Guy settles on the floor beside Park’s chair, crossing his legs at the ankle, and leaning back on his elbows. “Why?”
“I’m putting Lucy in my phone as Hippie Chick,” she says, tapping on her cell.
Park mumbles a comment too low for any of us to hear and I clear my throat. “I think either spelling is acceptable.”
She smiles at me before typing it in. “I’m making your ringtone Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” she says, her head tipped down at her phone, but her eyes cast sideways toward Park. He makes a strangled sound deep within his throat. Everyone is staring and I get the impression that Hope’s messing with him.
When the song plays from her phone, Park shoves the girl off his lap, and jumps out of the chair. He rips Hope’s cell phone out of her hands, pressing a button to silence the music. “No Beatles songs,” he rasps.
“She’s not me,” Hope whispers.
Park’s face contorts into something in between rage and agonizing pain. His eyes flick to me and then away quickly before he storms across the room. He stops in front of the girl he brought home. “You need to go. Call your boyfriend.” And then he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
***
I wake up to the sound of shouting. A girl screams and I scramble out of bed, stumbling to the window. Three guys are in the parking lot, a girl standing off to the side. She keeps screaming, shaking her head back and forth. I look back to the guys and notice a fourth person on the ground in front of them.
It takes my groggy brain a couple of seconds to make sense of what I’m seeing and then I’m climbing onto the firs escape, yelling for Bree to get Jessie. I have no idea if she hears me or not, I don’t even know if she’s home, but I keep going. The guys look up at me and take off. One of them pulls the girl into a car and they peel out, tires squealing.
My legs are shaking by the time I drop to my knees next to Park. He’s lying limply on his side and I’m afraid to move him.
“Park.” My hand hovers over his shoulder. Fear grips my insides, squeezing them until I feel like I can’t breathe. “Park,” I say again, panic sounding in my voice.
He groans and it sounds wet, like his mouth is full of water. I roll him toward me and gasp. His face is a multitude of colors, the deep red of blood standing out above all others. “Oh, my God,” I murmur. My hands flutter around his head. I don’t know what to do. I look around quickly for something. Someone. Anyone.
“I’ll be back,” I pant. “I need to get help.”
Park coughs, rolling to his side again. He makes a gurgling sound and I run. I push myself up the fire escape and pound on Jessie’s window before pushing it open. The room’s empty, so I crawl inside.
“Jessie,” I scream.
As I make it to the door, I’m met by Jessie and Guy. “What’s wrong?”
“Park.” It’s all I can get out before I’m turning and rushing back to the window.
“What happened?” Guy asks behind me.
“Three guys. They beat the shit out of him.”
“Shit,” he breathes. “Get Chase and Mason,” he instructs Jessie. I don’t hear if he acknowledges him because I’m barreling down the metal stairs. My feet clank along the steps covering all other sound.
Guy skids to a stop and kneels next to Park. His fingers go to his neck, checking for a pulse and I feel like I might throw up. He lets out a visible sigh. Jessie, Chase, and Mason jog over to us. I stoop to the other side of Park and look at Guy. “We should take him to the hospital.”
“No,” Park grunts. He goes into another coughing fit and I take his hand.
“You have to,” I protest. “You could have internal injuries. You’re coughing up blood.”
“Call,” Guy says. I don’t know who he’s talking to, but I hear Mason requesting an ambulance seconds later.
Park’s head lolls to the side and I start to have a meltdown. I think he’s lost consciousness, but I’m not sure and it scares me. “Check his pulse again,” I yell at Guy.
“Lulu,” Bree says from behind me. I don’t respond. I can’t look away from Guy’s fingers as he touches them to Park’s throat again.
“He just passed out,” he says, his eyes closing in relief.
“Did you see it happen?” Chase asks. It takes a moment for me to realize he’s talking to me.
I shake my head. “I just heard yelling. Didn’t you guys hear it?”
