Tiara beamed with pride. “Like for our huts, we used engineering and physics. And interior decorating.”
“Well, isn’t that a kick in the head? That’s pretty darn cute.”
Tiara felt like she wanted to say something to Ladybird. She wanted to tell her that it wasn’t cute. It was awesome. And smart. And really cool that they’d managed to do it all together, without any help from anybody. But these people were here to rescue her, and she didn’t want to make waves. So she said, “I put flowers in mine.”
Ladybird gave her two thumbs up and smiled. “Fan-tas-tic!”
Tiara knew she should feel good that she made everyone smile like when she was little and did her sparkle hips and blew kisses. But she didn’t. She felt like a sellout.
“The good folks at The Corporation there are gonna give y’all a little tour and let you test our new beauty products, and then I have a super surprise for all my Teen Dreamers.” Ladybird Hope paused for dramatic effect. “We would like for you to stage the pageant right there on the island. Isn’t that something?”
The girls exchanged puzzled looks.
“It’ll be a real tribute to what you girls have been through, to let the world see how you triumphed. We think the folks back home would love it. It might be the highest-rated show ever. You girls will be famous!”
“Well, we were kind of hoping to go home as soon as possible …” Adina started.
Ladybird Hope’s expression changed to one of disapproval. “Well. Of course, if that’s what you want. I would just think that you would want to say a big thank-you to the folks who rescued you and be a credit to girls everywhere. But if you don’t want to, we’ll just cancel the pageant this year.”
“No, we’ll do it,” Miss Ohio said.
Ladybird smiled. “Terrific! Oh, I’m so happy. Don’t you worry, it’s going to be great,” Ladybird assured them with a wink.
“When?” Nicole asked.
“Tomorrow night,” Ladybird answered.
“And we could tell them all the stuff we’ve learned about eating grubs and safe sex and vaginas,” Tiara said.
Petra grinned. “Tiara, you said the V word. Gimme five.”
“That would blow their little minds, wouldn’t it?” Jennifer said with a smirk. “Hello, America. My new platform is Kicking Ass, Girl-Style.”
“My goodness, I don’t know what you girls are talking about, but it hurts my ears! So stop it,” Ladybird Hope chided. She put a hand to her heart. “You know what? America needs you girls. It’s no secret the world’s as messed up as a hockey game played on non-Zambonied ice right now. It needs you to smile and wave and remind us that we are a great nation full of pretty. And that we will not allow any threats to our pretty. No matter what.”
On the screen, Ladybird Hope leaned closer to the camera. The angle was not kind. There was a pronounced ridge in her top lip from too much filler. “Now. You Dreams have a nice lunch, and then I believe you need to go shopping.”
45Alexandra’s Clandestine Closet, the number-one lingerie store, whose most popular undergarment is the Bicycle Pump-assiereTM, a bra with built-in tires that can be pumped up to simulate any cup size.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Mary Lou’s throat hurt from screaming, but no one could hear her down in this cave near the ocean. She and Tane had been tied together and dangled from a hook, which was slowly lowering them over a piranha-filled tank. Below their feet, the ugly, sharp-toothed fish darted back and forth, waiting to take the two of them down to bones. The rope gave a jerk as it lowered another half inch. A piranha leapt, startling Mary Lou, who screamed.
“You all right?” Tane called.
“Yeah. Those things creep me out. Are you okay?”
“Other than being lowered to my death, yes.”
“At least we’re together.”
“True. But I wish you weren’t here. I wish it were just me and you were safe.”
“Awww, so sweet!” The rope jerked again. “Aaaaahh!”
“At least we’re getting a fancy, Greek mythology–style death. They could have just given us quick bullets to the head. Now we get to die in style,” Tane said.
“Was that supposed to be comforting? Because, no offense, it wasn’t.”
“Nah. I always hated those stories anyway. It’s like, any time a human tries to break out and take action for him-or herself, the gods punish that person. Like Prometheus — he brings Zeus’s fire back from the mountain. He enlightens mankind, and so they chain him to a rock and an eagle eats his liver every day.”
