The Soroptomists offer a thousand-dollar scholarship. A thousand dollars would pay all my expenses for the first year at the state university. I’ve been thinking about it and I’d like to get into the nursing program. My mom thinks nursing would be a good choice for me. My dad doesn’t know anything about this yet. Mom said she’d deal with him when the time came. I’m so excited to think about where we’ll be a year from now. But we have to finish high school first and I’m going to need top grades if I plan on getting any scholarships.
I’m putting every cent I earn into a savings account, but I did buy myself a pair of bell-bottom trousers. Buck said I have a cute behind, and he’d like me to wear miniskirts. Can you imagine what Sister Agnes would say if she saw me in one of those??!
I miss you so much. At least ten times a day I think of something I want to tell you. Five weeks has never seemed so long. I know you’re sick and tired of Hawaii and that you’re missing Scott, but do try and have a good time. Call me the minute you’re back. Until then, I remain…
Your Friend Forever,
Lesley
* * *
August 27, 1965
Dear Scott,
Just a postcard to let you know how much I miss you. Before you ask, I’m wearing your class ring so every guy here will know I’m your girl. Tell everyone hello for me. See you soon.
Love,
Jillian
Scott McDougal,
4520 Country Club Lane,
Pine Ridge, Washington
98005
* * *
Lesley’s Diary
October 13, 1965
Buck phoned twice, but I had Susan tell him I wasn’t home. I don’t want to talk to him, not after what happened last week. When he picked me up for our date he’d been drinking, but I thought everything would be all right. It wasn’t, and Friday was the worst night of my life.
He said it was my fault, and that I can’t lead a man on and then turn him off. He was so rough and angry and it hurt so badly. Jillian and I used to discuss what it would be like the first time and this wasn’t anything beautiful or tender. Buck hurt me.
I know I should go to confession, but I don’t want to talk about this. Father Morris wouldn’t understand. He’s a man and he’d say I was as much to blame as Buck. It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t do anything to lead Buck into thinking that was what I wanted. We started kissing and when I saw he was getting really worked up I tried to stop, but that only made Buck want me more. Next thing I knew, his hands were on my breasts and then he pinned me down on his davenport and he’d shoved my panties down.
When Dad came home from work tonight, he wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to Buck. I told him we’d had a fight, which we did, and Dad got mad at me. My own father sided with Buck! I’ve decided to have nothing to do with Buck ever again. I don’t think I can forgive my father for thinking I was the one in the wrong. He doesn’t even know what happened. No one does. I can’t talk to Mom about this, or Susan. My sister has barely been kissed. As much as I’d like to tell Jillian, I can’t. I can’t even tell my best friend! My dress is ruined and even if it wasn’t, I’d never want to wear it again. I feel ugly and dirty and so ashamed.
October 14th
Latin Class
Lesley,
Are you all right? You’ve been so quiet lately and that isn’t like you. Is your dad out of work again? I bought an album yesterday by a new group called The Rolling Stones. My dad listened to “Satisfaction” and ordered me to destroy the record because he considers the lyrics indecent. I think they’re swell.
Have you seen the show Get Smart? I laughed all the way through it. It’s so much better than My Mother the Car.
Jillian
Lesley’s Diary
October 26, 1965
Buck phoned and this time I was unlucky enough to answer. He begged me to see him. I said no, but he turned up at the house anyway and insisted on taking me to the Dairy Queen for a Dilly bar. I didn’t want to go, but my dad asked me if I considered myself too good for a man who worked at the mill. I told him not seeing Buck didn’t have anything to do with his job.
Buck and I sat and talked at the Dairy Queen and he apologized over and over. He promised me nothing like that will happen again. He seemed so sincere. Tears came to his eyes and I wanted to believe him. Then, when we got in his car, we started kissing. Before I realized what he was planning to do, he had his hand up my dress. I could see he was getting excited and I immediately put an end to our necking. Buck got mad and what he said made me feel kind of guilty. He kept saying how crazy he is about me and how much he needs me. We ended up doing it again. I could’ve stopped him, but I didn’t. At least it didn’t hurt this time. When we finished I started crying. Buck didn’t understand why. I’m not sure I do, either, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I told him it would be better if we didn’t see each other again and he said it’s because I think I’m too good for him, just the way Dad claimed. He dropped me off at the house and then took off with his tires squealing.
* * *
Murphy’s Texaco Charge Slip
November 20, 1965
Quantity
9 gal
Per Gallon
.309
Total
$2.78
Attendant:
Nick Murphy
Signed:
Jillian Lawton
* * *
Jillian’s Diary
December 14, 1965
I stopped at the Texaco station with a fruitcake for Mr. Murphy. He seemed surprised that a customer would remember him at Christmas and gave me an entire set of matching juice glasses. Jimmy knew I’d been collecting them whenever I filled up my tank and must have told his father. I was disappointed Nick wasn’t there.
Last week I saw him riding his motorcycle in front of Holy Name Academy and wondered if he was looking for me. I hope he was. My heart beat so fast when I saw him. He pumps my gas almost every time I come to the station now. Sometimes we talk, but he’s usually too busy to say more than hello.
