Chapter 21
BAILEY
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I just…I couldn’t.
Beckett was standing there, surrounded by bottles of prescription pills and staring at them with longing and temptation.
“Oh my God, ohmigod!” I shrieked, hurrying to him and snagging the bottle he hadn’t dropped from his hand. “How many have you taken?”
I needed to get him to the hospital. Right now. They’d have to pump his stomach, get every single pill out. Oh my God, but what if I was too late? What if—
“None,” he said, shaking his head in instant denial. “I didn’t take any. I mean, I took two ibuprofens, but that was it. I was in pain. I just wanted…” He shook his head some more.
But he looked so guilty and caught-in-the-act. I didn’t think I could believe him. I rattled the prescription bottle in his face. “Then why did you pull all these down?”
“I…” He looked at the bottle, his expression filled with even more mortification and guilt.
“Oh my God,” I whispered, terrified to my core. Helping him through a hard time was one thing, but going on suicide watch for him was quite another.
When he looked at me, though, he could only shake his head. “I was just looking at them. Curious,” he tried to explain. “I wasn’t going to take them. I swear, I didn’t take any.”
I threw down the bottle into the sink and gripped his arms, shaking him roughly. “Then look me in the eye and swear to me that taking all these didn’t even cross your mind.”
He looked at me, his bright blue eyes so red and tormented. When his face crumpled with defeat, I knew it had crossed his mind.
“Oh, Beck.”
“I didn’t take any,” he swore.
“But what about tomorrow?” I exploded. “What happens when I leave you alone again? How the hell can I not worry it won’t cross your mind tomorrow, but maybe just a little more persistently the next time? Holy shit, Beck, I can’t deal with this. I can’t…I don’t do drama and emotion and freaking nervous breakdowns. I can’t even deal with my own hard times. When the going gets tough, I run to the hair salon and get my hair dyed. I can’t deal with anything! Now you’re standing here, contemplating suicide and I’m the only fucking person on the planet who actually gives a shit enough to want to stop you. Oh my fucking God!”
I let him go to grip my head and spin away, unable to look at him. “Don’t do this to me. How could you…” I whirled back. “What do you think it would’ve done to me to come in here and find you dead just now?”
“Jesus,” he breathed, stepping close to touch the side of my head. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Bailey. I won’t. I swear it. I don’t know what I was thinking. The thought just barely crossed my mind.” His lips parted with a terrible kind of realization before he quietly added, “And it wasn’t terrible.”
“Yes, it goddamn well is terrible,” I shrieked like a banshee, basically screaming at the top of my lungs. “Suicide is bad, Beck. But yours would shatter me. Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again. I will strangle you to within an inch of your life, and then I’ll resuscitate you and force you back to life. Because that’s what you’re going to do. Do you hear me? You’re going to fucking live!”
“Yes, I hear you,” he hollered right back, his voice booming deep as his eyes narrowed with irritation and his brow puckered madly. “You’re fucking screaming in my face. I think everyone in the goddamn city heard you. Now hear me. I didn’t take any. I’m not going to. And your yelling at me is probably the worst way ever to talk a guy off the ledge if he really were going to do any of that shit.”
“Well, excuse me if I yell when I get scared,” I yelled.
“Well, stop being scared, dammit, because I told you it was fine. I’m fine.”
“Except fine never really means fine.”
We were both screaming these things at the tops of our voices, right into the other’s faces. I’d had this kind of screaming match with brothers before. But it’d certainly never made me feel so exhilarated. I swear, Beckett’s bright blue eyes flashed with the same kind of adrenaline rush as he stepped closer to me.
“My fine means fine,” He shouted.
“Oh my God, what is going on?”
When the voice came from the doorway, Beck and I sprang apart as if we’d been caught canoodling or something.
Paige and Logan stood in the doorway, gaping us before Jonah’s face appeared over their shoulders.
“Are those my old pills?”
