“I don’t want to be disloyal to Matt,” she whispered.
“Oh, honey, you’re not.” LouAnn put both hands on Janey’s shoulders and looked right into her eyes. “You deserve to be happy. Don’t be afraid of that.” LouAnn gave her a smile and a nod, and then she waved that she and Mav should leave too.
They did, and Janey gripped the door as she watched them cross the porch to the steps. Mav kept his hand on LouAnn’s elbow to steady her as she took the steps one at a time until she made it to the sidewalk. Their love was palpable, and she’d enjoyed being their daughter-in-law.
She’d always have them, just like Jess would always be Matt’s son. As she stood there, the only part of her body that seemed to be working was her brain, and that thing never shut off.
Don’t think. Just act.
Don’t let him go.
Don’t be afraid.
Everyone had such great advice. But no one told her how to do the things she needed to do. No one told her how to be brave enough to push past her fears. No one told her how to explain things to Adam, or how to get him to understand where she was coming from.
Probably because you don’t even know where you are or where you’re coming from.
Janey sighed as Jess bounded up the stairs and back into the house. “Jess.”
He didn’t look at her or speak to her, but simply walked past, collected another stack of sweet bread, and went into his room.
The sound of his bedroom door clicking closed felt so final to Janey, and her chest tightened until she could barely breathe. Since she didn’t know how to ease the tension or make things right, she got her own stack of sugary bread and went back to the TV.
“I swear I used to be a size six,” Janey grumbled, thinking of all that coconut lime bread she’d eaten this past week. But the size-six bridesmaid dress would decidedly not zip up. The shade of pale pink played nicely with her dark hair, but she definitely needed a bigger size.
She opened the dressing room door to find Moira standing right there. “Need a different size?”
“Eight, at least,” Janey said, wondering how the other women were faring. She hadn’t stepped foot in any of the shops on Wedding Row in years. Thankfully, the same anxieties she’d been entertaining since Adam’s departure from her life hadn’t reared their ugly heads yet today. She’d survived brunch with Gretchen and four more of her friends. Then they’d walked down the street, ogling the window displays in every shop though none of the rest of them were engaged.
Flowers, photographers, videographers, shoe stores, jewelers, photo booth rentals, party supply stores, two salons, a men’s wear store and now the dress shop. Gretchen had scheduled an appointment, and each woman had her own attendant.
Moira returned carrying two pink dresses as well as something that looked like an oversized gauze wrap. “Let me help you with the shaper,” she said.
Janey didn’t even know what a shaper was. But she let Moira follow her into the dressing room and help her out of the pale pink dress that reminded Janey of cotton candy.
“You step in here,” she said, holding the gauze open. “And it just shimmies on.” She tugged and sure enough, the shaper slid right over Janey’s hips, stomach, and chest. “It keeps you all straight.”
Moira grinned as she turned to the dresses. “I think the eight will be just fine now. We could try the six again.”
“Eight,” Janey said. No amount of stretchy gauze was going to get that size six dress to zip up. Moira helped her get into the dress, which zipped right up. She even had a little room in it and she smiled at her reflection.
Thoughts of her own wedding flashed through her mind, and the grin on her face flipped upside down.
Her own wedding?
Who was she kidding?
She wasn’t even dating anyone anymore. Her heart tumbled in her chest and tears sprang to her eyes.
“You are beautiful,” Moira said. “It’s okay to get a little teary.”
Janey sniffled and shook her head. “It’s not that.”
“Oh.” Moira busied herself with hanging the size six dress on another hanger.
“Are you married?” Janey asked.
Surprised crossed Moira’s perfectly made up face, and a small, placating smile appeared. “Yes, I am.”
“For how long?”
“Seven years now.” The smile grew, then faltered. “I heard about you and Chief Herrin.”
Janey’s defenses immediately flew into place, though Moira had obviously put two and two together and arrived at the cause of Janey’s tears.
“I’m just so confused by it all,” Janey said, smoothing her hands down her waist and hips.
“What are you confused by?” Moira asked.
Knocking interrupted them. “Let me see, Janey,” Gretchen called.
Janey met Moira’s eyes and quickly made to wipe hers. She nodded when she was satisfied she didn’t look like she’d been a bit teary. Moira opened the door and Janey walked a couple of steps forward before cocking her hip and putting her hand on it.
“How do I look?”
Gretchen gasped and covered her mouth. “So beautiful.”
“How are the other women doing?” Janey asked.
“We’re mostly done. Betty is getting a different size.”
Moira slipped out of the dressing room with the two dresses that weren’t the right size. “Just leave those in the room, Janey,” she said. “I’ll get them.”
“Isn’t this place great?” Gretchen asked as she entered the dressing room to help Janey get the dress off.
“So great,” Janey said.
Gretchen’s fingers stuttered along the zipper. “You’re having fun, right?”
She met her friend’s eyes in the mirror and lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I can’t stop thinking about Adam. That maybe, one day, this would be me, shopping with my bridesmaids.”
Even as she spoke, she realized it wasn’t true. She wouldn’t do what Gretchen was doing for her second wedding. She’d want a simple affair, with just her family there, and his family, and him in his best uniform and her in a pearly dress that wasn’t quite white and wasn’t quite pink, but somewhere in between.
