“What kind of doctor do you want to be?”
“Hmmph!” He let out his breath with an amused laugh. “To be honest, I don’t have a clue, but probably some sort of specialty, though. My dad is a brain surgeon,” Ryan said so nonchalantly, it had to be true.
“Are you serious?” My eyes widened as I tried to picture Ryan’s home life. Was his dad a stuffed shirt who was gone all the time and his mother a suburban princess? If so, it certainly wasn’t evident in their son. He was so down to earth and genuine.
“Yes. No pressure there,” he smirked. “He’s sort of brilliant. He’s a very giving man, but he can be tough as nails at the same time.” Ryan laughed and continued to talk about his parents. It was obvious he loved them very much, and his words refuted my original mental impression of them. He was animated and enthusiastic; his mood was infectious. “Tell me about you.”
“Not much more to tell, really. I mean, when my parents divorced, I moved to Kansas City with my mom. Since I was eight, I’ve spent every summer in California with my father. I think he felt guilty he wasn’t around more, but I liked my life with my mom. She’s cool; way cooler than most of my friends’ moms. We like the same music and share clothes. I can talk to her about anything.”
“Is it weird for you, though? Being in the middle of your parents? I can’t imagine it since mine have always been together.”
“No. They stayed friends and always parented together. Well, most of the time.”
He stopped eating and leaned back, his eyes coming back to mine. “I can’t imagine trying to be friends with someone I was in love with. I don’t know if I could do it.”
A little shiver ran through me at his words, and I wondered if anyone had ever been lucky enough to have him in love with them. “It wasn’t always easy, but I don’t think they split due to lack of love. My mom resented my dad’s long hours, and she didn’t know many people out west. She got lonely and wanted to be closer to family. He was just starting out and working very hard. He wanted to be a prosecuting attorney, and it required long hours in the D.A.’s office. He wasn’t willing to give up his dream. Looking back, I know he was only doing it for us, but at the time, he just wasn’t there. I know he was very angry when they first split.” I wiped my fingers on the paper napkin in my lap. “But after we moved, Mom was happier, and then, so was I.”
Ryan nodded in understanding.
“Do you live on campus?” I asked, wondering if he’d be heading my way and not wanting to end the afternoon, and knowing the answer since that girl, Rita had asked him in the lecture hall.
“No. My parents argued about it. It’s cheaper to rent a place for Aaron and me than to pay room and board, and anyway, the food sucks ass and Aaron would’ve died of starvation.” Ryan had an easy laugh that was disarming. “Eventually my mom gave in to my dad’s logic, but she still worries we’ll party too much.” A gorgeous grin split across his face and amusement danced in his bright blue eyes.
I laughed and nodded. “And? Do you?”
Ryan joined in with a chuckle. “No. Sure, there are parties. Aaron’s rushing Phi Kappa Nu, so some are inevitable.”
“Not you, though?”
“No. I don’t want someone picking my friends. At least, that’s how I see it. You? Any sorority?”
I shook my head with a small laugh. “No. I’m of your way of thinking.”
He smirked at me. “There are worst things.”
“Agreed.” I nodded, still smiling.
We got up, gathered our things, and began making our way toward the door. Ryan’s hand closed around the strap of the backpack hanging off my shoulder to carry it for me. His fingers brushed against my shirt, and I could feel his warmth through the material. I tried not to let him see the small tremor his touch caused. No other guy had ever offered to carry my books before. He was amazing, and I could barely stop myself from staring in rapt adoration like the girls he’d been talking to earlier.
“I’m jealous about the food. I have to be careful not to pack on the freshman fifteen. The food is awful in the cafeteria.”
“Ah. So you’re on campus.”
I sighed. “Unfortunately, but it’s all good. That’s how I met Ellie. She’s my roommate.”
We walked across campus toward my dorm and I started to shiver. The wind was cold, and I regretted my lack of jacket and realized Ryan didn’t have one either. “Is your car this way?” I asked, indicating the direction I needed to go. “If not, you don’t have to walk me. It’s sort of chilly.”