I linked my hands together behind my back and dug the toe of one shoe into the floor in front of me. “Oh, hey, guys…” I said slowly. “You’re, uh, you’re home early.”
Nothing to see here. I hadn’t just been screaming into the face of the stowaway boy I’d been stashing in our apartment for the past few nights without their knowledge. Nope, not me.
“We’re actually home late,” Paige answered slowly, lifting her eyes from the pills scattered on the floor before glancing questionably at Beck and turning to rest her attention on me.
I glanced at the time. Shit, she was right. Oh, God. This was so embarrassing. How long had I been yelling at Beck and getting strangely turned on by it?
“Oh,” I said in a small voice. Then I motioned to Beck. “This is—”
“Beckett Hilliard,” Logan answered for me.
Beck glanced at him, then blinked before tipping his head as if he recognized my roommate. “Designated Dave?” he asked, confused.
“My name’s actually Logan.”
That only seemed to perplex Beck more. “Really?” I knew he wanted to know why everyone called Logan Designated Dave, but he refrained, only glancing at me to let me know he had no clue what to say next.
I was going to let them know Beck was going to stay with us for a while and was trying to think up how to say it even as I opened my mouth. But Tess’s voice came from somewhere in the back of the crowd. “Can we move this to the living room so I can see what’s going on?”
Her request actually worked. Paige and Logan backed from the doorway and disappeared for a few seconds.
Beck and I exchanged chagrined glances. Then he hurried to scoop up all the pill bottles and put them back onto the shelf in the cabinet. After that, he blew out a cheekful of air, silently letting me know he was ready to do this. So I took his hand and led him from the bathroom.
He didn’t pull away. If anything, he leaned in closer as if to talk into my ear before I heard, “I thought you weren’t a hand holder.”
I scowled at him over my shoulder, hissing, “Just go with it. And let me do the talking.” Then I dragged him down the hall more harshly than before so it’d look like I was in control and herding him along rather than I just wanted to hold his hand for moral support, because I was suddenly nervous about facing my friends and really needed some moral support to survive this.
We reached the end of the hall and turned into the main room, only to find all four of my roommates standing in a semi-circle in the opening, waiting for us. In tandem, Beckett and I pulled back, surprised they were right there.
The two couples peered curiously at Beck. Tess even went as far as to gasp a surprised, “Oh,” before stepping protectively closer to Jonah.
I glanced at her to find her blushing madly.
Tess wasn’t intimidated by him because he was bruised and battered to hell. She usually stepped forward to help injured souls. No, hot guys were what made her shy.
Realizing she considered Beckett attractive made a spark of jealousy flicker through me. And that made no sense. I frowned at myself for the knee-jerk emotion.
It all gave Beck enough time to tighten his grip around my hand and blurt, “I stayed here the last two nights.”
I spun to him. “What the hell!”
He only rolled his eyes. “Oh, like you would’ve been any more tactful.”
My mouth fell open. How the hell did he know I completely lacked tact? The guy had known me for only a few days.
>
Not right.
Paige cleared her throat before saying, “I wasn’t aware you two knew each other.” She glanced at Tess for confirmation, but Tess only ducked her head so her red hair would hide most of her face. Paige turned back to me, wide-eyed. “I thought he wasn’t there when you tried to find him at his fraternity.”
“He wasn’t.” I glanced at Beck, but now that he’d already pushed me into the hot seat, he was being mute. The butthead. I turned back to the group, who suddenly felt like a freaking firing squad aiming their rifles—er, questioning stares—at me. “But then he contacted me, and I, uh, I assisted him with something, and after that, he really needed a place to stay, so…” I spread my arms to encompass the room, letting them know I’d let him stay here.
“You never told us he contacted you,” Tess finally said, lifting her face and blinking at me as if I’d lied to her.
I guess omitting that fact was a lie. Oh, crap. I’d never lied to Tess before. And I had no way to justify myself. I squeezed my fingers more snuggly around Beckett’s and mumbled, “Sorry.”
