“Colton, we were never good for each other. We were wasting our time and we both knew it. I think we both know that’s why you cheated. Three years and following each other to college is a big deal and I don’t think either one of us knew how to walk away from that. But we needed to. I don’t think it’s Ok that you cheated, and I’ll never think it was Ok. But I’m happy with where I’m at now. I’m happy we’re not together anymore.” I felt very mature at the end of that, even while in my head I was editing all the bad names I would have liked to call him.
“You’re happy we’re not together now?” He spat out and then crossed his arms, the ultimate defensive move for Colton. “Why? Because you have Fin Hunter?”
“I don’t have Fin Hunter-“
Colton cut me off, “He’s not going to be your boyfriend, Ellie. He just wants to hook up. Everybody knows that about him. I want to be your boyfriend. I love you. We have a future together.”
Colton left me almost speechless. I meant it when I said we didn’t love each other. We still didn’t and we never would. But I never thought he would come around and fight for me.
“Colton, I don’t know what to say,” I finally admitted.
“Say you’ll give us another chance,” he pleaded. He took a step forward, apparently taking my confusion as a good sign and reached out for my hands. I let him, more out of habit than anything else. His hands were bigger than mine and warm. But they didn’t dwarf mine in their strong, pure-masculine grip like Fin’s and they didn’t start a fire under my skin that spread like wild fire to my guts, lighting everything up in a blaze on the way.
Colton was lukewarm, Fin was dangerously hot.
Colton was forgettable.
Fin would burn me, leaving scars in his wake.
“I can’t say that, Colton,” I met his eyes; eyes that once captivated me and gave me security but now only made me feel pity. “We were over before you cheated. You have to know that. There’s nothing real between us, and I don’t have the energy for this anymore. You deserve better than this. And I really deserve better than you.”
I took my hands back and walked around him. He didn’t make a move to come after me, or really a move at all. I think I stunned him. But that was a good thing. I was learning how to stand up for myself. I was learning to find my independence.
I crawled in my car and pulled forward, since Colton was still just standing there. My heart started pounding in my chest and I barely noticed where I was going as I wound around the outskirts of campus to Fin’s apartment complex.
I was right to leave Colton like that. We didn’t have a future together.
But that didn’t mean Fin and I did either.
Panic settled in my chest as I realized how much power Fin had to hurt me. Colton may have been completely delusional with his expectations for us, but he was right when it came to Fin.
Fin didn’t want to be my boyfriend. And I was out of my mind to think that I could be the girl to change him. And if I let go of all my inhibitions, of everything I expected of myself and gave into him, where would that leave me?
I’d have sold out for money. I was back to the same old argument.
Only this time, I could admit that I would also be heartbroken. Fin would crush me if I allowed whatever was happening between us to become more and then he would just walk away.
Three years of Colton and I had a couple bad weeks and an Econ grade that needed salvaging. Six weeks of Fin and I would never be the same. And if I gave him anymore of my time or heart, he would just continue to steal pieces of me until there was nothing left.
I pulled into the parking lot of his building and sprinted up to his apartment before I could stop myself. I was breathing heavy, wild eyed and a bit frantic when he finally came to the door.
His eyes were heavy with sleep and he was shirtless. His muscles were so pronounced on his tanned body that I couldn’t stop myself from imagining licking each one of those divots and ripples. His hair was mussed as if I woke him up from a nap and he was wearing those black sweatpants I adored on him.
Not fair.
I bit my lip, afraid he would be pissed that I just showed up at his place unannounced, without as much as even text. And then for one heart stopping moment I panicked that there might be another girl here.
But then his confused face broke out into an adorable grin and he said, “Hey, you. I thought you were going home today?” He stepped to the side so I could go in.
Ok, obviously there was no girl here. Whew. I relaxed that side of my panic. But still, my nerves were tight with anxiety and my head spinning.
“Hey, are you Ok?” he walked around to face me again, putting his hands on my waist like he had a right to, like my body was already his to hold and touch whenever he wanted. And for a second I leaned into his comforting touch. I let myself be surrounded by his presence, by his delicious smell and absorbed by the butterflies that came every time he touched me.
“I, um,” I took a shaky breath and a step back. “We need to talk.”
“Oh, no,” he sighed, seeming to realize this was not going to go well for him. “Is this about your brothers? Listen, I only went to Grayson so you wouldn’t have to. I didn’t know Lennox was going to be there, but honestly Ellie, I’m glad he was. I didn’t want you to have to face your family alone, and since I don’t know when you’re going to introduce me to them, I was just trying to make things easier on you.”
“Stop!” I demanded. He was being sweet again, and it was confusing me. With a softer, more desperate tone I whispered. “Stop, Fin. Please, let me say what I have to say without interrupting me.”
He cocked his head back, surprised by my supplication. “Alright,” he cleared his throat nervously, “talk.”