“Julia.” My name rolled off his tongue for the first time. “I’m happy to suffer for you.”
My mouth clamped shut as I tried to figure out what he was thinking. I glanced at him then straight ahead. “Thank you for lunch. My turn next time?” I was trying to gauge the nature of our relationship. Were we going to be friends or dating?
“Um…” Ryan began hesitantly, and I wondered if maybe he didn’t want to have lunch again. “Sure. I’ve had a good time talking to you...”
“Me, too. But?”
“But, I don’t let girls buy my meals.”
I inhaled slowly, wondering if that meant this was a date, or we were just friends. I really enjoyed spending time with him, so in whatever way that would happen, I’d take.
“That asinine class might even be tolerable now.” His shoulder lightly nudged mine as we walked and it sent a jolt of something right through me. I could feel my face grow hot as I looked down at the pavement moving underneath my feet and I smiled, returning the nudge ever so slightly.
“I’m glad I met you, Ryan.”
“Yeah. Me, too. Can I get your number? We can text Wednesday and meet before class so we can sit together. Cool?”
My heart thumped hard in my chest. “Cool.”
I was laying on the couch, my foot propped up on the back of it, rhythmically throwing a basketball against the wall over and over. Aaron was in the shower, and I was waiting for my turn. We’d just come from a two-on-two basketball game with two guys who lived next door, and despite the cool weather, we were both dripping sweat. My hair was damp with it and stuck to my forehead. We kicked their asses but not without a serious workout. I knew I reeked, and Aaron was worse. I thumped the ball against the wall again, catching it casually as my thoughts wandered to Julia.
It had been a month since we’d met and I was into her in ways I’d never been into a girl before. I found myself looking forward to seeing her and every time her name flashed on my phone, I smiled so hard my face hurt; and not because she was hot. She was, and it kept me up at night, but that wasn’t the only reason. I huffed at the irony of it.
I wanted to take her out on dates. To kiss her, and yes, I wanted her. It sucked because it didn’t take long to discover she was the person I wanted to spend time with more than anyone else. I didn’t want to lose that. What if we dated, then it tanked? I’d miss her. I always missed her when she wasn’t around. It didn’t matter what I was doing. If something happened, good or bad, she was the first person I wanted to share it with. I was confused as hell and struggling.
We made a study date for Sunday since our first exam in psych was Monday, but it was Saturday morning, and I found myself racking my brain for a reason to see her today. I’d almost asked her to come to the basketball game just to watch us play, but that was lame and something a guy’s girlfriend does. I didn’t know what we were. If she did want me to ask her out or make a move, she was probably thinking I was a first class asshole for not doing so.
I was in an uncomfortable position. I didn’t know what I wanted for the first time ever in reference to a woman. I liked her. More than liked her, but I wasn’t sure what the fuck I was doing about it. My stomach tightened and I threw the ball against the wall again, this time a little harder. I’d tried to work out why I hesitated to ask her out but the answers didn’t sit well. I couldn’t figure out a way to guarantee the outcome would be what I wanted.
Thump. Thump. Thump. I threw the ball over
and over.
“Ryan. I’m out of the shower,” Aaron called as he walked out of the bathroom and into his bedroom with a towel around his waist.
Thump. Thump. Thump. I didn’t move, lost in my thoughts.
Five minutes later, Aaron came out of his room, pulling a gray T-shirt over his head and sliding his arms into it. “Ryan?”
“Yeah.” I clasped the ball between my hands and sat up, putting my feet on the floor. I glanced at him. When he met her two weeks earlier, he’d hammered me about why I wasn’t trying to date her because she was so beautiful. How could I make him understand when I didn’t know myself? He hadn’t stopped until I’d shouted at him to shut the fuck up and that it was none of his goddamned business.