“I can’t believe you let him sleep under our roof without even consulting us first,” Jonah said, his voice stern and eyes hard with disapproval.
I gave him an indignant sniff before straightening my back. “Excuse me. I didn’t realize I had to ask.” Of course, I’d known I should’ve asked. It was only considerate to my roommates, whom I respected. But going with this reaction helped me feel not so shitty about how I’d treated my friends these last few days by not sharing anything with them. “It’s not like he really is a rapist,” I snapped. Then I narrowed my eyes at Jonah, daring him to say he didn’t believe me in that department.
He heaved out an irritated sigh. “I know you said he was innocent, but damn, Bailey, we don’t know him. I don’t feel comfortable letting a stranger stay in my home, with my girlfriend here. I should’ve gotten a say in that.”
Speaking of his girlfriend…
“Tess?” I whirled toward her. She was the biggest bleeding heart of the group. She’d talk some sense into her boyfriend. But she bit her lip and winced.
I groaned. “No. Not you too.”
“I’m sorry,” she gushed, “But if anyone else found out he’d been staying here, do you know what this would do to you, Bailey? All the rumors going around that you lied for him because you liked him and wanted him to date you would look true.”
“What rumors?” Beck turned to me. When he saw my irritated scowl, he must’ve realized what Tess said was true. His eyebrows lifted in scolding. “You didn’t tell me you were getting backlash over this.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Because it’s not a big deal. Just a bunch of gossip and speculation. The story sounds juicier if I’m a liar who’s desperately in love with you.”
“What? Jesus, Bailey.” He let go of my hand and took a step backward away from me as if I suddenly had leprosy. Running his hand through his hair, he insisted. “I can’t stay here now. I can’t put your reputation in danger.”
“Oh, whatever,” I snapped, grabbing his elbow to keep him from going anywhere. “The gossip isn’t going to miraculously stop if you leave.”
“But it’ll sure as hell get worse if anyone found out I have been staying here. Christ, I gotta…” He tried to pull his arm free from me, but I refused to let him go. “I need to leave,” he growled.
“No, you fucking don’t!” I exploded, “Especially not after I came home to find you trying to kill yourself.”
His mouth fell open as he gaped at me. Then he darted a glanced to Paige, Logan, Jonah and Tess as Paige uttered, “Say what?”
“I-I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” he rushed to explain to them before tightening his jaw and sending me a hard stare for outing him. “I was just—”
“Just what?” I growled. “Exploring your options? Suicide is not an option, Beck.”
“Well, what the hell else am I supposed to do?” he cried, pulling hard enough to get loose of me. His eyes turned watery as his bottom quivered. “There’s nothing left for me here. I’m not doing any good for anyone.” Motioning to me, he looked even more tormented. “I’m not doing any good for you. Everything and everyone would be better off if I was just gone.”
“No, I would not,” I rasped meaningfully as I shook my head. “I would most definitely not be better off if you were gone. I’d be a fucking failure, that’s what I’d be. Helping you through this has felt like the only thing I’ve ever done right. If you took your own life, you’d take that away from me.” Gritting my teeth, I growled, “Don’t you goddamn dare take that away from me.”
A tear trickled down his cheek. “I’m a burden to you.”
I shook my head. “No. You’re my friend. Friends aren’t burdens.”
He covered his face with both hands to hide the evidence of his feelings as his shoulders shook and a sob wracked his frame. “Christ, Bailey. Don’t say that. I don’t deserve it.”
“Well, too bad. I disagree. And besides, even if you didn’t deserve it, I’m sure no one really deserves half the lucky shit they get in life.”
There was only one thing that had ever worked before when he’d been this down, so I did that. Opening my arms, I wrapped them around him and hugged him.
He immediately hugged me back, burying his face in my hair and shuddering against me as he rasped, “I’m sorry,” into my hair. “I’m so sorry. I really wasn’t going to do anything. It was just a thought. Just a stupid, passing thought. I promise you, I won’t ever hurt myself.”
I patted his back, letting him know all was forgiven and forgotten.
