Unfortunately for her, I wasn’t going to do that.
Enough was enough.
“Come on, Macallan. I’m not an idiot. You’ve been distant. Our parents are talking to each other all the time. What would they have to talk about if it wasn’t one of us?”
“I don’t know. They’re friends — aren’t friends allowed to talk? Stop making it some conspiracy theory. Friends talk.”
“Yes, friends talk. But that’s not what you and I have been doing.” She ignored me and continued to roll out the dough. “Can you stop for a second, sit down, and talk to me? Please?” I moved a chair for her to sit down next to me.
She hesitated. She never used to be so guarded around me.
Macallan sat down with a towel in her hands. She methodically wiped the flour off her hands, still refusing eye contact.
“Macallan, can you please tell me what’s going on? You’ve been acting different since you’ve gotten back, like I make you uncomfortable now.”
She finally looked at me, and she looked scared. “It’s only … I had a lot of time to think in Ireland. And things have been different since I’ve been back. I have been different. It’s just that, I guess, it’s …” She looked down. “Levi, I think our friendship has been through a lot lately, so I don’t want to add any more tension, seriously. Can we not do this right now? Please.”
I wanted to give her some space, but wasn’t eight weeks in another country enough? Frustration started pouring over me. I’d always been truthful to Macallan, but I couldn’t help but feel that she was lying to me. Again.
I’d been so concerned about Macallan and her feelings, but what about mine? It had hurt me when she went away. I had tried to give her everything I thought she wanted — my time, my attention — and it still hadn’t been enough.
But this time it wasn’t on me. She was the one who left. She was the one who wasn’t around. She was the one who was canceling on me.
I had been there the entire time waiting for her to come back. But I still felt like she was gone.
And I was tired of waiting.
“You abandoned me.” The words flew out so fast I didn’t have a chance to catch them. “I confessed my feelings for you and you just walked out and abandoned me. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? But I gave you your space and didn’t say anything because I hoped once you got back, everything would be okay between us. But they’re not. I don’t know what else to do because I’m not the one acting weird.”
“Oh, really?” Her voice rose sharply. “You’re turning this on me? Yes, you confessed your feelings to me. You left this huge door open. Then I come home to find it slammed in my face.”
“A door? What door did I slam in your face? I couldn’t wait for you to get home!”
Instead of yelling back at me, her voice wavered. “The entire time I was in Ireland, I thought of you. You certainly gave me a lot to think about. And I did, Levi. A lot. I wanted to make this work between us. So much. I got off the plane thinking we’d have this happy ending. And then I had the rug pulled from under me. I think all the time about when the plane was landing in Chicago. How different things are now compared to what I thought they’d be. How foolish I’d been. So yes, Levi, I’m not there for you as much, but you’re not here, either.”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve been here the entire time, Macallan. You were the one who left. Left me. And you’re the one who’s been ignoring me. I waited months for you to return, and you’re here, but you’re not really here. So just tell me what you want from me because I’m tired of guessing and tired of feeling like I can never satisfy you. So please, enlighten me.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. Her gaze was transfixed on the floor. She refused to even look at me.
I wanted her to stand up and fight. To fight for this relationship, but I already knew she was giving up on me. And at the moment, I didn’t care. Why was it solely up to me to fix things between us? Especially when I had no clue what more I could’ve done. But nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough for her. She always expected so much from me. And that was the heart of the problem. Macallan didn’t want to share me with others.
I got up and started walking toward the door. Had she said something, I would’ve turned around. But she didn’t.
As soon as the door was closed, the fight left me. I was exhausted by the constant questioning. All the drama.
I began walking home. Putting distance between me and my former best friend.
If this was how it was going to be, it was better to know than to pretend. I felt a newfound freedom with every step.
Maybe Macallan going to Ireland was the best thing that could have happened to me. It proved that I didn’t need her to be around to be happy. Sure, I had missed her. But it was more the memory of her. How things used to be. She had changed, and so had I. It seemed we both were hanging on to someone who no longer existed.
I decided right there that all I wanted was a drama-free junior year.
If that meant it was without Macallan, so be it. I was done with her games.
We both went through the motions on Sunday nights. Fortunately, I only had to put up the act for the first two weeks of school before I started making excuses to get out of the dinners.
It didn’t matter. I had an awesome birthday. The guys came over after the game. Stacey brought some of her friends. Of course, Mom invited Macallan, but, thankfully, she couldn’t come. She didn’t even give me anything. Her birthday was in a couple of weeks and I planned on returning the favor.
If only our family could’ve figured it out and stop forcing us together. Fortunately, I was always free on Saturday nights, so it could be just me and my girl. My real girl.
Stacey had been great about the whole Macallan thing — which meant she never really brought it up. She let us be us, which had nothing to do with that. I appreciated it.
That Saturday when she pulled up in her car, she seemed extra excited to see me.
“Hey, handsome.” She bent over and gave me a kiss, her high ponytail brushing against my cheek. “I thought we’d try someplace different for dinner tonight. You in?”
