’t too bad until you are travelling, he thought.
Thought he had his past and nights and blacks. He was still a virgin in twenties. One of the things that he regretted most was taking arts as major in school. It was the most stupid decision of his life, knowing about the nature of other kids taking arts. All of them were animals, who only cared about their next feast and fuck. They could swallow the whole world without a burp. Now he was marveling himself for surviving them.
Did the fellow class-mates like Atul? Oww! Yeah… with the deep edges of their heart. They knew about Atul’s secret. The way Atul used to talk and walk, anyone could tell. His best friend Gyanesh left him because of this revelation. Someone might have puked in Gyanesh ears. Atul still craved for a friend like that. Yes, that was true in a way. Atul wanted to be more than a friend. But he didn’t want it to end up like that. Now he had no one with whom he could share everything and to spend money on. No one to save him from jokes and problems.
Others liked him also but not as a friends but as a means of amusement. Atul was a great entertainment for the whole class. They used to clap on him whenever he entered in the class. They asked him shameless questions. How do you feel on watching Veena’s boobs? Would you get a hard on with a sight of penis? Sana put Atul’s hand on her soft thigh and asked him in front of everyone else, “What do you like?”
They were laughing at him. He could bear the laughs and stupid questions. Next day when he returned from the canteen there was a pink bag on his seat and his bag was missing. All his books and pens were in pink bag, great. Many poisonous smiles in the class were waiting for Atul’s reaction. He was too good to do anything out of line. One of the smiles belonged to Gyaneesh, whom he loved more than anything. Many of the girls were sad also because they were more comfortable with Atul than any other boy. They felt safer in his company. Girls knew that they could touch, push and hug Atul without any risk of wrong impression. He wouldn’t bother even on seeing them nude and that nature was precious. He was a boy who could talk about clothes, nail-paint and soap-operas without getting bored. A boy with female tenderness and blue eyes was hard to find. His hobbies and passions were alike. He was fond of dreams, butterflies and talking enthusiastically about small things. On some occasions it made them angry also that he had no interest in anyone of them sexually but that only adds to the his character. Mind doesn’t take everything logically. Mind can feel cold in summer and hot in winter. Mind can make you cry with joy and laugh with loss. Control it and get rewarded. Love it and get hated. People may come near you for a motive or may come without, don’t think about it. Don’t think too much or it would blow your mind. Yes world is mean and meaner and meanest. Good and better than the best. It is all the ways you can imagine and cannot. Life is not easy.
Atul smiled back. It was one of those smiles. When someone accepts his defeat and relax with his destiny. When lips curl without much effort and care. Things could be worst. Atul wanted to punch the boy with love and hate. On their chests. Especially, that Kamal. There was something macho about Kamal which made Atul lust for him. Kamal was too serious kind of a person. He never made jokes on Atul but he never even talked to Atul. What a shame? He was getting hard at such a disgraceful moment. Now he knew the power of this desire. It could make him do anything. It could make him lift all the laughter and insults on his slightly slant shoulders. This desire was becoming a curse for him. He almost forgot about the whole class and the situation. This pink bag is beautiful, Atul thought, damn.
“Like the present,” one of the bastards asked.
“Sure, it was great,” Atul answered while churning his teeth.
It was amazing how much one can take. The unlimited capacity of a person to survive lonely between dirt and showing teeth to the evil that the hopes are still remaining. It was impossible for Atul to show anger. For him it was full of hatred and satanic to show such extreme emotions.
“You are a girl living in a wrong body,” Sana said.
He didn’t know how to control anger. He didn’t have any anger actually. Only a sadness that he couldn’t fit in this strange world.
He did try many times to caught boys attention. He did things that boys like. But he wasn’t lucky enough to find another like natured. He tried internet also and no one wanted to talk to a boy there. He changed his identity as a girl but as soon as people knew that he was a gay actually, they felt cheated and it made them angry.
Relatives stop sending their kids to his home. Chairmen of the society told Atul’s mother to control him. Atul’s room looked different from any other room. There was a poster of Arnold Schwarzenegger and newspapers on the wall. There was no door in his room. It was situated at the tip of the stairs. Means one had to cross his room before going to the roof. So he had almost no privacy. Masturbation before sleep was one of the few things he enjoyed.
Puneet was another close friend that he made. But Atul was scared to take this friendship to the next level. That wasn’t happening. He didn’t have that much courage this time. He couldn’t risk being alone. Besides, Puneet was a straight clearly and didn’t even know that some other kinds existed on the planet.
Atul was keen to reading articles about likeminded in newspapers and magazines. It gave him a sense that he was not the only one. It confirmed the fact that he was not insane or unique or perhaps all of them were a bunch of funny people with different taste. There were gays protest and rallies and so many events taking place to fight for the right. They should have opened a gay sex bar instead or a gay strip club. And they should write gay fiction or make gay sex-clips and MMS.
His parents called him one day and asked him about “plans”. Atul didn’t have any “plans”.
“What do you mean?” Atul asked.
“You are a big boy now. What do you want to do with your life?”
“What should I do? A job?” he asked and both his parents looked at each-others with grim expressions.
“Why don’t you have some fun? Go around and talk to the people. There is so much going on in the world. Be a part of it. You would feel good and worthy,” father told him. He is amazing, Atul thought.
“I want to do a job.”
They never called him to advise again.
