3
Choices
Tracy stood up, flipped her shoulder-length hair and took a deep breath. The cute boy was staring at her, and that made her uncomfortable. When she had been alive, the attention of cute boys always made her uncomfortable. Relationships were a waste of time, and she could not afford to waste time back then. Her life revolved around school, her family, and work. That was it. She wanted to go to a good college and get a good job, and she didn’t want a cute boy messing up her plans.
Of course there was no chance of this boy getting in the way of anything. No school. No family. No job. No future to plan for. And she had all the time in the world.
But the boy was a visitor. He would leave soon, visitors always did. Then it would be just her and Mack again. If she let herself get too close now, she would miss the boy when he was gone. It hurt when the people you loved left you forever, and they always did. If she let herself love him, sooner or later her heart would be broken. No. She wouldn’t let that happen. If she didn’t allow herself to want him, she wouldn’t miss him when he was gone.
But her heart made other plans.
Although it was an illusion, she could feel it racing in her chest. Her hands—although also illusions—were sweating. She put them in the back pockets of her dark jeans. Why was he staring at her so much? She wished he would stop.
She sighed. “Never seen a ghost before?”
“Oh, sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to...”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “It was a joke.”
“I couldn’t tell. You didn’t smile.”
“Yes, I did.” She knew she hadn’t, at least not a real smile with teeth showing and everything. Smiling didn’t come easily to her, but she didn’t like it when visitors pointed that out.
“Okay, you did. But just for the record, a smile is when the corners of your mouth go up like this.” He pointed at his mouth and put on a smile so wide it seemed like the parody of a smile.
Tracy almost laughed, but she looked away from him and down at her sneakers to hide it. When she glanced up at him for a second, she was frowning again. It was best not to encourage him. Still he never stopped smiling back at her.
For a moment they were silent. Tracy continued to feel herself squirm, both outside and in. She looked down at her sneakers again and only glanced up to see if he was still staring. He was. He seemed too calm, too quiet. Perhaps he was still in shock and denial. Perhaps the reality of his situation had yet to sink in.
The two days after she had died Tracy felt like she was watching a movie about someone else who had died in a fire, someone very much like her, but not her. She had wandered aimlessly, sometimes following Mack or one of the other teenagers who had died along with them. Her words and thoughts had wandered then, just like her feet. It took reality two days to catch up with her. She hadn’t taken the news of her death very well, even if she had pushed it off.
Perhaps this cute boy was the same, in his own way. Not that it mattered. He didn’t really need to adjust to being a ghost in the park, not when he would soon be in a better place.
Over the boy’s shoulder, Tracy saw Mack approaching, hand in hand with the little girl who had died on the bunny ride. The girl seemed eerily calm, too, despite the chaos of the ambulances and crowd around them.
“Hey, Tracy!” Mack called out.
“Hey, Mack,” Tracy said. “Who’s your new friend?”
“This is...” Mack blinked. “Wait, I didn’t ask you your name. What is it?”
“Ashley,” the little girl said, her eyes glued to Tracy’s face.
“Ashley,” Mack said. “And what about your new friend? What’s his name?”
“I don’t know,” Tracy said and turned to the new boy. “What is your name?”
“Josh.” he replied. “Stockwell.”
“Nice to meet you, Josh Stockwell,” Tracy said. “I’m Tracy Miller, and this is Mack.”
Josh smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Tracy Miller.”
That was odd. What did he mean by finally? But she shrugged it off. Someone who had just died was entitled to say a few odd things. But what was up with the all the staring? First Josh and now Ashley? Were they having a contest to see who could stare at her the longest?
Ashley pointed at Tracy and asked, “Why do you—?”
Mack interrupted her. “Hey, kid. Have you been on the merry-go-round, the really big one near the front of the park?”
“Nu-uh.”
“What about cotton candy? Have you had cotton candy? And a hot dog? They have the best hot dogs.”
“With ketchup?”
“Sure. You want it with ketchup, you can get it with ketchup. Come on, let’s go.”
Ashley’s smile quickly turned into a frown. “My mommy says I shouldn’t go anywhere with strangers.”
