Damn the party tonight, and damn how shitty I felt having to tell her. I wasn’t sure why I felt like I wanted to lie and say it was some boys’ night out instead of what it really was. I closed my eyes briefly, considering what to say before opening them to type out my response.
Not sure how hot it is, or even if it’s a date. I was invited to a sorority party.
I crawled from the bed, buck-naked and walked into the bathroom, carrying my phone with me. The one saving grace of this shitty apartment was that each bedroom had its own bathroom, albeit a small one. I glanced in the mirror. I looked like hell. My hair was standing up all over my head and I had a thick growth of beard on my jaw. I scratched at it absently and glanced down at my silent phone. Shit! I reached in and turned on the shower, not bothering to adjust the temperature of the water.
Her response came in as I climbed under the hot spray. It was too hot and burned my chest. I jumped back, cussing at myself, and fumbled with the faucet. I leaned out to look at Julia’s text, without picking up the phone.
Oh, okay. Well, have fun. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow.
I grimaced at the trite response. At least it seemed trite. Maybe she didn’t even mean it that way, and maybe it was all in my head. I got back in the shower, arguing with myself. We’d met less than two months ago, but since last month when she stayed the weekend, it had become a habit to see each other, or at least talk, every day. We’d fallen into being friends after an uncomfortable few weeks where my dick rebelled against my brain. Who was I kidding? It still rebelled just about every time I saw her, but I liked being around her, despite the constant fight with my libido. She was funny, and smart, and it was easy being with her. I could be myself.
We weren’t dating, so what the fuck was my problem? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to date Julia because it might damage the amazing friendship we shared. Yet, it felt strangely uncomfortable telling her I couldn’t see her because I would be out with someone else. It was stupid! If I’d gotten that text from Aaron, Nate, or even any other woman I knew, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I would have taken it at face value, end of story.
I was overthinking. Way overthinking. Sexually, I wanted her, so that had to be the reason for my confusion. Did I want more than friendship? Was I afraid to hurt her feelings? Whatever the hell it was, I had to figure it out and fast. We were friends, and that was that. She wasn’t giving me anything specific that hinted she wanted anything beyond what it was, so why was I analyzing the shit out of it? I rinsed the shampoo from my hair and turned off the water. Dripping wet, I grabbed my phone and typed out a quick response.
Okay, I’ll call you when I get up.
*****
So, all day Saturday, I could have studied but I wasn’t motivated beyond a couple hours with the books. Thanksgiving break was coming up, and classes the coming week would be weak, at best. Stanford would only be in session on Monday and Tuesday, so the week would be short. I went for a run in the cold, late fall air and puttered around the apartment watching sports and doing laundry for the rest of the day.
I didn’t hear from Julia at all, and though I didn’t really expect to, I was still thinking about her. She had a paper due in her business writing class, and she’d no doubt be working on it. I was dying to ask how her night went, but I didn’t really want to talk about the party I was obligated to go later that night. Maybe the lack of communication was best, even if it didn’t sit well. I just wanted this night to be done and over with. Tomorrow, Julia wouldn’t ask me about it, and we’d hang out as we planned. It probably bothered me more than it did her. I shook my head, wishing my thoughts would stop.
Aaron was screwing off the entire day with some of his fraternity brothers; which made it easy for me to stay in the apartment to study. The math assignment I was working on blurred, as my thoughts wandered again. The ringing of my phone startled me out of it, and I quickly reached for it. I knew it would be my mother because she called every Saturday around the same time.
“Hey, Mom,” I answered.
“How’s my baby?”
“Mom, please.” I rolled my eyes, got up, and walked into the kitchen. It was small and littered with remnants of my late night pizza delivery. Beer bottles were scattered around the counter and on the coffee table in the living room. The pizza had been terrible, but it was the only pizza place that delivered late at night. Julia referred to it as The Cardboard Palace. “Are you ever going to stop calling me your baby?”
“You’ll always be my baby. Is Aaron home?”
