“I miss you, too. See ya.”
“Bye.” He hung up.
It’s not good-bye. It’s not good-bye. Never say good-bye.
Staring at my bare feet, I thought about how he didn’t ask me what I was up to. I never even got a chance to tell him about the band gigs.
Tati stood there, leaning against the doorjamb of the front door with her arms crossed over her chest. “Where are your pants?”
“That was Matt.”
“I figured. Are you gonna get dressed today? I’ve come to pick you up for lunch. You can tell me all about it then.”
“Yeah.”
“Come on.” She motioned with her head toward the door.
“Okay,” I said. “Sandwiches?”
“Anything’s better than ramen.”
Tati and I met for lunch every Wednesday for the next month. Sometime in early July, she asked if I had talked to Matt, and I told her no.
“How come he hasn’t called?”
“I might have missed him. I don’t know, he’s in the middle of nowhere. It’s hard to coordinate these things. I’m sure he’s fine.”
When I got home that day, one of the summer RAs had taped an envelope to my door with a note that said, Way to go, Matt! I had told her all about Matt’s internship since she was a photography major at Tisch, plus I was always checking in with her to find out if Matt had called.
I opened it up to find an article from a photography magazine. The cover was a photograph of Matt taking a picture of a woman taking a photograph of herself in a mirror. The headline said, “The Beauty Behind the Camera.”
I swallowed hard and tried to fight the nausea as I read all about the young, beautiful Elizabeth Hunt, who was making a huge name for herself at National Geographic. And then, at the very end, I read three sentences that changed the course of my life forever.
Hunt points out that her partnership with Matthias Shore, a promising young talent who recently emerged from New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts, has proven to be a fruitful union. Their next assignment includes a six-month expedition off the coast of Australia, exploring the Great Barrier Reef and the great white shark’s breaching behavior while hunting. “Matt and I are thrilled about this opportunity and excited to take our partnership to the next level,” Hunt said.
We were so young, and life was already offering so many twists and turns. But did I have to accept what I had just read without arguing my case?
No way.
I immediately called Aletha in a daze. “Hello, Aletha, it’s Grace.”
“So good to hear from you, dear. How are you? Everything okay?”
“Fine,” I said with little emotion. “I wondered if you had heard from Matt?”
“Oh yes, sweetie, I just talked to him yesterday.”
I was gutted. Why hadn’t he called me? I was practically sleeping by the phone in the lounge. “You did? What did he say?”
“Oh, we’re all so proud of Matt. He’s really making a name for himself in such a short time.”
“Yes, I’ve heard,” I said, somewhat icily.
“Nothing can slow down Matt’s career, and his father is so proud of him. You know what that means to Matt.”
“Oh, wonderful.” My voice was shrinking by the second. “Did he mention me by any chance?”
“He said if anyone asks, to let them know that he’s okay.”
Anyone?
“Well . . . I guess if you hear from him in the next couple of days, will you ask him to call me?”
“Yes, of course, Grace. He’s been calling every week, so I’ll let him know.”
Oh, he has, has he?
I hung up with Aletha and ran back to my room, barely able to comprehend all the new information I had just learned. Elizabeth Hunt . . . Australia for six months . . . Weekly phone calls with his mom . . .
Three more days went by, with still no word from Matt. I dragged myself out of bed, too tired to cry and too sad to eat. I went to the lounge and called Tati.
“Hello?”
“It’s Grace.”
“Hey, how are you?”
“Can you come over?”
“I’ll be there in a bit.” She could hear the pain in my voice.
She came thundering into my room fifteen minutes later. I held the article about Matt and Elizabeth out to her. She read it to herself. All she did was shake her head and offer me a cigarette.
“I’m okay, Tati.”
“Don’t overreact, Grace,” she said.
“I’m not overreacting.” By then I had stopped crying. “Just let Dan know I’m in. I’m going on tour with you guys.”
Tati grinned back at me. “Good. You won’t regret it.”
THIRD MOVEMENT:
NOW, FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
20. You Remembered . . .
GRACE
The present is our own. The right-this-second, the here-and-now, this moment before the next, is ours for the taking. It’s the only free gift the universe has to offer. The past doesn’t belong to us anymore, and the future is just a fantasy, never guaranteed. But the present is ours to own. The only way we can realize that fantasy is if we embrace the now.
I had been closed off for a long time, and I hadn’t allowed myself to imagine the future because I was still stuck in the past. Though it was impossible, I had tried to re-create what Matt and I once had. I wanted nothing else; he was all I could imagine.
But Orvin once told me that time is the currency of life. And I had lost so much of it. It was that idea of lost time that finally made me realize I needed to move on, that I would never have what I once had with Matt. I had to mourn our relationship and move on.
At least, that’s what I told myself.
Two months ago I was walking around in a thick fog of regret. I was going through the motions but wasn’t feeling anything. I’d stare at my new wrinkles in the mirror and wonder where they came from. I wasted more time, repeating the same thing day in and day out, barely present in my own life. I wasn’t looking to break out of the cycle in search of anything meaningful.
