“She doesn’t,” I cut him off, reaching down to grab the bucket and walk away from him. “Can we stop talking about this now?”
Ben runs to catch up with me and follows behind me as I move inside the ship and downstairs to the galley, sticking the bucket in the sink to rinse it out.
“I’m just saying, a little talking goes a long way. Women like it when you open up to them and share shit with them. Stop being so damn closed off and maybe she’ll change her mind.”
Turning off the water in the sink, I glare at him.
“Since when did you become a fucking love doctor?” I ask.
“I know, right? It’s making me a little uncomfortable right now, but I can’t help it. Brooke makes me happy, and I want everyone to be happy. Even your sorry ass,” Ben laughs.
“Stop being a dumb little shit,” Marcel says in accented English, making Ben and I both jump when he suddenly appears behind us in the galley.
“You speak English?” Ben asks in astonishment.
“You’re both dumb little shits, but you’re the dumbest,” Marcel tells me, jabbing a finger into my chest. “You like her, she likes you, stop being—”
“A dumb little shit, I got it,” I interrupt, smacking his finger away from me.
“She’s not like other women we see on this ship. She’s kind and she’s funny and she doesn’t flash her money all over the place. And for some reason, she’s decided to set her sights on you. Maybe she feels the same, maybe she doesn’t. You won’t know unless you try. Pull your head out of your dumb shit ass and give her a reason to feel the same,” Marcel finishes, turning his back on me to start chopping vegetables on the island in the middle of the room.
Taking Marcel’s words to heart since it’s the most he’s ever said to me in four years, and there must be a reason he said them to me instead of just shouting at me in French, Ben and I leave the galley and head down the hall to our bunks.
“You’re going to give her a reason, aren’t you?” Ben asks as he pauses in front of his door and looks over at me.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do, but I should probably at least get the apology part over with first,” I tell him with a shrug.
“Excellent plan. You can’t exactly convince a woman to fall in love with you if she wants to slit your throat. Good luck with that,” Ben says, saluting me before disappearing into his room.
Standing in the doorway of the wheelhouse, I take a minute to stare silently at Mackenzie before she knows I’m here. After dinner, when the captain went to his room to rest, I had Ben tell Mackenzie that Captain Michael wanted to talk to her up here. I knew she’d never agree to come up here if she knew I was the one who wanted to talk to her.
I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing, but watching her with her hands resting on the counter in front of her, staring out at the water with nothing but the glow of the control board lights on her face, makes me want to say whatever it takes to get her to change her mind about this thing between us.
She’s still wearing a casual, floral print sundress that she must have had on for dinner. Her hair falls around her shoulders in thick, loose curls. The dress ties up around her neck, leaving her back completely bare, and the short skirt shows off her gorgeous long legs. She’s absolutely stunning, and I can’t take my eyes off of her. I want to get down on my knees and beg her to stay, but I know I can’t do that. What I can do, is give her a little more of myself, let her see who I really am, and hope that it’s enough to make her want more.
“I’m sorry.”
Her eyes close and her head drops down in front of her when I speak, but she doesn’t turn around.
Walking further into the room, I want to move next to her, but I know she’ll likely punch me if I do that right now. Instead, I move to stand behind the ship wheel in the center of the room, resting my hands on top of the cold, shiny metal as I stare at the back of her head.
“I seem to always be apologizing to you,” I mutter, which finally brings her head up.
She quickly turns around to face me, crossing her arms in front of her.
“You wouldn’t always have to apologize to me if you didn’t do stupid shit in the first place,” she fires back, making a smile tug at the corner of my mouth.
I clutch onto two of the wheel handles harder to stop myself from moving out from behind it and wrapping my arms around her. I want to drag my palms down the soft skin of her back, and I want to bury my nose in the side of her neck and breathe in her coconut smell.
“You’re right. I was wrong. And I’m sorry. Again.”
I watch her fight with her own smile until she rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me.
“I really need to get that on a t-shirt.”
We continue staring at each other in the dimly lit room until she finally sighs and breaks the silence.
“I’m on the pill and I’m clean, for your information. But you would have known these things last night if you hadn’t stormed off like a child,” she admonishes me.
“I’m clean too, in case you were worried about that. You’re the only woman who’s ever made me lose my mind so much that I forgot to protect her,” I admit.
“Good to know there won’t be anything screwing up our lives from this vacation fling,” she says sarcastically, throwing my words from last night right back at me and making me feel like an even bigger asshole.
My palms start to sweat around the wheel handles when I realize she stressed the word “vacation fling,” and it suddenly hits me how angry she is with me. And not just because I said something stupid and uncalled for last night, but because of what I said. I could see the hurt written all over her face when she said the words “vacation fling,” and it’s still there, shining brightly in her eyes with unshed tears that she quickly tries to blink away.
