“Branigan, Rodgers, good job!” Coach Scharfenberg called to us as we slowly made our way back to the team.
The coaches and officials spent a few minutes going over the official times.
“Hey, you coming out after?” Ian asked me.
“Yeah.” The guys on the varsity team always went out after the meets. It usually involved a lot of food and Gatorade.
“Awesome job!” Andy handed me some water.
“Thanks, you killed it in the two hundred.”
“Totally.” Tim came up and patted Andy on the back. “Although let’s face it, I smoked the relay. As I do.”
I actually had guy friends. Like, real guy friends. Once I’d made varsity (the only sophomore to do so), I’d started hanging out with Tim and Andy, both juniors. They were these cool guys who were really supportive. I would just relax and try not to get too giddy whenever they’d ask me to do stuff.
I did have to break plans with Macallan a few times, but I knew she was happy for me. Plus, she always planned everything way in advance, which these guys didn’t.
I stared at the scoreboard, willing the times to be posted. And it was close.
Ian had beaten me by one-tenth of a second.
One-tenth.
In some ways, I would rather have lost by a second. Races this close always haunted me. I didn’t think I had anything left in me, but I couldn’t help but think if I’d only pushed myself a little faster, only two-tenths faster, I would’ve won.
“Good job, man!” Ian patted me on the back.
“Congrats — you earned it.”
I went over to the side where Macallan and Danielle were waiting.
“Hey.” I tried to smile.
“You were great!” Macallan exclaimed, and gave me a big hug. I felt so embarrassed because not only had I lost, but I was covered in sweat.
I shrugged, not willing to accept the compliment. Especially when it wasn’t warranted.
“Come on — you’re a sophomore,” she reminded me. “Second place is amazing. You’ll totally get it next time.”
Yeah, when Ian was no longer on the team.
Macallan grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. “Earth to Levi! You were incredible. We’re going to Culver’s — frozen custard on me!”
“As much as I’d love to see you open your wallet for a change, I’m going out with the guys.” I playfully messed up her hair.
She swatted my hand away. “Oh, right, guy time. Manly time. Bro time. Oh, wait, is that a smile I see?” She scrunched up her face and pretended she was searching for clues in my face. “Yep, there’s definitely a smile cracking. You know what will probably get a huge grin is quality time spent around dudes. Yep, manly men, doing manly things.”
“Too bad,” Danielle joined in. “Macallan and I were going to have a lingerie pillow fight.”
“Totally.” Macallan’s eyebrows went up and down. “And to think, there was something else I was going to do. I don’t know, it was on the edge of my lips.” She playfully puckered her lips and tapped them. “Hmm, don’t know what it was.”
“You’re awful.” I desperately tried to get the thought of Macallan and Danielle in lingerie out of my mind. That was up-and-down cruel. I sometimes thought Macallan forgot I was a guy. And we have certain responses that are difficult to control.
“I’m only teasing.” She bumped her hip against mine.
Yes, tease was the appropriate word.
“I’ve got to hit the showers.” A very, very cold shower.
“Have fun tonight. Really.” She gave me another big hug. Which didn’t help my current situation. “I’m proud of you and I’ll see you tomorrow. Now go have fun with the boys.”
“Yes, be super manly,” Danielle said.
They both laughed and walked away.
“Dude.” Andy followed me into the locker room. “There’s no way I can ask her to prom, even if I promise to be a gentleman?”
I shook my head. No way.
“It’s pretty cruel that you parade her around me, but it’s all look, don’t touch.”
Join the club, I thought.
Tim and Andy had been working with me on my catching skills. Even Keith had joined us a few times and thought I could play, actually play, on the varsity team the next year.
This was the life I’d dreamed of when we drove to Wisconsin four years ago. Being with a crew, being popular. I didn’t care how shallow it sounded. It was true.
I walked to classes in a group. I hung out with a group. My group. Girls were paying more attention to me.
It was about two weeks after Macallan and I had shared that sweaty hug when I was with my crew at our after-meet dinner.
“California!” Andy started slamming his hands against the table.
Tim joined him with his fists banging. “California, come on!” Soon the entire table was chanting my nickname.
I picked up the milk shake and chugged the entire thing. I didn’t care that I could hardly taste it or that the cold burned my throat. My guys were cheering me on.
“Dude!” Andy laughed. “That was insane. Twenty-six seconds. You totally crushed Tim’s time.”
“Won’t be the last time that happens,” I boasted, ignoring the instant pounding in my head from brain freeze.
Andy straightened up a bit and ran his hands quickly over his hair. He then jutted his chin out. “What’s up, Macallan?”
I turned around to see that Macallan had walked in with Danielle. They took a corner table.
“Dude, come on,” Andy pleaded. “Ask her to join us.”
I couldn’t tell if the lurch I felt was from slamming a milk shake or Andy’s constant insistence on being set up with Macallan.
Andy took my silence as a non-invitation for Macallan to join us. He seemed to concede … but then he popped out of his seat and headed over to her table.
