“No touching,” I said, reminding her and admonishing her with one finger.
“Shut up. Go ahead and guess. You’re going to get it wrong.” I wasn’t going to guess what I already knew. This was all about getting her to laugh and feel comfortable with me again.
I rubbed my hands together.
“Your secret hobby is knitting.” She shook her head. “Crocheting?” That earned me an eye-roll.
“What? Those are legitimate hobbies.”
“You’re making me sound like an old lady.” I pretended to act offended.
“I will have you know that knitting is super hip.” She scoffed so I tried again.
“Painting? Collages? Graffiti?” She shot them all down and I tried some that were more outrageous.
“Grand theft auto? Robbing banks? Ziplining? Making sculptures out of other people’s garbage?” She was finally laughing and it was such a wonderful sound. I needed it in my life like I needed to be able to breathe. Ingrid had become essential to my own happiness and I didn’t think there would be a time when she wasn’t, even after everything came out. She definitely wasn’t going to want me after that. So I was going to enjoy my time with her, however long it would be, so I could tuck these moments away in my mind, like pictures in a scrapbook.
“You’re wrong, wrong, wrong. But the effort is very cute.” She was complimenting me quite a bit today and it was really nice. It made me feel like I was a thousand feet tall and that I could leap buildings and punch through walls and shit. There was nothing like a compliment from Ingrid to make me feel fucking amazing.
I kept guessing and making her laugh as we headed in a roundabout way across the entire campus.
“I guess I give up,” I said, throwing my hands in the air.
“Because most of your guesses were so far off the mark. Some of them were also very illegal and if I was doing them, I wouldn’t tell you.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief and I wanted to kiss her so much that it was like a punch in the gut. I dug my fingers into my hands instead and shoved them in the pockets of my coat so I didn’t reach out to her. We’d only been friends again for less than an hour and I was already fighting to keep from touching her.
This wasn’t going to be easy.
We went back to my room and hung out for a while and watched Justified.
“Is it weird that I suddenly find myself attracted to Timothy Olyphant?” I said. Ingrid shook her head.
“Not at all. I’d be surprised if you weren’t attracted to him. He’s magic.” I snorted and reached for the box of vegan cookies that sat between us on my bed. We’d made sure to put several feet of distance between us so there was less temptation. Or that was the theory. I still had to fight myself from touching or kissing her. And it didn’t look like I was the only one. I kept catching her looking at me when she thought I wasn’t paying attention. I couldn’t help but be satisfied with that.
We were right in the middle of an episode when Ingrid grabbed the remote and hit Pause on the show.
“Okay, so I’m going to tell you some things and I need you to shut up and not say anything because I don’t think I’ll get it out if you do,” she said all in a rush. I swallowed and nodded. This was it.
“You know that I don’t talk about my family. That I try not to mention anything about them and you know that something happened to them.” I nodded again and clenched my hands together so I didn’t reach out and try to comfort her. She was surprisingly calm, however, as if she’d rehearsed this or thought about what she would say ahead of time. No doubt she had.
“There were four of us. My mom, my dad and my younger sister. My dad was in the foster care system and never tried to find his birth family and my mom was estranged from hers so I didn’t have any aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents. I never minded because I didn’t think I needed anything other than what I had.” She looked off into the distance and I tried not to breathe too loudly so I wouldn’t disturb her.
“And then one day I lost everything.” Her eyes snapped back to mine and the look in them made me want to throw up. I’d never seen so much naked pain in another person. Well, except maybe for my own mother. My stomach heaved and I had to shut my eyes and breathe through my nose.
“Are you okay?” she said, and I felt just the barest brush of her fingers on my arm before she pulled back.
“I think I’m the one that should be asking that,” I said and willed my stomach to settle. I couldn’t get sick in front of her. She’d know something was up and then the entire house of cards I’d built would come crashing down around me before I could explain why I’d built it in the first place.
“When did it happen?” I rasped, even though I knew. I knew the exact date. The exact hour. It was branded in my mind.
“Seven months ago,” she whispered, twisting her fingers together. “Sometimes it feels like it’s been a thousand years and sometimes it feels like seconds ago.”
She gave me a sad smile and I could feel my heart breaking for her. Again. Again and again, like ice cracking.
“I know we’re not supposed to touch, but I’m going to hug you now,” I said, holding my arms out and leaning forward.
She folded herself perfectly into my arms and I buried my face in her hair. With a little sigh she pressed her face into my chest, right above my heart.
With shaking fingers, I stroked her head, my fingers getting tangled in her hair. There was no need for words. Sometimes they cluttered up a moment. This was one of those moments.
I held her for what felt like forever. I would have let it be forever. The two of us, here like this, entwined with one another. The moment broke when the door opened. We sprung apart, as if electrocuted.
“Whoa, my bad. Didn’t mean to interrupt something,” Marty said, putting his hands up in surrender. I’d never seen him embarrassed before. I didn’t think it was possible, but he was definitely looking that way now.
“It’s okay,” I said glancing at Ingrid, whose face was quite red.
