Not surprisingly, John Adams was shocked by both Madame Helvétius and her household when Franklin brought him for a visit. The two abbots, he sniped, “I suppose have as much power to pardon a sin as they have to commit one.” Of the moral “absurdities” at the house he commented, “No kind of republican government can ever exist with such national manners.” His wife, Abigail, was even more horrified when she visited later, and she described Madame Helvétius with a delightfully vicious pen:
Her hair was frizzled; over it she had a small straw hat, with a dirty gauze handkerchief behind…She carried on the chief of the conversation at dinner, frequently locking her hand into the Doctor’s, and sometimes spreading her arms upon the arms of both the gentlemen’s chairs, then throwing her arms carelessly upon the Doctor’s neck…I was highly disgusted, and never wish for an acquaintance with ladies of this cast. After dinner, she threw herself on a settee, where she showed more than her feet. She had a little lap-dog, who was, next to the doctor, her favorite. This she kissed, and when he wet the floor she wiped it up with her shirt.22
Franklin did more than flirt with Madame Helvétius; by September 1779, he was ardently proposing marriage in a way that was more than half-serious but retained enough ironic detachment to preserve their dignities. “If that Lady likes to pass her days with him, he in turn would like to pass his nights with her,” he wrote through Cabanis, using the third person. “As he has already given her many of his days, though he has so few left to give, she appears ungrateful never to have given him a single one of her nights, which steadily pass as a pure loss, without giving happiness to anyone except Poupon [her dog].”23
She led him on lightly. “I hoped that after putting such pretty things on paper,” she scrawled, “you would come and tell me some.” He continued his quest in a clever, yet still humorously detached, fashion by composing for her two little tales. The first was written in the voice of the flies living in his apartment. They complain about the dangers they faced from the spiders at Passy and thank her for making him clean out their webs. “There only remains one thing for us to wish,” they conclude. “It is to see both of you forming at last but one ménage.”24
Turgot, now more jealous than amused by Franklin, counseled her to decline his marriage proposals, which she did. Franklin nevertheless renewed his suit with one of his most famous tales, “The Elysian Fields,” in which he recounted a dream about going to heaven and discussing the matter with her late husband and his late wife, who had themselves married. Praising Madame Helvétius’s looks over those of his departed wife, he suggested they take revenge:
Vexed by your barbarous resolution, announced so positively last evening, to remain single all your life in respect to your dear husband, I went home, fell on my bed, and, believing myself dead, found myself in the Elysian Fields…[M. Helvétius] received me with great courtesy, having known me for some time, he said, by the reputation I had there. He asked me a thousand things about the war, and about the present state of religion, liberty, and the government in France. You ask nothing then of your dear friend Madame H——; nevertheless she still loves you excessively and I was at her place but an hour ago.
Ah! said he, you make me remember my former felicity.—But it is necessary to forget it in order to be happy here. During several of the early years, I thought only of her. Finally I am consoled. I have taken another wife. The most like her that I could find. She is not, it is true, so completely beautiful, but she has as much good sense, a little more of Spirit, and she loves me infinitely. Her continual study is to please me; and she has actually gone to hunt the best Nectar and the best Ambrosia in order to regale me this evening; remain with me and you will see her.
…At these words the new Madame H——entered with the Nectar: at which instant I recognized her to be Madame F——, my old American friend. I reclaimed to her. But she told me coldly, “I have been your good wife forty-nine years and four months, nearly a half century; be content with that. Here I have formed a new connection, which will endure to eternity.”
Offended by this refusal of my Eurydice, I suddenly decided to leave these ungrateful spirits, to return to the good earth, to see again the sunshine and you. Here I am! Let us revenge ourselves.25
Beneath the frivolity lurked a sincere desire—his friends thought so, as did his friendly rival Turgot—yet it was expressed with a flair that made it seem safe and clever. Always uncomfortable with deep emotional bonds, Franklin performed the perfect distancing trick. Instead of conducting his suit in secret, which would have given it a dangerous seriousness, he took it public by publishing the story on his private press a few months later. By doing so, he put his heart out for all to see, and there it could dance safely in the realm between sincerity and self-deprecating playfulness. “Franklin somehow never committed himself wholly in love,” notes Claude-Anne Lopez. “A part of him was always holding back and watching the proceedings with irony.”
It was all too much, both the seriousness and the public playfulness, for Madame Helvétius. She fled in June 1780 to spend the summer in Tours with the hope, according to a letter Turgot wrote a mutual friend, “that she may forget, if possible, all the turmoil that has tormented her.” He added that the vacation was best “not only for her own tranquility, but also to reestablish it in that other head [i.e., Franklin’s] that has agitated so ill-advisedly.”26
As for Franklin, the deft dance of half-serious flirtations, unrequited though they were, had a rejuvenating effect on his body and spirit. “I do not find that I grow any older,” he wrote a friend that spring. “Being arrived at 70, and considering that by traveling further in the same road I should probably be led to the grave, I stopped short, turned about, and walked back again; which having done these four years, you may now call me 66.”27
The Bagatelles
One product of Franklin’s flirtations at Passy and Auteuil was the collection of fables and tales—such as “The Ephemera,” “The Flies,” and “The Elysian Fields,” mentioned above—that he wrote to amuse his friends. He called them bagatelles, the French term for a sprightly little musical piece, and he published many of them on the private press he installed at Passy. They were similar to little stories he had written in the past, such as “The Trial of Polly Baker,” but the dozen or so written in Passy have a slight French accent to them.