I shook my head out of habit, even though she couldn’t see me. “No, but I’m meeting him for dinner in a bit, and then later, he’s dragging me to a party.”
“Funny, I spoke to him earlier, and he said you were the one invited by one of the sorority sisters.”
“That’s a technicality. He’s the one who wants to go.” I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of juice, opened it up, and took a pull directly from the container.
“It will be fun, won’t it? Tell me about the girl. Is she pretty?”
I cringed internally at my lack of facts. I hardly knew anything about her but tried to remember the details of her face so I could at least not sound like a total prick to my mom. “I don’t know her that well, but yeah, she’s pretty.” I was holding the phone between my shoulder and ear so I could close the juice and place it back in the fridge.
“You don’t sound overly enthused, honey.”
“You should be glad I’m not. It’s a kegger. Loud music, lots of people drunk off of their asses and half of them puking by the driveway. And probably weed. I can always smell it in the air at these things.” I grinned at her audible gasp. “Um, except not Aaron and me, Mom. We just go to watch the girls.” I couldn’t help teasing. My mother was sort of refined, and rowdy college antics might not have occurred to her unless I planted the seed. She’d attended private schools her entire life.
“Sure you do, Ryan. I wasn’t born last night.”
I laughed. “Sure, it should be fun. I guess.”
“About Thanksgiving; I have your flights arranged for Tuesday evening. I thought we’d get to spend a long weekend together and you boys wouldn’t be so tired. Dad is really looking forward to having you both home.”
“Me, too. Aaron has a new girl he’s into, so he might not be so keen to come to Chicago.”
“Well, that’s too bad. We haven’t seen you two since August.”
“I know, but you know how it is, Mom.”
“Honestly, Ryan, I thought it would be you who would be reluctant to come home, for the same reason.”
“Naw. I miss home. Do you think Dad can get tickets to the Blackhawks?”
“I’m sure he’d love that!”
The call ended with me writing down the airline information and making note of the time we had to be at the airport. It was almost six, and Aaron would be on my ass to meet him out for dinner before the party, so I pulled a clean pair of jeans and boxer briefs from the dresser and blue button-down from the closet before heading into the bathroom to shower.
*****
The next morning, I woke up in bed with the girl who invited me to the party. Her body strung over me, and she was sleeping soundly, the dead weight making it hard to move. I lifted my head and looked around. It was bright from the mid-morning sunlight streaming in. I squinted and searched for a clock, finding a digital alarm type sitting on an old crate next to her bed. My clothes had to be somewhere, but I could only see one of my socks. It was the second morning in a row that I awoke to be blinded by the fucking sun. My head was pounding like a mother; a reminder of how much alcohol I’d consumed the night before.
The night was a blur of loud music, flirting, and beer. I’d lost count how many beers I’d downed, but it was definitely more than usual. I remembered checking my phone for Julia’s text between each round, only to be disappointed and getting more and more pissed off as the hours wore on, so when Annie, the girl who’d in
vited me, convinced me to dance, I did. The music changed to a slow song, she started kissing me, and pushing her tits into my chest, and I went with it.
Aaron disappeared with a pretty buxom blonde he’d introduced to me briefly, and I was left with a woman I barely knew. She was nice and attentive. I relaxed more as the evening wore on and a few more beers later, when she invited me up to her room, the party was in full swing. I went, thinking it would be easier to talk. I wasn’t drunk, but I’d been feeling good. Her roommate was still out, and she got me another beer from the small refrigerator, which stood beneath the window. It was quieter, and the beer was better than the keg beer they were serving. She plugged in her iPod and we just sat and talked for a while, and almost the entire time I was comparing her to Julia. I hated myself. When she kissed me, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to imagine green eyes and long, dark hair. I knew what I was doing. Part of me felt like hell doing it, and another part of me wanted the fantasy. I’d never have Julia, so I closed my eyes and let my mind convince me I wasn’t with this obscure girl who was now laying on top of me, yet meant nothing.