Have I missed what was staring me right in the face this entire time? I got angry when I heard the words she said in the Jacuzzi last night when maybe I should have been paying more attention to her. The way she looked at me and the way she trusted me with her body and small pieces of her life she shared with me. I’ve been holding back from her because I thought she didn’t feel the same, when I should have been pushing forward, opening up and telling her everything.
“Did you know the wheels on ships nowadays are just here for show? They aren’t used to actually steer it or anything,” I tell her softly, easing my way into opening up to her.
She pushes away from the control panel and closes the distance between us, resting her hands in between mine on opposite spokes of the wheel.
“That seems kind of sad. I like the idea of picturing a captain standing in his uniform behind the wheel of a ship. It’s much more romantic that way. Like Titanic, but not so horrifying and tragic.”
I laugh, rocking the wheel slightly while her hands continue holding on.
“I mean, it’s still fully functional, but the captain only uses it in case of an emergency and the computer system shuts down. So, if we have a massive power failure, you’ll still get your romance, minus the tragedy,” I tell her.
Our eyes stay locked together as I keep gently moving the wheel from one side to the other.
“You look good standing there behind the wheel,” she tells me quietly.
I swallow thickly, taking the opportunity she’s giving me, but nervous as hell about what she’ll say or think. Her opinion suddenly matters to me more than anyone else in the world. I want to be good enough for her. I want her to see that I want more out of life than cleaning up other people’s messes.
“This is all I’ve ever wanted. To be a captain,” I admit quietly, looking away from her to stare down at our hands in case I see something on her face that makes me lose my nerve. “That’s why I was so shitty with you when we first met and why I didn’t want to cross the line with you. I was afraid of losing my job and losing my opportunity to make my dream come true. I’ve been studying for my captain’s exam for years, putting my personal life on
hold and working my ass off, and I’m finally ready to take the test once this charter season is over.”
She grabs on tighter to the wheel, forcing me to stop moving it and look up at her.
“I think you’ll make an amazing captain,” she tells me with a smile and a cock of her head. “You’re smart, and you’re incredibly anal when it comes to organization and following rules. Sometimes.”
She raises one eyebrow as she looks pointedly at me, and I can’t help but laugh as she continues.
“Everyone on this boat respects you. I see it every time you talk to them, or every time they come to you with a question or need advice. They look up to you. You’re going to pass that test with flying colors and be the best captain in the world.”
Mackenzie doesn’t even question what I’ve told her. She doesn’t tell me it will be hard and she doesn’t tell me it’s crazy. She immediately believes in me, and it makes me feel like I can do anything, as long as she keeps looking at me the way she is right now. Like nothing makes her happier than the fact that I’ve just shared the biggest part of myself with her.
“I’m jealous you know exactly what you want out of life, when I don’t have a clue,” she tells me.
“I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I had one plan, one dream I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of. I never thought I’d stray from it. I never thought anything would make me want to stray from it,” I admit. “You make me want to break all the rules, Mackenzie. You make me want to change all of my plans.”
I watch her mouth drop open with a small gasp, but I keep going.
“Life is crazy as hell. Right when you think you have things all figured out, a storm comes along and throws you off course. You’ll figure out what you want and you’ll make it happen, because you’re smart and strong and fierce.”
I finally let go of the wheel and move around it to stand in front of her, needing to touch her so badly it hurts. Cupping her face in my hands, I tilt it up so I can see her eyes and watch them fill again with tears.
“What are we doing?” she whispers. “This is supposed to be light and easy and fun. We’re not supposed to be talking about hopes and dreams.”
Leaning my forehead against hers, I rub my thumbs back and forth across the smooth skin of her cheeks.
“We can still keep it light and easy and fun, if that’s what’s you want.”
I hold my breath as she moves her body closer to mine, resting her hands on my hips.
“There are things going on in my life back home. Things I can’t—”
I cut off her words with a soft kiss. Just a touch of my lips to hers, holding them there and savoring their warmth and fullness before pulling my head back to look at her.
“We still have a few days to figure things out. If light and easy is what you want, that’s fine with me. For now.”
She smiles up at me and I slide my hands down over the sides of her neck, her shoulders and her arms, before sliding them around her waist and pulling her against me, feeling a little more hopeful than I did when I first walked in here. I can tell she’s still holding back. There’s something she wants to tell me, but she’s scared and not ready yet. I can work with that. I can wait until she’s ready.
“You know, I’ve been slacking with my studies lately. I could really use a study partner,” I tell her.
She pushes up on her toes and gives me a quick kiss.
“I’m an excellent study partner. How about you go get your books and meet me in my room. I might be able to come up with a few incentives to help,” she tells me with a wink.
The tension is gone from Mackenzie’s face as she teases me, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the room. I’ll let her keep things light and easy for now, give her more of myself in the process, and show her she can trust me.
She can trust us and whatever is happening between us.