They have been the subject of much critical fawning. “Franklin’s bagatelles combine delight with moral truth,” declares Alfred Owen Aldridge. “They are among the world’s masterpieces of light literature.” Not exactly. Their value lies more in the glimpse they give into Franklin’s personality than in their literary merit, which is somewhat slight. They are jeux d’esprit, as fun as a five-finger exercise. Most display Franklin’s typical wry self-awareness, though some are a bit heavy-handed in their attempt to teach a moral lesson.28
The most amusing is “Dialogue between the Gout and Mr. Franklin,” a precursor to the old Alka Seltzer commercial in which a man is berated by his stomach. When he was bedridden by the malady in October 1780, Madame Brillon wrote him a poem, “Le Sage et la Goutte,” that implied that his malady was caused by his love for “one pretty mistress, sometimes two, three, four.” Among the lines:
“Moderation, dear Doctor,” said the Gout,
“Is no virtue for which you stand out.
You like food, you like ladies’ sweet talk,
You play chess when you should walk.”
Franklin replied one midnight with a long and rollicking dialogue in which the gout chided him for his indulgences and also, because Franklin liked to be instructive, prescribed a course of exercise and fresh air:
MR. F.: Eh! oh! eh! What have I done to merit these cruel sufferings?
THE GOUT: Many things; you have ate and drank too freely, and too much indulged those legs of yours in their indolence.
MR. F.: Who is it that accuses me?
THE GOUT: It is I, even I, the Gout.
MR. F.: What! my enemy in
person?
THE GOUT: No, not your enemy.
MR. F.: I repeat it, my enemy; for you would not only torment my body to death, but ruin my good name; you reproach me as a glutton and a tippler; now all the world, that knows me, will allow that I am neither the one nor the other.
THE GOUT: The world may think as it pleases; it is always very complaisant to itself, and sometimes to its friends; but I very well know that the quantity of meat and drink proper for a man who takes a reasonable degree of exercise, would be too much for another who never takes any…
If your situation in life is a sedentary one, your amusements, your recreation, at least, should be active. You ought to walk or ride; or, if the weather prevents that, play at billiards. But let us examine your course of life. While the mornings are long, and you have leisure to go abroad, what do you do? Why, instead of gaining an appetite for breakfast by salutary exercise, you amuse yourself with books, pamphlets, or newspapers, which commonly are not worth the reading. Yet you eat an inordinate breakfast, four dishes of tea with cream, and one or two buttered toasts, with slices of hung beef, which I fancy are not things the most easily digested.
Immediately afterwards you sit down to write at your desk, or converse with persons who apply to you on business. Thus the time passes till one, without any kind of bodily exercise. But all this I could pardon, in regard, as you say, to your sedentary condition. But what is your practice after dinner? Walking in the beautiful gardens of those friends with whom you have dined would be the choice of men of sense; yours is to be fixed down to chess, where you are found engaged for two or three hours!
…You know M. Brillon’s gardens, and what fine walks they contain; you know the handsome flight of an hundred steps which lead from the terrace above to the lawn below. You have been in the practice of visiting this amiable family twice a week, after dinner, and it is a maxim of your own, that “a man may take as much exercise in walking a mile up and down stairs, as in ten on level ground.” What an opportunity was here for you to have had exercise in both these ways! Did you embrace it, and how often?
MR. F.: I cannot immediately answer that question.
THE GOUT: I will do it for you; not once.29
He sent the bagatelle to Madame Brillon along with a letter that, in a cheeky way, rebutted her poem’s contention “that mistresses have had a share in producing this painful malady.” As he pointed out, “When I was a young man and enjoyed more of the favors of the fair sex than I do at present, I had no gout. Hence, if the ladies of Passy had shown more of that Christian charity that I have so often recommended to you in vain, I should not be suffering from the gout right now.” Sex had become, by then, a topic of banter rather than of tension for them. “I will do my best for you, in a spirit of Christian charity,” she wrote back, “but to the exclusion of your brand of Christian charity.”
Franklin used his bagatelles as a way to improve his language skills; he would translate them back and forth, show them to friends like the Abbé de la Roche, and then incorporate corrections. He wrote his famous story about paying too much for a whistle as a child, for example, in two columns, the left in French and the right in English, with space in the margins for revisions. Because Madame Brillon spoke no English, Franklin sent her the French versions of his writings, often showing her the corrections others had made.