Lesley warned me that I’m flirting with danger. She says Nick is dangerous. I see it in his eyes and the way he looks at me, as though I’m the only girl he’s ever wanted. Whenever he focuses on me, I can actually feel it. The air between us gets hot and heavy like it does before a big storm. This shivery feeling goes all through me and doesn’t stop for a long time afterward.
I’d be a fool to break it off with Scott. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to hurt Scott’s feelings, but I’m drawn to Nick the way a moth is to a flame. Scott has been a good boyfriend and I’m the envy of every girl at school. I know if I broke up with him, he wouldn’t have any trouble getting a new girlfriend. That makes me wonder if I should stop seeing him.
Nick has never asked me out, never called me at home. For the longest time I didn’t even think he remembered my name. The most he’s done is fill up my car with gas and flirt a little. I can’t hurt Scott over that. Not when he’s been so sweet and considerate.
Speaking of breaking up, I wish Lesley would dump Buck Knowles. He treats her terribly. At first it was exciting that Buck wanted to date Lesley. He recently turned twenty-two and no one else in class is dating anyone that much older. The fact that he’s so attracted to her tells us all that we’re no longer girls; we’re women now. But I don’t care how much older and more sophisticated Buck is. He doesn’t treat Lesley the same way he did when they first started seeing each other.
I don’t know what’s wrong with her lately, but she hasn’t been herself. She tells me she’s going to break up with Buck and then she never does. When I ask her about it, she always has some excuse for why she can’t. It’s like she’s caught in a trap and doesn’t know how to break free.
The whole world seems to be in turmoil. The war in Vietnam is heating up and there was a huge protest rally in Oakland. When I asked my dad about it, he said it was vital that we wipe out Communism. He thinks it’s a good idea for
the United States to be involved in the war. My father is the smartest man I know. If he believes in this war, then I’ll do whatever I can to support it.
I finally figured out what I’m getting Mom for Christmas—a book. I know that sounds boring, but she enjoys reading and The Shoes of the Fisherman by Morris West is one I know she’d enjoy. Dad subtly dropped that hint, and I was grateful.
Les and I should be able to spend time together over Christmas break, and maybe then she can tell me what’s wrong, because something definitely is. I’ve been her best friend since first grade. I know her as well as she does herself. Whatever it is has to do with Buck, I’m convinced of that.
1966
January 3rd
Latin Class
Dear Jillian,
You want to know what my New Year’s resolution is? First and foremost it’s getting that scholarship from the Soroptimists. I want to be a nurse. Secondly, I’m going to break up with Buck. I mean it this time. Meet me after class.
Lesley
Latin Class
Les,
Where have I heard that before? I’ve got a dentist appointment after Latin. Call me tonight, okay?
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
January 3, 1966
Today was the first day back at school following Christmas break, and it was hectic. Lesley and I had lunch together and we passed notes in Latin class. Sister Angelica is half-blind and hasn’t got a clue what’s going on behind her back. I’m so happy Lesley is breaking up with Buck. This time she sounds serious about it. I hope so.
She told me her resolution for this year, but I didn’t tell her mine. I haven’t told anyone. I can’t. I want Nick Murphy to kiss me. He’s so cute and he’s got that dangerous kind of sexiness. He even looks like trouble in his black leather jacket, riding his motorcycle. He makes me go all shaky every time I’m near him.
I know Mom and Dad would never let me date him. In their view, anyone who drives a motorcycle is part of a biker gang. I think Nick might’ve gotten into some sort of trouble with the law, too. Dad mentioned that he didn’t think I should gas up at the Texaco station anymore. I asked him why and he said those Murphys were hotheads. I didn’t dare show too much curiosity about that, but I’m paying cash for my gasoline these days instead of using credit.
One kiss is all I want and then I’ll be satisfied. Then I can go on with my life and he can continue with his. My curiosity will be satisfied and Scott need never know.
January 20, 1966
Dear Lesley,
You won’t answer my phone calls so I’m forced to write you a note and bribe your little sister into giving it to you. The least you can do is talk to me! How are we going to solve our problems if you refuse to have anything to do with me? I know you’re upset about what’s happened the last few times we went out. But you’ve got to understand, baby, that kind of frustration can lead to serious physical problems.
Can’t you tell I’m crazy about you? You’re the smartest girl I ever met and you go to that fancy Catholic girls’ school. I felt like the luckiest man alive when you said you’d date a high school dropout like me. I can’t let you go. You’re the most important thing in my life.
Are you going to the school dance Friday night after the basketball game? Your brother said he could find a way to sneak me into the gym. I’ll look for you there. Whatever’s wrong, I’ll make it right. You have my word on that.
Buck
Lesley’s Diary
January 21, 1966
I am so stupid. I can’t believe what a disaster tonight was. I swore to myself that if Buck showed up at the school dance, I wouldn’t talk to him. Sure enough, he was there. He’s everywhere lately. Last Sunday he sat in the pew behind me during Mass. He must be leaving work early because he’s parked outside the Academy most afternoons, waiting for me. Thank goodness Jillian’s been driving me home. Apparently he had words with my dad about the job, because he hasn’t been coming over to the house much. That helps. It’s been three weeks and I’ve managed to avoid him thus far. Still, he won’t leave me alone. No one knows how awful it is to keep looking over my shoulder, worrying and wondering if he’s following me.
