“Bear, Otter and I—” Creed started, but I cut him off.
“No,” I said. “We aren’t going to talk about this in here. I don’t want to wake him up.” With that, I turned and headed for the kitchen, knowing they were exchanging looks behind my back as they followed.
I sat down at the table and waited until they had too. Anna still looked upset and stared off toward the living room, and Creed was looking down at his hands. Only Otter looked at me, so I focused on him.
“We’re not going to do anything about her,” I said.
He looked at me, a ghost of his grin haunting his lips. “Why did I know you were going to say that?”
Anna looked bewildered. “Bear, you can’t be serious! Of course you have to find her! What the hell else are you going to do? You can’t take care of Ty by yourself! You can’t let her get away with this!”
“What the hell else am I supposed to do?” I asked her, anger filling my voice. “What do you think would happen if I found her? Drag her ass back here? How long do you think it would take for her to leave again? Or maybe you think I could just leave Ty with her! Leave Ty with her and go on my merry fucking way. How long do you think it would take before she dumped him somewhere else?” Anna started to cry again, and I felt bad, but not so bad that I would retract what I was saying or change my mind.
“Bear,” Creed said gently, “what about school? You can’t go to school and work like you planned to do and be able to take care of the Kid. There’s not enough time in the world for that.”
“I know,” I said, trying my damnedest to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “That’s why I’m not going.”
“Oh, Bear,” Anna said, clutching her face.
“Don’t give me that,” I snapped. “It’s not like this is your problem.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Creed hissed at me. “This is our problem as much as it is yours. I love that kid as much as you do, so don’t spout that line of bullshit to me.”
“Bear, at least we should call the police or something,” Anna sobbed.
“No. No police. What do you think would happen if they were called? Do you really think they would let Ty stay with me? Of course not! Think about it for one goddamned second. They would take him away quicker than you could blink and drop him with some social worker or a foster home. I won’t let that happen to him. Now, I can’t stop you from telling your parents,” I said, warning them. “They would probably figure it out at some point anyway. But I swear to God if any of them call the cops or do anything to find her, I’ll take Ty and we’ll go someplace else, and you will never see either of us again.”
Anna and Creed stared at me in disbelief. I wouldn’t look at Otter for some reason. I wonder now if it was because I was scared that he was thinking bad things about me, and I didn’t want to see it written all over his face. I don’t know why.
Creed sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair. “Well, if there’s one good thing about this, at least my family has a whole shitload of disposable income.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want your money, Creed.” With that, the whole table erupted.
I know what you’re thinking: Bear, you’re an asshole. But let’s see you be seventeen and decide to give up your whole future. Let’s see you realize that you can’t depend on anyone because sooner or later, they all leave. I know it wasn’t fair that I immediately distrusted everyone around me, but I didn’t know what else to do. My pride was the only thing I really had left that was mine, and I would be damned if they took that from me too. You also have to understand that that was a while ago, remember? Things are a little bit different now.
But at the time, it was still all too fresh in my mind.
Creed and Anna kept trying to talk over each other, protesting everything I had said, until I heard Otter say, “Everyone out. Now.” I had only seen Otter truly pissed off once or twice, and it had never been directed toward me. But when Otter got mad, everyone else got scared. He was a big guy, even then, but he never really yelled. There was, however, this quiet anger that he had that could make you quake in your shoes. Anna and Creed heard the tone in his voice and ceased immediately.
“Out,” he repeated.
Whatever, I thought as I stood. I needed to go check on Ty.
“Not you, Bear. You sit down.”
Yes, sir, I thought meekly, feeling strangely like a child about to be punished.
Anna and Creed looked back and forth between me and Otter and must not have liked what they saw because they left very quickly. Once again, I didn’t dare look at Otter because I was scared what I would see, but not so scared to the point where I’d change my mind about what I was deciding to do. If Otter was going to try to convince me otherwise, then he could go to hell. I didn’t care how mad he got. Let him tear the world apart for all I cared. I knew what I had to do.
“Now you listen to me and you listen good,” he said, his voice level and stern. “I know this situation sucks. I can’t even begin to know what it feels like, but I can at least imagine. What I can’t imagine, is how you can sit there and try to drive everyone else away. We are only trying to help, and this would go a lot smoother if you just let us.”
“But—” I protested.
Otter cut me off. “Bear, shut up.” I glared at him, and he didn’t avert his eyes. When he was sure I wasn’t going to try and speak again, he continued. “This happened to you, yes, and it happened to Ty. But if you think that it doesn’t affect anyone else, you need to guess again. Why do you think we’re here now if we didn’t want to help?” I opened my mouth to speak until he growled, “That was a rhetorical question. Now, you’re going to let us help you, let us be there for you, and if I hear any more of this ‘on my own’ bullshit you’re spewing, I will not hesitate to knock you down a few pegs myself. Do you understand?”
I nodded weakly.
“Good. Now, are you sure you don’t want to call the police? And that you don’t want to try and look for her?”
I thought for a moment, then shrugged. He seemed to take that as a no, because he knew that’s what I really meant.