“I can’t work for you anymore-“
“I know that, I was actually going to-“
“Fin, please,” I begged. “This is hard enough, please let me get this out.” He snapped his mouth shut, his rich brown eyes flashing black with emotion, but eventually he nodded. “I can’t work for you anymore and I can’t keep letting what’s happening between us to continue. I know that you need this money, and I know you have to help Declan. I’m still going to pay you back; I will do what I can. But I can’t keep doing this to myself when I know the money is always going to stand in our way.”
“Ellie,” Fin groaned aggressively. “For the love of God, stop worrying about the money!”
“I can’t!” I snapped, so frustrated with him I could scream. “You don’t get it. You don’t get that if I just forget about the money, if I just let you write off the debt so you can sleep with me, that destroys everything good and moral I have!”
“You’re making way too big of a deal out of this!” He was pissed. Super pissed. His jaw was ticking; his shoulders were bunched and tensed. He looked just like the scary-hit-man that first came to visit me. “I’ve got everything taken-“
“Fin, enough! I can’t do this. I’m already paying off somebody else’s debt; I’ve already had my dignity stripped, my belongings stolen. I don’t need this from you too. I like you. Fine, I like you a lot. But most of all, I respect you. And I want you to respect me too.” In a softer voice I added, “I want to respect me.”
“So what are you saying?” he asked in a carefully measured voice, not even addressing anything I just said.
“I’m saying this is over until I figure out the money, until I can feel good about being with you.”
He made a sound in the back of his throat and then repeated, “Until you can feel good about being with me.”
I nodded, regretting my words already. “When that time comes, we can see if you still want to be with me too.” Those words were the hardest of all to say because my gut told me he wouldn’t want to be with me.
“That time’s in a week, Ellie,” Fin reminded me in a hard voice. “I need that money in a week.”
“You’ll get it,” I promised. Even though he would definitely not be getting it. Which
meant we would never be able to be together. I walked over to the door and opened it. “Bye, Fin. Good luck at your meet this week.”
He didn’t say anything, just stood there staring at me with his ticking jaw. With one last look I walked out of his apartment and down the stairs to my car.
I did all that to save myself from brokenness and heartache, but with every step I took it felt like I was dropping pieces of my shattered heart as I went.
Chapter Nineteen
Almost an entire week had gone by since I ended things with Fin. I spent spring break at home with my parents for half the week and then came back to my once again empty apartment to mope. I knew Fin left on Tuesday for his track invitational and I had practically stalked him via the campus website to see how he did and if he made it to finals, which he did. His big poker game was this week and I knew he would be going home today for Sunday lunch while I sat around all day pouting and being miserable since I stupidly asked for the day off before everything went to hell.
I kind of hated how integrated into his life I’d become in such a short time. We weren’t even together in any official capacity and yet he’d taken up so much of my time and thoughts it was like he was always meant to be there.
No, I couldn’t think like that.
He had three days to come up with the money for Declan’s down payment and even with Britte paying this month’s half of the rent I still could only spare him roughly fifty dollars. Maybe.
I was discouraged. And depressed. And disheartened. And any other d-word I could think of.
I didn’t even feel like I was still tied to the debt anymore. I knew even though he hadn’t verbally released me from the debt, that I was. But I still wanted to pay it; I still wanted to help him out, but mostly Declan. I felt responsible for his brother, even though I’d never even met him. And I felt a sense of commitment to Fin, a need to not let him face yet another huge obstacle in his life alone again.
But that wasn’t my place anymore.
Maybe it never had been.
Plus, there was this small, but insistent part of me that wanted to be able to pay off the debt just so I could see if something might still happen between us.
I glanced at my quiet phone. Nothing.
I let out a long sigh and stretched out on the worn couch from Britte’s dad. Stupid. Nothing was going to happen with Fin. If there had even been a miniscule chance of that happening before, there was no chance of it now. I’d seen to that.
Which sucked now that I realized how in love with him I was. I was so worried about Fin breaking my heart that I jumped the gun and did it for him. I rubbed at my chest, hating how much it hurt without him in my life, hating how much I wanted to just crawl back to him and curl up in his arms.
With Colton the heartache got easier, a couple weeks went by and I all but forgot about his misdeeds. With Fin, it seemed things were only going to get worse. I was so depressed at my parents’ house they hounded me constantly about money and stress. Finally, I retreated back here to the solitude of my own apartment, hoping for some reprieve, but I was just left alone with my own thoughts and my own regrets.
This sucked.
I was half tempted to join his poker game this week just to have a small piece of him in my life again. Except then I would end up seven thousand more dollars in the hole.
It was telling how depressed I was when this sounded like a good idea.
A knock at my door pulled me out of my spiraling thoughts and I pulled myself up into sitting. I glared at my door, kind of afraid of whom it might be. If it was Colton again I decided to just kick him in the nuts and slam the door in his face. He might get the message then.
Groaning I trudged over to the door and yanked it open.
With a whoosh of breath I came face to face with Fin Hunter. Once an urban legend, now possibly just a boy I was irrevocably in love with. And he was standing in my doorway staring down at me with those gorgeous chocolate eyes pinning me in place.
“Hey,” He smiled down at me. His expression was warm and relieved. His eyes were doing that twinkling thing, taking in every part of me.