Then he came to the school dance and it seemed everyone there was watching us. Jillian was with Scott or she would’ve helped me. I didn’t want to create a scene and I was afraid Buck was going to pick a fight with Roy Kloster, so I agreed to dance with him. It was awful, a slow dance by The Mamas and The Papas. Buck held me close, closer than I wanted, and he kept whispering in my ear how crazy he is about me and how he can’t sleep nights because he needs me so much.
I was proud of myself because I told him I don’t think we’re good for each other. It’s true. All we do is argue. We don’t view life the same way. When he drinks it’s like seeing my dad. I told Buck that, and he got mad. He said I was playing hard to get and there were plenty of other girls interested in him. That’s when I said those other girls were welcome to him and walked off the dance floor.
Buck left the dance in a huff, but waited for me outside the gym. When I didn’t come out soon enough to suit him, he found Mikey and sent him inside to get me. Buck threatened to yell until I agreed to come out and talk to him. I should never have done it, especially alone, but I couldn’t find Jillian and I didn’t want to involve Mikey or Susan in this. I could tell Buck had fortified his courage with beer. I realize now it would’ve been better to return immediately to the dance. Instead I tried to reason with him, but Buck was angry just like Dad gets angry and in no mood to listen. He wanted what he’s always wanted from me. Before I could stop him, Buck shoved me against the side of the school and kissed me. I tried to break free, but he tore open the front of my blouse and started mauling my breasts. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Father Morris hadn’t happened upon us. He told me to straighten my clothes and get back to the dance.
I don’t know what he said to Buck afterward. I don’t want to know. Father Morris. Ye gads, how am I going to look him in the face again? When I got home from the dance, I wanted to talk to Mom, but she’d had another fight with Dad and was trying to hide that she’d been crying. I sat with her while she talked about Star Trek, this new television series she likes. Mom has troubles enough of her own without listening to mine, so I didn’t tell her anything.
My life is awful. All I want to do is graduate and get away from home.
February 5, 1966
Jillian,
Be my Valentine. Meet me behind the snack booth after the hootenanny.
Nick Murphy
February 6th
Latin Class
Jillian,
You’re not going to do it, are you? What will Scott say? And Jillian—these verbs are impossible! I might as well give up and just accept that I’m going to get a C.
Lesley
Les,
Scott’s visiting the University of Oregon this weekend. He’ll never know. I haven’t decided if I’ll go or not.
And Lesley—I’ll help you with the verbs. We’re going to be co-valedictorians, remember?
Jillian
You’ve got that look in your eyes. You’re going to meet him, I can see it. Just promise me one thing. BE CAREFUL and for heaven’s sake, don’t let your parents find out about this!
Lesley
No one else knows. I promise I’ll give you a full report afterward.
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
February 11, 1966
Nick Murphy has never lacked nerve—that’s for certain. My dad would have a conniption if he found out I was planning to meet Nick. My stomach was in knots the entire hootenanny even though we sang all my favorite songs: “Kum ba yah,” “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” and “If I Had a Hammer.”
Everyone was there…except Nick. I kept looking around for him and after a while I realized he’d stood me up. I’d agonized for days about whether I should meet him or not, and then Nick Murphy didn’t even have the com
mon decency to show up.
After the hootenanny Cindy wanted me to drag the boulevard with her, but I made up some excuse and headed toward the parking lot, half expecting and desperately wanting to find Nick waiting for me. He wasn’t there, either. I’d been torn about meeting him behind Scott’s back, but Nick made the decision easy.
I was furious when I left the football field. Then I thought I might’ve gotten the day wrong or the time or something. Mostly I was disappointed and angry. How dare he! Just to be on the safe side, though, I decided to double back.
Sure enough, there he was, leaning against the snack booth, confident as anything. He had his motorcycle and looked so cool in his leather jacket. He smiled that sexy smile of his when I pulled into the parking lot. It was almost as if he knew I’d come back looking for him.
One thing I can’t tolerate is arrogance, and Nick’s got so much it’s practically coming out his ears. I almost drove away right then and there, but thank goodness I didn’t. Before I could tell him how mad I was, he reached for my hand, kissed it and asked if I’d be his Valentine. I must’ve looked terribly silly—I know I was confused. Somehow I managed to stutter that I wasn’t sure yet. He laughed. I should’ve told him Scott’s already given me a box of chocolates, but just then my steady was the last person on my mind.
We sat in the bleachers and Nick said he’d ended up having to close the station and that was why he’d been late. He said he was glad I’d come back. Then he talked about his family. He mentioned his dad some, but mostly he talked about his mother who died of cancer when he was ten and Jimmy was five. I wasn’t sure what I expected when he asked to meet me, but I didn’t think all we’d do was talk. That was exactly what we did. It was as though we’d been waiting all these months and we both had all this information stored up inside us that we had to get out first.