Like father, like daughter. We both seem to want to do everything we can to ignore our problems for a little while longer.
Leaning over and giving my dad a kiss on the cheek, I move away from the table and walk through the sand towards Brooke, hoping she can help me come up with a plan for getting Declan to join us.
Much to my surprise, when I spoke to Brooke after breakfast I found out she’d already formulated a plan without me and had Ben put it in motion. They scheduled a whole bunch of excursions for us on St. Croix and when Ben told the captain, he readily agreed to let Declan come with us.
While my dad took Allyson and Arianna shopping, the four of us spent the day doing everything St. Croix had to offer. Ben and Brooke smartly picked all the things the other two women would never want to do, just in case they decided to join us. We went to Rainbow Beach and snorkeled, we kayaked through Salt River National Park, hiked through Annaly Bay to the Carambola Tide Pools, then finished off our exploration of the island by stopping at the Divi Carina Bay Resort. The only resort on the island with a casino, where I happily proved to everyone just how good I am at blackjack by kicking Brooke’s ass every hand we played at the five-dollar table, while Ben and Declan stood behind our chairs and cheered me on.
After winning enough money and Brooke finally admitting defeat, she declared dinner was on me. Using his connections on the island, Declan spoke to the resort owner and got us two rooms to use for an hour where we could all shower and get ready for dinner. Since Brooke started planning for the day before we left the ship for breakfast, she packed both of us a backpack with an extra change of clothes so we didn’t have to waste time going back to the ship for anything, Declan and Ben did the same after they cleaned up from breakfast and took everything back to the ship.
After our non-stop fun, but exhausting day around the island, I was happy to see Brooke packed something casual for me to wear and didn’t require too much time getting ready. In my favorite pair of short, worn, but cute jean shorts and a teal, form-fitting t-shirt with a wide neck that hung off of one shoulder, I let my hair air dry into long, soft waves. We met the guys in the lobby where they’d already decided on the best place for dinner.
Brooke slipped her arm through the crook of Ben’s elbow and they led the way, Declan taking my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine like it was the most natural thing in the world as we followed behind them.
Now, with my stomach full of the best seafood I’ve ever eaten and nursing my third beer, Declan and I sit side-by-side on the deck of Rhythms Bar and Restaurant, our backs resting against the picnic table behind us, my feet propped up on the railing in front of us. We stare out at the ocean stretched out in front of us, listening to the faded sounds of the live band playing down on the beach under a canopy a few hundred yards away, both of us laughing when we spot our friends amongst the crowd of people. They’re lost in their own world dancing to the music together, neither one of them having any sort of coordination or grace as they flail their arms and whip their heads around like lunatics to that “If You Like Piña Coladas” song.
“This was fun. I needed this today,” I tell Declan softly, bringing my Corona up to my mouth and taking a sip as I bump my shoulder against his.
Slipping off his flip-flips next to my own that I abandoned as soon as we turned around on the bench seat a little while ago, he props his legs up on the railing next to mine. His thigh brushes against mine when he crosses his legs at the ankles, and I try not to shiver when he transfers his beer to his right hand, swinging his left arm around to rest on the table behind me, his fingers absently playing with a strand of my hair.
When he showered back at the resort, he changed out of his ship uniform, donning a clean pair of slate gray cargo shorts, pairing it with another one of his soft, faded t-shirts, this one white with the Helios logo in gray across the wide expanse of his chest. I can still smell the hotel soap on his skin from his shower, and I can’t take my eyes off of the muscles in his neck and the bobbing of his Adam’s apple as I watch him take a sip of his beer before turning his head to look at me.
“Brooke mentioned you’ve had a lot on your plate lately the other day when she was handing my ass to me. Everything okay?” Declan asks softly, his gorgeous green eyes filled with concern as they study me.
“No. But it will be. I hope…” I reply, trailing off, wondering what it is about this man that makes me want to spill all of my secrets and tell him everything.
“Let’s just say it’s been a rough year,” I continue with a sigh, knowing I’m supposed to be keeping things between us light and easy and not unloading all of my problems on him.
I know today wasn’t a date. I know technically he and Ben had to accompany Brooke and me all around the island because it’s their job, but I couldn’t stop myself from pretending that it was more, just for a little while. I know the two of us have no future, and once I leave the Helios I’ll never see him again. Maybe opening up to him makes me a fool, but it’s impossible not to share a part of myself with him when the look on his face says he cares, even if I’m imagining it.
“To say I wasn’t happy about my father’s choice to remarry is an understatement,” I admit. “It’s not that I expected him to be alone forever, I just thought he’d make a better choice. Things have just gone downhill since then. He doesn’t have a lot of time for me, and he’s been ignoring problems that have been staring him in the face for months. I’m not really looking forward to going back home, where reality is going to crash in like a bull in a China shop, and he won’t be able to ignore things anymore. At work or at home.”