I sucked in a sharp breath when I realized “every part of me” was dressed in a sloppy t-shirt that reached to my thighs, no makeup and two day old hair. Meanwhile, he was perfect looking, with his hair styled, and a day of irresistible scruff on his chin. He was dressed in gray dress pants and a white oxford, looking painfully handsome. If I hadn’t already been in love, I would have fallen immediately into it with him in this exact moment.
“Hey,” I winced, tugging at my shirt.
“You’re not ready,” he observed, his eyebrows creasing his forehead.
“Ready for what?” my voice was hoarse from crying earlier and I had to bite my lip to keep from bursting into more tears right here in front of him.
“For Sunday dinner at my Grandma’s house,” he reminded me like I hadn’t yelled at him a week ago and then walked out of his life with the intent to stay out of it.
“Fin, I don’t think that’s a good-“
“Ellie, you’re invited to my Grandma’s house for Sunday dinner, and she will be very disappointed in you when I tell her you’d rather sit at home in your…. pajamas?” he asked, his lips twitching. I nodded, they were my pajamas. I had a right to ugly pajamas! “In your pajamas, than be her guest.”
My mouth dropped open. He was so tricksy!
“I told you I couldn’t be around you anymore until the money is settled.”
“And I told you to stop worrying about the money. Go get dressed; we’re leaving in five minutes.”
“No,” I plopped my hands on my hips, determined to win this round.
Fin took a step into my apartment and gripped my waist, knocking my own hand out of the way. My t-shirt rode up with his grasp on me and he trailed the fingers of his other hand up my thigh and underneath the shirt. This hand rested on my bare skin, just above my panty line and I couldn’t stop the whimper that slipped out.
“Ellie, you look so sexy right now, I’m seconds from carrying you to your room and making you pay for a week of staying away from me. Right now I’m letting it slide because rationally I know I was gone for that week. But irrationally I can barely stop myself from showing you how much I missed you and making sure you missed me just as much.” His head dropped to my neck, his breath warm on my throat. I shivered helplessly when he pressed a kiss to the sensitive spot just under my earlobe. “Now, unless you want to be rude to my grandma you better go get ready so we can leave. Alright?” Another kiss, this one hot and wet on the hollow of my throat.
In a pathetically shaky voice I agreed, “Alright.”
Fin trailed little kisses along my collarbone as if he couldn’t stop himself and then gave me a long, lingering one on the mouth. I melted into him, relishing in the feel of his lips, the taste of his tongue and every hard muscled pressed tight against my body. I couldn’t stay away from this, not when it wanted him more than anything else in life.
“Ok, go get ready,” he demanded, releasing me suddenly.
I stepped back with a squeal and then turned around to either obey or die of mortification, I wasn’t sure yet. I took one step and he slapped my ass. Hard.
I shot him a shocked look over my shoulder but he just stood there grinning at me, cocky as ever.
Shaking my head I made my way to my bedroom and threw my t-shirt on the ground in frustration. I would go to lunch, but only because of his grandma and because I was dying to meet Declan. And because I was terribly curious about his home life.
And because it felt so good to be with Fin again that I was pretty sure all my reasons for staying away died the minute he put his lips to my skin.
I could whine and complain about moral integrity all I wanted, but in the end those were just excuses. It felt more wrong not to be with Fin than it did to give in and let myself love him. It felt right to be with him, to be in his arms, to let go of all of my meaningless reasons to stay away. I loved him. Hea
rtbreak and integrity be damned.
Except somehow I knew I would get to keep both my heart and my integrity with Fin. Instinctively I knew now that he would never let me hurt or feel pain and he’d be damned before he let me compromise anything about myself.
He was one of the good guys.
I dressed quickly in a peach hombre maxi dress I’d picked out with my mom while I was home.
She beamed at me the entire shopping trip and we actually had a good time. It was a hard pill to swallow that when I cut myself off from my parents, I had also cut them off from me. And they were hurting because of my distance. Looking back I realized how selfish I had been. I was blessed to have a family like them. I wouldn’t take that for granted any longer.
I threw on some light makeup and braided my hair over my shoulder to tame its rowdiness. I walked out into the hall to find Fin waiting for me near the door. He looked up and his expression heated immediately with something more than want, something I couldn’t name or identify.
“Let me just grab my purse.” I said in a still wobbly voice.
Fin grabbed my hand before I could walk past him and pulled me to him. Slowly, purposefully he walked forward until my back was pressed against the wall. His head dipped and his lips were just a breath away from mine.
“There’s no more debt between us, yeah, Ellie?” his voice rumbled over me. I felt myself nod, but I couldn’t form words. “Tell me you understand that.”
“There’s no more debt,” I whispered.
He barely let me finish before his lips were on mine in a scorching kiss. One of his hands gripped my hip, while the other slipped gently to the nape of my neck. He held me to him, firmly, possessively. He kissed me so deeply, as if he was touching every part of me, as if he owned everything that I was. And this time I let him. There was no fight, no struggle. This kiss was everything I wanted.