He looked at me steadily for a couple of beats and then shrugged. “All right, see ya.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, as if he had done it a million times before.
Once Ash came down the stairs, I followed them out of the front door and watched as they walked toward the subway. They were laughing . . . and it sounded like music. A part of me wanted to join them, but another part told me to stay. As much as I loved seeing Matt, and as much as I loved spending that night at his apartment, the endless rejections over the years—and the way he had taken the news about Ash—had scarred me so thoroughly that it was hard to believe he was there with us, like I had always wanted.
I never really doubted his love for me, but it scared me that he was keeping a safe distance. I needed to protect myself.
* * *
WE BEGAN SPLITTING our weekends up. Ash would go to Matt’s on either Fridays or Saturdays, and we alternated Sundays.
The New York Philharmonic officially offered me the cellist seat for two weeks, so I spent my time away from Ash practicing the music and preparing for my two-week trip abroad.
Ash finished her freshman year of high school with phenomenal grades and received an award of overall excellence. Both Matt and I attended the ceremony, and he was beaming the entire time, like the proud dad that he was. When we left the auditorium that day, he hugged me for a long time and whispered, “You did good with her. Thank you. I’m so proud of my girls.”
My heart ached at his words. I didn’t know if anyone had ever told me they were proud of me, and there was no one in the world I wanted to hear those words from more than him.
The summer began and I knew Ash would get bored, so I signed her up for a summer photography workshop. As soon as Matt caught wind of it, he signed up, too. I knew he could have taught the class himself, but he just wanted the time with his daughter. Ash told me that once all her classmates found out who he was, he became a rock star to everyone, including the instructor. Ash told me he was even dabbling with a more artistic style from the documentary style that had made him famous.
It was strange how Matt and I were finding ourselves again; it was like we were picking up where we had left off, with both of us exploring our passions with renewed energy. Part of me felt like I was living the life I’d been meant to live. The only problem was that Matt and I weren’t exactly doing it together. We were running on parallel tracks.
One night, Ash seemed down.
“What’s wrong, honey?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said in a flat voice.
“Talk to me.” I sat next to her on her bed.
“Dad told me that he was offered a job in Singapore for National Geographic. He’s supposed to transfer in the fall.”
My eyes widened in shock. “What? When did he tell you that?” I could not imagine Matt leaving now after he and Ash had become so close and everyone was finally healing.
She started crying. “A long time ago. Like, right when we met, but now the thought of it makes me so sad.”
“What? I can’t even . . . when did this . . .” I barely knew how to respond. “I’ll talk to him.”
She wiped away the tears and stood up. “I’m so sick of you guys dancing around each other like you’re in junior high. I actually have friends with more mature relationships than the two of you.”
“That’s enough,” I said, sharply.
She stomped her foot. “No, I’m sick of it. You guys need a push.”
“Ash, that’s not for you to decide.”
“Well, maybe if you’d get over yourself, Dad wouldn’t leave.”
She ran out into the hall and into the bathroom and slammed the door.
“Ash, come back!”
I walked to the bathroom and pounded on the door, but she wouldn’t open it. After a few minutes, I gave up and went to my own room. I was angry. Upset. Confused. Was he really leaving? How the hell could he do this to us? To me?
Eventually, I heard Ash leave the bathroom and go to her room. When I went to check on her an hour later, she was fast asleep.
I called Tati and asked her to come over.
“It’s ten o’clock,” she said, flatly.
“I need to go to Matt’s and I don’t know how long I’ll be there.”
“Can’t you just call him?”
“No, because I need to punch him in the face.”
“Oh, Jesus. What happened now?”
“Ash said he might be taking a job in Singapore. We just had a big fight about it, and I don’t know what the hell to do. Just come over, please.”
“Got it. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
After Tati got to my house, I stormed several blocks to Matt’s house, raging with anger. I rang the buzzer over and over again.
“Yes?” Matt said over the speaker.
“It’s your baby-mama. Let me in.”
I heard him laugh. “Come right up.”
When I got to the loft, he opened the door wide, smiling. “Gracie.”
“Don’t Gracie me, you bastard.” I shoved past him, threw my purse down, and crossed my arms. He looked scared. “What in the fuck, Matt? What is wrong with you?”
He leaned against the wall, perhaps to get as far away from me as possible. “What are you talking about?”
“Our poor daughter was in tears tonight because you told her you were moving to Singapore. Is that true? Because if it is—”
“Grace, stop. Listen to me.” It looked like he was searching his mind. “I mentioned to her that I got a job offer a long time ago, when we barely knew each other.”
“Well?”
“I told my boss I couldn’t take it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “When?”
“After that night you came here. I never would have left anyway; I was just in a daze. I had requested a job in the field before I reconnected with you and met Ash.” He was sincere, pleading. “I feel bad that she’s been dwelling on it.”
“Yeah, well, kids do that.”
He came toward me and reached out for my hands and held them between us. “I’m still learning, Grace.”
I looked down and shook my head. “I know, I’m sorry. I overreacted. She was just in so much pain. I just couldn’t watch her go through what I went through . . .”