I could only see part of Macallan’s face as Andy approached. She looked confused at first, then gave him a big grin. Andy said something that made her laugh and I jumped up.
“What’s going on?” I put my arm around Andy and gave Macallan an apologetic look. “Is he bothering you?”
“I’m inviting these lovely ladies over to our table.” Andy bowed his head.
Danielle picked up her menu and refused to look up. Her tolerance for “stupid boy shenanigans” was about as high as Macallan’s.
I knew the only way to get Andy to leave was to make him jealous.
“Hey, you.” I pushed Andy aside and sat down next to Macallan. “What are you getting?” I rested my chin on her shoulder for extra effect. “Let me guess, tuna melt?”
“Maybe …” I saw her give Danielle a look that resulted in a conspiratorial smirk.
Quiet settled on the table. Andy excused himself, but I wanted to wait a few more minutes just to make a point that nobody else was allowed to be at this table.
“I’m going to go wash my hands.” Danielle got up and left.
I moved over to her side of the booth. “So what’s going on?”
Macallan shrugged. “Not much. Are you coming to Sunday night supper?”
“I can’t — I’ve got something at Keith’s. But Mom and Dad are still coming.”
She looked down at the menu again. This place had only about three things she would eat, so I didn’t know why she needed to study it so much.
“Oh, also, I can’t do Wednesday, either. I’ve got —”
“Something with the guys,” she talked over me, a bitter edge seeping into her voice.
“Ah, yeah.” I took her menu away. “Look, I’m sorry I’ve been preoccupied.”
“I get it.” I could tell she was hurt. She was used to me not having any plans. I couldn’t help it if the guys had me booked. I was a man in demand. “So will you be able to come to Adam’s birthday party?”
“Isn’t that months away?”
“Well, thought I’d get you to commit now. Even if you’ll probably cancel at the last minute.”
I decided to ignore the passive-aggressive comment.
Macallan picked up her soda and took a long sip. She paused for a second, then put the soda down and said, “So Keith asked me out again.”
“He did what?” I blurted loudly.
“Yeah, he came up to me yesterday after class.” She folded her body over like she was a caveman. “You. Me. Date. Grunt. I said no. Obviously.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She studied my face. “I texted you yesterday to call me, but alas, you didn’t get back to me. Shocking.” Her lips were pursed. I remembered getting her text, but it had been during practice. And while I shouldn’t have ignored her, she’d been sending a lot more texts than normal lately. It bordered on needy. “Besides, I would’ve thought he told you.”
“No, he didn’t. He knew I wouldn’t be okay with that. I’ve made it clear that you’re off-limits.”
“I’m off-limits?” she snapped. “What does that mean?”
“It’s just, like, you know …”
“No, I don’t know.” She pulled the elastic out of her hair and immediately put her hair up again, her hands working quickly. I could tell she was annoyed. She needed something to give her a few seconds to figure out what to say next. “You’re such a hypocrite.”
I wasn’t expecting that.
Disgust filled her voice. “It’s totally okay for you to get a whole group of guy friends, but heaven forbid one of them wants to go out with me.”
She had completely lost me. “You want to go out with Keith?”
“No! This isn’t about Keith.” She looked down at the table. “Well, at least someone in your group wants to spend time with me.”
This wasn’t like Macallan. She wasn’t the kind of person who felt sorry for herself.
“Do you want me to go over there” — I pointed to my table — “and tell them I won’t hang out with them anymore. Is that what you want?”
That familiar cold look started to creep over her face. “You know I don’t want that. And I’m sorry I want to spend some time with you.”
“Well, we’ve got the summer.”
“That feels like it’s ages from now.”
I saw Danielle approaching and got up. “But seriously, if you want to go out with Keith …”
She grimaced.
“Oi!” I called out, knowing how to temper this situation. “Blimey if he don’t fancy him a sweetheart. Before ya know it, he’ll be bringing ’round roses and Bob’s your uncle.”
I waited for her to reply. She sat there stubbornly for a few moments before she responded in a monotone, “But, Buggy, you’re uncle’s name is Sam.”
I quickly turned on my heel. I figured it was best for me to leave her quoting Buggy and Floyd than to get in a fight.
Macallan and I didn’t really fight. It wasn’t our thing.
But this felt like a fight.
I was so busy with track, practicing ball, and studying for finals as our sophomore year came to an end. But I made a note to spend at least an entire day with Macallan as soon as school was over.
Now we had only one more day to go and then we’d be free.
As much as I loved my guys, I had started to miss Macallan. When I was with her, I didn’t have to always be on. Sure, she and I would trade barbs, but she was also the only person I could have a real conversation with. I thought if I got too deep with the guys, they’d think I was turning into a girl.
“Hey, you.” Macallan came up to me after school with Danielle not far behind. “I’ve been texting you all week.”
“Hey!” I started shoving books in my backpack.
“Are you —”
“Rodgers!” Tim boomed. “You’re so going to pay for that stunt in gym.”
“Good luck with that!” I shouted back. I turned back to Macallan. “Sorry. What were you saying?”