“And your mommy is right.” Tracy squatted to look into Ashley’s eyes, such pretty eyes that sparkled with the illusion of life. It was nice to be talking to a little girl again, instead of just Mack. “Your mommy loves you a lot and wants you to be safe, right?”
Ashley nodded. She twirled around to look at the crowd behind her. “Where is she? She said she’d wait on the bench.”
Tracy looked. There were two small crowds beside the ambulances. One had the weeping girl in the blood-splattered, pink halter top at the center of it. The other had to have Ashley’s mother.
Tracy took Ashley’s hand and led her through the crowd. Tracy tried to limit her contact with the living to her body, not her head. She didn’t want to pass her eyes through anything, especially not someone else’s head or, yuck, their eyes. Literally seeing things through someone else’s eyes was just too weird.
Her guess had been right. Ashley’s mother sat on the pavement beside the ambulance, shaking her head from side to side and crying. “Oh, my baby. Oh, my little Ashley. Oh, my baby...”
Ashley placed her hands on her mother’s knees. “Mommy?”
But her mother continued to shake her head and repeated the same words. Ashley glanced up at Tracy.
“She can’t hear or see you,” Tracy explained. “But she loves you. Can you feel it?”
“Uh-huh.” Ashley nodded a great big nod that rippled from her head to her shoulders to her waist. She put her ear up to her mother’s heart and smiled. “I can hear it too. But she looks sad. I don’t want her to be sad.”
“She can’t help it. She misses you...” Tracy’s voice cracked. She paused to take a breath. “... And she doesn’t know if you’re okay.”
Ashley nodded again. She put her arms around her mother’s neck. Although her mother couldn’t feel them, her head stopped shaking, and her lips quieted.
“I love you, Mommy,” Ashley said. “And I’ll wait for you right here. I’m okay. I promise.”
Ashley’s mother wiped her own tears and let out a long sigh.
It was amazing how love could do that: bridge the worlds of the living and the dead. Fear couldn’t. Anger couldn’t. Even Ashley’s mother’s sadness could only be seen and heard, not felt. But the love between Ashley and her mother was so strong it radiated off both of them and made Ashley glow. Tracy could not help but feel a little jealous.
Ashley gave her mother a peck on the cheek and one last squeeze before slowly letting her go. Then she took Tracy’s hand and walked away, leaving her mother and the crowd and the ambulances behind. Mack and Josh followed.
Security had succeeded in clearing visitors from most of Fairy-Tale Fun Land.
“Due to technical problems,” the speaker system announced, “the Amazing Lands Theme Park is now closed.” The living people around them groaned. “Please have your pass stamped at the exit for a future visit. We regret this inconvenience and look forward to seeing you again soon. Have an amazing day!”
Park visitors started streaming back to the main gate. They whined and asked each other questions. What technical problems? Why did they have to
leave? No one seemed to know the answers.
Mack whined too. “Aw, no fair. Now we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to have any fun.”
He plopped down on a plastic bench by a table in front of a food stand. Tracy sat opposite him, and Ashley sat beside her. There was just one place left at the table. Josh sat there beside Mack. The park employees working at the stand were throwing out the hot dogs on the slow turning grill and the soft pretzels in the glass case. Those could only be sold fresh and wouldn’t last until the morning. The workers slowly put things away and cleared the tables. There was no rush, not for them.
“Don’t you want to say goodbye to your girlfriend?” Tracy asked Josh.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he replied.
“Uh, yeah, you do,” Tracy said. “Pink halter top, short skirt. Screams like a cross between a school bell having a fit and a dog whistle.”
“You mean Jen Baker?” Josh asked. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Jen Baker seemed to think so.”
Josh tilted his head, still staring at Tracy. “That’s something you don’t hear often.”
“What?”
“Jen Baker’s name in a sentence with the word ‘think.’”
Tracy smirked, and Josh’s smile widened. Tracy rolled her eyes. “Well, if you think so little of her, what were you doing in the Bunny Hole?”
“You don’t want to know,” Mack said.
Josh blushed.