“Sure.” I shrugged. I wasn’t in a great mood. The previous night had been our third game of the season and I still hadn’t gotten any playing time. I could run fast, was getting better with catching, but Coach wasn’t putting me in. I couldn’t show him my frustration, so it bounced onto the other people in my life.
“Where we going?” I asked when Stacey pulled into a hotel parking lot.
“I heard the restaurant here is really good.” She laughed nervously.
I got out of the car. Stacey looked at her phone. “Can you hold on? I have to make a quick call.”
“Sure.” A hotel seemed like a strange place for dinner. But whatever. Stacey usually knew what she was doing.
But then things got weirder.
“Levi?” I turned around and saw Macallan with Danielle. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? What are you doing here?”
Danielle looked at each of us and stepped in the middle. “So crazy, right? I guess this is the new place to be.” She laughed as Stacey came over.
“Hey, guys,” Stacey said warmly to Macallan. “So insane that you’re here.” She exchanged a look with Danielle. “Um, I guess we should go in.” She started walking faster, with Danielle keeping step and saying she liked Stacey’s shoes.
This left me next to Macallan.
“Are you following me?” I asked her.
She groaned. “Yeah, whatever.”
“It’s just a little odd that you’re here. I never even knew this place had a restaurant.”
“It wasn’t my idea — it was Danielle’s,” she said coldly.
“How convenient for you.”
Danielle and Stacey led us inside and stopped in front of these giant double doors.
I was so annoyed at this. That I had to be stuck eating in the same vicinity as Maca
llan. And I highly doubted this was a mere coincidence. She clearly couldn’t handle not being around me anymore.
Macallan stopped and looked right at me as if she could read my mind. “Get over yourself, Levi.” She stepped in front of me.
“After you!” Stacey said as she and Danielle opened up the double doors.
I put a scowl on my face to let them know how much I didn’t appreciate this situation as I began to walk into the room.
“SURPRISE!!!” A loud shout echoed in the large ballroom. It took me a second to figure out what was going on as I saw the faces of friends and family greeting me. Then I saw a HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN BIRTHDAY, MACALLAN AND LEVI! sign.
The secret meetings between our parents had been for a birthday party.
I turned to look at Macallan, who looked as shocked as I felt. So she hadn’t been lying to me about not knowing what was going on. But she was lying about something else.
Mom came up laughing. “Did we pull it off? Were you surprised?”
I don’t think I’d ever been so shocked in my life.
Talk about being oblivious.
I know, they got us so good.
I was referring to our parents. How could they not have figured out we weren’t even talking?
Yeah, we weren’t speaking and they threw us a joint surprise party.
I’m more shocked that Danielle didn’t say something to my dad. She doesn’t hold things in.
Like you do?
Oh, yes, I was the one who was being irrational.
Man, I was being such an idiot.
I’m sorry, I don’t believe I heard you. Could you repeat that?
Yes, I was being an idiot, a total idiot. Even I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me.
And people think girls get emotional.
Again, I was really confused after you abandoned me.
And you wondered why I had to leave the country?
I was shocked at first by the unexpected group of people cheering “SURPRISE!” And the evening got even more surreal from there.
Dad came over and gave me a big hug, followed by Uncle Adam.
Dad beamed. “Here I thought you were too smart for your old pops to get you.”
I looked around and saw about fifty people, from all over my life. There were mostly people from school rounded out by some family members and a few of my cooking class friends.
It wasn’t hard to pick out who was for Levi and who was for me. It was like this one wedding I went to the summer before. Mom’s friend from college was marrying a guy Mom didn’t approve of. Everybody on Suzanne’s side was dressed in suits or dresses. The groom’s side was completely different. I heard Mom “tsk-tsk” a few times as people walked in dressed in khakis and jeans. Someone even had jorts on.
“Who wears jeans to a wedding?” Mom had asked under her breath.
I’d shrugged. I was only ten at the time, so I didn’t have that great an answer.
Six years later, I still didn’t have the answer for a lot of things.
Levi went over to the jock contingent. It was then I noticed Emily was there. I was pretty sure Levi’s mom wouldn’t have invited her. I scanned back in my head to see if I’d ever officially told my dad that we weren’t really friends anymore. She hadn’t been to our house in years.
Emily gave me a little wave and approached cautiously. “Happy birthday, Macallan.”
“Thanks,” I said as we embraced uncomfortably.
“Great party!” she said as she scanned the room.
“Yeah.” It was a great party.
“Anyway, I know it’s been a while, but it’s a big day, so I got you a little something.” Emily handed me a small wrapped box.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have,” I protested. She shrugged in response. I didn’t know if I was supposed to wait to open presents, but since I hadn’t even known this party was happening, I figured I could be excused for not following protocol.
I slowly unwrapped the box to find a silver necklace with a delicate flower pendant.
“It’ll go with pretty much anything,” Emily offered.