Until I saw Matt in the subway station.
Everything changed. I could see in color again, every image vivid and crisp.
Over the last fifteen years, the pain of what had happened to us waxed and waned. Many times I tried to force myself to stop thinking about him, but there were too many reminders. I thought, if I ever saw him again, he’d look right through me, like I was a ghost from his past. That’s how he made me feel that summer after college: someone who no longer existed.
But when I saw him in the station, his eyes locked on mine. He recognized me instantly, and all I could see in his face was pure wonder. It was like he was seeing the sunset over the ocean for the first time. As my train disappeared into the tunnel, his expression turned to desperation, and that’s when I knew there was a missing piece to our story. What was behind his desperation? What had happened to him in the last fifteen years that would send him running down the platform, his hand outstretched, his eyes full of longing?
I needed to find the answer. I had an idea of where I could find Matt, but I was too scared to look.
“Ms. Porter?”
“Yes, Eli?” I stared into the big blue eyes of one of my senior trombone players as I cleaned up sheet music from a table. We were in the band room at the high school where I taught.
“Do you know what Craigslist is?”
I smiled. “Of course. I’m not that old, Eli.”
He blushed. “I know you’re not.” He seemed nervous. “I’m asking because I saw your tattoo the other day when you put your hair up.” He swallowed.
“Go on,” I said, totally curious.
“ ‘Green-eyed Lovebird.’ That’s what it says, right?”
I nodded.
“Did someone used to call you that?”
“Yes, someone I used to know.” My pulse quickened at the thought. Where is he going with this?
He fished a folded rect
angle of paper out of his pocket. “So remember when we did that band tournament and there was that girl from Southwest High who played the tuba?”
“Sure.” I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Well, I kind of thought we had a connection but neither of us acted on it. Anyway, I was looking to see if she posted a message for me in the Missed Connections section of Craigslist when I saw this.”
He unfolded the paper and handed it to me.
To the Green-Eyed Lovebird:
We met fifteen years ago, almost to the day, when I moved my stuff into the NYU dorm room next to yours at Senior House.
You called us fast friends. I like to think it was more.
We lived on nothing but the excitement of finding ourselves through music ( you were obsessed with Jeff Buckley ), photography ( I couldn’t stop taking pictures of you ), hanging out in Washington Square Park, and all the weird things we did to make money. I learned more about myself that year than any other.
Yet, somehow, it all fell apart. We lost touch the summer after graduation, when I went to South America to work for National Geographic. When I came back, you were gone. A part of me still wonders if I pushed you too hard after the wedding . . .
I didn’t see you again until a month ago. It was a Wednesday. You were rocking back on your heels, balancing on that thick yellow line that runs along the subway platform, waiting for the F train. I didn’t know it was you until it was too late, and then you were gone. Again. You said my name; I saw it on your lips. I tried to will the train to stop, just so I could say hello.
After seeing you, all of the youthful feelings and memories came flooding back to me, and now I’ve spent the better part of a month wondering what your life is like. I might be totally out of my mind, but would you like to get a drink with me and catch up on the last decade and a half?
M
(212)-555-3004
My mouth was open in shock as I reread it to myself three times.
“Ms. Porter, is this letter for you? Do you know this M person?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice shaking. Tears began to fill my eyes. I reached out and hugged him. “Thank you.”
“That’s pretty cool. I didn’t think those posts ever worked. Good thing you have that tattoo. Are you gonna call the dude?”
“I think so. Listen, Eli, I really appreciate what you’ve done, but I need to head out. Can I take this?” I held up the paper.
“Of course. It’s yours.”
I gave him a grateful, teary smile, grabbed my things, and hurried to the steps at the front of the school to call Tati.
She answered right away. “Hello?”
“Hey, are you busy?”
“I’m at the salon,” she said. Soon after we graduated from college, Tati got dumped by Brandon. She immediately ran out, cut her hair very short, and dyed it jet black. She’d been wearing it that way for fifteen years, I think as a reminder of some kind. She hadn’t been in a committed relationship since Brandon, except for the one she had with her hairdresser.
“Can I meet you there?”
“Sure. What’s up? Why do you sound so weird?”
“I don’t.” I was breathing hard.
“Okay, come on over.”
Remember speed-walking? It was a short-lived exercise fad in the eighties. It’s a really goofy way of walking so fast that your hips jut from side to side. It’s actually an Olympic event still.
I speed-walked six blocks to the salon so fast, I could’ve won a gold medal.
I exploded through the door and found Tati in the first chair, wearing one of those black salon capes. Her hair was coated in purplish-black dye and covered in a cellophane cap while her hairdresser gave her a shoulder massage.
“I’m processing,” Tati said, pointing to her head.
“Hi,” I said to her hairdresser, “I can do that.”
The girl smiled and walked away. I stood behind Tati and started rubbing her shoulders.
“Ooh, easy, your cello hands are too rough,” she whined.
“Oh, shut it. I have to talk to you.”
“Talk then.”