“Okay. I’m going.” I was distracted, but stood and passed the ball to him. I started toward my room to gather clean clothes but stopped when he called my name.
“Ryan, there is that party tonight at the frat house, remember? Are you coming?”
I raised a shoulder in a shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe? Who’s going to be there?”
“A lot of people. Can you call Julia and make sure she’ll go?”
“What? Why?” I turned fully around to face him. Heat started to rush under the skin of my face. Maybe he thought if I wasn’t going to date her, he would. I didn’t think I could take watching it.
“David Kessler wants to meet her. He was with me the other day when I was waiting for you in the commons, and he saw her with you. He thinks she’s hot, and he’s president of my frat. I’d like to introduce them. It will give me an in and for sure, I’ll make the frat.”
Heat turned to fire, quickly licking its way up over my face and down my chest. “Um…” I began not sure what to say, but my chest felt tight at the thought.
“You don’t have a problem with it, right?” He sat down and started to shove his feet into his shoes.
“Yeah, we’re just friends.” I rubbed the back of my neck. It was the truth, Julia and I were just friends, but it felt odd saying it. “But,” I struggled to find something to say that would dismiss the subject. “She’s not really into frat guys. She thinks all that social who’s who is a load of bullshit.”
Aaron looked up at me, skepticism filling his expression. “Really?”
I shrugged. “Sorry, dude.” I began to turn away, but Aaron wasn’t ready to let it go.
“Are you planning to date her? Because if you’re not, David has serious interest.”
I stopped again. “I’m not sure what I’m planning… I’m not really planning. Just going with the flow.”
“But you don’t want her to see anyone else? That shit will not fly for long. Guys are into her, and eventually someone will land her. A chick that hot won’t be content to hang out with her friend.”
Exasperation welled inside my chest, and I wanted to punch him. “I don’t know. She’s cool. I like being with her, talking to her. I feel easy with her, and she doesn’t put all that annoying shit on me like most girls do. I mean, she’s not all superficial and clingy.”
“But, she’s super hot. I mean… spending time with her, how do you not go for it?”
“It’s not easy sometimes. I’m not blind. But I like her more than I want to get into her pants. I never end up friends with girls I have sex with and Julia isn’t a girl you bang on a Saturday night for fun.”
He looked at me as if my head had twirled around on top of my shoulders. “So, you’re not moving on her. If that’s true, and if you two are just friends, what’s the problem if Dave asks her out?”
I sighed. I really couldn’t argue with him, but I wanted the subject dropped. I couldn’t have it both ways, and I couldn’t continue this conversation without it exposing how I really felt… Hell, I didn’t really know how I felt at this point, so how could I explain it to Aaron, even if I wanted to? I wanted her, more than I’d probably wanted any other girl before, but she was quickly becoming important in ways that were new and unfamiliar to me. I was like a fish out of water, trying to get my bearings. Heat began to seep up my neck and into my face; that burning kind you get that makes you feel like the floor is about to drop out from beneath you. I didn’t want Aaron to see my discomfort.
“Okay, I’ll see what she’s doing. But, I’m going to tell her about that guy. I don’t want her to feel set-up.” I didn’t know how Julia interpreted what was between us, anyway. Maybe we were only friends. If so, that word held more meaning than it ever had before. “If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t want to go, and I’ll expect you to drop it.”
“This is weird, Ryan. If you’re not into this girl like that, what’s your problem?”
“Aaron, I said I’d ask her. So shut the fuck up about it, okay?”
He sat back on the coach and watched me fidget. “You are into her.”
“I said I like her, but spending time with her is most important.”
He whistled and smiled wryly. “Never thought I’d see you confused over a chick.”
I huffed and went off toward my room, muttering. “That isn’t a word I use to describe her. Julia is no chick.”
*****
“Hey, you.” Julia’s voice was soft and a little raspy when she answered the phone. “What are you doing?”