“Thanks so much.” Emily knew I was awful at accessorizing. It was a gene that wasn’t passed on to me. I unlatched the necklace and put it around my neck.
“Here, let me help.” I held up my hair as Emily latched the necklace. It fell right in the middle of the scoop neck shirt that I was wearing. “Perfect!” she declared.
I gave Emily a grateful smile. She was looking out for my girly well-being even though we were no longer close.
We looked at each other, neither of us really knowing what to do now. It was so odd to be standing across from someone who had been my best friend for nearly a decade and yet have nothing to talk about. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was what was going to happen to me and Levi. We already didn’t speak to each other.
I looked across and saw him laughing away with his friends. My anger at Levi wasn’t that he had friends. It was that he’d filled my head with thoughts of love, then took it away from me. I tried to guard myself from getting hurt — it was an automatic reflex. But I’d let Levi in as a friend, then as a best friend. By the time I’d landed in Chicago, I’d been ready to open my heart fully to him. To love him the way I thought he loved me.
But then he’d taken it away. It was torture to be around him those first few days back.
My attention was brought back to the party as our parents were asking for everybody’s attention at the front of the room. Dread filled me, because I knew something embarrassing would probably come next.
“Okay, everybody!” Dad was clinking a glass with a fork. A sharp whistle came from Uncle Adam and the place quieted down. “Thanks so much for coming tonight. And for keeping our little secret.” There was some laughter in the audience. “Can the birthday girl and boy come on up here?”
Levi and I came from opposite ends of the room and were greeted by polite applause and some catcalling from the jock group.
Mrs. Rodgers looked so happy. “I have to say that I was convinced Levi was onto me, he was being really nosy and asking so many questions.”
“Which should always be a cause for concern,” Dr. Rodgers interjected as he put his arm around Levi’s shoulder. Seeing Levi and his dad standing next to each other made me realize how much they looked alike, except for his dad’s dark hair.
Levi’s posture was stiff and he didn’t look that amused. But then a slow smile started to spread on his face as his dad began to jostle him.
Mrs. Rodgers got back control of the room. “Bruce and I can’t begin to express how much Macallan has meant to us, as well as Bill and Adam. They were so welcoming to us West Coasters and really brought us into their family.” She came over and grabbed my hand. “I am so grateful that Levi has such a generous, caring best friend.”
I glanced over at Levi, but his eyes were aimed at the floor. Maybe this was what we really needed to get everything back to how it used to be between us. Everything she was saying was true (especially about me being generous and caring; she missed humble).
I had been distant when I got back, mostly to try to adjust to the new reality that was waiting for me. Then Levi threw those hurtful words and accusations at me that day in my kitchen. I was convinced he was going to come back and apologize. But he left.
I wanted my old Levi back.
Even if it was only as friends.
The way he lashed out at me made me realize how delicate our relationship was. But he was too important to me, such a huge part of my life, I’d take him any way I could. Sure, there would always be something unspoken between us. An attraction we wouldn’t act on. But would a high school romance really be worth sacrificing our friendship?
No. We were better off friends.
I kept waiting all night. Through the speeches and roasting, the singing and cake, through the dancing and presents. I was poised expectantly for Levi to come over to me and make everything right.
But I was waiting for an
apology that would never come.
I don’t know what compelled me to go to the last football game of the season. Uncle Adam was more than happy to join me in the bleachers. He went to every high school game, proudly wearing his orange and blue. My excuse that evening was that I was going to root for Danielle and the marching band. I even waved a few times at Emily down on the field as she cheered.
That was my excuse. Truthfully, I wanted to be there in case Levi finally got a chance to play. It wasn’t that he was bad; it was only that the wide receivers on the team who got playing time were all seniors and very, very good.
I didn’t know how much longer my loyalty to Levi would last. We had hardly spoken since the party. We’d pass each other in the hallways and he’d do that chin thing that lets the person know you’re acknowledging her, but not so much as to grant her the pleasure of uttering a proper hello. I tried to not let it get to me, but I got more hurt with each passing day. I sometimes thought it would be best to let it go and move on. I’d already survived the demise of one close friendship. I’d survived a lot worse than losing a friend.
But there was still a part of me that held out hope.
“Come on, guys!” Adam yelled as the other team scored a touchdown, pulling them ahead ten to seven. There were less than two minutes left in the game. I knew that Levi wouldn’t get any playing time with the score that close. We watched as the time slowly dwindled on the scoreboard to only thirty seconds left. I started to fold the blanket I had on my lap, getting ready to head for the exit.
My attention was drawn back to the field as whistles began to blow. There was some commotion going on and flags being tossed.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Adam surveyed the scene. “Interference or someone’s hurt.”
As the bodies slowly started to break away from the pile on the field, one player remained. He was on his back and grabbing his knee.
The entire place was silent as the coach and the team trainer ran out and assessed the situation. The players stood by in a vigil-like way, all probably worried about their teammate and also unnerved by the reminder of how fragile our bodies could be.