“My mom tried to get me to eat liver at Rita’s Cafeteria one time. I wrapped it in my napkin and flushed it down the toilet.” A piranha surfaced. It snapped its teeth. “Yikes. Okay. Need distraction. Tell me another story.”
“Princess Andromeda was chained to a rock as a virgin sacrifice to stop Poseidon’s sea monster from devouring everything.”
“Wow. They really liked the rock-death thingy,” Mary Lou said. “What did she do wrong?”
“Nothing. Poseidon was punishing her mother for bragging about her daughter’s beauty.”
“There we are with the braggy again,” Mary Lou said. “So, Andromeda didn’t even do anything wrong and she ended up in the ocean? Why?”
“They needed a virgin sacrifice. But then Perseus came and saved her.”
“Because the pure girls get rescued.” Mary Lou felt something she didn’t let herself feel often: She was well and truly pissed off. “Why do girls have to be all pure and innocent and good? Why don’t guys have to be?”
“No argument here. I always thought it was pretty silly.”
“If I weren’t about to die, I would totally rewrite that.”
“If I weren’t about to be eaten by piranhas, I would tell you that I love you.”
Mary Lou smiled. “You can still tell me that.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Even though I’m a wild girl who likes sex and adventure? Even though I’m not a pure and chaste princess who needs rescuing? Well, technically, I do need rescuing. We both do. But that’s not the point.”
“I love you for who you are, not for who the world thinks you should be.”
Tane stretched his hand through the ropes as far as it would go. He was just able to grasp the tips of Mary Lou’s fingers. Mary Lou’s eyes filled with tears. “Wouldn’t you know, just when I feel okay about myself and find a cool guy, I’m gonna be killed off.” The rope jerked harder this time, and both Tane and Mary Lou reacted. It swung out a bit, bringing them close to the ledge. Mary Lou could almost touch it with her feet. She had an idea.
“When my sister and I were kids, we used to have this old tire swing, and we’d swing out over this creek every day in the summer.”
“Seems an odd time for reminiscing, but go on.”
“See, we’d hold on and swing really hard and try to make it to the other side. If we use our weight, I’ll bet we could reach that ledge.”
“Dunno. That rope’s a bit dodgy. Could snap if we pull too hard, and then we’re piranha food.”
“We’re piranha food if we don’t. I don’t know about you, but if I’m gonna be chained to a rock by the gods, I’d rather go out as the person who brought fire back from the mountain than as a pure princess who didn’t have the sense to say to everyone, “Oh, hell no, you are not sacrificing me to some sea monster!”
“You’ve got a point. Let’s do it.”
Mary Lou wasn’t sure if her plan would work. Plenty of times, she and Annie had fallen right into the cold creek. But it was worth a try. It took a second to get it — Mary Lou went right when Tane swung left and they twirled around in a dizzying circle for a second. But then they got the rhythm. They pendulumed from side to side. Below, the piranhas zipped about in a frenzy. Overhead, the rope frayed with its next sharp drop, and Mary Lou screamed. But she did not stop swaying. Her feet scrambled at the ledge, scraping rock into the water.
“We’ve got to build up speed,” she shouted.
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“If this one doesn’t work, the rope will break for sure.”
Mary Lou looked up. She bit her lip. The rope was pretty frayed.
“Worth a shot,” she said.
They swung heavily and slowly at first, but picked up speed, swinging farther with each pass. Once. Twice. Mary Lou’s feet almost touched! Third pass and she knew they’d make it.
“You know what, Tane?” she shouted as they came around again.
“What?” he shouted back.
“I totally want to make out with you!”
She swung with all her might, reaching for the other side in defiance of gravity. There was an audible crack as the rope snapped.
CHAPTER THIRTY
When the girls had finished picking out their clothes and bathing suits for the pageant, compliments of Ladybird Hope’s pageant-wear line, Harris showed them around, enjoying his role as beauty queen escort.
“So how did you end up here?”
