“Yeah, Levi. He’s a great runner. But of course, if your relationship ended badly, he’s the devil.” I had to hand it to Alex — he understood girls very well.
“No, nothing really ended.” A look of concern flashed on Alex’s face. “Because we never dated. We’re just friends. Well, not just friends. He’s my best friend. He has been for almost five years.” Give or take a few months of cold feet and cold shoulders.
“Oh.” Alex looked confused.
I was honestly so tired of this conversation that I looked down at the menu and pretended to be really interested in the specials listed.
“Do you know what you want to get?” Alex asked. Probably also grateful to change the subject.
“I think so. Do you want to get cheese curds to start?”
He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Yuck. I know, how very un-Wisconsin of me, but I don’t like those things.”
“Oh, okay.”
“But feel free to get some.”
Usually, Levi and I would split the appetizer, so it would be too much for only me. Even if I did like my fried cheese.
Alex reached into his pocket for his phone. “Sorry — I keep getting texts from my buddies. They’re giving me grief for going back to my high school for a dance.” He scrolled down his messages, occasionally groaning. “Something about robbing the cradle. How original.”
I wasn’t going to lie and say I hadn’t wondered the same thing. Why would he want to go back to attend a high school dance. Was it pity? Nostalgia? I had no clue. Maybe this was getting more complicated than I thought it would be. I only wanted to go to a dance with a cute boy. And not think of Levi.
But the problem was that Levi always came up.
I tried to convince myself that this dance was nothing. I wanted to go with someone and hope my feelings for Levi would go away.
But they weren’t going away. They were growing more and more by the day.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I was conflicted. I felt sick to my stomach.
And I really wanted those cheese curds.
I tried to push everything out of my head the week leading up to the dance.
It was only a dance. I had made plenty of comments about how high school dances were silly and conformed to the ever-sexist stereotype about male-female relationships (it was very Floyd of me). And for the first time since homecoming last year, Levi and I both would be going with a date. Him with his girlfriend of nearly six months. Just the thought of seeing his arms around her …
It was pretty clear who was winning this battle.
Even though it wasn’t a competition.
But part of me felt like it was. Which one of us could survive without the other? And while Levi needed my help to physically get around, he didn’t need need me.
Well, he did need me to help him pick out a tie.
There I was in his bedroom, a few hours before the dance. He held out two tie options for me.
“I know this is boring,” I said, “but I like the skinny black one. It’s more formal.”
He tossed the other tie aside. “Thanks.” He used both his arms to help himself up. He was getting more mobile but still needed his brace for a few more days.
“Are you going to be okay getting there?” I asked. “Not like I don’t doubt Keith’s strength or anything, but he needs to be careful.”
“I’ll be fine, but thanks.” He wobbled over to his closet. “What time do you need to get ready for college boy?”
I looked at my watch. “I probably should leave soon. Do you think it’s strange that he’s taking me?”
Levi shook his head. “I would find it odd if anybody didn’t want to take you anywhere you wanted to go.”
I was stunned by Levi’s response. It was sweet and exactly what I needed to hear. Usually we’re ribbing each other, so I almost didn’t know how to respond to such a sincere gesture.
As if Alex could read my mind, he called as I was saying good-bye to Levi. “Better take this,” I said as I went into the hallway for some privacy.
“Hey, I’m so glad I caught you,” Alex seemed out of breath. “I feel awful.”
“Is everything all right?” I asked.
“No, I’m so sorry, but I can’t go tonight.” I heard shouting in the background. “My friends convinced me to rush, and the frat we’re interested in wants us to … well, I can’t really say, except that I won’t be going anywhere this entire weekend.”
And here I’d been thinking I’d have to wait a couple years before a frat boy broke my heart.
Although my heart wasn’t really broken. I was excited to hang out with Alex, but not as much as I should’ve been. I knew what it was like to like someone. And I didn’t have those feelings for Alex.
“It’s okay.” I made some other comments to make Alex feel better, when in reality, he should’ve been comforting me. I don’t even remember how we ended the conversation.
But I do remember seeing Levi look at me through a partially opened door.
I gave him a smile. “Well, Alex can’t make it. So I’m going to go home and consume a bunch of food and watch a sappy movie, as one does in these circumstances.”
Levi looked at me intensely. “Do you want to go with me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to be the third wheel.”
He hobbled forward. “No, that’s not what I’m asking. Macallan, do you want to go to the dance with me?”
He wasn’t making sense. “What about Stacey?”
“Can you forget about Stacey and everybody else for a second? I’m asking you a simple question: Do you want to go with me?”
But it wasn’t a simple question. Of course, I wanted to go to the dance with Levi. I loved to do anything with Levi. We always had fun together, even when he’d complain about his injury.