“He wants to meet with me.”
“What are you talking about?” I had told Tati about seeing Matt on the subway, but that had been two months ago.
“Read this.” I handed her the piece of paper.
A moment later she was sniffling.
“Are you crying?” I asked from behind her.
“I must be hormonal. This is just so sad. Why does he sound so oblivious in this post?”
“I don’t know.”
“You have to call him. Grace. You need to go home right now and call him.”
“What do I say?”
“Just feel him out and see what his deal is. I think this sounds like the old Matt, thoughtful and deep.”
“I know, right?”
She popped out of the chair, looked at me, and pointed toward the door. “Go, Now.”
21. I Looked for You Inside of Everyone Else
MATT
One Tuesday, a few weeks after I posted the letter for Grace to Craigslist, I was walking to my building from the subway when my eight-year-old nephew called, wanting to know if I’d sponsor his jog-a-thon. I adored the kid and said I totally would, but just as I was about to hang up with him, his mother got on the line.
“Matthias, it’s Monica.”
“Hey. How’s Alexander?”
“Great. Working like a dog and outshining all the other partners, as usual. You know Alexander.”
“Sure do,” I said, not unbitterly. “And you? How’s life in Beverly Hills?”
“Cut the shit, Matthias.”
“What’s up, Monica?”
“Elizabeth called me and said she and Brad are having a baby.” My sister-in-law could win an award for figurative ball size.
“Yeah, I’m aware. I get the privilege of working with those assholes every day.”
“She was my sister for eight years, Matthias. Don’t you think I have the right to know?”
I laughed. “You guys weren’t exactly pals, so calling her your ‘sister’ is ridiculous. And she left me, remember?”
“You’re an ass. She wouldn’t have left you if you weren’t so hung up on Grace.”
“Grace had nothing to do with my marriage or divorce.”
“Yeah right. Elizabeth said you never got rid of your photos of her.”
“I never get rid of any photos I take. Why would I? I’m a photographer. Grace was the subject of a lot of my early work. Elizabeth knows that better than anyone. Also, why are we even having this conversation?”
“I just wanted to make sure she gets a gift from us.”
“The postal service can help you with that. She still lives in our old apartment. You know, the one I gave up so she could play house and make babies with her boyfriend.”
“Husband,” she corrected.
“Bye, Monica. Tell Alexander I said hi.”
I hung up, took a deep breath, and wondered again, for the tenth time that week, what the fuck had happened to my life.
When I got to work, I found Scott getting coffee in the break room.
“You get any responses from that post?” he asked.
“Nope, just a few really sweet ladies who offered to be my green-eyed lovebird.”
“Dude, what’s your problem? Take advantage of the situation. She’ll probably never see it, but that doesn’t mean she’s the only green-eyed lovebird out there.” He batted his eyelashes at me.
“That’s the thing. On my way here, I was thinking about my life.”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, listen. My first girlfriend, Monica, and I had this stupid relationship that was all about being fake and trying to impress each other and everyone else.”
“You were young. So what?”
“It was the same thing with Elizabeth, at least in the beginning. My relationship with Monica set the precedent for my marriage with Elizabeth.
When things got real, neither of us could handle it. It wasn’t like that with Grace. Ever. It was always real with her.”
“There are other Graces out there.”
“There aren’t, man. I’m telling you. I just met her at the wrong time. Fifteen years have gone by and I still think about her. I was married to another woman, a beautiful, smart woman, but sometimes I would think about Grace and wonder what it would have been like if we’d stayed together. I’d be making love to my wife and thinking about Grace. How fucked up is that?”
“ ‘Making love’? That’s really sweet, Matt.” He grinned, on the brink of laughter.
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m just saying it’s time to start nailing chicks. You’re long overdue. No more making love for you. Doctor’s orders.”
He slapped me on the shoulder and walked out.
Later in the week, Elizabeth stopped by my cubicle. I was leaning back in my chair, playing Angry Birds.
“Matt?”
I looked up to find her wearing a flowing maternity dress, looking like Mother Earth herself, caressing her baby bump. Elizabeth was pretty in a natural, granola kind of way. Plain features, plain brown hair, nice skin, and a sun-kissed glow all year long. It was her personality and her easy betrayal of our marriage that made her ugly.
“What’s up?”
“Don’t you have, like, a thousand photos to edit?”
I returned my focus to the screaming birds. “Done. Submitted.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her put her hand on her hip like a stern parent. Her patience was dwindling. I didn’t care.
“You couldn’t pass them by me first?”
My eyes shot up to her and then back down to my phone. “Well, that’s a fine-lookin’ high horse you’re on, Lizzy.” I never called her that. “You think you’re my boss now?”
“Matt. I can barely tolerate this strife between us.”
“Strife?!” I chuckled as I leaned back in my chair. My phone buzzed in my hand. Incoming call from a local Manhattan number I didn’t recognize. I held my finger up to Elizabeth, shushing her before I pressed talk. “Hello?”
“Matt?”
Oh God.
Her voice, her voice, her voice, her voice.