“Ohhh,” Tracy said. “So it was like that.”
“It wasn’t my idea,” Josh said. “She was all over me.”
“Not like you were fighting her off or anything,” Mack said.
Josh started to object, but then he closed his mouth and turned again to Tracy. “I’m not like that.”
“Course not,” Tracy replied. “I’m sure you were just being polite. A half-naked girl throws herself at you; who are you to say no? I think I figured out what happened to Ashley, but how exactly did you die?”
“Same way you did,” Mack said. “You should have seen him. Man, you missed a great show.”
Tracy looked at Josh, her eyes narrowed. “You died trying to save her?”
“Yeah,” Josh replied. “I know, pretty stupid. I even knew what was going to happen, but it was like I had no choice. I just couldn’t watch her die without... doing something. And you?”
“Tracy died trying to save me,” Mack said. “Weird world, huh?”
“Where?” Josh asked.
Tracy didn’t answer. Josh’s stares were making her uncomfortable again, so she just looked at her hands on the table. She examined her short fingernails.
Mack shrugged. “We both died years ago in the House of Horrors. Tracy was working there, and—”
Josh jumped up from his place at the table and smiled broadly. “Of course, that’s why you’re wearing that makeup! I wasn’t expecting you to be a Goth, but now I get it.”
Tracy gasped and touched her face with both hands.
“I thought you were dressed for Halloween,” Ashley said.
Tracy jumped off the bench and shouted at Mack, “You said it came off!”
Mack shrugged again. “I got sick of you asking me, ‘Is it still there? Is it still there? Mack, do I still have makeup on my face? How about now? Is it off now?’ You were like a broken record.”
Tracy ran to the Frog Prince’s Pond. The sprinklers, river and waterfall were off, but there was water in the shallow pools. She knelt and tried to wash her face. Although she didn’t disturb the surface of the real water, she could see the ghostly liquid in her hands, feel it as the ghostly drops splashed cool on her skin. But when she pulled her hands away, there was no makeup on them. She picked up more ghostly water and rubbed her face until it started to sting. Still no makeup on her hands.
Mack stood beside the pool and crossed his arms. “I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not like you’re some kind of hideous Frankenstein monster or something. You look kind of pretty.” He elbowed Josh in the ribs.
“Oh, you do,” Josh said. “You honestly... You’re...”
Tracy raised her eyes to meet his. He stopped and stared at her. What did he mean when he said he didn’t expect her to be a Goth, anyway? What was a Goth, and why would he not expect her to be one? Why would he expect her to be anything at all?
Tracy’s insides flip-flopped, and she felt like she was about to start crying again.
Then he smiled at her. “You’re beautiful,” he said.
Although it didn’t look like the fake smile he had on for Jen Baker when they were standing in line, Tracy didn’t believe it or his words were sincere.
“I think it’s kind of pretty, too,” Ashley said. “I like your red lipstick and your eyes. And the white in your hair.”
Tracy ran her fingers through her hair. Even the white streak was still there? Great.
“Thanks,” Tracy grumbled.
“So, Tracy,” Josh said. “You didn’t know about the...?” He pointed in a circle at his own face.
“The makeup?” Tracy said. “No, we can’t see ourselves in mirrors.” She looked down and splashed a little in the pool. Ghost droplets rose into the air. “I can’t even see myself in the water.”
“It’s one of the rules,” Mack explained. “There are a lot of rules, but most of them are good, really good. You’ll see, this place really is unbelievable.”
He raised his hands to the skies with his back to them. The sunlight breaking through the clouds silhouetted his form and marked a long ghostly shadow on the ground. He was in full-show-off mode. There was nothing he liked more than talking about the park. He was like a collector waxing poetic about his baseball cards, or a king looking at the view from the tallest tower of his castle, a king who knew that everything he saw was his.
“This is the Amazing Lands Theme Park,” he announced. “And no one but no one gets to enjoy it as much as we do. Special ticket rides? You can ride them, and you don’t have to pay. Concerts? You can hear every single one of them. You can hear the best, and you can even sit right up on the stage. Food? Nothing but hot dogs, ice cream, pizza—”
Tracy interrupted him. “Some of the restaurants serve salads, you know.”