She looked flustered. “I was wondering —”
“CATCH!” I heard Keith call out. I turned around and perfectly caught the football he’d thrown.
“Mr. Simon, no throwing in the halls,” a teacher reprimanded him.
“Sorry! Sorry!” Keith played bashful, until the teacher turned her back. “Nice work, California! We’ve got all summer to throw the pigskin around.”
“I hear that.” We high-fived.
I finally realized Macallan was trying to tell me something. I looked around and couldn’t find her. I saw Danielle up the hallway and went after her.
“Yo!” I called out.
She turned around and gave me a death stare.
“Yo? You’ve got to be kidding me.” She kept walking.
“Where’s Macallan?”
“Oh, so you noticed her existence?” she said dryly.
“Come on, I —”
She interrupted me. “No, totally, dude. I get it. You had your bros around. Chillax, yo.”
Wow. A girl was overreacting. Paging Captain Cliché.
“Try her locker,” she said over her shoulder.
I raced to Macallan’s locker. And was relieved to see her, until she turned around and looked like she was about to cry.
I’d only seen Macallan cry about her mom. She handled everything else — the dissolving of her friendship with Emily, her breakup with Ian, academic stress — with this quiet strength.
“Hey, hey!” I ran up to her, but she began walking in the opposite direction. “You’re mad at me?”
She didn’t need to answer when she turned around. The look on her face said enough. But unfortunately, she answered, “What do you think?”
“I’m sorry.” Even though I had no idea what had gotten her so mad. I’d only been fooling around with my friends at my locker. She couldn’t have waited a minute or two before she would have had my undivided attention? Of course she couldn’t. She was used to having me all to herself.
But now I had other friends, other commitments.
It wasn’t my problem if she couldn’t handle that.
She laughed. “You know, I usually believe you when you apologize, but I have a feeling you have no idea what this is about.”
“Actually I do.”
“Oh, really? Would you care to enlighten me?” She was being so smug, it made me even angrier.
“You don’t like that your little errand and whipping boy isn’t at your beck and call.”
She stared blankly at me. I’d got her so good.
“No.” Her voice was so quiet. “It’s that I think I’m losing my best friend. Wait, no, not just a best friend but part of my family. You know more than anybody how much my family means to me, and I let you be part of it. You promised me, Levi — you promised my mom — that you’d always be there for me. Some promise.”
I felt sick to my stomach.
She wiped away a tear and continued. “I understand how important it is for you to have your guy friends, I do. But I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen you in the past month. The past month, Levi. And don’t forget, one of those times was so we could go shopping to get a suit for you to take that junior girl to her prom.”
She was helpful, picking out the corsage I gave Jill.
“I gave up one of my closest friends because of you, Levi. Because I thought the friendship we had was worth it. But the second you get guy friends, you push me aside. Do you have any idea how worthless you’ve made me feel? Did you even once think about my feelings every time you canceled on me?”
Because Keith always had the worst timing, he came down the hallway right then. “Come on, California! You coming or not?” he called out.
Macallan glared at him before she turned back to me. “Please don’t let me get in the way of your precious bro time.” She rolled her eyes.
That’s when I snapped. I no longer felt sorry for her. I was sick of the way she always made me feel like the things I wanted were stupid. That her time was more important than mine. For the way she kissed me and pretended it was nothing. That there were no consequences
for her when it comes to me.
“This is all a joke for you, isn’t it?” I spat at her.
Her face turned white. “I never thought —”
I cut her off. “Yep, you never think.”
And then I walked away from her.
I had no desire to hear what she had to say anymore. I didn’t like being made to feel like I was letting her down. That I was a failure somehow. That I was single-handedly responsible for her happiness. That I was the one responsible for her not being friends with Emily anymore. It was a decision she had made. And it wasn’t my fault she wasn’t with Ian anymore, either. She needed to stop putting so much on our friendship.
I was a fifteen-year-old guy. What was so wrong with wanting to hang out with my friends? My real friends.
I went with Keith, but it was like I wasn’t there. I caught the ball because I needed to catch the ball. But that was it. My mind was back in that hallway. My mind would not move.
I wasn’t proud of myself for making Macallan sad or knowing full well she was probably crying at that very second, somewhere out of my reach.
But she just got to me.
I hated that she was making me feel guilty, when she was the one who should’ve been —
I mean, she was the one who, like, wanted to —
I was so angry, I couldn’t even think straight. I hated that I felt that way. I hated that I used to be able to tell Macallan everything, but couldn’t anymore.
She drove me nuts. She had these certain ways about her that would fill me with rage when I thought about it.
The way she would tease me.
The way she would expect me to be there for her.
The way she would rest her head on my shoulder when we’d watch a movie.
The way she would taunt me by messing up my hair.
The way she kissed me and pulled away.
Really, when I thought about it, it was that moment. That kiss was when I started to feel differently about her.
But to her it was nothing.
Why did it have to be nothing?
Why couldn’t it have been something?
Why did she have to pull away?
Why couldn’t she —
And then it hit me.
I knew I could sometimes be slow with things, but why on earth had it taken me so long to realize what was really going on?