“We had music on,” Jessie says, his voice cracking with remorse. “We were talking. Laughing.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “We didn’t hear anything except you screaming.”
“There were three of them,” I explain. “I didn’t see what they did to him. I just saw…him on the ground. And that girl, the one he came home with earlier, she was there. She was screaming at them.”
We can hear the sirens coming down the street and Bree takes my hand. “Come on, Lu. You need to get out of their way so they can help him.” I reluctantly release Park’s fingers and let Bree pull me back. My legs won’t stop shaking.
“He’ll be okay,” she says firmly. The flashing lights cast odd shadows across her face. I nod as I watch two paramedics approach.
Guy starts answering their questions immediately. All I can do is stand there and watch as they secure his head and get him on the gurney.
“Only one can ride with him,” the younger paramedic says.
“I’ll go,” Guy says.
“What hospital?” Chase asks? “We’ll be right behind you.”
I realize I’m in sleep shorts. I’m shoeless and I’m not even wearing a bra. “Don’t leave without me,” I tell Bree before I run back to the apartment to change. I don’t care what happened tonight. I care about Park. I need to be there. I need to know he’s going to be okay.
24
Park
I’m heavy, but I’m floating. Maybe I’m weightless. Maybe I’m sinking.
My eyes won’t open. They’re pinned with the weight of my confusion. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m sleeping.
“…don’t know what to think.”
I try to open my eyes. All I see is darkness. My ears are buzzing. There’s a continuous beeping that’s driving me insane.
“He can be an idiot, but he’s a good person.”
Is that Hope?
I must be dreaming.
“Is he?” That’s Lucy. I try to open my eyelids again. I put everything I have into it, but they weigh a thousand pounds and I’m so exhausted. Maybe I’ll just sleep.
“I haven’t been around in a while,” Hope says. She sounds weird. Stressed. “I wasn’t here to see him change. I’ve just heard the stories and I don’t put much stock in other people’s accounts. I mean, he’s always been an asshole, that’s just who he is. But he had this sweet side that he didn’t show a lot of people. If he’s changed…that’s my fault.”
“Why?” Lucy asks. I know it’s her voice, but it’s off. I want to wake up now. I don’t like where this conversation is going. I don’t like how Lucy said that one word. She sounds upset and it makes me feel strange.
It’s quiet while I struggle to move. I just want to open my fucking eyes.
“I loved him,” Hope finally says. “I’ll always love him. But sometimes I wonder if I used Park.”
Lucy makes a noise that sounds like disapproval.
“I know. It’s messed up, but it’s not like I meant to do it. He was just there. Always there. He knew things about me that I couldn’t talk to anybody else about. Even Guy. And I counted on him for that. He was my friend that shared my secret.”
“You hurt him,” Lucy says. Her voice is soft. It’s not a question. It’s not an accusation. It just is.
“I never meant to. He was a crutch that I didn’t know I was leaning on. I put so much on him and I never meant to. But I tried to tell him. I started to realize that maybe he felt stronger than I did. I tried to make it clear that we weren’t—that he wasn’t my boyfriend. That I didn’t want a boyfriend. I said it all the tim
e. Maybe too much. And then I met Mason and the connection was so…different.”
“So you dropped him for Mason.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I’m definitely sinking. I think I’m dying. I want to die. I want it to stop.
I just want to fucking wake up.
“When other people say it, it sounds bad,” Hope whispers.
“It’s not bad. You can’t help who you love…” Lucy trails off and there’s another stretch of silence.
The beeping sounds louder. Faster. I can’t take it. Somebody please make this all stop. I can’t do this. I need to leave. I need to move. I need—
“I hate the thought of him being in pain,” Lucy murmurs.
“I never meant to hurt him.” Hope sighs loudly. “I regret that part every day. It’s just… I spent my whole life drowning, and then Mason came along, and I could breathe. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I needed that. Park was great and I’ll always be grateful to him. He was there when I needed him, but Mason made me not need. That didn’t come out right. I still need things. A lot of things. Mason just makes me need different things.”