She was looser about grammar than about morals. “The corrector of your French spoiled your work,” she said of the edits la Roche made to the gout dialogue. “Leave your works as they are, use words that say things, and laugh at grammarians, who by their purity weaken all your sentences.” For example, Franklin often coined new French words, such as “indulger” (meaning “to indulge”), which his friends would then revise. Madame Brillon, however, found these neologisms charming. “A few purists might quibble with us, because those birds weigh words on a scale of cold erudition,” she wrote, but “since you seem to express yourself more forcefully than a grammarian, my judgment goes in your favor.”30
Franklin found it particularly difficult to master the language’s masculine and feminine distinctions, and he even jokingly put the word “masculines” in the feminine form, and “feminines” in the masculine when complaining about the need to look such things up in the dictionary. “For sixty years now [since age 16], masculine and feminine things—and I am not talking about modes and tenses—have been giving me a lot of trouble,” he noted wryly. “It will make me all the happier to go to paradise where, they say, all such distinctions will be abolished.”
So how good was Franklin’s French? By 1780, he was speaking and writing with great flourish and gusto, though not always with proper pronunciation and grammar. That approach appealed to most of his friends there, particularly the women, but not surprisingly, it offended John Adams. “Dr. Franklin is reported to speak French very well, but I find upon attending to him critically that he does not speak it grammatically,” Adams chided. “He acknowledged to me that he was wholly inattentive to grammar. His pronunciation, too, upon which the French gentlemen and ladies complimented him very highly, and which he seemed to think pretty well, I soon found out was very inaccurate.”31
The bagatelle that most enchanted his French friends, entitled “Conte,” was a parable about religious tolerance. A French officer who is about to die recounts a dream in which he arrives at the gates of heaven and watches St. Peter ask people about their religion. The first replies that he is a Catholic, and St. Peter says, “Take your place there among the Catholics.” A similar procedure follows for an Anglican and a Quaker. When the officer confesses that he has no religion, St. Peter is indulgent: “You can come in anyway; just find a place for yourself wherever you can.” (Franklin seems to have revised the manuscript a few times to make his point about tolerance clear, and in one version expressed it more forcefully as: “Enter anyway and take any place you wish.”)32
The tale echoed many of Franklin’s previous light writings advocating religious tolerance. Although Franklin’s belief in a benevolent God was becoming stronger as he grew older, the French intellectuals admired the fact that he did not embrace any religious sect. “Our freethinkers have adroitly sounded him on his religion,” one acquaintance wrote, “and they maintain that they have discovered he is one of their own, that is that he had none at all.”33
Chess and Farts
One of Franklin’s famous passions was chess, as evidenced by the late-night match he played in Madame Brillon’s bathroom. He saw the game as a metaphor for both diplomacy and life, a point that he made explicit in a bagatelle he wrote in 1779 on “The Morals of Chess,” which was based on an essay he had drafted in 1732 for his Philadelphia Junto. “The game of chess is not merely an idle amusement,” he began. “Several very valuable qualities of the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired or strengthened by it. For life is a kind of chess, in which we have often points to gain and competitors or adversaries to contend with.”
Chess, he said, taught foresight, circumspection, caution, and the importance of not being discouraged. There was also an important etiquette to be practiced: never hurry your opponent, do not try to deceive by pretending to have made a bad move, and never gloat in victory: “Moderate your desire of victory over your adversary, and be pleased with the one over yourself.” There were even times when it was prudent to let an opponent retract a bad move: “You may indeed happen to lose the game to your opponent, but you will win what is better, his esteem.”34
During one of Franklin’s late-night chess matches in Passy, a messenger arrived with an important set of dispatches from America. Franklin waved him off until the game was finished. Another time, he was playing with his equal, the Duchess of Bourbon, who made a move that inadvertently exposed her king. Ignoring the rules of the game, he promptly captured it. “Ah,” said the duchess, “we do not take Kings so.” Replied Franklin in a famous quip: “We do in America.”35
One night in Passy he was absorbed in a game when the cand
les flickered out. Refusing to quit, he sent his opponent to find more. The man quickly returned with a surprised look and the news that it was already light outside. Franklin threw open the shutters. “You are right, it is daytime,” he said. “Let’s go to bed.”
The incident was the inspiration for a bagatelle he wrote about his surprise at discovering that the sun rose and poured forth light at 6 in the morning. By this stage in his life, it should be noted, he no longer shared Poor Richard’s belief in being early to bed and early to rise. He declared that this discovery would surprise his readers, “who with me have never seen any signs of sunshine before noon.” This led him to conclude that if people would simply get up much earlier, they could save a lot of money on candles. He even included some pseudo-scientific calculations of what could be saved by this “Economical Project” if during the summer months Parisians would shift their sleeping time seven hours earlier: close to 97 million livres, “an immense sum that the city of Paris might save every year by the economy of using sunshine instead of candles.”
Franklin concluded by bestowing the idea on the public without any request for royalty or reward. “I expect only to have the honor of it,” he declared. He ended up with far more honor than he could have imagined: most histories of the invention of Daylight Savings Time credit the idea to this essay by Franklin, even though he wrote it mockingly and did not come up with the idea of actually shifting clocks by an hour during the summer.36