There would be roses everywhere, and Jess would be wearing a tux and she’d dance with him first before dancing with Adam. She sighed, and Gretchen slid the dress off her shoulders and hung it on the hanger.
“You know what that sigh just told me?”
“What?”
“That you’re in love with him.”
Janey slithered out of the body shaper and reached for her jeans, silent.
“I know you are. You know you are. What are you so afraid of?”
Janey pulled her sweater over her head and faced Gretchen. “I had perfect once, and it shattered. I can’t go through that again. So...I think maybe I’m better off if things just stay the way they were. Jess and I are fine.” A laugh came out with the last word. She’d barely spoken to her son since Adam had broken up with her.
“Things aren’t perfect, but we’ve always been happy.”
Why didn’t she feel happy then? Why didn’t she and Jess talk over dinner the way they used to? Why couldn’t she sleep, even when she’d read for hours and eaten herself into a chocolate-chip-pretzel stupor?
Gretchen smoothed her hair off her face. “Oh, honey. A blind man could see you’re not happy.” She flashed a sympathetic smile and stepped out of the dressing room with the pink dress.
“I miss him,” Janey whispered to herself. “I miss him so much.”
And she didn’t mean Matt.
The Monday before Gretchen and Drew’s wedding, Janey kept Jess home from school. It had been almost six weeks since her last encounter with Adam where they were still dating, and Jess was starting to thaw slightly. Very slightly.
This whole time, she’d been worrying about what he would think of her dating again, and he’d gone and fallen for the man before she had.
“I need your full atten
tion during the fitting,” she said as she drove across town to the men’s wear shop on Wedding Row.
“Didn’t I already do the fitting?”
“Right, yes. The suit should be ready. You just try it on one last time to make sure all the alterations are correct.” She glanced at him, but his focus was on his phone. “And then we’ll go get lunch.”
“Can we take some to Adam?” Jess glanced up and out of the corner of his eye.
Janey sighed. He’d been doing that a lot more lately. Sneaking in a question about Adam, or trying to get her and Adam in the same room together.
“Jess,” she said, unsure of how to continue.
“Why can’t you just get back together with him? He’s miserable without you, Mom.”
Janey looked out her window, her heart ricocheting around inside her chest. Jess had not said one single word about Adam. Not one. In all these weeks.
“His birthday is coming up,” Jess said. “I’ll do extra chores to earn more money. I want to get him something.”
Janey looked at her son, at the determined lift of his chin. “That’s fine.”
“And I want to spend the day with him. He shouldn’t be alone on his birthday.”
“Jess—”
“You could come too. I know! Let’s make him his favorite dinner and a birthday cake.”
“Oh, bud, I don’t even know what his favorite dinner is.”
“I do. Ribeye and macaroni and cheese. Not the boxed kind. The homemade kind. I made it a couple of weeks ago.” He sat up straighter. “I can make it again. Please, Mom?”
She pulled into the parking lot and swung the ancient Jeep into a stall. She met her son’s eye, and she couldn’t deny him.
“I know you’re in love with him,” Jess said, his voice quiet yet powerful. “And it’s okay. I asked him if he wanted to be my dad, and he said yes.”
Janey’s breath froze in her lungs.
Jess swiped at his eyes. “Even though Dixie told me not to, I’ve been wishing for you and him to get back together. Every time I go out to the lavender farm.” He turned away from her and sniffed, wiping at his face again. “I’m so stupid.”
“You are not.” Hesitantly, she reached out and touched his shoulder. “You asked him if he wanted to be your dad?”
“A long time ago, before you guys even broke up.” Another sniff. He didn’t twitch a muscle toward her.
Janey stared out the front windshield, so deep inside her mind she couldn’t see a way out. She loved Adam. Gretchen was right. She wasn’t happy, and she just wanted to be happy. She wanted her son to be happy, and he spent more time with Adam than with her.
“Can you keep a secret?” she asked, an idea occurring to her.
Jess shifted halfway toward her. “Sometimes.” He shrugged. “I’m actually not that great at it.”
She swallowed, and pushed away all her thoughts, all her fears. “I love him,” she said, tears springing to her eyes.
Jess searched her face, a light of hope shining in his eyes she hadn’t seen in a while. “Yeah? And?”
“So I have an idea...but you have to keep it a secret.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Adam showed up at the Magleby Mansion several hours before the wedding was set to happen. Drew had asked him to come help him get ready and then keep him company during the formal photography session.
He got out of his cruiser with only a hint of pain from the break in his lower leg, and the beach just down the lawn called to him, begged him to come run along the shore. Just for a few minutes. The cast had come off last week, and Adam had celebrated with ice cream and homemade brownies. Well, Jess had made the brownies.
Gretchen would be happy about today’s sunshine, even if it was weak and barely lent any warmth to the air. He turned away from the glorious water and faced the Mansion. This wouldn’t be a terribly big wedding, but Janey would be here. Adam was hoping to avoid her, but as the best man and with her as the matron of honor, Drew had told him he’d have to be in at least one picture with her.
Maybe one with just the two of them.