“Now why would anyone want a salad when you can get something good?” Mack said. “And you never get sick too. You can eat and eat and eat—”
Tracy interrupted him again. “I get sick.”
“You don’t have to get sick if you don’t want to get sick,” Mack said. “You see what you have here is choice. You get to choose what you want, and it’s nothing but the best. Day after day, week after week, year after year—nothing but the best.”
“You’re leaving out the winters,” Tracy said.
“What happens in the winters?” Josh asked.
“Nothing,” Mack and Tracy replied together.
“We just sleep,” Tracy said.
“It’s kind of like hibernating,” Mack said. “We shut down when the park does. There’s nothing to do here when the park is closed, so it’s just better to sleep through it. But when the winter is over, we wake up from a wonderful dream to an even better one. This is the Amazing Lands Theme Park, and it’s all ours! What could be better than that?”
“I don’t know why you’re trying to sell them on the park,” Tracy said, folding her arms across her chest. “It’s not like they’re going stay that long.”
“We’re not?” Josh said.
“No,” Tracy said. “Because there’s another choice Mack forgot to mention. The choice pretty much everyone makes.”
Mack frowned. “Yeah, there is.”
“What’s that?” Ashley asked.
“The Light.” Tracy stepped out of the pool, got down on the wet knees of her jeans, put her hands on Ashley’s arms, and looked into her eyes. “Of course, it isn’t just a light. It’s Heaven. It’s where all good people go when they die. Everyone who ever loved you who died is wai
ting for you. It’s better than a theme park, better than anything you could ever have on Earth. It’s where you and Josh belong.”
“If it’s so terrific,” Mack said, crossing his arms, “why aren’t you there?”
Tracy looked away.
“Didn’t you get a choice?” Josh whispered.
“Of course I got a choice!” Tracy shouted. “What do you think? That I’m some kind of monster? Everyone gets a choice. But I lost my life trying to save Mack, and I don’t believe in quitting in the middle of a job just because it’s hard. The Light will come back when I’m ready, and I’m not leaving until Mack is ready to go to the Light too. That’s all.”
“Yeah, well,” Mack said, “I don’t buy that.”
“Neither do I.” Josh ran his fingers through his hair. Tracy thought it was cute the first few times he did that, but not anymore. “There has to be a different reason why you’ve stayed. What is it?”
“There is no other reason!” Tracy screamed. “God, what is with you people? The Light is Heaven. What reason could I possibly have to not want to go to Heaven?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.”
Tracy clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and let out a muffled shriek. “What are you, some kind of stupid psychologist?”
Ashley tugged on the gauzy white sleeve of Tracy’s top.
Tracy sighed. “What, sweetie?”
“Do you really know what the Light is?” Ashley asked.
Tracy thought a moment. “Yes... no... sort of...” She paused. “You’ll see, Ashley. You’ll see when it gets here. It feels nice. You can’t exactly see them, but you know people who love you are there. You can feel it. And their love kind of sings to you, like laughter. You’ll see.”
“And it’s better than here?”
“Much better than here.”
“But you don’t know that,” Mack said, his arms still crossed. “The only thing you know is that the Light can come for you a million times, but once you go to it, that’s it. You can’t come back. The Light is the end. You don’t know if it’s better there. You don’t even know it’s better here.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tracy felt herself being sucked into another one of their stupid arguments. She didn’t want to be, but she couldn’t help it. Mack was always pressing her buttons.
“You try to make the worst of everything. You just go around being miserable all the time. You’re a stick in the mud, a party pooper. Anyone have a party that needs pooping? Tracy’s here to do the job.”
“That is so not true.”
“Oh, yes, it is.”
“Oh, no, it’s not.”
“Oh, yes, it is.”
“I am not a party pooper!” Tracy shouted. “You take that back.”
“If fun dropped from the sky into your lap, you would poop on it.”
“Yeah, well, maybe that’s because someone has to be responsible.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Why?”
“Mack, I’m warning you.”