CHAPTER 22
Mackenzie
Declan’s words from last night have been playing in my head ever since we parted in the middle of the night. As soon as he said them to me, I knew there was no way my heart would survive this. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling, everything going on in my life, but something held me back. The ticking of the clock winding down our time together stopped me from telling him I didn’t want to ever leave this boat, or him. Knowing I make him want to change his plans and everything he’s worked so hard for scares the hell out of me.
I wanted to be here when he took his exam, and I wanted to be the first one to congratulate him when he passed. I wanted to watch him standing behind the wheel of a ship in his captain’s uniform, humoring me by pretending to steer it.
Instead of telling him all of these things, I showed him the only way I could. I kept things light and easy, even though I wanted nothing more than to make them heavy and difficult. My heart soared when he told me I made him want to change his plans, but that’s exactly why I had to keep things simple. There’s no way I would do anything to prevent him from making his dreams come true. He had his whole life figured out, and mine was a mess. I couldn’t bring him down with me when he had everything he’d ever wanted right within his grasp.
After we left the wheelhouse, I made him go back to his room and grab whatever study materials he had, meeting me back in my room where we kicked out Brooke and Ben. We sat in the middle of my bed and I fired off questions, keeping with the whole light and easy theme by telling him I’d take off an item of clothing for each one he got right.
Since I only had on a dress, a bra, and underwear, and he clearly knew all of the material forwards and backwards, it only took three seconds for me to be completely naked. He played along with my plan, not bringing up anything heavy between us. I upped the ante as I sat in front of him not wearing a stitch of clothing. He seemed to be quite pleased with himself, unable to wipe the smirk from his face.
For every question he got right, he had to do whatever I asked. It started out simple with a few kisses, making him remove all of his clothes, and a quick back massage while I laid on my stomach and he straddled my body as I searched through the pile of books trying to find the hardest questions I could. It didn’t matter. He got every single question right.
I quickly realized it was to my benefit that he answered them correctly. I was so worked up sitting across from him and only having his hands on me every couple of seconds in between questions that I finished off our study session by asking him, “What’s the name of that thing you drop to keep a boat in place?”
He grabbed my ankles and yanked me closer to him on the bed, got up on his knees and muttered “Anchor. No more questions,” before giving me my reward and putting his head between my thighs.
It was fun and it was easy and it was exactly what I thought I needed until the sun came crashing through my window this morning and I realized I was one day closer to saying good-bye to him.
I wanted to get up and find him and tell him all of my problems with my father and his company. Unload everything on him so I didn’t have to carry it around inside me eating away at me. I wanted to make him understand why I’m holding back and not giving him everything.
This is exactly why I pull the covers up tighter around me and burrow deeper into them. I know after the things he told me last night that he’d want to help me. He’d put his life on hold. He’d change his plans so completely for me, forgetting about everything he’d worked so hard to achieve, and I couldn’t let him do that.
I hear a soft knock on my door and mumble to Brooke to answer it since I’m sure it’s Ben sneaking down here to get a little morning action. When she doesn’t reply, I pull the covers off my head and see that her bed is empty.
Flinging the covers the rest of the way off, I get out of bed and quickly throw a short, silk robe over my tank top and shorts before answering the door.
“We need to talk.”
My dad brushes past me into the room, not making eye contact as he enters. I close the door and turn to find him pacing bac
k and forth at the foot of my bed.
“Dad, what’s—”
“How could you keep this from me?!” He cuts me off with a shout, halting his pacing to throw his hands in the air, staring at me with a mix of anger and irritation.
He’s never looked at me like this before, and a flutter of nerves ricochet around in my stomach as I stand completely still by the door, unable to move.
“I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was just the usual stress at work and you having a hard time with me getting remarried and not getting along with Allyson and Arianna,” he tells me with a huff of annoyance. “That’s why I went along with this vacation idea of Allyson’s. She thought it would be a good way for everyone to bond and relax.”
He starts pacing again, running his hand through his hair until the neatly styled, salt and pepper strands are sticking up all over the place, and still, all I can do is stand here staring at him. I’ve been worrying myself sick about how I was going to tell my dad what I’d found out, and I should be relieved I don’t have to think about it anymore. I should be happy he somehow found out on his own, but I’m not. All of the worry, all of the stress, all of the sadness I’ve been feeling, it’s written all over my dad’s face right now and I feel horrible.
Until he opens his mouth again.
“How could you keep this from me?!” He yells. “All these months you knew, and you didn’t say one word!”
I immediately stop feeling sorry for myself and let my anger take over.
“Are you kidding me right now?!” I shout back, moving across the room until I’m standing right in front of him. “I DID try to tell you. FOR MONTHS. I told you there were numbers that weren’t adding up. I told you to stop avoiding meetings with the accountants. I told you to pay attention, but you didn’t listen! You brushed me off, told me things would work themselves out. Told me I needed to try harder to get along with my stepmother. Yes, I finally got proof a few days into this trip that my suspicions about Allyson were correct, and yes, I decided to let you have your peace for the rest of our vacation until I shared it with you and broke your heart, but don’t you dare stand here and put the blame on me.”