His stomach warred with his other internal organs. He’d rather be anywhere but here, but his brother needed him, so in he went.
The Mansion had been transformed from a beautiful, old building into a Christmas spectacular. Wreaths hung from every arch and a Christmas tree no shorter than fifteen feet loomed before him. The steps curving up and to the left bore pine boughs and poinsettias, and Adam stopped and took it all in.
No wonder Gretchen wanted to get married here. It was magical. Even the functional items, like tables and chairs, held an elegance that demanded people stop and breathe it all in before they continued.
“Chief Herrin.”
He turned toward the weathered voice to find Mabel standing a few arches down. She wore a frown of disapproval, but Adam had dealt with her differing opinions before.
“Mabel.” He moved toward her and shook her hand. “This place looks great.”
“Of course it does,” she said. “We’re having a wedding today.”
“Right. Do you know where Drew is?”
“The groom’s room is upstairs,” she said. “He got here about five minutes ago.”
“Thanks.” Adam turned to go, but Mabel’s veined hand shot out and grabbed his arm. She was surprisingly strong for an elderly woman, and he looked down at her. “Something I can help you with?”
“She’ll come around.”
He frowned at her. “Who?”
“Oh, you know who, you brute.” She released his hand and turned to go back through the arch, which led into the kitchen. “She loves you, and when she figures it out, she’ll come back to you.” She stepped through the door, leaving him with those words.
He wanted to believe Janey loved him, but all the evidence pointed to the contrary. Doesn’t matter, he told himself. If she ever came back to him, ready to throw the ball back to his court, he’d take it. He wasn’t sure if that made him romantic or pathetic.
He found the groom’s room on the second floor easily, and he knocked as he pushed open the door. His garment bag was starting to get heavy, and relief spread through his shoulder and bicep when he was able to hang it on a clothing rack just inside the door.
“Hey.” Drew stood at the window, gazing out the glass. Adam joined him to take in the spectacular view spread before him. Though the gardens weren’t as green and full as they would be in the spring and summer, the winter version was still beautiful. And the beach beyond was stunning, calming Adam’s heart and reminding him that he was as steady and predictable as the waves that washed ashore day and night.
“You ready for this?” he asked as a sleek silver sedan turned from the highway to come up the drive to the Mansion.
“Yeah.” Drew didn’t carry an ounce of hesitation or resistance in his voice. He’d come a long way in establishing who he was and what he wanted out of life since leaving Hawthorne Harbor years ago, being disappointed in Seattle, and returning to town.
Adam was the one who’d always known what he wanted to be. He’d gone to school, gotten trainings, everything he could to enhance his career. Drew had too, getting several certifications as a paramedic, and then becoming a firefighter too. Neither was particularly easy, but neither had been a perfect fit for him.
Funny that lavender farming was the perfect fit for him. And now with Gretchen and Daisy, a measure of jealousy tickled the back of Adam’s throat as he realized Drew was about to get everything Adam had always wanted.
Different woman. Different kid. But still. Adam could become the director of the FBI and it wouldn’t be enough if he didn’t have Janey and Jess. In fact, nothing really compared to having them in his life. He didn’t need anything but them.
The urge to leave the Mansion and find Janey, talk to her, make her understand, filtered through him until he thought he’d go mad. But Dixie had said it was best to wish for things he could control, and he absolutely couldn’t control Jane
y.
So he got himself dressed, and helped Drew with his bowtie and cufflinks, and looked into his brother’s eyes.
“I wish Dad were here,” Drew said, his voice almost a whisper.
Adam smiled, but it felt pinched on his face. Sometimes he didn’t think about his father for weeks at a time. And other times, it was like he was constantly present in everything Adam did. “I know.”
Someone knocked and called, “Mister Herrin? It’s Alicia Bagley, the photographer.”
Adam held Drews’ gaze for one more moment before turning to get the door. The photographer swept into the room and scanned everything.
“Right over here, please,” she said, indicating a spot in front of the window. “We’ll get some shots of you as if you’re getting ready, and then we’ll go outside. Gretchen is almost ready, but you need to be in place first for the first look.”
“First look?” Adam asked as her assistant lifted a flash above her head.
“I haven’t seen Gretchen’s dress,” Drew explained.
“Okay, so yeah,” Alicia said, clearly perturbed by the explanation and interruption. “Put your hands on your bow tie, like you’re adjusting it...good...look down to your right...good....” The camera went click, click, click. Alicia made him pretend to tie his shoes, do up his belt, all of it. Adam had a hard time believing they’d paid money for someone to do this, but he stood silently to the side, as instructed.
“Done,” Alicia finally announced. “Let’s go outside. Tara, you take them both. I’ll go check on Gretchen.”
Tara led the way outside, and Adam was thankful for his jacket once they hit the gardens. He followed instructions, kept his brother company, smiled when Drew finally got to turn and see his bride in her wedding gown.
Each event, each minute was captured on camera—and brought Adam closer to when he’d have to see Janey.
She came out with a handful of other women, all of them wearing pale pink bridesmaid dresses. She wore pearls around her neck and diamonds in her ears, and her hair swept up on top of her head like a princess.