“Summer internship,” Harris said “My dad’s CEO of The Corporation. Well, he was. He kinda ‘mishandled’ things.” He put mishandled in air quotes.
“Mishandled how?” Adina asked.
“He sort of lost some revenue. The Corporation posted second, third, and fourth quarter losses totaling around forty billion? So, you know, they had to make some sacrifices, let some workers go.”
“How many workers?”
“About forty percent.”
“Forty percent?” Shanti said, incredulous.
“Yeah. Sucked. But the good news is that they worked out a deal with my dad. He got a sweet twenty million in severance, plus a full staff, use of the corporate jet and yacht for three years, and we did not have to unload the house in Bimini, thank God, because, hello? The surfing there? Crazy-good.”
“When I run Shanticeuticals, I will not overexpand, screw over my workers, and run it into the ground,” Shanti whispered to the others.
Jennifer sidled up to Harris. “My mom was one of those forty percent of workers laid off. She got one week of severance, and it definitely wasn’t twenty million. Lost her health care, too. I wouldn’t brag about that, if I were you.”
They were waiting for the elevator when two black shirts passed them by. One of them said something that sounded suspiciously like …
“Tane Ngata!” Adina exclaimed, stretching her arms overhead. Everyone, including the black shirts, turned to stare at her.
“Do you know him? Are you yourself an eco-terrorist?” Harris was in her face.
“What? No! Why would I?” Adina laughed nervously.
“What did you just say?”
“I was doing my vocal exercises. To be ready for the pageant. I do them all the time. Tane Ngatatatattannnnneeeeetane. Just limbers the tongue right up.” She gave him a coy smile.
“Gummi bears!” Tiara pointed wildly to the vending machine in the corner just as the elevator doors opened.
“Our ride’s here,” Harris said.
Tiara glanced toward the machine. “But … gummi bears.”
“Wouldn’t want to mess with those pretty teeth,” he said and ushered them inside.
They rode up in silence.
“What kind of a person doesn’t let you have gummi bears?” Tiara sat on the cot, her fingers worrying the hem of her new MermaidTopia shirt.
“And everyone seemed to know who you meant when you said Tane Ngata.”’
“We may be close to her imaginary BF,” Shanti agreed.
“Maybe not so imaginary after all,” Petra said.
Adina paced in front of her cot. “This is all very, very strange. My journalist’s instincts say there’s something going on.”
“Or maybe that guy, the eco-warrior, is a terrorist,” Miss Ohio said. “Maybe they have him captured for a good reason.”
Tiara sniffled. “I don’t want to do the pageant anymore. I want to make another hut. That was fun. And I want some gummi bears.”
“You can have all the gummi bears you like when we get back,” Petra promised.
“If we get back,” Nicole said, and it made her arms goose pimply despite the heat.
Someone brought them French fries and soda, and the girls dug in. The French fries were heavenly; the soda burned their throats in a good way. It was just like being back home, like before. For a moment, their doubts were cast aside. They tried to enjoy the fact that they’d finally been rescued, just like in all the stories they’d read as girls. The ones that ended happily. They had new clothes and shoes. Their hair smelled of freesia, their skin of vanilla. All the creature comforts of home.
But if everything was fine, why did they feel so wrong?
“Tiara, what’s the matter?” Petra asked. Tiara hadn’t touched her food. “Is this still about the gummi bears?”
“No. It’s just, I have a question. But it’s probably dumb.”
“There are no dumb questions,” Petra said. “Except for some.”
“How come, if they want us to do the pageant, they sent Mary Lou back home? That doesn’t seem fair.”
It was a simple question. The sort of simple question that could completely unravel a complicated argument.
Agent Jones stepped into the tent. “Hello, girls. How’s everything?”
“Fine,” they said.
“Good, good. Say, I’ve been meaning to ask, wasn’t there a Miss Texas with you?”
“Tayl —”
Adina cut Tiara off. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason. There’s always a Miss Texas in the Top Ten. My daughters and I run a pool.” Agent Jones tried to smile and managed only a grimace.
“Will your daughters be watching tomorrow?” Adina pried.