His eyes looked haunted. “I’m never gonna leave you guys. You have to believe me, Gracie. You have to.”
I stared at him hard. “Make me believe.”
He ran his thumb over my lip. “I will, even if it fucking takes me forever.” And then his lips were on mine and we were in it, pulling away from the past and rushing fast into the future.
26. Our Time
GRACE
Matt, Ash, and I had dinner together every night for the next few nights. Things were finally starting to feel right.
On Friday of that week, I found Matt waiting for me at the front gate after school. Ash had told me to dress nicely that morning, and I could see she had given the same direction to Matt. I didn’t know what was going on, but I decided I would go with the flow.
“What are you doing here?”
He smiled and then bent and kissed my cheek. “Nice to see you, Gracie. I think our daughter has something planned for us.”
“Of course she does.” He was in dress pants and a button-down shirt. I looked down at his gleaming black Converse. That was about as dressy as I ever saw Matt.
“You look good,” I told him.
His eyes took in my casual floral dress and sandals. “So do you. You look lovely.”
I grinned. “So what’s this all about, you think?”
“Not a clue.” He held an arm out to me. “Shall we?”
“How do you know where to go?” I asked.
“Ash told me to meet you here at the gate and escort you to the auditorium.”
I nodded. “Let’s go.”
Inside the auditorium, we found Ash, Tati, and my orchestra students waiting for us, along with a few familiar faces from the Phil
harmonic. With the exception of Ash, they were all arranged in chairs with their instruments, as if they were about to play.
Ash came skipping over to us. “I thought we could do something fun today. All of us.”
I waved to everyone. “Did you put this all together?”
“I had help.”
Tati came over and I felt my throat tighten with emotion. “Are you two ready for this? Your daughter has worked very hard to plan something special for you today. Come and have a seat.”
We sat on the two guest chairs set up in front of our own private orchestra. Tati was the conductor, which I found especially entertaining. Matt grabbed my hand as the music began. I knew it from the first note: “Hallelujah.” He squeezed my hand and held on through the entire song.
At the end, I stood up excitedly and clapped like a maniac, yelling, “Bravo!” Matt whistled and clapped and then Ash came running over to us again.
“Wasn’t that amazing?” she said.
“Oh, Ash, thank you, sweetie. That was so thoughtful of you.”
“Wait, it’s not over yet; this is just the beginning.” She handed us a manila envelope. I opened it and pulled out an eight-by-ten black-and-white photo of Matt and me in college. It was of the two of us in the lounge at Senior House. Tati had taken it, and I remembered it vividly. “Read the back.” Ash said.
Matt stood behind me and watched as I turned it over. We both read the lines out loud:
“Hallelujah, you two found each other here . . . / Now head to the place you first met, just before senior year.”
Tati came up right behind Ash. “Give us a ten-minute head start,” she said.
Matt laughed. “Okay, we’ll see you over there.”
We said our good-byes to the musicians and thanked them for a beautiful performance. After Ash and Tati took off in a cab, Matt took my hand in his. “Do you wanna walk?”
“Yeah.”
It was a warm and sunny day. The neighborhood felt more laid-back than usual. Matt swung our hands back and forth as we walked down the street.
When we got to Senior House, the moment felt surreal and beautifully nostalgic. The building looked a little different but still felt the same. Tati and Ash were standing in the stairway. “Come up!” Tati yelled.
On the third landing, we peeked into my old room. It was empty except for my cello, propped on a chair near the window. I looked at Ash and she smiled. “Play for Dad, Mom.” She handed Matt an old camera that I recognized from college. “It’s loaded and all set for you.”
He smiled. “Thank you, Ash.”
“Okay you two, there’s an envelope for you on the windowsill,” Tati said.
“How did you guys get into this room?” I asked.
“We told the summer RA your story and he gave us the key. It’s the summer and no one was using it anyway,” Ash said, laughing.
“How much time do we have?” Matt asked.
“Be at the next location in an hour.” She leaned up on her toes and kissed her dad on the cheek and then turned to me. “Have fun, you guys.”
After they left, Matt closed the door behind us. Almost immediately, I heard the shutter on the camera clicking as he photographed me from behind. I went to the cello and sat down. “Any requests?”
He pulled the camera away from his face. “ ‘Fake Plastic Trees’?”
“You remember?”
“How could I forget?” His gaze was heavy. There was warmth and desire in his eyes, but there was also a tiny bit of regret that I knew would never go away. I felt it too, especially in that room.
I played the rather difficult song, alternating between vibrato and the bow. Matt stopped photographing me and just watched in wonder. When the song was over, I looked up to his smiling face. “You stopped taking pictures?”
“Some things are better to keep up here.” He tapped the side of his head.
“I agree,” I whispered.
He was at my side in two strides. As I stood, he gripped my face and kissed me hard. We broke away from each other for just a second. Matt set the camera on the windowsill and pressed the shutter release. The timer was on and he was back to kissing me as it clicked down and snapped open and shut, capturing the moment.