Behind us, I heard Tess say, “Is she hugging him? Am I seeing things, or is she really, honestly hugging him?”
“I think she’s really, honestly hugging him,” Paige whispered back.
Beck lifted his face from my shoulder and quickly mopped his cheeks with his fingers before he cast a horrified glance at our audience. Just as swiftly, he stepped back, turning away to hide his misery.
I took in my roommates, looking each one in the eye, one after another. “Well?” I asked. “His life has completely derailed on him. He has no money, no job, no family, no friends, and no place else on the planet to go. The university kicked him out, and his emotional stability is zilch. Are you really going to kick him out after that?”
I knew I had my two friends’ support then. They both looked beseechingly to their boyfriends.
Jonah sighed and muttered a curse under his breath.
Logan eyed Beck as he rubbed his hand over the inside of this wrist. Then he said, “What about a compromise?”
Beck glanced at him as he lowered his brow, untrusting. “What kind of compromise?”
Logan studied his other three roommates before drawing in a breath. “I think we’re all in agreement we don’t want to put him out on the street. We’d like to help him as much as you do until he gets back on his feet, but there’s still a measure of unease, since he’s an unknown. How about he be here in the evenings and overnight,” he motioned toward me, “when Bailey’s here. Then, while we’re all in class and working during the day and the apartment’s empty, he finds somewhere else to go.”
Beck and the other three, all nodded, agreeing with that idea, but I cried, “No way. Yesterday, when he left during the day, he got the shit beat out of him. The news made everyone believe he’s a rapist, so that’s what everyone who crosses his path thinks of him. He’s not safe out there.”
Beckett scowled at me. Just like a guy, thinking he didn’t need any protection and could take care of himself. “I’ll be fine.”
I gaped at him, unable to believe he was okay with this. Why was everyone against me? Beck needed a safe place at all hours. They were being such idiots right now. Did no one else realize how much danger he’d be in out there?
Obviously, they didn’t because they just kept staring at me, waiting for me to give in, already.
Knowing I couldn’t win this round, I threw m
y hands in the air and groused, “Well, if no one minds his face looking like ground chuck for the rest of his life because everyone and their dog wants a piece of him, far be it for me to care. But just for the record, I think this is a stupid plan. He should be allowed to stay here at all hours.”
Then folding my arms over my chest, I stormed from the room, muttering over my shoulder. “I’m making supper tonight. No one help me.” They’d all just try to make something stupid for us to eat, anyway. Humph.
Chapter 22
BECKETT
No, this wasn’t awkward at all.
As Bailey marched from the living room, I glanced uneasily at the four people who remained. Her roommates. They all stared at me as if they expected me to tug a knife from my pocket and start slitting at my wrists. What’s worse, they were all strangers, well except for Designated Dave, who wasn’t really Dave after all—strange, that—and I barely knew him anyway. But he and the other three had now just seen me lose my shit all over the place. How was that for a first impression?
It was so nice to meet you too.
If I hadn’t wanted to die before, I kind of did now, from utter mortification.
“I’m…” I inched backward away from them and hooked my thumb over my shoulder. “I’m just, yeah, I’m gonna go. I’ll be in Bailey’s room.”
The short redhead grabbed her boyfriend’s arm and popped up onto her toes so she could hiss loudly enough into his ear for me to hear, “Should he be alone right now? I don’t think he should be alone right now.”
Oh, boy.
The big guy turned his gaze to me in a resigned but determined kind of way, like he really didn’t care what I did, but he was still fully prepared to physically strong-arm me into staying, even if it meant pinning me to the floor and sitting on me if necessary, just to make his girlfriend happy.
I lifted my hands, still creeping small steps backward, preparing to make a break for it if need be. “Look, I’m fine. Really. I’m not actually suicidal or anything. I just…” They were all three still staring at me as if I was totally suicidal. I jerked a hesitant glance toward the big guy—Jonah. “I’m really sorry I got into your pills. I had a headache.”