Atul didn’t go to the chemistry lab that day because his nose was itching. Something was stopping him to go for lab tour. And it was not an
important task so he skipped. Itching over the nose couldn’t be ignored. You are better at catching omens in solitude. When there is no one else to disturb you except a painful loneliness or calm. Now all he needed was an excuse to make it reasonable. He went to the music room to see the little kids preparing for the next function that was going to take place in a few weeks. How nice? Music teacher asked him why he wasn’t in his class attending lectures so he left. Half the time was passed. He went straight to classroom, picked his things and started making a list of places he could visit inside the school area. Library, canteen, stationary counter etc. After half an hour Atul was standing right out of the glass door of chemistry lab near fire-extinguisher with that gifted pink bag over the shoulders, when he saw ghost over the faces inside the lab. Atul was the only witness who didn’t inhaled that gas. Others were falling with no one to hold. His mind flashed all the pictures of the past in a second. He looked at the time in his wrist-watch. Lab-tour was over and itch over the nose was gone. Atul didn’t call for help or anything. He walked away from there in slow measured steps.
His parents transferred to Mumbai after a short-while. It was only after coming back to Delhi, did he know the whole story. Atul saw a girl like Veena sitting over the footpath and scratching her hairs. He wanted to ask her if she was Veena but he didn’t because woman looked at him and laughed. It was not the same laugh as they had back then in school. It was a different one. A laugh that belonged to the asylum. He ran away without looking back once. He could still hear that noise. The worst noise of the world.
Now he was a translator for a children comic book and was living with another of the co-worker in a shared flat. Coworker never asked and discussed about Atul’s orientation. He was over-liberated Anglo-Indian type. Though, Atul was stressed by the telephone conversations of co-worker with his girlfriends.
His parents were pushing him for marriage and that sent spiders down in his stomach and below. Could he fuck a girl pretending it was a man? Now in the metro he filled with disgust as he saw a pretty girl and imagined intercourse with her. Atul immediately shifted his eyes to a guy sitting in front of him reading a paperback. Atul always liked serious kind of people. But now he was too desperate for choices. Whole world had become unisexual for him and other things were gone. He always enjoyed the pushing and pulling as the door opened. Living your life on small pleasures require talent. A boy in blue t-shirt looked at Atul and said something in his friend’s ears. Atul waved at that blue t-shirt boy. He didn’t know anger. Blue t-shirt boy was cute.
4rth page from the diary
There are things. Black things. White things. Small things, large things. If there is a thing then don’t be sure. If there is a thought. Then you can be sure. Because thoughts are thoughts. And thoughts are inside. If there is a toy then the toy is a toy and toy was a toy too and toy is to toy would toy it. Please don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me. Colorful toys and transparent flexible toys. Watery-snowy-crystal toys and wooden plastic ones. Colored ones are broken and watery snowy are melting. It is safe that way. It is what should happen so no one was crying except the child. Fans rotate when no one seems to notice and everyone notice when fans stop. Fans shouldn’t stop. Fans are the lifeline of the grasses and skies. Grasses and skies form something that is different from the rest of the toys. Grasses and skies should be prayed inside the room with hundreds lock and thousands of people. Grasses are the lifeline and skies are colorful. Together these form colored lives. It is mathematics and chemistry only which is in the core of all the activities living or imaginable. People who meet the needs of chemistry and keep up with mathematics are happier than the animals of toys. Animals of toys know how to fuck without closing there eyes. That is why children of animals of toys born with a decimal. You should grab the opportunity and jump on it at sight whenever encountering a colored toy. Because rainbows are colorless these days. These were using alcohol and cigarette to make it sing again. But the wires are broken now. And grass and skies like those who sing the wire songs. Wireless songs are liked by toys only because toys are wireless these days. Not only that the naked body was walking on the grass but due to that all the crowd was running after it. The only one left was the person in the front who wanted to throw mud at it. Mudding the things is not possible. Because crowd may left you alone. Then you got no choice but to throw more mud. And he was eating mud and body with coconut oil and black pepper. It is not bad. Nothing is not bad. Bad is good. Only good is bad. Lights are out and black is in. And everyone is going inside. This is a red alarm for all the people who were inside and outside to come out of their places and kill each other. Then only the grass would be left. Pure green grass with dew drops and a hint of sky on the curves going down. From here the milk would come out. Milk which has formed the blood. Blood which has formed bloody fools. There was nothing that bloody fools don’t know. That is why, they proved that it was great to drink milk before the dinner and after the lunch. People are busy in each other during lunch too. They were keeping the speed. They are taking orders. They are doing whatever they can to open the doors and windows so all the animals of toys can come inside and outside to have fun. It is necessary to do this because it is the order of the government. Because government wants to throw the animals outside with lots of beer and alcohol. And then at a night, I dream about a girl who wants to dance. I don’t allow her because I am jealous. I love her so much and drink alcohol to forget her. Anyway, it is only a dream so I am drunk when I wake up the next morning. People keep asking me about my secret. I always tell them about a girl who wanted to kiss me. I am still drunk after four days and still drunk after seven days. It is amazing because I never felt this much power and determination. So I think that I would make it possible somehow. There were 1000 ways to do it and I choose 1001th way. It is great and rainbow because it is colorful. But the girl still wants to dance and I am still drunk so we eat all the time and space. It is simple biology. Where is your mind? When I get close to her then I find out that it is not a dream and now I am happy. Happy.
Nothing can change my mood except a pair of hot boiled fishes. Who likes boiled fishes and lobsters? Who likes pizza and pearl? Who wants to go here and there? Who is the one listening to me? One should listen to me attentively because of what I am telling here are the ultimate rules of biology and mathematics. This is art. This is party. This is universe. Grass and skies are the only reason to celebrate. Other reasons are between those. There shouldn’t be much to discuss and do anyway because all would go to abyss sooner or later. They aren’t moving there legs actually but they want to go into the abyss and tell everyone that they are here now so it continues and people keep following because no one have any other choice. Piss on the toilet or piss on the floor but one has to piss ultimately. And all the piss would go to the abyss like mud, water, grass and skies. Do it and you are it. Abandon it and you are it. Dance it and you are it. Rain it and you are it. It is your ground.