Beauty, Mere Beauty
By Anne Spackman
Copyright 2014
By Anne Spackman
“Give me a dream, Sophie, and I’ll give you one back.” Said Chris suddenly, as they were hiking Hadrian’s Wall, the remnant of the Roman wall that traversed northern England.
“What?” Sophie was confused by this statement.
“Just feeling on top of the world,” Chris said, literally standing on top of Hadrian’s Wall and looking out over the English countryside.
“Chris, be careful,” Sophie said with a note of fear in her voice.
“I’m fine,” he reassured her. “I’ve been hiking and rock climbing all of my life.”
“All right, you know best,” Sophie said with a shrug.
“I am having one of those moments when I am grateful for everything, but nothing is making sense—”
“You of all people,” she teased. “Not making sense.”
He laughed, combing his hands through his brown hair. “I was just thinking about my past, and meeting you, and other things I’ve done right and wrong over the course of my life.”
Sophie sighed. “And you’re doing it right now,” she laughed.
“Well, I am enjoying myself, though.” Chris said, looking around. “Gorgeous place, lovely weather…”
“I know you are,” Sophie agreed. She also knew that Chris was such a deep thinker that he seldom really let go and enjoyed himself. He was always thinking things through, and he was a cautious sort of man. “But you don’t have to convince me,” said Sophie. “I know you love this place already.”
Chris knelt down and picked a flower for Sophie. He held it out to her, and she accepted it, tucking it behind her ear.
“Thank you, Chris,” said Sophie. “It’s lovely.”
“It’s just, well—what used to matter to me,” said Chris, with a strange kind of thoughtfulness, “no longer does, and it makes me upset. I guess I just need to spend some time figuring out what makes me happy most, forget some of the past, and start over, or at least start fresh a bit.”
“Wow,” said Sophie. “What do you mean—you love your work, your research—”
“Yes, I do. It’s the other things, things I think about when I’m not working that are making me dissatisfied. My interest in things outside of work, like reading, jogging, watching a foreign film that transports me to another world…”
“I understand then,” said Sophie. “I think.”
“Ok,” said Chris, shaking his head. “Now, let’s just head back to town and have dinner. I am ravenous!”
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” said Sophie, and she took a drink of water from her bottled water that she had brought with her. They returned to the rental car and sped into the nearest town along Hadrian’s Wall.
* * * * *
“Sophie, you look like an angel,” said Chris.
“I do?” said Sophie. She seemed surprised.
“Your hair is beautiful curled like that, and you’re wearing such a nice white top. I think you look like an angel.”
Sophie melted and started blushing.
Chris was pleased. “I made you blush.” Sophie laughed.
“What do you want?” asked the waiter.
“Let’s try the rowan berry jelly with oat crackers and cheese to start,” suggested Chris. I’ll have a stout, and an order of Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.”
“I’ll have a soda and fish and chips, please,” said Sophie. The waiter gathered the menus and left.
“Sophie, I want this night to be special,” said Chris. “We’ve come all the way to England, and now we’re here together, having dinner, and we’ve only got four more days of our holiday. Then we have to get back to work, but I feel sort of guilty for taking a holiday in the middle of my research.”
“You haven’t had a holiday in a year, Dr. Brown,” said Sophie. “You can’t go on and on working without rest every now and again. Enjoy it while we’re here. You’ll be back at the hospital soon enough.”
“I suppose, I suppose,” Chris said. “I always wanted to see Hadrian’s Wall, and now I’m getting to do it. It would be nice to find a longer hike along the way. We’ll find one tomorrow.”
“Yes,” she said.
“You know why I love you?” asked Chris. She stopped and put down her drink. “Because you have never lost your faith in me, and in other people. You believe in others, and want them to succeed and to be their better selves. And you are the kindest person I have ever known. But,” he said. “I think we aren’t really right for each other.”
“You don’t?” she was immediately upset by the last part of what he had said.
“Because, I don’t know what I want anymore, for my own life, and I’m afraid to hurt you—at some point.”
She was already hurt by this. “Why didn’t you wait to tell me this until after the end of our holiday together?” she asked.
“Because I’ve been holding it in for a long time. I needed to tell you as soon as possible that I wish we could just be friends. That would be the best thing for us both. But I’d understand if we can’t after today.”
She sat in thought. “I don’t know. It’s usually the other way around—the woman telling the man that she’d like to just be friends, and not lovers.”
“Are you all right, Sophie? I am sorry to have told you now, but I couldn’t wait. I needed not to waste any more of your time in a relationship. And I meant what I said about giving me a dream. I always needed something from you that isn’t there, I suppose, and it was unfair of me when we started dating to expect you to change and be what I wanted you to be.”
“I am just surprised, Chris.” Said Sophie. “I thought we were happy together.”
“We were, and I was surprised, too, by how I started to feel, but I know I had to tell you before too much longer once I realized what it all meant.”
“Sure, we can be friends, Chris,” Sophie said at last, a bit tremulously. “I guess. I do care about you as a friend. I guess I don’t mind just being friends from now on. And though that is surprising to me, I guess I really don’t mind what’s happening.”
Chris sighed in relief. “It’s nice not to lose you entirely from my life.”
* * * * *
Sophie walked along the hike, several paces behind Chris, and picked a tiny blue wildflower and gave it a close look. She loved the birds singing—blackbirds and song thrushes, if she guessed correctly. The wind was waving the grasses. It was sheer paradise out there in the English countryside.
Sophie felt at a loss for words that afternoon. She had loved Chris, but knew that he didn’t understand her, nor she him. It was perhaps best this way, that they were separating.