It had become common to call each other every day, to know what and where the other was at all times. It wasn’t weird for her to ask me. I might have resented it if it was anyone else, but it was how we were with each other. How I wanted it.
“Trying to get Aaron off my ass. He wants me to go to this party tonight. Some frat thing.” I groaned, hoping she’d get how unenthused I was about going.
“I think Ellie is planning on something like that. Which house?”
“Kappa Nu. Aaron’s frat.”
“Oh. I see. Are you going?”
“No. I don’t know. Look, I told Aaron I’d ask you to come.”
“Aaron?” Her voice sounded hesitant.
“Yeah. Some asshole he wants to impress saw you with us, and wants to meet you.” My stomach felt sick when I said the words out loud.
“Hmmph,” Julia huffed. I couldn’t tell if she was amused or pissed until she spoke. “Well, if he’s an asshole, bring him on. Sounds just like my type,” she teased.
The fact is, we hadn’t talked about her type, or mine for that matter. I hadn’t asked another girl out since I’d met her, and she hadn’t dated either.
I rubbed the back of my neck with my left hand as the fingers of my right gripped tightly around the phone. “Look, I told him you probably wouldn’t want to go.”
“Who’s the guy?”
I was taken aback that she asked, but what did I expect her to do? I had no right to be pissed or even feel upset. I hadn’t asked her on a real date. “Um…” I struggled to find the name in my mind. “David something or other. He’s the president of Aaron’s fraternity.” I filled up my lungs and tried to let the air out without Julia hearing it over the phone.
“Should I go?”
“I didn’t… I mean, I don’t know,” I stammered then paused.
“Are you going?” she asked again.
“I didn’t make plans. Do you want me to? I can go with you, er, if you want. Make sure you’re okay.”
“I don’t want to usurp your plans, Ryan.”
I sat down on my bed and swiped my hand through my hair. Julia used words like usurp when so many didn’t even know that the hell it meant. I needed air. My lungs wanted to fill up into a huge sigh, but she’d hear it and know the conversation was weird for me.
“I didn’t really have any plans.” Other than call you and see what you were doing, I thought. I was pissing myself off right now. Why the fuck did I even ask her about that stupid party in the first place?
“I’m not feeling the greatest. My throat is scratchy and my nose is stuffy. I think I’m coming down with something, so I wasn’t really planning on going anywhere tonight. Anyway, I’m sure I look like crap.”
I sat up
a little, not happy she was sick, but ecstatic I didn’t have to go to that damn party and watch some prick hit on her all night. I sighed in relief. “Want me to bring you some soup? Do you need medicine?”
“I had one of those instant noodle things.” She cleared her throat and let out a small cough.
I hated the thought of her sick and all alone, and found myself wanting to take care of her.
“Jules… why don’t I come get you? Aaron will be out all night tonight. He’s chasing a new girl, and with that party, I doubt he’ll come home until morning. I’ll stop on the way and pick up some Nyquil, Kleenex, and stuff.”
“That’s sweet, Ryan, but you have better things to do than listen to me blow my nose. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“I won’t. I’ll be over in an hour.”
“Ry—” she began, but I interrupted.
“Don’t argue, Julia. I’ll get some movies and lots of junk food, too. Lots of salty stuff to help your throat.”
I hung up without giving her a chance to protest, and an hour later I was waiting for her in the lobby of her dorm. When the elevator opened, and she came out in gray sweatpants and a dark purple parka, carrying her pillow and a box of tissues, my heart did flip-flops. Her hair was tied up in a knot on top of her head, she was pale, and her nose was unnaturally red. It was easy to see she felt like hell, but I couldn’t help the small smile that came to my mouth as she walked toward me.
“What are you smiling at? Don’t look at me,” Julia muttered, wiping her nose.
I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and started walking toward the doors that would take us out to my car. “You look fine. For a sicky.” I gave her a squeeze and laughed softly, happier than hell at the prospect of spending the evening with her, despite the state of her health.