“You work for your dad, right?” he asks.
I wait for him to make a snarky comment about how nice it must be to have a cushy job at my father’s company, or how easy it must have been to get the job since I’m related to the owner, but it never comes. I almost wish he would say something to piss me off, something judgmental and rude. It would make it easier for me to shut my mouth and not share personal things with him. It would make it easier for me to remember this is a vacation fling and not something more.
“Yes. I started working for him right out of college.”
Declan pulls his arm back from around my shoulders, brushing my hair out of the way to wrap his hand around the back of my neck, massaging it gently. His hand is warm and his fingers are magical as they work to ease the tension from my body, turning me into a pile of mush until I feel my shoulders droop and I lean into his side.
“You don’t sound very happy about that,” he replies.
I turn away from the concerned, imploring look on his face to look back out at the ocean and shrug.
“It’s not exactly what I wanted out of life. I never planned on going to work for him, and I never thought I’d find myself stuck there almost five years later,” I tell him, wishing I didn’t sound so sorry for myself.
It’s my own fault I’m in this situation. Even though it was initially my father’s plea that I don’t leave him or the city in search of what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, it was still my choice.
“So, what do you want out of life?” Declan asks, grabbing my now-empty bottle of beer from my hand and trading it for a new one our waitress just brought over.
“Honestly? I have no clue,” I tell him with a humorless laugh. “I majored in graphic design and photography, with a minor in business management. I love being creative and artistic, and I guess I get to do that working for my father in the graphic design department, but designing websites and brochures wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. Sitting behind a desk all day in an office building, doing all my work on a computer is as boring and mindless as it sounds. It doesn’t make me happy, and lately, it’s given me zero free time to have a life.”
We both take a drink of our fresh beers as Declan continues to massage the back of my neck.
“I think it’s rare for people to know what they want to do right out of college, so don’t beat yourself up over it. It took
me a lot of years, working a lot of miserable jobs before I figured things out,” he explains. “I have a younger sister that I needed to help take care of after our parents died. I did what I had to do to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads until she became an adult, got her own life, and told me she didn’t need me to take care of her anymore.”
A wave of sadness washes over me hearing Declan say he lost both of his parents, and I can’t help looking at him with newfound awe and respect knowing he took care of his sister after they were gone.
“I still take care of her, sending money home to her whenever I can, which pisses her off to no end,” he says with a chuckle. “But once I stopped having that weight on my shoulders, I started figuring out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I got my first job working on a yacht four years ago, and the rest is history.”
Hearing him talk so easily about himself and learning these new things about him is not helping me remember this is just a vacation fling and we’re supposed to be keeping things light and easy. I want to know more. I want to know everything. I want to ask him all about his past, and I want to know all about his plans for the future. It makes my heart beat faster and my hand shake around the sweating bottle of beer I hold tightly in my grasp. I bring the bottle up to my mouth and drink to avoid asking questions.
“That’s all you need to do,” he says, looking out at the water with a shrug. “Find what makes you happy and get the life you deserve. Find a guy to settle down with, pop out two-point-five kids and live happily ever after.”
His words make my chest tighten and tears start to tickle the back of my eyes, but they’re just the reminder I need that I have to stop pretending this is more than what it is. We might have spent a perfect day together like a normal couple, and we’ve shared a few personal things with each other, but this isn’t going to turn into anything serious. We’re not a normal couple. We’re a vacation fling, period. His life is on a boat traveling the world, taking care of his sister when he can, and mine is back in New York, trying to save my father and his company from ruin, far away from the peaceful tranquility of the Caribbean.
“What about you?” I ask, finally finding my voice and clearing my throat to keep the quiver of sadness out of it. “Now that you’ve discovered you’re a rule-breaker, and you seem to excel at it, what are you going to do to be happy and have a life?”
He smiles down at me at the mention of him breaking the rules and my heart gets caught in my throat thinking of how much I’m going to miss that smile when I no longer have it shining down on me.
“I have a life. It’s working on a yacht. I don’t have time for anything else and it makes me happy enough, although, it was definitely fun breaking the rules with you for a little while,” he tells me with an easy wink, dropping his arm from the back of my neck and looking away from me to give Ben and Brooke a wave as they walk over to the stairs of the deck and make their way up to us.
I paste a smile on my face when they join us at the table, ordering another round of drinks while they try to convince us to go back down to the beach with them to dance until it’s time to head back to the ship.
After our drinks come, Declan takes my hand and pulls me down to the beach with Brooke and Ben. He wraps one arm around me, holding his beer bottle in his free hand, and we sway to the music. I remind myself to stop being an idiot and get my head back on straight. I need to get things back to the way they’re supposed to be.
This thing with Declan needs to stay light and fun and a way to distract myself from my problems, not make new ones that I’ll never be able to fix.