He sighed. “This is such a shit storm, Bear. You know it’s going to get a hell of a lot harder before it gets any easier. I don’t know whether to hug you or throttle you.”
I smiled at this, though it felt foreign on my face.
He continued. “So you know we have to tell Mom and Dad about this, and I know that Anna will do the same. I promise to do my best to make sure that this doesn’t spread too far but the only way that’s going to happen is if you let people help you. And I swear to God, if you even think of taking off with Ty, I will hunt you down myself and drag you back here. You’ll be locked in a room until the Kid is old enough to make decisions for himself. Only then would I consider letting you go. Do we understand each other?”
I didn’t move, didn’t say anything.
He had a pained expression on his face, and he reached out and grabbed my good hand. “Bear, you have to promise me we’ll work this out. Together. We’re not moving from this spot until you promise me.”
I didn’t know what to say to Otter. No one had ever talked to me like that before, and I was angry and hurt. Subdued. But for a moment there, didn’t I feel like I was worth something? Didn’t the weight of his hand, the words he had spoken, make me feel warm? I felt the heat rise to my face, and I looked down at our hands, and felt another tear slip from my eye. What is going on? I thought frantically.
“Bear?”
“I promise,” I said, my voice breaking, and he leapt up from the table and pulled me to him again. He crushed me into him, and I wanted to crawl inside of him and disappear. I tried to make myself smaller as he rocked me back and forth saying, “I know. I know. I know.”
And I believed him.
WHEN I finally felt okay enough to let Otter go, he put his arm around my shoulders and walked me back out into the living room. Anna and Creed sat where we had before, whispering
back and forth. They heard us entering and stopped in mid-sentence. I tried not to think about what they had been saying, knowing I would probably get mad again, and then Otter would go for round two. He dropped his arm from my shoulders and stood next to me, waiting for me to speak.
“I’m… sorry,” I said, looking down at the floor. I didn’t know what else to say.
Otter took that as his cue. “Bear has had a change of heart. He knows we’re only looking out for him. But this only goes as far as it needs to. I don’t know how we’re going to keep a lid on this forever, but we’ll have to do our best while we can.”
Creed nodded and Anna stood. She walked over to me and grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward her room. I started to beg off, but Otter pushed me away, telling me he would keep an eye out on Ty. I looked back into his eyes and saw something there, something I couldn’t quite make out. He caught me watching him and smiled that Otter smile. Then I was around the corner, and he vanished from my sight.
Anna didn’t speak as she pulled me into the doorway of her room. She made sure I was through and shut the door behind us. She turned off the lights and began to take off my clothes. I knew what she was doing, and I didn’t want to stop her. I needed to feel close to someone right then, feel them hold me, feel their heart against mine. For just a few moments, I needed to forget about the aches, forget about the future, forget about the past. If this was going to be my last moment of freedom, I knew I needed to let it all out of me. As I entered her, I saw stars exploding all around me, and they were bright, and they were loud.
But there was still something nagging at back of my mind. Something about him.
A COUPLE of hours later, Anna lay asleep beside me, curled up into a ball at my shoulder. I couldn’t sleep. The weight of the world had fallen back against my shoulders, and I wasn’t able to push it away to let sleep come. I grew restless and, moving so as not to wake up my girlfriend, I pushed myself out of the bed and closed the door behind me.
The house was dark, and I bumped my way into the living room. I didn’t see anyone there except for Ty, who was illuminated by the moonlight pouring in softly from the window. I thought that Otter and Creed had gone home, and I couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. I told myself it was because I was hoping that they were as awake as I was. I hoped that at least Otter was still—
I heard a chuckle from off to my left. I looked over and saw him sitting on the ground, his back to the wall. “Feel any better?” he asked me.
I shrugged and went over and sat on the floor next to Ty. I pushed away a lock of hair that had fallen onto his face. I knew, like I had just had, that this was going to be his last bit of innocence. When he woke up, there would be questions, questions I still didn’t know the answer to. I hadn’t heard Otter move, but the next time he spoke, it came from right beside me.
“He’s a good kid,” he said. “You’ll do right by him. I’ve known you since you were almost his age, and you turned out okay, and you didn’t have anyone like he does.”
“I had Creed and your parents. I had Anna.” I paused, considering. “I had you.”
I heard him laugh again. “Yeah, I guess you did. And you turned out okay despite even that.”
“Where’s Creed?”
“He went to sleep in the guest room. Apparently he can’t sleep on the floor even for one damn night.”
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
I felt him shrug as he was now sitting down next to me. “I told you I would watch him. I meant it.”
I bumped my shoulder into him. “Thanks.”
He bumped me back. “You’re welcome.”
We sat there for a while, listening to Ty’s breathing, not saying anything. I finally felt myself growing tired, and Otter saw my head nod and told me to go back to bed. He would stay out there tonight. I shook my head.
“I shouldn’t,” I said. “I need to be here when Ty wakes up. If this is going to happen tomorrow like I think it is, then he needs to see me right away.”
“Okay, Bear. Do you know where Anna keeps any pillows or extra blankets?”
“In the hall closet.”