Agent Jones blinked and looked away quickly. “Of course.”
For the high school paper, Adina had covered a student council scandal in which the student body president had sold test answers in order to buy himself a new SUV. When she’d pressed him on the allegations, he’d done the same blinking and looking away. It was the tell of a liar.
“And they’re fifteen and seventeen?” she said, deliberately getting their ages wrong.
“Yep. Fifteen and seventeen.”
When she’d busted the student council president, Adina had felt triumphant — it was a “gotcha!” moment. Now, she felt real fear. This man was not to be trusted, but she didn’t know why or how much danger they might be in.
“Sorry. Miss Texas didn’t make it,” Adina lied. “Spider bite.”
“Well. That’s a real shame.”
Adina yawned for effect. “Whoo. I am sooo tired. We should probably get our beauty sleep. Got a big day tomorrow. Nighty-night, Agent Jones.”
Agent Jones left without saying anything back.
“Something’s not right,” Nicole whispered when they were alone again.
“What’s going on?” Tiara asked.
“Not sure,” Adina said. “But we’re going to find out.”
In the fog, the moon was filmy as an onion’s husk. Down by the dock, the lights shone over the black water. Adina, Petra, Tiara, Nicole, Jennifer, and Shanti huddled in the bushes watching the guards, who were, in turn, watching the area around the volcano’s secret door. The girls had been there for twenty minutes, proposing ways of getting inside, rejecting all of them. They were tired and uneasy and had begun to argue.
Tiara stood and smoothed her dress.
“What are you doing?” Shanti asked. “Do you want to get us killed?”
“No. I just want some gummi bears,” she said, and marched toward the volcano.
“Hold up!” The guards leveled their guns at Tiara. “You can’t be here, miss. It’s restricted.”
Tiara smiled and struck a pageant pose. “Hi. I’m Tiara Destiny Swan. Miss Mississippi. I’m real sorry to bother y’all and everything, but there’s only one thing in the world I want — well, besides world peace and free makeovers for everybody — and that’s some gummi bears. And y’all have a vending machine right inside. Can I pretty,
pretty please go get some?” She put her hands together prayer-style.
The guards exchanged glances. Tiara danced around them butterfly-style. “Pretty pretty pretty pretty please? Pretty pretty pretty pretty …”
The guards shrugged at each other. “Sure.”
“Oh, yippee!” Tiara jumped and clapped. She motioned to the girls. “Oh, my friends need to come, too. We’re girls. We travel in packs.”
“Unbelievable,” Petra whispered in awe.
The girls emerged from their hiding place. The guard held up a hand.
“I can’t let all of you inside.”
“You have to let Petra come in because she’s my best friend,” Tiara said.
“And you have to let me in because I have my period,” Adina said.
“And you have to let me and Shanti in or else you’re totally racist.” Nicole glared.
“You have to let me in or I’ll cry,” Jennifer said, working up tears.
“Whoa, whoa, hold on. Look, we have our orders and —”
“Oh my God! Please tell me you have a tampon! I need a tampon!” Adina screeched.
“Okay! Okay! You can go with her.”
Nicole stepped up to the guard. “What about the rest of us, whitey?”
“Westerfeld?” The one guard looked to the other. “Did you read the Corporation pamphlet on racial sensitivity in the workplace?”
“No. I read Sexual Harassment and You: Why Sally Cries When You Touch Her in Meetings.”
“Well, I’m not getting my butt handed to me by corporate.”
The other guard shrugged. “They’re a bunch of girls. How dangerous could they be?”
“Okay. But be quick.” The first guard punched in the code, and try as they might, the girls couldn’t make it out. The doors opened. “Fourth floor.”
“Thanks!” they said, and held their breath as the elevator shot them down.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
“Gummi bear?” Tiara held out the bag.
Petra shook her head. “Where are we?”
After getting the candy and taking some beauty samples from the product room, they’d taken a door to a hallway and followed the stairs to the mysterious fifth floor and the door they were looking for. But it was locked, and they were stuck in a hallway lit by a dim red light.