CHAPTER 19
Declan
Resting my arms across the ledge of the Jacuzzi, I sigh in relief as I tip my head back and close my eyes, letting the hot water ease my tired muscles. After a day spent traipsing all over the island, then busting my ass around the ship doing things Eddie didn’t have time to do, I’m exhausted and worn out.
Not only is my body screaming in protest, my head is shouting even louder. I can’t remember the last time I’d been on a date, and I definitely never remembered having as much of a good time as I did today with Mackenzie. Just like always, watching her enjoy herself made me forget it wouldn’t always be like this; she wouldn’t always be here to remind me to have fun and relax. I forgot about the future and her place in my life and opened up to her about my sister and the loss of my parents, something I’ve only ever done with Ben.
I liked that she did the same and told me things about herself, even though I could tell she was holding back and not telling me everything. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything about her and it scared the shit out of me. So much so, I made that stupid comment about her finding a guy to settle down with. Just saying those words made my chest hurt like someone took a sledgehammer to it. After only a week with Mackenzie, it made me sick to my stomach thinking about her with anyone else but me, and that’s not something I have any business feeling for a woman who has a life so far removed from my own.
Regardless of whatever problems she has, I realize I’d do anything to fix them, but I know I can’t. Even though her dad extended their vacation by a few days and I have more time with her, I can’t afford to get any more attached than I already am. We live in different worlds, and I need to remember that. Just because I feel bad she’s working a job that doesn’t make her happy, she still has a shit-ton of luxuries and opportunities right at her fingertips. She still has a father with more money than God and can get rid of whatever problem she has with the snap of her finger. It doesn’t matter that I feel like I know her well enough to know she’d never do something like that, it’s the fact that she still can. No matter what kind of similarities we have or the connection we share, we still live polar opposite lives. Daydreaming like a pussy about how I could possibly fit into her world, or explore whatever this is between us, after the ship docks back in St. Thomas is pointless.
I know I need to remember all of the things Captain Michael said to me, and I know that in order to be a good captain I need to let go and have a life. I just need to remember that after this trip is over, the life I have and the things I do to relax won’t include Mackenzie.
It doesn’t help that after getting back to the ship, I had to listen to Ben make all these plans with Brooke for when we leave them in St. Thomas. The man who vowed to never settle down and was perfectly content hopping from one bed to the next, is now talking about flying out to New York to visit Brooke and looking at the calendar on his phone to see when the best times to have her come visit him in Florida would be. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help it. Mackenzie might have opened up to me today and crossed yet another line we promised not to by doing that, but I find myself wondering why she hasn’t said anything about the two of us still keeping in touch. And I’m pissed at myself for wondering why she hasn’t said anything, when I just got done reminding myself all the reasons why we can’t.
I’ve never been so tied up and twisted over anyone before. It’s making me question my own sanity. How in the hell have I become so addicted to a woman I just met? What is it about her that makes me feel like I’m losing my mind?
Obviously, Ben and Brooke are able to find a way to make things work and I need to just be happy for them. Brooke told me her mother is a kindergarten teacher and her dad works in a factory. Ben’s parents both work at a hotel in Florida, his mother as a maid and his father in maintenance. They come from the same background and from the same world. They have more in common than just the loss of parents and a need to find what makes them happy in life. It doesn’t matter that it was a lie I when I told Mackenzie yachting makes me happy and it’s all I need in life. It doesn’t matter I had to stop myself from telling her this past week with her made me happier than yachting has ever made me, and I suddenly want more out of life than traveling the world catering to the rich and famous and going to bed every night alone.
“Is this seat taken?”
As if thinking
about the woman made her magically appear, I push back all of my thoughts and worry about right here and right now, instead of what will happen a few days from now.
“I reserved it just for you,” I tell Mackenzie with an easy smile, my dick swelling in my swim trunks as I watch her ease her body into the hot water next to me, reminding me this is all we have. Just sex. Just a couple of days of having fun before we both move on with our lives, even though I’m lying to myself all over again by thinking that.
Instead of the blue bikini she usually wears, she’s traded it for a red one that’s held together with ties on either side of her hips and behind her neck. Her nipples are hard beneath the flimsy material as she sinks down into the water, and I want to do nothing more than untie the strings at the back of her neck and expose her breasts, seeing what they’d look like dripping with water.
“I got a text from my dad a little bit ago that he’s staying with Allyson and Arianna at a resort on the island for the night, and Brooke and Ben just kicked me out of our room,” she tells me, moving through the water to straddle me, her knees resting on the seat on either side of my thighs.
She runs a wet hand through my hair, her nails lightly scraping against my scalp as she repeats the motion over and over, and I stare up at her face in the soft glow of the lights embedded in the wood around the ledge of the Jacuzzi.