Levi took my hand. “Macallan, I just need a yes or a no.”
I could feel tears sting the back of my eyes as I denied myself the one thing I truly wanted. I pulled my hand away. “Listen, don’t worry about me. I better go. You don’t want to keep your group waiting.”
I turned my back and rushed down the stairs, knowing he couldn’t catch up to me. But as I walked out the front door, I replayed in my head what I wanted to say. What I wished I had the courage to say.
Yes, Levi. I want to go to the dance with you. I want you to put your arms around me. I don’t want to pretend that you and I are nothing more. My life is better off with you in it. I want to be with you. Because I love you, Levi. And not just as friends.
Hallelujah! She has seen the light!
I can’t even …
No, please, allow me.
Knowing Macallan as long as I have allows me some insights into the way she is. For instance, I knew she was freaked out when she ran out of my room that night.
There wasn’t much that scared her. She was the strongest person I’d ever known. And I’m not talking about the kind of strength that’s measured by the number of reps someone can perform.
I’m talking about being fearless. About standing up for yourself. About not caring what people think.
Yet something was scaring her. There was a reason she bolted and didn’t make one of her jokes.
But I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Or, more accurately, I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
“California!” Keith patted my shoulder during the dance. “Give me warning if you hit the dance floor. You know my moves can’t be contained.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
“What’s his problem?” he asked Stacey.
She shrugged. I knew I should’ve acted happy to be there, for her sake. I knew I should’ve done a lot of things.
As I surveyed the group of friends around me, I thought about how much I’d wanted this when I’d first moved here. A group of friends. To be part of the popular crowd. To be one of the top athletes.
That’s what I’d thought I wanted.
But
now I knew that what I wanted and what I needed were entirely different.
I didn’t have to decide between this life or Macallan. I knew that. But I did have a choice to make: to sit there and pass by something important to me or go to Macallan and tell her how I felt. And make her listen. I knew the risk I was taking. There was a strong possibility that she would leave and spend senior year at the International Space Station.
But she’d paused when I asked her if she wanted to go to the dance. She’d known that wasn’t exactly what I was asking. But she hadn’t said no. She’d paused, and in the pause I knew that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same way I did.
I had to stop pretending and go after what I wanted. What I needed.
“Stacey,” I said lightly. This was going to suck. “I’m really sorry, but I need to go.”
She nodded like she was expecting it. “Macallan?”
She knew. Everybody knew. All those times people asked us if we were together, or teased us that we acted like an old married couple, it was because everybody saw what we were both too stubborn to see.
I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn’t find the right words to say. How could you tell someone you really think she’s great but you’re in love with someone else?
“It’s okay,” Stacey said. “I’ve been expecting this for a while.”
“I don’t want you to think this has anything to do with you.” I felt guiltier with each word.
“I know. I mean, seriously, Levi?” She actually smiled. “We all knew that you’d eventually end up with Macallan. I guess I should be offended, but maybe I read too many romance novels to not want to cheer for the two best friends. And you know, we had fun. You were nice to me.” She shrugged.
I guess that showed how much our relationship meant to either of us, that it could be summed up with a shrug of the shoulders.
“I’m going to get back to …” She motioned toward her friends on the dance floor. “Good luck.”
“Thanks.” I was going to need it.
I hobbled to the exit, wishing I could rip the brace off and run to her. The cold February air hit my face as I realized I didn’t have a ride to her house. I called her, but she didn’t answer her phone. I called the Dietzes’ home number and still got no answer. I didn’t want to ask my mom or dad to drive me around. It felt almost too personal.
Suddenly, I knew exactly who I could call. The one person who would help me out, no matter what. And do it with a smile on his face.
Adam pulled up less than ten minutes after I called him. He hadn’t asked me a bunch of questions. I’d told him I needed a ride and he’d asked where I was.
“Hey, Levi, how you doing?” He popped out of the driver’s seat to help me into his car.
“Great. Thanks so much, Adam.” He made sure I was all the way in before he slammed the door.
“Do you need to go home?” he asked.
“I really need to talk to Macallan. Do you know if she’s home?”
He shook his head, then put the car into drive. “There’s only one way to find out.”
Mercifully, Adam stayed quiet on the short drive to Macallan’s house. We pulled up and noticed that a couple of lights were on in the living room. Adam helped me out of the car and used his keys to let us in.
“Macallan?” he called out. My heart was beating so fast.
No answer.
I tried her phone again and heard it ringing. I followed the noise to the kitchen table, where the phone sat unattended.
Adam joined me in the kitchen. “She’s not upstairs. I checked the closet, and her coat’s gone. Do you want me to call her dad? He’s working late tonight.”
“No.” The last thing I needed was Mr. Dietz getting a call that Macallan was missing.