“I’ll just… go to the gym and come back never,” Marty stuttered, dropping his backpack and exchanging it for his gym bag.
“It’s okay,” Ingrid finally said, but he just waved and tromped out the door again.
“I didn’t mean to kick him out of his room,” she said and I shrugged.
“He’ll be fine. He’s not here much anyway. I’m pretty sure if he could live at the gym, he would.” Ingrid took a shaky breath and combed her fingers through her hair.
“You haven’t asked what happened to them,” she said.
“I know. I figured you would tell me when you were ready. I’m sorry I was such an asshole about asking you to trust me. It’s not fair of me to want that from you. It’s selfish and I’m really sorry.” She bit her bottom lip and nodded.
“Okay.” With that she picked up the remote and started the show again. Not sure what to do, I turned back to the television and we watched the rest of the episode in silence.
“You can stay if you want,” I said much later, after we’d demolished a vegan pizza and salads.
“No, I should get back,” she said. She seemed on edge and I assumed it was because she’d told me part of her secret.
“Well, at least let me walk you. It’s dangerous to walk around campus alone at night.” Especially for a girl. There were always reports of assaults and almost-assaults in the campus newspaper, despite having cops around.
She couldn’t argue with that logic, so she put her coat on and we headed back toward her building.
“I’m so sorry about your family,” I said. “There’s really nothing I can say to make it better, and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so giving you a hug seemed like the right thing to do at the time.” I was rambling.
“It’s really okay. I know it’s kind of a conversation killer. And when people find out, they always give me this look of pity and I just can’t stand it. When they see me, that’s the first thing they think of. Not Ingrid, but Ingrid, The Girl with
the Dead Family.” Her honesty made me flinch, but I’d asked for it. I’d wanted it and now she was handing it to me.
“I can’t believe I’m talking about this with you. Or with anyone. I never did. Not really. I had therapists, but I didn’t want to talk to them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.” Our steps were slow, as if she wasn’t in a hurry to get back.
“I’m so honored that you trusted me enough to talk. You can never know how much that means to me. I don’t take it lightly, Ingrid.” She glanced at me and then looked down at the sidewalk.
“You don’t make me feel like that girl. Dead Family Girl. You make me feel like someone else. Not the person I was before, but someone else. Someone new. In a way, when I lost them, I died too. That life was over and I had to figure out how to be a person again. I still don’t think I’ve figured it out.” She gave a little laugh.
“I don’t think anyone would, in your situation. And to be fair, I think you’ve done a pretty damn good job. You’re in college and going to classes. That’s pretty fucking good.” She hid a smile and then looked up at the sky.
“You’re too nice to me.”
I shook my head.
“Not possible. You deserve so much more, Ingrid. You deserve the world.” She didn’t deserve what happened to her and I was going to make sure she knew it.
We made it to her dorm and she paused just outside the door, facing me.
“So…” she said, trailing off. I almost laughed because it felt so much like the end of a date.
“So…” I said, copying her tone and earning a little laugh from her.
“Thank you. For what you said. For the hug, even though it was against the rules. For all the presents and everything.” She didn’t have to thank me. I didn’t really want her to.
“You’re welcome,” I said and turned away, but she called my name.
“See you later.”
“Bye, Ingrid.” I gave her a little wave that she returned.
Marty was lounging on his bed when I got back.
“Sorry for cock-blocking earlier,” he said and I wanted to cuff him.
“That is definitely not what was going on, Marty. Not even close. Ingrid and I have a hands-off policy now. We’re just friends.” He snorted and turned on his side to face me.
“You’re an idiot if you believe that. You and that girl have some crazy chemistry and I know you have it hard for her. So what’s the problem? I seriously don’t get it.” I sighed. Ingrid’s secrets weren’t mine to tell.
“She’s just been through a lot and doesn’t need some asshole trying to get into her pants.” I very, very much wanted to, but that was totally selfish and was never going to happen. I wouldn’t let it happen.
“Maybe that’s what she does need, though. Have you ever thought about that?” I threw a pillow at him.
“I’m not saying to just bang her, but how do you know if she wants you if you never ask? She might surprise you.” He was insane. I wasn’t going to dignify that with a response, so I just lay back on my bed and put my hands behind my head. I could still smell her in the room. I sighed and closed my eyes.
Yes, I had kissed Ingrid and thought about doing other things, but that wasn’t the point. That wasn’t why I was here. And I knew that if anything were to happen and then I told her the real reason I was here, she would regret it and never forgive me. I could never do that to her. I’d never be able to live with myself afterwards. Things were going to be bad enough as it was.
I was going to do damage. I’d have to live with a certain amount, but try to minimize it as best I could. Things were complicated and they weren’t going to get any easier.
Ingrid and I fell back into hanging out as if we’d never stopped. She went back to smiling and laughing every now and then. We also kept our hands off each other, but it wasn’t easy. Every now and then there was incidental contact that made my blood scream and my skin ache to touch hers again. It was a punishment I completely deserved.