His hands crept under my dress, and before I knew it he was peeling my panties down. “Take these off,” he said, breathily.
“There’s no bed here.”
“That’s never stopped us before.”
I pulled my panties down and kicked them off. Matt’s belt was undone already when I looked back up. He picked me up to straddle him and set me on the chair. He was inside of me in two seconds without ever breaking the kiss.
“I love you, Gracie.” His voice was so smooth near my ear that I practically fell apart in the first few moments. He told me he loved me but I already knew. We moved slowly and gently and it was enough. Our moans were quiet and soothing, and I didn’t want it to ever end. Afterward we held each other for a long time.
Inside the envelope on the windowsill was a picture. It was an old color photograph of Matt and me in our pajamas, with the traffic blurred behind us. “This is cool. I’ve never seen this.”
“I just got it developed when we got back in touch. Turn it over, let’s see the clue.”
Go east one block to Avenue Seven
And then south three more
To a little slice of heaven
We left Senior House with big smiles on our faces. “Gosh, I hope Ash doesn’t think we . . .” I started to say.
“Honestly, Grace, she sort of set it up.”
“Not for that.”
“Well, we don’t need to tell her everything.”
About halfway down the block, I stopped. “Full disclosure?”
“Always.”
I looked down at my feet. “I almost had an abortion.”
He looked at my steadily. “What stopped you?”
“I couldn’t do it.” My eyes started to well up.
“Please don’t cry. This is such a happy day—the happiest I’ve felt in a long time.” He kissed me.
“I know. I’m just so happy I made the right choice.”
“Me too,” he said, quietly, as he held me on the street.
We found Ash and Tati standing outside of a building. “Come in, this is so cool,” Ash yelled.
We walked in, and upon entering we realized it was a gallery, with a man standing in a suit. Tati introduced him as the owner of the gallery. “He agreed to let Ash put up these photos, and he loved them so much that he wants to run a show for the next two months.”
I looked around, stunned. They were all Matt’s photos of me blown up and mounted professionally. The first one was a color photo of me playing the cello in the old dorm room–a picture I had never seen before. The title tag next to it read “Grace in Color.” I started to cry then, big, happy tears.
“These are beautiful. God, Ash . . .” Matt was emotional, too; he could barely speak. We both hugged her between us as we walked through the gallery, staring at all the memories, admiring Matt’s talent and seeing his reaction to the photos, each so precious to him. It wasn’t long before all of us, including Tati, were crying.
Huddled together near the door, Ash said, “There’s just one more place. I have to go first, so give me a few minutes.”
“No clue?”
“No, this one is a surprise,” Ash said.
We all hugged and then Tati walked Ash to a cab. Just before Ash got in, she called back, “No more crying, you guys!”
“Okay, kid!” Matt called back.
Once Ash was gone, Tati walked up to us and put her hands on her hips. “Listen up. That little girl has been planning this for a long time. I told her it wasn’t a good idea and she promised me that if things don’t go her way, she won’t be heartbroken.”
“What is it, Tati?” I asked.
“I told her I wouldn’t tell.” She turned her attention to Matt. “Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen with y
our weird little family, but I have something to say to you personally. You saw how handy I am with a bow, right?” He nodded, with an amused smile on his face. “I will shove that thing so far up you-know-where, my friend, if you hurt either one of my girls.”
He immediately threw his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “I would never. They’re my girls, too,” he said quietly.
They pulled away and Tati pointed to the taxi behind her. “He knows where to take you. Go find your daughter.”
In the back of the cab, Matt and I held hands. I don’t think either one of us expected to pull up in front of City Hall, but that’s where we ended up. “How did she know?” Matt asked.
“Tati must have told her the story. Look, there she is.”
Ash was sitting on the steps, waiting for us. “Clever girl,” Matt said.
“Our clever girl.”
“Well, Gracie, do you feel like doing something crazy?”
“Always. But before we get out, I need to know if it’s for her or for us. I’ll do it either way, but I need to know.”
He took my hand in his. “Graceland Marie Starr-Shore-Porter—whatever your name is—my life wasn’t real without you. It was just a series of days all strung together by a bunch of regrets. But then I got you back. This is the right time, I promise; this is our time. You’re the love of my life. I fucking love you, Grace. I’ve always loved you. I loved you when I wasn’t with you, and before that, and right now. Marry me?”
“Fuck yeah,” I whispered. I took his face between my hands and kissed him. “Let’s go put on a show for her.”
He pulled me out of the cab and we stood hand in hand, staring up at Ash. “What’s this all about, kid?” Matt said.
She stood up and threw her arms out. “Come on, you guys. You know I’d make a way better witness than Gary Busey.”
Matt looked over at me with arched eyebrows. “She doesn’t smell like salami.” He shrugged.
“ ‘She doesn’t smell like salami’ will go down in history as the weirdest marriage proposal ever,” I said.
“Graceland, are you calling me weird?”
“Yep, it’s what I like about you.”
Ash walked down the steps and stood near us. She was beaming.