Everybody else was at the dance. So it wasn’t like she was hanging out with Danielle. Wherever she was, she was by herself. Maybe she needed to get some fresh air and think.
Then it hit me: I knew exactly where she was.
“Adam, can you take me to Riverside Park?”
I couldn’t bear being stuck at home by myself while everybody else was at the dance. It wasn’t like I’d never spent a Saturday night home alone, but there was something that set my nerves on edge that night.
And that something was Levi.
I needed to clear my head, so I went for a walk. Nothing helped. I thought I was being random with each turn I took, but then I found myself at Riverside Park.
I sat on the swings and rocked myself back and forth. What I thought would give me comfort made me feel worse. I felt more alone than ever without Levi there to push me.
I always felt a little alone without him near me.
At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me when I heard his familiar shuffle. I assumed it was my longing for him that had manifested into what I was hearing.
Then I heard his voice.
“Macallan?”
She paused for a second before she slowly turned around.
“Levi? What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at the dance? Was that Adam’s car that just drove away?”
“Yeah.” I know I only answered her last question because I had no idea what to say to her. “Can we talk?”
She helped me to the picnic bench, the same one we’d met at a few months before. We sat down and my body instantly tensed up from the cold.
“I have something I need to tell you,” I said, “and I really need you to hear me out before you say anything … or run away to Ireland.”
I was expecting a snarky comment or a scared look on her face. All she said was “I promise.”
At this point, I realized there was no going back.
So I took a deep breath.
“I left the dance because I wasn’t with you. You and I both know I’ve been an idiot these last few months. All along I thought that what I wanted out of my high school life was to be with the guys, to have a girlfriend, to be on a team. But even when I had those things, I didn’t feel complete. And that’s because I’m not complete without you.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Levi, stop. Please.” I knew I’d promised not to say anything, but he needed to hear what I had to say.
“I know,” I told him. I looked down at the ground — for some reason, I didn’t think I could say everything if I had to look at him. “I know what you’re going to say because I feel the same way.”
My heart stopped. “You do?”
She finally looked at me. “Of course.”
“But what about Ireland?”
She smiled at me. It shattered my heart into a million pieces. “You’re not the only one who’s done stupid things.”
I think my confession of being an idiot left him speechless. I didn’t blame him. It wasn’t something I copped to often.
“Macallan?” I was terrified. But I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give it one more try.
“I love you.”
I wasn’t going to waste this opportunity again. I wasn’t going to be scared. I wasn’t going to run away. I wasn’t going to make excuses.
I almost couldn’t breathe for the few seconds after I spoke. She turned to me and leaned in. I moved forward.
We were only inches away from each other. My entire body pulsated with anticipation. We had kissed before, and not too far from the spot we were in, but this time it was different. It wasn’t a joke, it wasn’t something I did to shut him up, it was something we did because we wanted to.
I kissed her.
I kissed him.
It. Was.
Brilliant.
Unlike the first time we kissed, I was anticipating it. I relished her lips on mine. Her hand gently ran through my hair. I pulled her in closer to me, not wanting to have a distance between us ever again.
Even though it was cold outside, I felt nothing but warmth being next to Levi. He pulled away from me briefly to kiss my forehead. “You have no idea how happy you just made me.”
“I think I
do,” I replied.
We sat there for a few minutes, his lips resting against my forehead. Us leaning on each other, like always.
This did change everything, but I knew that could be a good thing. Because what we had between us was something I’d never had with anybody else. I couldn’t comprehend being as close to another person the way I was with Levi.
I had been resisting this, but I couldn’t deny that it felt right.
This was how things should’ve been for us. I think we both knew that. I felt Macallan shiver slightly. “Let’s go home,” I said as I gave her another kiss.
Even though I didn’t specify which home we’d be going to, it didn’t matter. This entire time I’d been thinking about where my home was. At first it was California, then Wisconsin. But in truth, home isn’t necessarily where you sleep at night.
It’s where you feel like yourself.
Where you’re most comfortable.
Where you don’t have to pretend, where you can be just you.
I had finally reached that place because Macallan is home to me.
So, as I was saying, guys and girls can be friends.
Best friends.
And what’s better than falling in love with your best friend?
Nothing.
You always have to get the last word in, don’t you?
You know it.
Yes, I do.
Yep.
Oh, Macallan …
Yes, Levi?
I love you.
I love you, too.
And there you are again, having to get the last word in.
But I don’t think you mind.
Not at all.
Good.
Blimey if I know where I’d be without David Levithan, the Floyd to my Buggy (that’s a compliment — I swear!). I’m so happy you said, “Hey, what about writing a book about a guy and girl who are best friends….” I’m honored to have you as an editor, a friend, musical consigliere, and Target chauffeur.