STORY ONE, CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
I daresay you who read this don't know what the sensation is of havingone arm-bone shivered, and the dead limb swinging helplessly about inyour sleeve, whilst a great miserable sensation comes over you that youare of no more use--that you are only a cracked pitcher, fit to holdwater no more, but only to be broken up to mend the road with. Therewere all those women and children wanting my help, and the help ofhundreds more such as me, and instead of being of use, I knew that Imust be a miserable burden to everybody, and only in the way.
Now, whether man--as some of the great philosophers say--did graduallyget developed from the beast of the field, I'm not going to pretend toknow; but what I do know is this--that, leave him in his natural state,and when he, for some reason or another, forgets all that has beentaught him, he seems very much like an animal, and acts as such.
It was something after this fashion with me then, for feeling like apoor brute out of a herd that has been shot by the hunters, I did justthe same as it would--crawled away to find a place where I might hidemyself and lie down and die.
You'll laugh, I daresay, when I tell you my sensations just then, andI'm ready to laugh at them now myself; for, in the midst of my pain andsuffering, it came to me that I felt precisely as I did when I was ayoung shaver of ten years old. One Sunday afternoon, when everybody butmother and me had gone to church, and she had fallen asleep, I gotfather's big clay-pipe, rammed it full of tobacco out of his great leadbox, and then took it into the back kitchen, feeling as grand as achurchwarden, and set to and smoked it till I turned giddy and faint,and the place seemed swimming about me.
Now, that was just how I felt when I crawled about in that place, tryingnot to meet anybody, lest the women should see me all covered withblood; and at last I got, as I thought, into a room where I should beall alone.
I say I crawled; and that's what I did do, on one hand and my knees, thefingers of my broken arm trailing over the white marble floor, with eachfinger making a horrible red mark, when all at once I stopped, drewmyself up stiffly, and leaned trembling and dizzy up against the wall,trying hard not to faint. For I found that I wasn't alone, and that inplace of getting away--crawling into some hole to lie down and die, Iwas that low-spirited and weak--I had come to a place where one of thewomen was, for there, upon her knees, was Lizzy Green, sobbing andcrying, and tossing her hands about in the agony of her poor heart.
I was misty, and faint, and confused, you know; but perhaps it wassomething like instinct made me crawl to Lizzy's favourite place, for itwas not intended. She did not see me, for her back was my way; and Idid not mean her to know I was there; for in spite of my giddiness, Iseemed to feel that she had learned all the news about our sortie, andthat she was crying about poor Harry Lant.
"And he deserves to be cried for, poor chap," I said to myself, for Iforgot all about my own pains then; but all the same something very darkand bitter came over me, as I wished that she had been crying insteadfor poor me.
"But then he was always so bright, and merry, and clever," I thought,"and just the man who would make his way with a woman; while I--PleaseGod, let me die now!" I whispered to myself directly after, "for I'monly a poor, broken, helpless object, in everybody's way."
It seemed just then as if the hot weak tears that came running out of myeyes made me clearer, and better able to hear all that the sobbing girlsaid, as I leaned closer and closer to the wall; while, as to the sharppain every word she said gave me, the dull dead aching of my broken armwas nothing.
"Why--why did they let him go?" the poor girl sobbed, "as if there werenot enough to be killed without him; and him so brave, and stout, andhandsome, and true. My poor heart's broken. What shall I do?"
Then she sobbed again; and I remember thinking that unless help sooncame, if poor Harry Lant died of his wounds, she would soon go to joinhim in that land where there was to be no more suffering and pain.
Then I listened, for she was speaking again.
"If I could only have died for him, or been with, or--Oh, what have Idone, that I should be made to suffer so?"
I remember wondering whether she was suffering more then than I was;for, in spite of my jealous despairing feeling, there was something ofsorrow mixed up with it for her.
For she had always seemed to like poor Harry's merry ways, when I nevercould get a smile from her; and she'd go and sit with Mrs Bantem forlong enough when Harry was there, while if by chance I went, it seemedlike the signal for her to get up, and say her young lady wanted her,when most likely Harry would walk back with her; and I went and told itall to my pipe.
"If he'd only known how I'd loved him;" she sobbed again, "he'd havesaid one kind word to me before he went, have kissed me, perhaps, once;but no, not a look nor a sign! Oh! Isaac, Isaac! I shall never seeyou more!"
What--what? What was it choking me? What was it that sent what blood Ihad left gushing up in a dizzy cloud over my eyes, so that I could onlygasp out once the one word "Lizzy!" as I started to my feet, and stoodstaring at her in a helpless, half-blind fashion; for it seemed asthough I had been mistaken, and that it was possible after all that shehad been crying for me, believing me to be dead; but the next moment Iwas shrinking away from her, hiding my wounded face with my hand forfear she should see it, for leaping up, hot and flush-cheeked, and withthose eyes of hers flashing at me, she was at my side with a bound.
"You cowardly, cruel bad fellow!" she half-shrieked; "how dare you standin that mean deceitful way, listening to my words! Oh, that I should besuch a weak fool, with a stupid, blabbing, chattering tongue, to keep onkneeling and crying there, telling lies, every one of them, and--Getaway with you!"
I think it was a smile that was on my face then, as she gave me a fiercethrust on the wounded arm, when I staggered towards her. I know thepain was as if a red-hot hand had grasped me; but I smiled all the same,and then, as I fell, I heard her cry out two words, in a wild, agonisedway, that went right to my heart, making it leap before all was blank;for I knew that those words meant that, in spite of all my doubts, I wasloved.
"O Isaac!" she cried, in a wild frightened way, and then, as I said, allwas blank and dark for I don't know how long; but I seemed to wake up towhat was to me then like heaven, for my head was resting on Lizzy'sbreast, and, half-mad with fear and grief, she was kissing my pale faceagain and again.
"Try--try to forgive me for being so cruel, so unfeeling," she sobbed;and then for a moment, as she saw me smile, she was about to fly outagain, fierce-like, at having betrayed herself, and let me know how sheloved me. Even in those few minutes I could read it all: how herpassionate little heart was fighting against discipline, and how angryshe was with herself; but I saw it all pass away directly, as she lookeddown at my bleeding face, and eagerly asked me if I was very much hurt.
I tried to answer, but I could not; for the same deathly feeling ofsickness came on again, and I saw nothing.
I suppose, though, it only lasted a few minutes, for I woke like againto hear a panting hard breathing, as of some one using great exertion,and then I felt that I was being moved; but, for the life of me, for afew moments I could not make it out, till I heard the faint buzz ofvoices, when I found that Lizzy, the little fierce girl, who seemed tobe as nothing beside me, was actually, in her excitement, carrying me towhere she could get help, struggling along panting, a few feet at atime, beneath my weight, and me too helpless and weak to say a word.
"Good heavens! look!" I heard some one say the next moment, and I thinkit was Miss Ross; but it was some time before I came to myself againenough to find that I was lying with a rolled-up cloak under my head,and Lizzy bathing my lips from time to time, with what I afterwardslearned was her share of the water.
But what struck me most now was the way in which she was altered: hersharp, angry way was gone, and she seemed to be changed into a softgentle woman, without a single flirty way or thought, but always readyto flinch and shrink away until she saw how it troubled me, when she'dcreep
back to kneel down by my side, and put her little hand in mine;when, to make the same comparison again that I made before, I tell youthat there, in that besieged and ruined place, half-starved, choked withthirst, and surrounded by a set of demons thirsting for our blood--Itell you that it seemed to me like being in heaven.