I didn’t ask her more about her family, and she didn’t volunteer more information. It was only natural that they would come up every now and then, but she still couldn’t talk about them. I told her that was fine as well, but she seemed almost… frustrated by it.
One Saturday when we were studying, she slammed her book shut and I looked up.
“I want to be able to talk about them. To share a story about them, but I can’t seem to do it. The words just die in my mouth and I can’t.” It took me a minute to catch up with what she was trying to say.
“Then maybe write it down?” I said. She opened her mouth and then closed it.
“Maybe.” She just stared at me. After a few moments she opened her book up and went back to studying as if nothing had happened. She was still pale and I could tell she wasn’t sleeping much, but I didn’t want to bug her about it. Time for a change of subject.
I’d caught her talking to Lacey, a girl who lived in her hall as if the two had been friends for a while and when I asked her about it, she just shrugged.
“We bump into each other in the bathroom sometimes. She seems nice. Her roommate is crazy, so sometimes she asks if she can hang out with me.” I nearly fell over. I’d never seen her willingly interact with anyone other than me, so I couldn’t help gaping at her.
“I’m not totally socially inept,” she said a little defensively. “I mean, I used to have lots of friends.” I’d seen the pictures.
“Look at you, making all kinds of friends. I thought you hated people.” She smacked me in the chest and then apologized.
“I don’t hate people. I just have a hard time getting close to anyone for obvious reasons. You get it, right?” I nodded as we headed back to her room to have dinner. She seemed to avoid the cafeteria at all costs and one of my goals was to get her to go there with me at least once.
“It’s totally reasonable. But, I still think you’re underestimating everyone else. Sure, you should definitely be selective, but you’re smart, Ingrid. I don’t think you’d let someone into your life that didn’t deserve to be there.” I definitely didn’t deserve to be in her life, but I wasn’t going to get into that right now.
“I guess,” she said as she went to the microwave to heat up some water for tea. She seemed thoughtful for a moment.
“I like the way you see me, Coen,” she said. Now I was the one who wanted to blush. That was a compliment of the highest order and it made my heart feel like it was going to bust out of my chest.
“I see what’s there, Ingrid, but only because you let me. Even though you tried not to. I could see you and what I saw was so beautiful. You are beautiful, Ingrid. In so many ways.” Now I was saying too much. She went red and fussed with the coffee cups that were stacked on top of her microwave.
“You have to stop saying things like that, Coen. It freaks me out and it makes me think that you’re thinking about being more than friends.” Shit. I definitely had said too much.
“Sorry. I’ll reel it in. Just friends.” I put my hands up in surrender and she glared at me.
The microwave beeped; she put in the tea bags and handed me mine before taking her seat on the bed.
“What about your family? I don’t want you to think that you can’t talk about them to me. You could, if you wanted to.” I had been resisting talking about them, but not for the reasons she thought. Still, I could share a little without saying too much.
“Well, I have my stupid brother and my mom and my stepfather. I have a few aunts and uncles and cousins, but my grandparents are all dead.” They had all passed when I was much younger, so my memories of them were hazy and blurry.
“What about your dad?” I flinched, visibly.
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I said, trying not to grit my teeth too hard. There was no way I could hide my reaction to her mention of him.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at her lap. I had to take several deep breaths and calm myself before I could answer her. Thinking about him tore me out
of the moment with her and put me somewhere else. Somewhere dark and terrible.
“Coen?” her sweet voice brought me back to the present. I had to swallow a few times because I felt sick.
“I’m sorry. I just… I can’t talk about that.” She reached out and rubbed my arm, but jerked back when she realized she wasn’t supposed to touch me. I cleared my throat and then looked at her. Now she was the one looking at me with concern. No pity. Just pure understanding.
“I didn’t know you had… I didn’t know. You never said anything.” I lifted one shoulder.
“Yeah, well. It seemed trivial compared to what you’ve been through.” She sighed.
“Oh, Coen. That’s not true. It isn’t a competition.” No, it wasn’t. But if it was, she would win.
“Anyway,” I said, clearing my throat, “my brother is a moron and my mom calls me incessantly and my stepfather is all the father I’ve ever needed. So that’s my family.” I went ahead and told her some of my favorite memories growing up: when Todd taught me to ride a bike and when I taught Ike to ride a skateboard.
“You were a boarder? I can totally see that,” she said, assessing me in a way that made me want to kiss her.
“Yeah, I was a bit of a punk when I was younger. Got into trouble, skipped classes, that kind of thing. Nothing really bad.” She gave me a look.
“Okay, so I got suspended a few times. But I never hurt anyone or did any permanent damage.” She laughed at me.
“What were you like?” Before she answered, she thought about it for a long time.
“I had a lot of friends. Went out a lot. I wasn’t big into drinking or pot or anything, but I had friends that were. I was a cheerleader. Played the flute. I did okay in school. Not fantastic, but not terrible either. In the middle. Nothing special.” That last part wasn’t true, but I let it slide.
“I don’t know, I didn’t have anything that I was super passionate about, which I guess is one thing that hasn’t changed. Except for books. I loved to read then and I love to read now.” I took a risk and spoke.