“Oh, like I’m really scared.” Mack shook his knees in an exaggerated show of pretend fear. “What are you going to do?”
“I, I...”
“I, I...”
Tracy rolled her eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry,” she told Josh. Then she turned back to Mack. “Why do we always have to have the same conversation?”
“I don’t know,” Mack said. “Maybe if you would tell the truth and learn to lighten up.”
“I am telling the truth.”
“I don’t believe you. Even the new guy who has been here less than ten minutes doesn’t believe you.”
Tracy shook her head. “Well, there’s nothing I can do about that. Besides, he’s not really ‘the new guy.’ He’s a visitor. Soon he’ll be...”
A light in the sky that was different from the sun attracted Tracy’s attention to the west. In front of the clouds on the horizon there appeared to be a second sun below and to the left of the first, but the new light was bright white instead of golden. Tracy straightened and pointed. “The Light.”
She stepped to Ashley’s side, gently turned her around, and took her hand.
Ashley’s face glowed. “Oh, it’s beautiful.”
“Do you feel that?” Tears welled up in Tracy’s eyes as she felt things she didn’t want to feel. She had known people who had died while she was still alive, and their voices sang to her now. But there was one voice that shined brighter than the rest. It encircled her with love. It shined with forgiveness.
But Tracy did not want to be loved. She wasn’t ready to be forgiven. She wasn’t ready to forgive. Still, whether she wanted them to or not, they remembered and loved her. Come join us, they sang in a song without words. It is time.
But a voice deep inside Tracy replied with anger, fear, sadness and confusion, pulling her away. It told her she did not belong in the Light. She didn’t deserve it. And no matter what the voices inside it sang, this was not her time. The Light was not here for her. It was here for Ashley and Josh. This was their time, not hers.
“Do you feel it?” she asked Ashley again.
“Uh, huh, Grandpa is there.”
“And you?” she asked Josh.
For a long while Josh didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. Love radiated off his face in a soft glow and tears streamed down his cheeks. “I never thought I’d see my cousin Mark again. He died from cancer when we were both twelve. It’s good to see him so happy. And my Uncle Finn, and my great-grandparents. It’s... amazing.”
Tracy nodded. Josh was right. It was amazing, even if it wasn’t for her.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Mack grumbled.
“Doesn’t he...?” Josh began to ask.
“No,” Tracy whispered. “Someone who loves you has to be there, and Mack doesn’t have anyone like that.”
“Not even a grandparent?” Josh whispered back.
Tracy shook her head.
She held Ashley’s hand, pulled her forward, and then let her go. “Go on, Ashley. Go to your grandpa. It’s time for you to shine.”
Ashley took one tiny step forward. Then she stopped. “But what about my mommy? I promised I would wait for her here.”
“It’s okay,” Tracy replied. “She’ll know where to find you. Your mother is good, right?”
“She’s the best in the world.”
“And all good people go to the Light when they die, so your mother will find you there.”
Ashley took another tiny step forward.
“Good thing you’re going,” Mack said, his voice rising teasingly, like a roller coaster rising ever so slowly before the rush of a steep drop. He smiled. “More cotton candy for me.”
Ashley stopped and licked her lips. “Cotton candy?”
“Ashley, you don’t need—” Tracy started to say.
Mack interrupted her. “And there’s the merry-go-round. And the hot dogs. All you can eat . . . with ketchup.”
Ashley grinned. “I promised Mommy I would wait here.”
Tracy placed her hands on Ashley’s shoulders and looked into her eyes again. “Don’t listen to Mack. He’s nothing but trouble.” Mack harrumphed, but Tracy ignored him. “The Light is where you belong. You know how the best stories end with ‘happily ever after?’ Well, the Light is happily ever after. You deserve to be there, not here. This is just a theme park, and everything we feel here—it’s just an illusion. It isn’t real. It’s fake, just like everything else here. Only the Light is real. It’s where all good people belong when they die. It’s where you belong, Princess Ashley, where every story ends with happily ever after.”