The woods near Hadrian’s Wall where they were hiking were lovely, full of hawthorn, tall beech, hazel… Sophie was getting tired, as she had on some really heavy and big hiking boots. She continued on, however, figuring that the exhaustion would help her sleep that night.
“Sophie,” Chris said suddenly, turning around.
“Yes?”
“I just wanted to make sure that you were behind me. You were so quiet.”
“I was lost in thought,” said Sophie. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
* * * * *
Their holiday had come to an end, and they were flying out of Gatwick airport. Sophie and Chris had checked their bags in, and were waiting at a café, drinking coffee.
They seemed to be enjoying the coffee, and had been friendly the whole time since northern England and their drive back to London, but Sophie’s spirits were down, and she was trying to hold it together.
“Sophie, need anything to eat?” Chris asked in real
concern.
“No,” said Sophie. “I’ll be fine.”
And the trip home seemed to last forever.
* * * * *
Sophie came into her small apartment, dragging a big, heavy suitcase on wheels. She was tired, and went straight to bed as soon as she had found a nightgown in her belongings.
The next morning, Sophie headed to work—she worked as a researcher at a lab, and was glad she could bury her head, so to speak, in her job.
“Sophie,” said Richard Shaw as he came by. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” said Sophie.
“Aww, come on. You just got back from vacation.”
“Yes, I did.”
“Well?”
“My boyfriend informed me somewhere in darkest England that he wants to be friends, and not be with me anymore as anything else.”
“Need a hug?” suggested Richard, and he reached down and hugged her. “Cheer up. Go out. Be young and happy.”
* * * * *
That night, Sophie called her girl friend Susan and the two decided to go out to a local bar. Sophie as a rule didn’t like going to bars, but she didn’t exactly plan what she was doing.
She was dressed in a blue mini-dress. Susan had on a nice blouse and skirt. They were ready to take on the town.
“I didn’t care for Chris, actually,” said Susan with a shrug. “He may have been training to be a doctor, but if you ask me, he was too selfish.”
“I don’t know,” said Sophie. “We’re all selfish.”
“Yes, but you know Chris was more selfish than you are.”
“I still care for him, and I know it’s hard on him, what he’s going through right now. He wants to finally be a doctor and keep going with his medical research, and it takes so much of his time being at the hospital, that he probably is under a lot of stress, and doesn’t think I’m the right woman for him, which maybe I’m not.”
“Still, the guy could have waited until you were back in America to tell you so.”
Sophie shrugged.
“Sophie, you’re pretty, and you’re smart. But maybe Chris needs an eye exam,” said Susan.
“Thanks, Susan, for being the protective and supportive friend,” said Sophie.
“That guy is looking at you,” said Susan.
“Which one?”
“The kid over by the bar.”
“He’s too young, Susan.”
“Doesn’t mean he isn’t looking.”
“Ahem, let’s just look away.”
“Suit yourself. He’s really nice-looking.”
“But I understand what Chris meant,” resumed Sophie. “I have been looking for someone I can understand and enjoy his company and mind, and Chris was really fun, intelligent—”
“Still, you realized he wasn’t the one, when he said so.”
“Yup. I’m afraid so.” Said Sophie. “I still care about him, and maybe I always will, but I know he made the right decision.”
“Plenty of fish,” said Susan with a shrug. “Just keep looking.”
* * * * *
Sophie and Susan were a bit inebriated. They each caught a separate taxi and Sophie returned to her apartment, feeling really like kissing someone, only there was no one to kiss. She went to bed and got up late the next Saturday morning, and tried a cup of dandelion tea and sat down to read the paper.
At eleven o’ clock, she decided to go out on a walk to the store for groceries, and came home with a bag in each arm. On the way home, she ran into a guy who had just started working at the lab. He was walking really fast.
“Sorry,” he said, as he bumped into her. He stopped and turned.
“Sophie? From work.” He said, recognizing her.
“Should I know you?” asked Sophie.
“Jeremy Kiel.”
“Ok, you know me, but—”
“The lab.”
“Oh, ok.” Sophie nodded.
“Here, let me help you with that.” Said Jeremy, taking a bag for her.
“But aren’t you going somewhere?” asked Sophie.
“Nope, just out for my morning walk, which used to be a run until I injured my knee cap.”
“Oh.”
“Where to?”
“Harper Ave.”
“All right,” he said. “I can swing by there.”
“Thank you.” She said.
“Are you busy this afternoon?” asked Jeremy.
“Why?”
“I have a good idea—a walk in the park and used bookstore shopping. Maybe a music store in the city—we can take the bus.”
“All right, well, ok.”
* * * * *
Two months later, Jeremy was making breakfast in Sophie’s kitchen.
“I want you to know that I will always love you.” He said.
“Uh-oh,” thought Sophie. “You love me?”
“I just had to say that now because I got another job in Toronto.”
“When? Toronto—that’s a long way away.” Sophie said. “I didn’t even know you were looking for another job.”
“Well, I had to. My work permit expires in a short while. I have to leave. Toronto’s home, or was, and always will be.”
She was silent. “Why don’t you marry me?”
“Marry you?” said Jeremy.
“If you don’t want to leave the city, that is. You love me, and I love you. We don’t have to just break up, do we?”
“I guess not, but you don’t know me that well, and I don’t know you.”
“That’s true. But I like you. And that’s why. Ever since I visited your apartment that first day, and you made me dinner.”
“I can’t sing, you know.”
She started laughing.
“Ok,” he said. “I do.”
The End.