I had no clue what to do next. She was nice, but this is as far as this would go. I was a dick for having sex with her, but I wasn’t going to compound it by leading her on, and I itched to make my escape. Panic seized my chest momentarily until I saw the empty foil packet on the nightstand. Thank God, I wasn’t so drunk off my ass that I forgot to be safe.
I gently pushed her sleeping form off my chest and scooted closer to the edge of the bed. My phone chimed from the floor. It had fallen from the back pocket of my jeans and some sixth sense told me that was Julia texting. I wanted to talk to her, but obviously I couldn’t do it here. I scouted the room and found my clothes strewn across the floor, mixed with Annie’s in a pile between her bed and her roommate’s empty one. In two minutes flat, I was dressed, out the door and in my CRV. I ran a hand through my hair. My mouth was dry, and I wanted to brush my teeth, shower and shave, as if doing so would erase the events of the prior evening.
I shoved the key in the ignition. It was cold, my breath clearly visible in the November air. I was shivering, and I didn’t want Julia to ask questions so I couldn’t call her as I wanted. I reached out, flipping on the heat full blast, but only frigid air rushed from the vents. I threw my phone on the passenger seat and shoved the car in gear. The sooner I got home, the better I’d feel. I only hoped Aaron was otherwise occupied so I could get inside without his knowledge. The last thing I needed was him running his mouth about my walk of shame in front of Julia. Technically, I’d done nothing wrong, aside from casual sex, but something in my gut said Julia did not need to know.
*****
It was 11 AM on Sunday morning and I hadn’t heard from Ryan. In two months, this was probably the first Sunday we weren’t already on the phone or meeting up somewhere by this time. I tried to shrug it off. I’d slept in a little longer than usual after my night out with Ellie, and maybe Ryan was still sleeping as well.
My stomach rumbled slightly. I hadn’t eaten last night because I planned on eating with Ryan, and after we hit the club, I’d forgotten about it. I hated living in the dorms because it meant I couldn’t eat without showering and getting dressed first. Ellie was already MIA, and I wondered if she was still in the shower or already gone.
Walking down the hall to the shower carting my towel and the bucket that contained my shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. I was reminded why Ellie already left. There were two shower rooms on our floor—one on each end—and when I opened the one closest to my room, I was faced with the screeching voice of Amy Jefferson. I cringed and leaned against the wall. I had a writing class with her and her personality was grating. She had bright red hair cropped short, almost like a man’s, except for the longer bit on top, and her face was covered with a bad case of acne. I would have felt sorry for her, except for her narcissistic tendency. She had aspirations of being an opera star, thinking she had the greatest voice ever, and went around making comparisons of her voice to Sarah Brightman and dissing Barbara Streisand. It was all I could do not to tell her off or roll my eyes right in her face when she started that crap. She was in flat-out belting mode, and I debated leaving and making the walk to the other showers on the other end.
“Amy, who sings this song?” someone asked from a stall on the end, her voice loud enough to shout over the singing and the sound of three running showers.
“Celine Dion!” Amy stopped singing long enough to answer happily.
“How about we keep it that way?” the unknown voice retorted dryly.
I couldn’t help giggling. Most of the dorms on campus were large and I didn’t know all of the girls personally. I didn’t recognize the voice, but she was funnier than hell.
“That’s rude!” Amy said angrily.
“You’re rude! My ears are bleeding from that shit. Stop torturing us, already,” the anonymous girl retorted.
I couldn’t stifle the full-out laugh that burst out, and so I darted into a stall, pulling the curtain shut behind me. The last thing I needed was for Amy to know I was laughing, even though I wasn’t the only one.
“Well said, Jen!” Ellie’s voice interjected. “Enough, already.”
My eyes widened. Ellie was so soft-spoken and kind, it wasn’t like her to add her support to any type of criticism. I shed my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt and was in and out of the shower in just a few minutes. Ellie was dressed and towel drying her short hair by the time I got back to our room.