I can’t remember the last time I cried, but right now my eyes are stinging like they want to tear up. My head is pounding.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up.
“He…we…” Lucy sounds like she’s choking on her words. My chest aches.
“You love him,” Hope finishes for her.
My heart is racing. I can barely hear her reply over the rushing echo in my ears. Don’t answer that. Please don’t answer that. Don’t—
“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to.”
“You can’t help who you love,” Hope says quietly, throwing Lucy’s words back at her.
She doesn’t love me. I shouldn’t be letting myself feel this. It’s not real. This is just a dream and when I wake up I’ll feel like I lost something.
Maybe I won’t wake up.
Maybe I’ll sleep forever.
My head hurts so badly. There’s so much pressure. I feel like an overinflated balloon.
I wish I would burst.
“He slept with that girl. In the same day as sleeping with me. And then he announced it to a room full of people. I can’t…”
“He’s an ass,” Hope barks. “Dear Buddha, he’s a dickhead. But seriously, Lucy, take it from someone that’s made an art form of pushing people away—he’s trying to make you leave. If he makes you go away then it won’t hurt as bad.”
“That’s stupid,” Lucy mutters, the resentment thick in her voice.
Hope’s right and I hate her a little bit for it. I’m not an idiot. I know I do that. But she’s wrong about why I do it. It’s not about making it hurt less. It’s about finding out who will actually stay.
“Look, Park isn’t some unfeeling bastard. And he isn’t dumb—generally. I think his problem is that he feels everything. And the dude’s a closet genius. Did you know he’s on a full academic scholarship?”
“No, I didn’t, but that doesn’t surprise me.”
She’s lying. It surprises everyone that finds out. That’s why I never tell people. Of course, this is dream Lucy. She has faith in me and loves me because that’s what my subconscious wants from her. How fucking pathetic is that? I have to dream this shit up because in reality I could never have it.
Fuck. I don’t want to dream anymore.
The beeping is really loud now. Really fast.
“What’s going on?” Lucy asks. She sounds scared. “Is he all right?”
“You need to step out. Both of you.” Who the hell is that? I don’t know that voice.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Lucy’s tone is firm, but there’s an undercurrent of fear. What’s wrong? What’s happening?
“Miss, you need to let us do our job.”
My head is going to explode. I can’t take it. My chest—
“Lucy, we need to get out of their way,” Hope says. She’s scared too. “Come on. We’ll just go into the hall.”
That fucking beeping. Why won’t it stop? It just needs to stop. It needs to stop. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. My head hurts. Why does it hurt so badly? Please just make it all stop.
Make it stop.
Make it stop.
Make it—
I relish in the peaceful silence as the pain slowly subsides. I’m weightless again. Floating up. Up. Up.
25
Lucy
I’m sitting on the floor in the hospital hallway, staring at the door to Park’s room. He’s not in there—hasn’t been for almost an hour. They took him for another head scan. Hope’s shoulder presses into mine. Our sides meshed snugly together. Her thigh resting against mine. I barely know her, but I’m so grateful she’s here. I couldn’t do this alone.
Though Bree and Jessie are huddled together in the corner, not far from where I sit, they feel miles away. Like they’re bubbled in their own little world.
Guy is squished to Hope’s other side. Chase is standing on the opposite wall, his arms and legs crossed in front of him. The girl from the diner, Annie—she’s pacing in between us. Park’s mom, a pretty, middle aged woman with dark hair streaked with gray, is downstairs with Park. She was the only one allowed to go with him.
Mason went to get coffee a few minutes ago. I don’t need it. My body is wired without caffeine. Fear keeps the adrenaline pumping steadily through my veins.
He has to be okay.
He has to be.
I was so mad at him. And now I don’t know if I’ll ever get another moment with him.