I heard him get up and walk away. I looked back at Ty, and my heart sank yet again. In a few hours, he would be awake. In a few hours, I was going to have to explain to my little brother what if felt like to have to grow up way before he was supposed to. I tried rehearsing what I was going to say, trying to imagine if he would even understand. But in the end, I was no further than where I started.
Otter came back, his arms full of bedding. He made me get up and spread the blanket next to the couch. He threw down the pillows, and I collapsed onto the ground, feeling my body shutting down. I laid on my back staring up at the ceiling, still able to see the Kid’s fingers as his hand dangled off the side of the couch. Otter stood where he had before, seeming unsure what to do.
“Are you gonna lay down or stand watch all night?” I asked, suddenly amused.
He appeared to hesitate for a moment, then lay next to me, a few feet away from me. We lay silent.
Then, “Otter?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“You know, for what you said. For being here.”
“Sure, Bear.” His hand brushed mine.
I was almost asleep when, “Bear?”
“Yeah?”
“Happy birthday.”
Then I was gone, a smile starting to form on my face.
I DREAMT that night. I dreamt a lot. But the one that sticks out the most was where I was following someone I didn’t know. I tried to catch up with him but every time I was close enough to grasp a piece of his clothing, he drifted away on an ocean current.
I WOKE near dawn. For a moment, I didn’t know where I was. I opened my eyes and saw the bottom of a couch. My face was almost resting against it. I felt pressure from my back and remembered where I was. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will it all away. Then the thing pressing against my back moved slightly, and I knew it was Otter. I heard him snoring softly, his wide back settled against mine. His body was pushing me into the couch where Ty still lay asleep. The dust from space near the floor tickled my nose. I shoved gently away from it, and turned over and huddled up next to Otter. He was warm. He was there. I fell back asleep.
I WOKE sometime later to a tapping on my forehead. I scowled, not wanting to open my eyes, the pillow I was lying on feeling too good to want to move. I squinted up, annoyed, and saw the Kid staring down at me from the coach, his eyes dancing.
“Hey, Bear,” he said.
“Hey, yourself,” I groaned, closing my eyes again.
“Why you sleeping on Otter?” he whispered, clearly amused.
I opened my eyes in a hurry. I turned my head slightly to the left and saw that the pillow I was laying on was Otter’s shoulder. His right arm was under my neck and wrapped around me on the other side, fingers splayed across my chest. One of my legs lay spread over his. He was still asleep. What the hell? I thought. I slowly extricated myself from him, never taking my eyes from his face. My heart was beating loudly in my ears, and I felt my skin buzzing. What the hell?
“Did we have a sleepover?” the Kid asked.
“Uh, yeah,” I said. Otter mumbled something in his sleep and turned over on his side, away from me.
“I’m hungry,” Ty said, stretching. “Do you think Anna still has Lucky Charms?”
“I don’t know, Kid. Let’s go look.” I picked him up from the couch and carried him toward the kitchen.
He pulled on my ear. “What?” I asked, suddenly way too awake.
“Don’t you want to wake up Otter so he can have some Lucky Charms with us?”
“Otters don’t eat Lucky Charms.”
He looked at me quizzically. “But Bears do, right?”
“Sure, Kid. That’s all Bears eat,” I said, taking one last look at Otter, splayed out on the floor. I trembled.
I carried Ty into the kitc
hen and set him down at the table. I walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled down the box of cereal and grabbed a bowl from the dishwasher. I set them in front of him, and he immediately opened the box, pouring the cereal into the bowl. I took the milk from the fridge and set it next to him. As soon as he was old enough to, the Kid never allowed anyone to make his cereal for him. He always wanted to do it himself. I sat in the chair beside him, my mind racing from everything.
“Aren’t you gonna have some, Bear?” he asked, smacking his lips over the spoon.
I leaned over and ruffled his hair. “I was just going to munch off of yours, if that’s okay.”
He looked down at the bowl then back up at me. “Okay,” he said slowly. “But you only get little bites. Not big ones.” He held the spoon in one hand and picked up two marshmallows and put them on the spoon. They were the green clovers. He knew those were my favorite. He held the spoon toward my mouth, and I chomped them off, making a noise that made him giggle.
“Hey, Bear!” the Kid said.
“Hey, yourself!” I said back.
“It’s your birthday!”
“It sure is.”
“I made you something! Well, Anna helped, but I made most of it. Can I go get it?”
“Sure, Kid. Just make sure you be quiet, okay?”
He nodded and took another bite and then jumped down from his chair, running out of the room. His socks made little scuffing noises on the tile.
I waited until he was gone then sunk back into my chair. My head was hurting. My neck was sore, apparently after spending the last few hours nuzzled into Otter’s neck. I groaned out loud, thanking God only Ty had found us like that. What would Creed have thought, seeing me sprawled against his brother? What about Anna? What the fuck was I thinking?
Whatever. I was tired and just rolled over onto his arm in my sleep. It’s no big deal. Who cares, anyway? So what if Creed had seen us? What, he would have called us a bunch of fags? It’s not like we were doing anything. Otter’s not like that. I’m not like that. It was an accident.