“Can you believe that ding-dong, Amy?” Ellie asked incredulously.
“Yeah, she’s delusional. Who was that other girl? Jen, I think you called her?”
“I don’t know her that well, but she’s cool. She’s in one of my liberal arts classes.”
“She’s funny.”
Ellie nodded, picking up the blow dryer. “Ryan called,” she said.
My heart leapt a little in my chest. “He did?”
“Sorry. I answered it when I saw who it was. He wants you to call him back. Did you see him last night?”
“No. He had a date, I think.”
I could feel her eyes follow my movements. “Do you think he was mad that you didn’t meet him the other night?”
“I doubt it.” I went to pick out a pair of jeans and a purple V-neck T-shirt. The black leather portfolio that my mother had given me for my last birthday was tucked between the foot of my bed and the closet. It had been empty since I’d come to school, but last night, after a night spent alone drawing, it now had its first occupant. I flushed a little.
Our room was small, so privacy was limited while we were both there. I was thankful she’d been out on a date of her own when my stupid emotions got the better of me. I was shaken by how Ryan going on a date affected me. I got all choked up and sad that he was with some faceless woman I didn’t know. I’d come to rely on his presence, and I wasn’t prepared for how miserable the prospect of losing time with him made me feel. I felt ridiculously wounded, but I had no right to feel that way.
I cleared my throat, the memory of it all feeling fresh and new. The last thing I needed was to relive it.
Ellie finished drying her hair, and I took my turn in front of the mirror to dry mine, pull it back, and put on a little make-up. I stared at my reflection, mentally comparing my green eyes, pale complexion, and dark hair to the imaginary beauty I’d conjured in my head. What if he got serious about some girl and we couldn’t hang out any more? I didn’t want to think about it.
“When do you leave for Kansas City, Julia?”
“Wednesday morning. I’m sort of looking forward to it.” I wanted some perspective, and I hoped distance away from Ryan was the one, sure way to get it. I sat down on the bed and pulled on some thick socks.
Ellie was sitting on her own bed, which was across from mine. Both of them were twin beds in the small dorm room. She grabbed one of her textbooks from the shelf over her desk and opened it. “Aren’t you going to call Ryan back?
”
I shrugged. I should. I had no right to feel indignant about his date, but I still felt fragile and I didn’t know how to handle it. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of hiding my feelings from him. “Probably. I want to go over my paper once more before I email it to my professor. I think I’ll take my laptop to the library.”
The truth was, I had a lot left to do on it. The night before I’d felt too crappy to concentrate and self-medicated the whole evening away, taking a hot shower, then spending the rest of the night drawing a portrait of Ryan. It was the first I’d done of him, and I spent hours on it, wanting to get every nuance of his face perfect. Somehow, it helped ease the ache because in drawing him, he was with me.
“Okay.” I could sense she had questions, but she didn’t press me.
I was in serious danger of getting my heart crushed. I’d known it for weeks, but it didn’t stop me from spending time with him. If I were honest, my time with Ryan was the best part of my day.
I threw a heavy sweater on over my T-shirt, my leftover melancholy not diminishing by Ryan’s attempt to get in touch with me. In the process of packing my computer and notes into my backpack, my phone jingled. I knew who it was before I picked it up and rather than being thrilled, I was apprehensive. Still, I read his text.
Jules, are you around? I called. Did Ellie tell you?
I quickly typed out an answer before sliding my arms into my coat and grabbing my backpack.
Yes. I’m on my way to the library to finish my paper.
His response was immediate.
Oh. I hoped you were done so we could hang out today.
My heart swelled with relief. Whatever happened on that date, it wasn’t enough to preoccupy Ryan today.
I’d like to, but I should study at least a couple of hours.
Can you meet me for coffee later? Maybe 3 or 4?
4 will be better. The Student Union?
Cool. If you’re finished by then, maybe we can hit the movie tonight?
Yes. :)
Great. See you then.
Suddenly, everything was right with my world.