I need him to be okay.
I need him…
“Can you stop?” Chase hisses. “Annie. Stop. Sit down.”
“I can’t sit down,” she replies quietly.
“Then stand. I don’t give a shit. But stop pacing. It’s driving me crazy.”
Annie pauses, her eyes raking over Chase slowly. “I’m not good at this.”
“Come here,” he demands. She moves in front of him and he holds his fist out.
“What?”
“Rock, paper, scissors,” he states as if she should’ve already known this. I can’t help but watch them. It’s so much better than staring at a door, counting every imperfection.
“Why?” Annie asks, confused.
“Because I said. Come on.” He starts pumping his fist into his palm.
“But…what are we playing for?”
“For fun.”
She shakes her head, but puts her fist out, matching his. “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.”
“Rock beats scissors,” Chase calls triumphantly. “Okay, again.”
She smiles and shakes her head again. I rest my head against the wall as I take in their game. Annie likes it, but she doesn’t want him to know she likes it. She rolls her eyes a lot, but that smile—even as small as it is—hasn’t left her lips.
“Why does paper beat rock?” Hope asks suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“I know, right?” Guy says. “If anything, rock should beat paper because it’s like a natural paperweight.”
“But scissors cut paper,” Chase disagrees. “Rock can’t defeat two things. That’s not fair.”
“Yeah, but a rock isn’t going to smash scissors,” Guy throws back.
“Unless they’re a pair of those plastic little kid scissors you have to use in grade school,” Annie adds.
Chase scoffs. “What drugs are you on? Of course a rock is going to smash scissors. But you know what a rock isn’t going to smash?”
“Paper?” Hope says slowly. She has a devious smirk on her face and I watch, transfixed as they all laugh.
How do they do that? I feel myself smiling even though my heart is pounding in my chest and I feel like I could throw up, or cry, or scream.
“Your argument is invalid,” Guy continues.
“What? Why?” Chase pushes off the wall, coming closer to our side.
; “Because, if someone smashes the scissors, then how do they cut the paper?”
Chase cocks his head to the side, his blue hair hanging limply. “The paper was cut prior to the scissor smashing.”
“HA!” Guy jumps up. “Then paper can’t cover rock. I win. You lose.”
“Wait…” Chase narrows his eyes, concentrating. “But…the paper…the rock… Fuck it. You win. That game is stupid.”
They all laugh again and it’s just as mesmerizing as the first time. Guy settles back down next to Hope. Chase follows him, and then Annie scoots in to his side.
We’re all staring at the door again.
The squeaking of shoes makes us all turn our heads. Mason’s heading down the hall toward us, carefully holding a box. When he sits it down in front of Hope, he grins, pulling out a bag of Skittles. She kisses him before taking the bag. “Thanks.”
Mason winks at her. He starts handing cups out. When he gives me mine, he pauses, looking back inside the box. He pulls out a little pack of powdered donuts. “I didn’t know what you liked, but Hope had mentioned donuts…?”
I look over at Hope, then back to Mason. “No. That’s great. Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Hope leans into me, her mouth close to my ear. “You see?”
I nod. “Yeah. He’s pretty great.”
“Isn’t it weird how what works for one person doesn’t work for another? We’re all so different. Looking for different things.”
I nod again. I think I know what she means. I just don’t know what it is exactly that I’m looking for.
I hear the wheels rolling our way from a distance. Before I realize I’ve made the decision to do so, I’m on my feet. I pull my hair over one shoulder, twisting it just to give my shaking hands something to do. My dad says these are the situations that make a person. How you act when things are bad.
The way my stomach is twisting makes me wonder what kind of person I am.
All I can focus on is the sound of those wheels. Getting closer.
Closer.
Park’s mom comes around the corner first. I search her face for some hint. But then the large hospital bed is there and I move forward. Park’s still unconscious. His puffy purple eyes closed tightly.