“I know those stories,” Mack said. “First, they’re all a load of crap. Second, they talk about living happily ever after. This is the real world, the world of the living, not the Light. That’s the world of the dead. Besides, it’s not like that old Light doesn’t come back. It co
mes back over and over. You’ll have a chance to go to it again, but once you go that’s it. You can’t come back. No one ever does. This is your only chance to enjoy the Amazing Lands Theme Park like no one else. Stick with me, kid, and I’ll show you what real fun is.”
Ashley smiled at Mack. Mack grinned. Tracy shook her head. This was ridiculous. Ashley belonged with her grandfather. She belonged with the people who loved her. Tracy shouldn’t have to convince Ashley of that. “Josh, tell her.”
“Tell her what?” Josh asked.
“Tell her to go to the Light. You didn’t die trying to save her just so she could spend forever going on rides and eating hot dogs.”
Josh looked to the side and narrowed his eyes. He slowly ran a finger over his lips. The others waited. “You’re right,” he finally said. “Ashley does belong in the Light.”
“See?” Tracy told Ashley.
But then Josh added, “We all do.”
“What?” Tracy could not believe what she was hearing. “By ‘we’ you mean you and Ashley.”
“No, I mean all of us. You said you didn’t want to leave a job half finished. You tried to save Mack, but you couldn’t, so you want make sure he gets to Heaven. I tried to save Ashley, but I couldn’t, so I need to make sure—”
“You need to make sure Ashley gets to Heaven. With you.”
“And with you.” Josh stood face to face with Tracy. He was very close. Too close. “That must be why I’m here, to help you go to the Light.”
Tracy glared at him and gritted her teeth. “I. Don’t. Need. Your. Help.”
“Maybe not,” Josh replied. “But I’m still not going without you.”
“But you have to. Ashley—”
“Yay, I’m staying.” Ashley skipped over to Mack and took his hand. Mack smiled victoriously and led her back toward the table by the food stand.
“I don’t think there will be any hot dogs left now,” Mack said. “But in the morning, you’ll see. More hot dogs than you can eat.”
“With ketchup?”
“With ketchup.”
“What do you think you’re doing?” Tracy shouted at Josh.
Josh ran his fingers through his hair again and let out a deep breath. “I know you’re not staying for Mack, but I still haven’t figured you out. I don’t know if you’re scared—”
“Hey, I’m not scared!” Tracy wished she hadn’t screamed that. The sudden twist in her voice sure made her sound scared.
“—Or if you have some of that ‘unfinished business’ ghosts are supposed to have—”
She shook her head and waved the suggestion away. “No unfinished business.”
He raised a finger to his chin and then lowered it again. “You’re hiding something.”
“I am not!” Tracy shouted. “GAA! I don’t need someone to rescue me, okay? I’m fine. I’ve been here with Mack for years. I don’t know what your problem is, but I don’t need you. Ashley is the one who needs you.” She leaned in close and whispered, “If you don’t take her to the Light, she’s going to end up like Mack. She’ll be stuck her forever. Is that what you want?”
“No.”
Tracy pursed her lips and gestured toward Ashley in a way that said, “Well, then, what are you going to do about it?”
“I’m perfectly willing to take Ashley, but not without you.”
“But I can’t go,” she whispered, “because Mack will never go.”
Josh stared at her, and for a long time he didn’t reply. He crossed his arms and smiled. “You say you’re not giving up on Mack. Well, I’m not giving up on you.”
The Light started to fade, taking with it the singing that sounded like laughter and the glow that shined like love.
“Will it come back?” Josh asked.
“Why, do you want to go now?” Tracy hoped his answer would be yes, but he just shook his head. She sighed. “It will come back the next time someone is ready to go to it. That’s why it was here, because you and Ashley were ready to go.” A few seconds later the Light was completely gone. Tracy sighed. “You should have left. You were supposed to go. I wanted you to go.”
Josh shrugged. “We don’t always get what we want in life.”
“This isn’t life.”
He tried to take Tracy’s hand, but she again let go of the illusion that was her hand, and his fingers slipped through hers.
“I guess we don’t always get what we want in death either,” she heard him grumble as she walked away.